Envy

I sometimes look at families with a mom, a dad, and child(ren) with envy when Sidekick and I are out and about.  I think I notice it more now because we do more fun things now that Sidekick is walking.  I've always said I can't imagine having a husband with whom to share parenting, and I mean that. I really do. I don't know any differently and with family living in different states, it's just been me and Sidekick with the occasional visit from Grandma. Of course I'd love having the nuclear family, but I can't even wrap my head around that idea. What would it be like to be able to skip feeding Sidekick a meal every once in a while, to not have to change his diaper, and to actually sleep in one morning while someone else fed him breakfast?  I realize that the Mom typically does most of the work anyway, but there are times when I would just like to have an extra set of hands even if it's just to play with Sidekick while I run to the store alone. 

One time when Sidekick was a newborn and napping, I grabbed my keys and started walking out of my home to go to the store.  For whatever brief moment, I felt single and free again and completely forgot I had a baby sleeping.  Oops!  I don't even think I can blame that on sleep deprivation. I had been trapped for days with a newborn and so felt isolated that I think I may have drifted back into my "before baby" days and yearned for that time of my life for just a brief moment.  It was at that moment when I really realized how different it is to be a single mom because I. Couldn't. Go. Anywhere. Alone. at that moment (or anytime Sidekick is sleeping). Apparently, it is frowned upon to leave a child at home alone, even if he is sleeping.  : )

When I see these families, there is a little tug at my heartstrings. I wish I had someone with me to partake in all of the "firsts", laugh with me as we laugh at Sidekick, relish in this amazing little guy "we" made, rub my shoulders one night after a long day, and just help me in whatever capacity possible.  But I have to remind myself that I wanted a baby under any circumstance which was obviously more than I wanted a husband.  I have zero regrets.  Truly.  I'm happier now than I ever have been in my life, but sometimes my heart hurts, and I worry that Sidekick will never experience a "real" family with a Mommy, Daddy, and sibling. But just like I don't know any differently, neither will Sidekick.  This is our family, and there are many different families around us. 

I also have to remind myself that not all families are happy families.  What I see on the exterior is not necessarily an accurate portrayal of who they really are.  I have friends in my life who are unhappily married and that makes me sad.  I have friends who argue with their spouses all the time, and I feel sorry for the kids who are exposed to that.  At the end of the day, life is about happiness and fulfillment, and Sidekick contributes to that to my life in such a big way.  Not to intentionally quote a movie, he has completed me. 

Envy... even when we are happy, we can always find something about which to be envious.  During those times, I have to remind myself how thankful I am that Sidekick chose me to be his mommy.  I think he made a great choice.  We are a great team and an incredible family filled with love, laughter, and happiness.  Sometimes I need to remind myself of this when the green Envy Monster clouds my head and clogs my heart. 

(And then of course there is the envy of the two parent financial aspect of raising children, but that's another posting.)