Monday, December 29, 2014

Post Christmas Wrap Up

Okay, so I just read my last post about my f'd up Christmas Eve, and boy did I get a chuckle out of it!  I typed it up in such anger and frustration, and I never read what I actually typed until just now.  It really did make me laugh because I was reliving the chaos of what it was like to be a Momma to a toddler on my not-so-perfect Christmas Eve.  Thank you to those who responded and made me feel better.  I guess I am just taken aback when Sidekick behaves in a way that is so out of the norm for him, and the fact that it happened on Christmas Eve just make the situation worse.  It truly was a time when I felt like I failed as a mom and that really bothered me. But I am glad I wrote about it in the midst of my frustration because I can see the humor in it all now. 

I did a "fancy" dinner out of guilt.  My mom gave me a hard time awhile ago because I don't really like the holidays, and therefore Sidekick will never really "experience" Christmas.  I felt like he would "experience" it through my family's typical Christmas Eve dinner so I made it.  I know the had no idea that it was any different than any other dinner he eats (trust me, that dinner was a huge step up!), but I can at least I thought I would feel good that I did my best to show him what Christmas is all about, even if it was an epic fail!

Christmas day was fine.  For the first time ever, Sidekick understood what opening presents is all about, so he enjoyed unwrapping everything.  We Skyped my mom, sister, and her family and opened presents with each other.  In all honesty, Christmas day felt like any other day, except there was wrapping paper involved.  Sidekick got a three wheel "scooter", so after nap, it was so nice outside, so we went outside to try it out.  He hopped on that thing and acted like he had been riding it for months.  He looked like a pro and such a big boy!

Christmas is kept to a minimum as I don't believe he should be flooded with a bazillion presents.  He also got a couple of play dough "kits", some puzzles, a bucket of musical instruments (this Momma is hoping some of them get lost- haha!), and a Duplo set, and we haven't played with half of them.  I guess I'm just spreading out the gifts for a snowy day when we are trapped. 

And finally... potty training sucks!!!!!  This is the one and only thing I have freaked out about ever since becoming a parent.  He's been in underpants for eight days now.  He has been dry every single one of those days, but the kid does not know how to time the pooping thing.  For whatever reason, he poops every other day now, so in those eight days, he's pooped one time in the bath tub and three times in his underpants.  I'm seriously at my wits end!  It frustrates me so much! He understands that he poops in the potty, but I think he can't figure out how to make it to the potty in time.  As soon as he starts, he gets upset because he knows it's "wrong".  I know that I'm not supposed to punish him for accidents, but I have resorted to taking his 20 minutes of TV away from him when he poops anywhere but the potty.  Call me a horrible parent.  No TV is the one thing that has seemed to be something that really bothers him, so hopefully he'll figure all of this out sooner rather than later.

So while my little guy is still being a handful, my fingers are crossed that we will be back on track very soon. Once he gets back into our normal routine, life will hopefully go back to normal. He's a kid that thrives on routine, and his routine is out of whack right now (as is his momma!).

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Christmas Blows!

I hate the holidays. There, I said it.  I don't have fond memories of Christmas. In fact, I can't think of a time when I was ever in the holiday spirit. There always seems to be fighting going on in my family and a couple of times, my mom didn't come out of her bedroom for whatever reason, and Christmas was canceled. As a kid, I can't remember loving Christmas. I must have at one point, but I have no memories of it. (How sad.)

This year I was determined to change all of that so that Sidekick only has good memories of Christmas.  I wanted to create our own traditions. I wanted to begin loving Christmas and not dreading it each year.  I wanted to be wowed by the magic of Christmas!

I tried to get into the holiday spirit because of Sidekick. I put up a Christmas tree, decorated my house, and put Christmas decorations outside. Because of a fallout at my sister's last Christmas (see, bad memories of Christmas once again) Sidekick and I are alone this year because we weren't invited to go to my sister's. I've tried to make the best of Christmas and have failed miserably. 

Sidekick hasn't been feeling well, but remember that post the other day about how much I love him? (I am in Love) For the first time EVER, I can honestly say that I don't like him right now.

We went to Christmas service last night so that I could make a nice, fancy dinner tonight (Christmas Eve). I made a ham, potatoes, stuffing, and rolls. I was so proud of myself for timing everything perfectly and it tasting good.  After that, we were going to put PJs on and watch a movie.  When we sat down for dinner, Sidekick refused to eat any if it!  He never does that. He cried. He screamed. He had a tantrum. I put him on the stairs for a time out and he screamed. He calmed down, sat back at the table, and refused to eat. Repeat this pattern about four times until out of the blue, blood came pouring out of his nose! All of a sudden durning my anger and frustration, I had to be sweet and loving towards my child because he was hemoraging (not literally). At this point I had finished eating my good dinner and gave up on him eating. 

I decided to give him a bath while I took a shower (my big tub is right next to my shower) in hopes that we could both calm down. Sidekick has been dry for three days now, but has not been succesful pooping on the potty (one time in his underpants at school and didn't poop yesterday). I was doing all I could to get him to poop on the potty today, but he couldn't go. Can you see where I'm going with this???  While I had not spoken a word to my child for about ten minutes because I was so angry, the next thing I found myself doing is yelling at him for pooping the bathtub!  Seriously, I was at the end of my rope.  

I was so done with him, and my night was so far from what I ever imagined it would be. I know he needed to eat.  I know he doesn't feel well.  I know he wanted to watch a movie with me. I wanted to get as far away from him as possible as I continued to fight him on everything f'n thing!  I've yelled at him nonstop, and I never do that.  It's a time like this when I miss having a partner in my life so that I can turn Sidekick over to him and just walk away.

So right now he is watching Rudolph while I sit at my table typing this because I don't feel like snuggling with him. After Rudolph is over, he is going to bed. After which I will need to muster some excitement for filling his stocking and putting his presents around the Christmas tree. In true Christmas fashion, Christmas sucks ass once again. 

Yes, he has apologized countless times and told me he loves me, but dammit, he's a miserable human being tonight. I can honestly say that he has never, ever acted like this child tonight. His behavior is so unacceptable. While I can blame some of it on him not feeling well, that doesn't give him a "Get out of Jail Free" card. My mom has a gift that is supposed to be opened tonight, and I don't want to give it to him. Why should I?  He doesn't deserve it!

Merry Christmas!  I hope yours is much more enjoyable than mine has been thus far.. 

Bah Humbug!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

I am in Love

This isn't "that" kind of post because I haven't fallen in love with a great guy (or even met him for that matter), but it's a post about how much I love my son.  I go through phases when I can't wrap my arms around him enough, I tell him how much I love him all the time (yet that doesn't seem to be enough), and I just take in all that he offers me and the world.  I know that every (okay, maybe most) Mom feels blessed to have her children and every Mom (again, most) thinks her child is the best one out there. Lately, I am that Mom, and it just consumes every ounce of me.  Sometimes I am in disbelief that I made him, that he grew inside of me, and that he is growing into an amazing little boy. Am I the only one who goes through this? 

When I ask him, "How much do I love you?"  His response is, "Too much." (I think he means "So much" because that's what I tell him, but his "s's" aren't the great right now.)  Anyway, his answer always makes me smile. Even when he wipes every single kiss off his face, I laugh and don't take offense. I can't even imagine loving him too much, but holy shit I love this kid!  I especially love when he does or says something and then follows up with, "I make you happy!"  What 2 1/2 year old says that?!  He always wants me to be happy and knows when I'm not (which is not often).  He is so in tuned to me that it's kind of freaky. 

I remember when my friends or my sister had their first kid, they told me how much they immediately loved their babies. I never understood that.  I remember them telling me a few weeks later how they've never loved anyone like they love their child.  I couldn't wrap my head around that.  But as soon as Sidekick was put in my arms, I loved him.  It was that simple.  I just plain loved him.  As he grows into this amazing little boy, I love him more each day.  I love the person he has become, and I can see that he is going to be a loving, caring, funny, outgoing, smart man (the kind I wish I could find!).  He is perfect in every way (minus the two year old moments he has).  He is better than I could have ever hoped and imagined he would be. 

So, as we approach Christmas with just the two of us celebrating together, I am reminded of how blessed I am.  Without him, who would I be now?  Where would I be now?  In just 2 1/2 short years, my world has been turned upside down in the most positive, amazing way I could ever imagine. Who knew that a little human being weighing 9 pounds 8 ounces who could do absolutely nothing on his own but pee and poop could do that to someone?

And for a little chuckle, here are a few pics "with" Santa. This one was at a members only night at a children's museum:

This one was when an awesome, beautiful Santa with a real beard visited his school (see  pic after this one).  I went in hopes of snapping a good picture since the picture at the museum was unsuccessful.  This is what I got.  Yep, he didn't want anything to do with Santa, but he sat at a table near him.  Little shit!

This is the beautiful, awesome Santa that visited school.  Sidekick wasn't a fan last year either:
Finally, I love this picture of Sidekick from a few weeks ago decorating his own Christmas tree for his bedroom with his big, furry sister supervising.  (He had more fun decorating his own tree than he did doing the big one in the living room):

Thursday, December 11, 2014


Whistle is Sidekick's Elf.  My sister gave him Elf on the Shelf when he was five months old, so that I would have it when Sidekick was "ready".  I decided to try it last week, and Sidekick loves it. Shockingly, he finds him right away every morning.  I don't hide it in really hard places, but he definitely has to search for him.  Plus, we have the read the book every f'n night!!!! 

Sidekick woke up about 30 minutes earlier (6:45) than normal this morning asking for water. He's never done that. Since we were at the point of no return, I just got him up and he started his day earlier.  He went potty, and when I turned on his bedroom light to get him dressed, I found this:

Yep!  That's Whistle's hat on Sidekick's hat rack, but Whistle was on the floor!  I quickly ushered Sidekick out of his room asking him to turn off his bathroom light, picked up Whistle, put his hat back on, and hung him from his arms.  Lesson learned... Whistle's hat is not glued on very well.  As soon as Sidekick walked into the room, he saw Whistle.  Phew!
What I think is funny is that Whistle's hat remained on the hat rack!  I guess he just felt like he shouldn't be there with all of the other hats. 
On a side note, I have found Christmas to be more fun now that Sidekick is older.  He loves to look at Christmas lights.  He loves reading Christmas books.  He loves watching the Christmas specials on TV.  He loves Whistle, and that he will report back to Santa every night.  He loves the excitement of it all. Once again, I love seeing the world through his eyes because it gives me a while new perspective.  

Monday, December 8, 2014

"Hallelujah" and a SMC Playdate

Sidekick loves all kinds of music.  He can hear a song one or two times and recognize it right away each time after that.  He heard "Hallelujah" one time, and this is what happened next time he heard it:
His sweet little voice and passion for music just melt my heart. I especially like the end when he starts to sing Yo Gabba Gabba.  (He has quite an eclectic taste in music.  Haha!)
Yesterday we hosted a play date with our local SMC group.  I joined earlier this year and it wasn't very active and their aren't a lot of people, which was kind of disappointing.  Someone finally decided that we should have a monthly meet-up, so December was my month.  I decided in my spare time (yeah, right!) I would bake 7 dozen sugar cookies off all different shapes (snowflake, Christmas tree, gingerbread man, etc.) and the kids would decorate them with frosting and sprinkles.  Six kids and their parents joined us, and everyone had fun!  I am still blown away at how seven kids can destroy my basement and have every single toy out in .05 seconds. 
The group is made up of a variety of different women, but we all share the commonality of being a SMC.  It's the only group of people with whom I spend time that actually "gets it".  I never get the, "But *Sidekick* is so easy" comment.  Yes, he is easy, but that doesn't mean I am any less tired then a married mom with two kids.  I have no family here, so I am raising Sidekick on my own 24/7.  I lose my patience like any married mom. I wake up tired like any married mom. I have the same struggles like any married mom.  My kid challenges me and throws temper tantrums just like their kids. 
And then I've gotten the comment, "Be thankful you don't have two kids to deal with.  It's so much easier with one."  You know what?  I'd love to have two kids, but my finances and my fear of having any type of debt prevent me from having another one.  If I had a husband, I could afford to have another kid because I could afford daycare for two.  It makes me sad that I can't have another kid. So, that comment never makes me feel better. 
And my favorite:  "Well, my husband isn't very helpful, so I understand how you feel" comment.  No, you don't understand.  It isn't even close!  That mom generally has a dual income.  That mom has an able body in the house so if the kid(s) is sleeping, she can at least run out to Target at 8:00 and roam around in no hurry while her husband sits on his ass at home and watches TV.  That mom has someone who does something, whether he is a big contributor to the family household or not, that I don't have.  So, it's not the same.  Not even a little.

So, this group understands.  It's like we have an unspoken truth about being a SMC.  So, rather than bitch about our husbands, we talk about our kids and our desire to find a husband (not because we need one but because we would like to have someone with whom to share our lives), and I can't even think of a time when we have bitched about our kids.  We understand how blessed we are.  We understand how hard it is doing it alone.  We understand that it's hard to keep it together.  We do it all by ourselves, and we do it as best as we can.  So while people try to compare my single lifestyle to their married lifestyle, this group of women just "gets it".  There never needs to be an explanation for anything because instinctively we all know what it's like to walk in the SMC shoes.

Friday, November 28, 2014

School Pictures and Thanksgiving

Sidekick's school does pictures twice a year.  One of the times the photographer dresses the kids up and the other time the kids wear what the parents dress them in.  The last few times, Sidekick has been uncooperative... one time he flat out refused to get his picture taken. This time however, I reminded his teachers that he hasn't been very good with his pictures, so they made sure he did well.  Apparently he was a total ham when they dressed him in a suit!  I can now envision what he will look like when he is graduating from college entering the workforce. 



Thanksgiving was just a normal day around here.  We didn't do anything special.  My family doesn't live here, so it was just Sidekick and I.  I painted some furniture for Sidekick's room, we played, worked on a Christmas present project for my mom, bundled up to take Dog for a long walk, and actually watched an entire (not just the 20 minute norm) movie before bedtime.  Sidekick wanted macaroni and cheese for dinner, and I had a bowl of Wheat Chex.  (I'm sure that's close to what the Indians ate, right?)  While I am so incredibly thankful for Sidekick, the holidays can still be lonely.  Christmas will be just like Thanksgiving, so if I survived Thanksgiving, I'll do just fine on Christmas.

One thing that I think bothered me quite a bit is that on Wednesday, a friend, who happens to be a SMC, asked if I would come to her mom's house on Thanksgiving to take family pictures.  I wasn't invited for dinner.  I was invited to take pictures and then leave.  I thought that was so rude, especially since she knows that I don't have family here.  Would it have been that big of deal to have 1 1/2 (Sidekick is considered a half) people there?  Anyway, I texted her I would get back to her because I was running into the grocery store.  The entire time, I was kind of fuming.  She wanted me to come on a holiday, in the morning with Sidekick to take pictures of her entire family while I smelled the food cooking. I was hurt and pissed. 

Apparently I was preoccupied with my annoyance about that while grocery shopping and 3/4 of the way through, I realized I had someone else's cart! The cart contained my stuff and the other person's stuff.  I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to find my cart, and there it was sitting next to the milk aisle.  I didn't see anyone with it, so I emptied the stuff from my "borrowed" cart and put it in my original cart. I sure hope the rightful owner found  his/her cart. I just seem to be doing stupid things like that lately.  Yesterday, I realized that I had left the milk in the car (for the second time in a row, mind you) for 24 hours. Thankfully it was cold outside, so it was still okay.  Recently I had left a rotisserie chicken in my car for two days, and it wasn't cold.  But seriously, what is my problem?

Back to the Thanksgiving day pictures... I was painting Sidekick's furniture a couple of hours after the original text about taking my friend's family picture, when my friend texted me and said that her mom's friend finally got back to them and said she would take pictures.  So, I didn't have to come up with some excuse and I didn't have to go... ON A HOLIDAY.  I seriously wasn't going to go.  I just didn't know how to get out of it.  I'm still pretty bugged about that. 

Today my mom is coming in town for a long weekend.  Sidekick is one of only about 15-20 kids at school, which has a shortened day.  I plan on taking advantage of Sidekick not being here and getting a Christmas tree with my mom and start decorating.  The big question is, will I cave and get a fake one because of the convenience of it?  Maybe I'll find a beautiful one for a great deal that I can't pass up.  I haven't decorated for years because it's just been me, and up until now, Sidekick hasn't known what holidays are, but this weekend, we are going to get all ready and make our new home pretty. 

Sidekick has been talking about Santa Claus, so I'm pretty sure his excitement will get me into the holiday spirit.  The innocence of kids can sure put life into perspective. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Unrest in St. Louis... my City

I'm not writing to debate whether not indicting Darren Wilson was right or not.  That was the Grand Jury's decision.  What I am here to write about is how disgusted, sick, and upset I am with the aftermath.  I sat for hours watching the destruction 25 minutes from my home. I sat for hours watching fires being set and bricks being thrown. I sat for hours watching people ruin businesses that had absolutely nothing to do with any of this.  I sat for hours watching people break into stores, steal things, and walk out like they were entitled to whatever they took.  I sat for hours so sad that this was happening.  I couldn't believe how emotional I got over it and even though I expected riots, I never imagined it would be like this.

What I don't understand is what all of that "did".  What it solved.  Why people think it is okay to do that.  How this rioting supports Michael Brown and his family.  How this helps with a sense of community and peace that so many people want.  How their behavior can be supported by anyone. How is violence the way to get anywhere?

I am relieved that Sidekick is young enough to not be affected by this.  I am relieved that he is young enough such that he won't ask me questions.  I am saddened that this horrific behavior of adults are negatively affecting children who are so impressionable.  I am disgusted that there is no way to explain to children that the actions and behavior of these adults are justifiable because they aren't.  There is no reason that any of that should have happened or needed to happen.  So what did I do?

I walked upstairs, picked up my warm, cozy, sleeping "baby" and rocked him.  I held him tightly and thanked God for him and for our safety.  In the moment of such upheaval and anger in my city, Sidekick helped me find a little comfort. 

This morning I had the TV on while we ate breakfast (I never have the TV on while we eat).  Within seconds, he asked, "Momma, what happened?" How did he pick up on that so quickly?  I feel like his innocence was robbed.

So sad. 

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Am I too Strict of a Parent?

I've always been cognizant of how I raise Sidekick.  It started the day we came home from the hospital when I insisted that he only sleep in his crib in his room and when I started his bedtime routine when he was four weeks old (I believe both of those made him a great sleeper from day one.  He was sleeping 12-13 hours straight at nine weeks old). I expect to hear "please", "thank you", and "sorry" when appropriate and without being prompted.  I expect him to sit at the table and eat his meals and snacks, no grazing or roaming around with food.  I keep him on a tight schedule, and I don't ever blow off naps and only "break" his bedtime for special occasions.  I do not tolerate whining or yelling from him, and I expect him to be a good, respectful boy with no exceptions.  There are consequences for bad behavior. He doesn't get sweets very often (heck, he's only had ice cream about five times and juice two times in his 28 months of life).  I expect him to be courteous to other people, especially when we meet someone for the first time.  I expect him to walk people to the door when they are leaving our house and to say "good-bye".  He typically only watches TV 20 minutes a day, and that is before he goes to bed.  (Yes, sometimes I've allowed more, especially on the weekends if we are watching a move because we'll watch half of the movie one night and the other half another night).  Ugh!  I just reread this paragraph, and I feel like a drill sergeant!  He's not even 2 1/2 years old, but do I expect too much out of him?  Am I too strict?

I see so many kids having so many (too many?) privileges, and it really bothers me.  I see so many kids with bad behaviors, and I can't stand it.  I see so many kids with poor manners and/or are disrespectful, and that is a huge pet peeve of mine. I hear about and/or see very young kids, many of whom are Sidekick's age, watching hours of TV a day, playing on iPads constantly, and being so spoiled.  It makes me reevaluate my parenting and makes me think that I might suck as a parent.  But at the same time, I don't see a point in Sidekick watching more than 20 minutes of TV a day, I see no point in letting him have free access to my iPad (or even the privilege of playing with it more than every once in a while... that thing is MINE!), and I definitely don't spoil him (birthdays, holidays, etc.) and I never will.  (I cannot justify spending 100s of dollars for Christmas, but many of my friends and family do.)  I walk into a house that has been taken over by toys, and my stomach churns when I see that the kids have EVERYTHING they could possibly want and then some.  I see kids controlling their parents and their parents giving in to them.  I don't want to be able to plug Sidekick into any of those scenarios that really get under my skin. I am avoiding all of that like the plague while I actually have control of him and what he does. 

When it comes to things like raising Sidekick, I am happy that I am a single Mom because I get to make all of the rules and there is no husband to break or bend them.  I can only imagine the fights and discussions that ensue when it comes to dual parenting with regards to everything about which I have written. I've heard from friends how they say/do something that affects their kid(s), and the spouse changes it.  The kid(s) know(s) how to play off one another, and that has to be difficult for both parents and for their marriage. 

But I digress... am I too rigid?  Am I not allowing Sidekick to experience everything that life offers him? Am I a mean parent?  Some people criticize me that I am too strict on him, but at the same time, I look at my respectful, happy, silly, smart boy and wonder if there is such as thing as being too strict to where it is detrimental to his life.  I don't consider myself strict, but my goal as a parent is to raise a happy, respectful, kind, successful (whatever success means to him), respected man, and I believe that starts at this age.  Sidekick definitely doesn't act like he is almost 2 1/2, so I don't treat him like he's almost 2 1/2.  I've always talked to him like I talk to any adult.  My mom reminded me the other day that even though he doesn't act his age, he is living in the body and emotional brain of his age.  It's a good reminder when I get frustrated on the off chance that he is having a rough time and fighting me on something.  He can be stubborn like his Momma and defiant (like the donor... I like to blame him sometimes- ha!) 

Is it necessary to play on an iPad and watch a lot of TV?  Should I be giving him more gifts for his birthday and holidays?  Do I expect too much out of Sidekick?  Do I suck at being a parent?

To be honest (and don't kill me), I don't find parenting that difficult and I never have.  Don't get me wrong, I have moments when I want to hang myself or lock Sidekick in a closet because I'm at my wits end, but overall, parenting is easy for me.  Is it because I am so "strict"?  Am I just lucky to have such a good boy?  Was it a perfect blend of sperm and egg?  Is it a combination of all?  Is this all going to backfire when he gets older, and I'll all of a sudden have a hellion on my hands?

But seriously, I really wonder if I am not being a fair parent and if Sidekick is missing out on things. When I think of the boy he is, he is better than anything I had ever thought he would be.  He is kinder, smarter, funnier, and happier than ever imagined he would be. So I must not be screwing up too much, right?  If that's the case, then why am I questioning things?

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Christmas Cards Ordered!

Can you believe that I took Sidekick's picture, wrote a poem, and actually ordered our Christmas cards last weekend?!?  I have to say that I am pretty amazed that I got that knocked out this early.  Part of my reasoning is that since we moved, I never sent out change of address information, so very few people know our new address and many don't even know we moved.  (I plan to send them out a little early.) Also, I was inspired by the beautiful moon last week, so after school last Friday, I dragged Sidekick out in the cool temperatures to snap some pictures, and he was a trooper.  This is the outside of the card which reads:  Merry Christmas!  Wishing you "silent" and peaceful nights:

The inside of the card:

(To the tune of "Silent Night")

Two and a half, (almost) two and a half
I’m not calm, but I am bright
Happy are we together, Momma and child
Holy toddler I’m tender but wild
I really love my new home
There's more room to make a mess

Two and a half, (almost) two and a half
I now use the big potty            
Defiant and stubborn are things that I am  
Times outs are common and tempers do flare
I love to help Momma cook
I am a bottomless pit

Two and a half, (almost) two and a half
I love to laugh, and I can read
Playin' soccer or goin’ down a big slide
Snugglin’ with Momma readin’ my favorite books
I am sweet, happy boy
Momma is blessed every day

And the back of the card reads:  Being silly (aka not cooperating) with this picture:

While it's difficult to get a decent smile out of this kid, the front of the card is as good as it gets, and I wasn't going to stress about it.  It's done and that's a huge stress off my shoulders! 

On a side note... Sidekick and I will be spending Christmas alone this year.  Since there was a big blow up with my sister last year at Christmas, we will probably never spend another Christmas there again. And that's okay.  I'm not too into the holidays, and I don't want Sidekick to get the idea that Christmas is all about presents.  My nephews get far more gifts than I will ever get Sidekick, and I don't want to compete with that and have Sidekick feel like he got screwed.  So... this year we will start our own traditions.  I don't know what that is quite yet, but I'll come up with something.  What I do know is that there will be no hoopla, no stress, and no big meals that I don't even like to eat.  But, Sidekick will have fun and feel loved, and that is all that matters.   





Wednesday, November 12, 2014

A Shocking Read!

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about Sidekick's most recent favorite book (here).  Today, I shall post about a book that completely took me by surprise!  Sidekick got a little Peter Rabbit stuffed animal and book for Easter.  He used to call Peter Rabbit "Hop" until I recently discovered that there is a show On Demand, so now he calls the stuffed animal "Peter Bunny".  I've never read the book to him because I wasn't sure if he would really like it; however, since he has "seen" Peter Rabbit on TV, I thought he might enjoy the book. I remember the premise of The Tale of Peter Rabbit... Peter doesn't listen to his mom, goes to Mr. McGregor's Garden, lost a button from his jacket, and lost his shoes.  What I don't remember is:

While this didn't phase Sidekick because:
  1. He doesn't have a father and therefore that word doesn't mean anything to him
  2. His two year old brain can really comprehend what exactly that mean
Nonetheless, I was a shocked that this was ever written!  I think this book is just going to "go away", never to appear again, and I am going to get a "rewrite" of the book where Peter's father doesn't get killed and eaten.  Wow!  


Monday, November 10, 2014

Birthday Blues? Heck no!

I've never been too into holidays and birthdays.  I used to find my birthday kind of depressing as I got older because I didn't feel complete.  I felt like I was missing something (husband, kids, etc.)  However, three years ago, just two days shy of my birthday, I got the news that after my eighth IUI, I finally got pregnant!  My goal was to be pregnant before my 38th birthday, and I succeeded just two days shy of that day.  Phew!  My pregnancy was a secret on my birthday (not even my family knew).  While people were celebrating my special day from near and far, I was celebrating and praying for a successful pregnancy.  Ever since then, my birthdays have just been a normal day mixed with a little spice from an awesome kid. 

Last night before Sidekick went to sleep, I told him that my birthday was today.  The entire way to school today, Sidekick sang this:

In typical fashion for the past however many years, I took the day off.  I have a massage scheduled followed by seeing "Gone Girl".  I plan on picking up Sidekick from school, feeding him dinner, and then heading out to get some ice cream (which is something we've only done a few times in Sidekick's life).  It's a time to celebrate and be on a sugar high!

So, on my 41st year of life, I am blessed to have an amazing kid, a successful career, a nice home, and friends and family who love us.  What more could I ask for? 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Good Riddance Neighbor-"Friend"

I'm still having a rough time since the "break up" with my neighbors/close friends.  There still seems to be sense of confusion, pain, and angst in the core of my soul.  After the awkward moment of their son, T, coming down to our house to hang out with Sidekick a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't get that irritation out of my head.  Why allow your son to hang out with us if his parents (primarily his mom) are not talking to me? So, even though she told me not to text, call, email, I did.  I did it to protect my son!  Here's what I typed:

"Maybe one day you will explain... not because I want to be close friends with you again (because I definitely don't want that), but because we are mature adults who happen to be neighbors and have kids that like to hang out together..." 
Of course I didn't hear back from her. I kind of wonder if she is blocking my text messages (which can be done on an iPhone), or if she is truly not responding.  Either way, she is being an immature, selfish be-atch and I shouldn't care (but I totally do)!  Who would want to be friends with someone like that? A couple of my friends who know about this but don't know her are just as baffled as I am and tell me to let it go.  Easier said than done when you feel like you somehow screwed something up.
Anyway, last week Sidekick and I were in the cul-da-sac hanging out with a neighbor and her dog.  My ex-friends' house is in the cul-da-sac which is why this situation really sucks because we are often down in that area.  E (Mom) and T (son) came home, and of course she didn't even look at me when she pulled into the driveway.  T got out of the car and walked towards us.  I was just fuming because once again he was back in Sidekick's life after about a week.  He came to say "hello" and Sidekick didn't really care (loyal to his momma!).  Sidekick used to worship T!  I quickly told Sidekick that we had to go inside and make dinner and abruptly left, leaving the neighbor we were talking to and her dog just standing there a bit confused.  (She has no idea E and I aren't friends anymore.)  Awwww-kward!
Monday night was a beautiful night and even though it was dark because we set the clocks back, we went outside for a walk to kill some time before bath. We ended up in the cul-da-sac once again, and lo and behold, E came home.  Ugh!  She was alone, pulled into her driveway, and went inside (the garage door was left open and the door from the garage to house was left open).  It was all I could do to not walk into her garage and yell, "What the F is your problem?! Why are you such a selfish, inconsiderate bitch?  Who cuts someone off like you did with me?"  A couple of things stopped me:
  1. I had Sidekick with me, and I didn't want him to see her or hear what conversation might ensue.
  2. I was seriously thinking that she'd call the police on me because she's that crazy!
So, Sidekick and I continued to laugh, run around, and play while we walked back home. But, I still find myself caring about the situation.  I just wish they didn't live in my neighborhood because this would be so much easier to deal with, and I would be totally over it.  Does she even care like I do?  Is it as hard on her as it is on me?

Tonight we were outside walking Dog after I picked Sidekick up from school.  While walking, E drove down the street.  We were crossing the street and she had to stop to let us finish getting across.  No eye contact.  Nothing.  Sidekick immediately said, "Dat *T* in da car."  Yep!  He knows her car. Ugh. 
And just today I read the following quote: 
"Caring was the only thing I ever did when we were friends.  The minute you turned your back is the minute I realized that I deserved better." - Unknown

And you know what?  I'm over it!  I do deserve better.  It was a one sided friendship, and I didn't get much out of it other than a good male role model (the dad) for Sidekick and a playmate (the son).  Even though she is truly a mess and a unstable, she doesn't deserve to be part of our lives if she behaves the way she did.  There is no excuse for what she did and has done.  She is not worth my energy.  She is not worth worrying about and wondering what the hell happened.  She is not worth the tears.  She's not worthy of being my friend. I'm a better friend than she deserves.  Moving on... I'm done!  Good riddance, E!  <Deep cleansing breath...>

Monday, November 3, 2014


Sidekick's school had been talking a lot about Halloween, so it seemed as if Sidekick knew what the entire day was all about when we talked about it during the days leading up to the big day.  He's been obessed with Monsters, Inc... so much so that he includes them in his prayers at night.  When I showed him different options online, he immediately wanted to be Sulley.  It was so appropriate!

I had three friends staying with me that weekend, so after Sidekick's school party, we went to the airport to pick up one of my friends.  He ran around outside of security in his costume (pic above) and made everyone smile.  He was so happy to be dressed in his costume.  I ran my friend back to my house, and Sidekick and I ditched her to go trick or treating with my friends and their kids.  (My friend decided not to come with us and was thrilled to have peace and quiet for a few hours at my house.) 

It was in the 40s here, so it was quite chilly trick or treating.  Thankfully, Sidekick had a nice warm costume, and I layered him up so he didn't need a coat.  Plus, his costume had mittens. I couldn't have planned that better.  He would run from house to house with his two friends trailing behind.  As soon as he said "Tank you for da candy," he would yell, "Anudder house!?!?" and take off running.  It was so funny!  He was a pro at this trick or treating thing! 

Each time I see the joy in Sidekick's eyes of experiencing something new, I find a renewed joy myself.  What seemed like a trivial night became a fun night watching Sidekick run from house to house with so much excitment and happiness.  How could I not just smile and my heart not fill with such love and joy for this amazing little boy?

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Sidekick's Favorite Book

Sidekick has been obsessed with books every since I started reading to him when he was just an infant.  He can sit in someone's lap for an hour (if someone will let him) and read book after book after book with that person. I love how he responds to certain parts of a book:  "Oh no!"  "What happened?"  "What dat, Momma?"  School is teaching him to read, and he can point to words he knows and tell me what that word is.  It's pretty amazing! 

He goes through phases with a certain book that he must read every night before bed.  I try to deter him from a particular book after several days in a row because I'm so tired of reading it, but he usually won't let up.  His most recent favorite book, which he pulled off the shelf and I had never read to him before, is You are my Wish Come True by Marianne Richmond.  I absolutely love the book, so I'm happy to read it every single night.  It's such a sweet book and I find very appropriate for a SMC and her child.  It's a story about a Momma Bear having a conversation with her son, Barley, about how he was her wish come true.  One of my favorite parts:

"A long time ago, a wish started growing in my heart.  At first, it was a quiet wish that nobody knew.  Then it became an out-loud wish that grew and grew and grew.  Until one day my wish came true."

What SMC couldn't relate to that?  (or any Mom for that matter.)  It reminded me of the long thought process in my head while thinking about being a SMC, then talking to a few people about it, then announcing I was pregnant to the world.  What an incredible and really long journey I have had when it came to conceiving Sidekick.

"I had an empty place in my heart that I wanted to fill with love for a special child like you."

While the book takes a strange turn about their fur being different colors and it seems pretty random, I like everything else about it.  It's such a sweet book, and for whatever reason, it is Sidekick's favorite one for a week straight. Does he make a connection to the book like I do?  Who knows, but I love the fact that he loves it so much. 

To end out special bedtime routine, after I close the book, he turns to look at me, puts his hands together, and says in his sweet little voice, "Have to pray."  I love this kid so much. 

Three years and four days ago, I had my eighth IUI that resulted in Sidekick.  Don't ever give up hope. I finally got my wish come true. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014


Well, after 11 days, we finally ran into our neighbors/ex-friends tonight.  We were outside playing when E and T drove by.  She didn't even look at us.  Next thing I know, T is walking down to visit which was kind of awkward.  I'm surprised E let him come down.  I've explained to Sidekick that they are not our friends anymore, and he always says, "Momma sad."  So now WTF do I say to him? 

T came down alone, but I had a glimmer of hope that E might join him, but she didn't.  Of course not!  Sidekick normally hugs T and worships him, but tonight he didn't interact much with him.  Was Sidekick being loyal to his Momma?  To make T not feel awkward, I just asked him about school, basketball, Halloween, etc.  I miss that kid!  It made me sad because I wonder what he knows, and I feel like it puts him in an awkward position because unlike Sidekick, he can makes sense of things.  It's not fair to him.

After about 20 or so minutes, E went out to get the mail, and when T saw her, he yelled down asking if he needed to come home.  She yelled back that dinner was ready, so he left.  Sidekick didn't really care that he was leaving.  I was sad about this whole situation, but I think I was just plain pissed at how it played out. She couldn't even wave!  Nothing!  I just wanted to yell, "Grow the F up, E!"  (Gosh, I have been swearing a lot about this lately!)

When we came inside, I asked Sidekick if he played with T.  His response was, "Yes. Momma sad."  I was already so angry with E, especially since she cut off all ties with us and Sidekick was so close to them, but now she's messing with him again by bringing T back into his life.  I want to tell T that he can't play, but that's not fair to either of the boys because they've done nothing wrong.  I also feel like it's very immature of me to act that way, so I will suck it up and be an adult.  Maybe this is somehow is how our prayers are being answered????  Sidekick has mentioned them in his prayers every night.  Tonight he reminded me that we had forgotten to pray. With his hands folded together, he said, "Have to pray, Momma."  E, T, and D were at the top of his list. 

So... when I thought I was getting over this and feeling a bit better about the whole situation, tonight opened up some of the wounds again.  What a mess!  How do I protect Sidekick this time around???  How can she be such a cold hearted bitch when we used to be so close?!?!?

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Church and Prayers

I didn't go to church growing up, but I wish I did.  I started going to one years ago and was going regularly and then I stopped going (long story).  I decided that Sidekick and I should start going again.  He goes to Kids Ministry while I sit and listen to an awesome Pastor talk for an hour. It's about the only break I get outside of my home, so I enjoy the time spent there in quiet "solitude".

Now that he is two, they always do a little lesson about God.  After his first time there, our conversation on the way home went like this:

Me:  Did you like going to church?
Him:  Yes.
Me:  What did you learn about?
Him:  God (WOW!)
Me:  What about God?
Him:  God helps. (WOW!)

One hour later, he had learned a little lesson about God.  I was proud of him and decided that together we will learn about who this God is. 

Last night we went to church.  I was hoping I would find some kind of peace, hope, understanding, etc. about the situation with my friend, E.  Boy, did I luck out!  The whole talk was about confession (not in a Catholic kind of way).  We need to confess to one another when we do something wrong.  If we know someone is mad at or upset with us, we need to stop everything and go to that person.  (These were all in verses from the Bible.)  So... the entire time I was thinking about E!  Am I supposed to go to her even though she said not to?  Confusion.

This is a contemporary church, so sometimes the Pastor does really cool things.  Last night at the end of the service, we were able to take a piece of fabric, write whatever on it, and tie it to a structure.  I asked to help me find peace and understanding with this situation and say kind prayers for E. I tied it on the structure, and went to pick up Sidekick.  I was still a bit baffled by the verse about dropping everything and going to that person if we know that person is angry with us.  Do I know/think E is angry with me?  I have no idea! So... Sidekick and I went back into the auditorium to get some clarity. 

I was going to ask an Associate Pastor, but the lead Pastor was just standing there, so with Sidekick by my side, I briefly explained that E is depressed, she relied on me all the time but she ended our friendship out of the blue, and she doesn't want to speak with me, etc.  Am I to listen to her or go to her like the Bible verse explains?  His answer was you pray for her.  Hmmmmm.  But he followed up with not praying that a boulder falls on her head.  Haha!  He told me that is one of the hardest things to do, but it's what I have to do. I fought back tears and thanked him.  I've only wanted peace and happiness for her, and even though I've been sad for almost a week, I still pray for her.  Apparently it's all I can do.

So, last night I decided to talk to Sidekick about praying.  I explained that we pray to God when we need help, when we are sad, when we are happy, when we are grateful, or when we need to be watched over. I asked him who we are going to pray for, and here was our conversation:

Me:  Who should we pray for?
Him:  Momma, Sidekick, E...
Me:  Why E?
Him:  E makes Momma sad.  (Wow!) 
Me:  Anyone else?
Him:  Monsters, Inc!

And with that, I laughed out loud, and I needed that.  Here when I thought I was getting to him, and he adds Monsters, Inc. to the mix!  Nonetheless, I think we will pray together every night because it was a quiet, special time together.

So, today I am feeling more at peace and calmer with the situation. I don't know if time has helped or if Church helped, but either way, I feel less sad, and for that I am so grateful.  We've yet to officially run into them outside, and I hope that when we do, we can be civil, but then I fear Sidekick's confusion with the whole situation because I know he'll want to run and hug them.  In the meantime, I am just going to continue working through this until it no longer hurts. Ever. Again.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

"Momma sad."

I am shocked that Sidekick acknowledges that I am sad and allows me to be sad.  "Momma sad.  Momma not better."  He then says, "*Sidekick* not sad. *Sidekick* happy."

I'm still so upset about my friend/neighbor, E, ending our friendship so abruptly.  What sucks about being a mom (single or not) is that our responsibilities are still there every day.  I've hated waking up in the morning because for about seven hours, I am able to get away from my sadness.  As soon as I wake up, I need to face another day and take care of Sidekick and Dog when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide. I work out of my home and while I should be out meeting with customers, I'm not motivated to do that. Since I've been home a lot this week and work is slow, the days go by slowly, and I have too much time to think about things.  Ugh!

I find myself looking back at text messages trying to figure out what happened, and I can't put my finger on it.  I have done everything possible to help her and support her and have gone out of my way to do so.  This "break up" was a complete blindside which leaves me so baffled... not to mention extremely hurt.

Even though she told me not to email, text, call, I had to.  It wasn't fair to me and she was being selfish.  It was a mixture of sadness and anger and empathy.  I told her how much my heart hurts right now, and how I have never given so much to someone in my life.  I told her how I hated her for doing this to Sidekick because he became so close to them, and how I hated myself for encouraging him to trust them and love them and my inability to protect him.  She always said we were put in each others' lives for a reason, and that we are here to learn lessons from one another.  I told her that I learned to never give so much in a one sided relationship because it only hurts me in the end.  I told her that I will not beg her to be my friend, and if I see any of them, I will not be rude to them.  I was going to somehow take the high road.  I ended hoping that she finds peace and happiness and that is all I ever wanted for her.  I apologized for not being the friend she needed/wanted. 

What is strange is that about an hour later, she forwarded the email to me with no message.  Was that an accident?  Did she mean to forward it to someone else?  Or was my friend right when she said that she forwarded it to me as if it was a piece of physical mail, and she was "showing" me that she didn't actually read it?  That thought makes me so angry!  Who does that?  Why be so vindictive?

I realize that this friendship was so one sided, so I shouldn't be so upset about this.  I never relied on her like she relied on me.  I didn't share my deepest, darkest demons like she did with me. Yet I miss her so much.  I miss the ability to walk a few doors down and hang out with them.  It's been raining for a week, and today is the first sunny day. I wonder what will happen if they are outside also. I'm not one to be anxious, but right now, all I feel is anxiety at the strong possibility that we will all be outside at the same time.

I know that time heals all wounds, so I'm hoping that I will soon feel better and back to my normal self.  This is no way to feel day in and day out. I miss my friend so much, and I just don't understand how someone can just cut all ties with me after she would break down in front of me almost every day and tell me things that were sacred.  Who does that???  I'm trying to respect her request to not email (again), text, or call, but I feel like I deserve an explanation. 

I feel like a shitty Mom because this upsets me so much and Sidekick knows it.  I all of a sudden feel lonely again, and that is an awful feeling.  I am truly, deeply sad.  No matter how much I try to rationalize the situation, accept what happened, etc.  I can't.  It just hurts me to the core of my soul.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Breaking up is Hard to Do

I am sitting at my computer crying right now, and the only way to deal with this is to write about it.  I've previously written about my great neighbors/friends who have an eight year old boy, T.  I've written about how our families immediately bonded, how D (dad/husband) has stepped up to an amazing role model for Sidekick, and how our boys are like brothers.  What I failed to mention is how my relationship with E (mom/wife) evolved and was centered around E's life falling apart around her. We immediately connected and had this strong friendship from the beginning, primarily based on immense sadness in E's world which is definitely not the right way to begin a friendship.   

Our friendship has been a bit one sided from the standpoint that I was constantly there for her, helping her, listening to her, etc. and that was okay because that's what happens sometimes in relationships.  She is a complete mess. She's mentioned on several occasions that she is a "fucked up mess."  She lost her mom to cancer seven months ago, and E tested positive for the BRCA Gene. As a result, she had a double mastectomy a year or so ago and a hysterectomy at the end of August.  Needless to say, she has gone through a lot.  She has spent countless times literally sobbing in my arms-- me, someone she just became friends with in August.  She's always said that we must have known each other in our past lives because it's like we've known each other forever. She truly believes that, and I often wonder if something like that is possible.  We had this bond that I've never really had with someone and while things seemed a bit one sided most of the time, I learned things from her along the way.  I considered her a best friend and was so blessed to have all three of them in our lives.

Last night I got an email from her out of the blue telling me that she can no longer be friends with me because it was too intense and was interfering with her family and life.  She asked me to not text, call, or email her.  I re-read that paragraph over and over again in disbelief.  Here I was thinking to myself:
  • I gave her my car (I have two: one personal and one company) for almost a week. Hers was in the shop after she put her car in neutral (long story about that) and without her in it, it went down her driveway, crashed into her neighbor's mailbox, and started to go towards to woods until it finally stopped. By the way, I saw the whole thing from my driveway, and immediately went to her to hold her and help her calm down, followed by telling her son to go to my house and get in my car so I could take him to school (since E was so shaken up.)
  • Her son stayed with me while she was in the hospital during and after her hysterectomy.
  • I've picked her son up from school and brought him home when she and D couldn't get him. 
  • I have spent hours with her while she talks to me while sobbing about everything she is dealing with in her life while doing/saying what I could to help her through it.
  • We've had full blown text message conversations about what she's dealing with because I know she breaks down any at given point in the day.
  • I've sent her cards of encouragement or dropped off a little gift to give her hope.
  • I have done everything I could to be a good friend to her, support her, and care about her. 

So, seriously, WTF????!!!!  She's mentioned before that our friendship is intense.  I don't know what that means to her.  Is it the fact that she completely opens up to me and that makes her emotions raw again? Or it's because she is so close to me, and I know too much about her?  I don't know.  I'd probably agree that it's intense (again, I don't know why I would use that word), but I would never end a friendship and demand to have no more communication with her.  She's relied on me so much, so maybe that's not a good thing???  She's told me that I continuously rescue her and that I give her so much.  So, this just makes no sense to me.

I am truly devastated by this whole thing, and for some reason, I feel like a horrible friend, and that I did something wrong to be completely blocked from her life like I never existed. A little piece of my heart has been yanked out of me.  I don't know what this means for Sidekick, and for that I am so sad.  It's hard when a friendship ends, but it's harder when those people are your neighbors and paths cross often. I feel like our families have broken up, and Sidekick can no longer hang out with T and D.  How do I explain this to Sidekick?  How is she explaining it to her son?  Our families have opened our lives to each other, and the door has quickly shut. D will side with his wife, as he should, but so many of us suffer as a result. I love that family, but right now I hate her for messing with my son's life because he became so close to them. Mess with the Momma but don't mess with her baby!

Relationships can suck!  This is an example of why I am so worried about dating.  While I really want to be dating a guy, I don't want Sidekick to bond with him only for that man to leave.  It's not fair to him.   I encouraged Sidekick to love them, trust them, and learn that there are other people besides myself whom he can count on.  All of that has been ripped away from him, and I hate her for doing that to him, and I hate myself for not protecting him better. Things are going to be awkward in our neighborhood and the thought just devastates me.

Right now I want to send her a text and write, "Fuck you!"  But that will accomplish nothing, and she made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.  It's just so unfair and hurts so damn much.  I'm just so, so sad right now.

I've always liked the poem below.  I've always felt like she and I would not be friends for a lifetime because our friendship is just so different.  I just never imagined things would end this way and so soon:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown