Monday, March 27, 2017


Sidekick has been in quite a PITA lately, and we have just not been jiving together, if that makes sense.  For the past several weeks, he's been having some issues at school with listening, staying on task, etc. Every day I would get a bad report about him which would just piss me off and lead me to getting frustrated with him. His behavior made me question sending him to kindergarten in fall. He'll be five in July, and the cutoff for going to kindergarten is August 1st, so he will be one of the youngest in his class. Academically, he scores way above where he needs to, but his behavior at school reinforces that he is just young, maybe too young to go to kindergarten.  I've questioned the kindergarten thing ever since I got pregnant with him (truth!), probably because I'm in the education field, so I know the challenges of a young kid vs. an older kid.  So my struggle has been this:

Do I hold him back because he's young and with "youngness" comes behavior problems even though academically he is more than ready?

Do I send him because he is academically ready, and cross my fingers that he has a good teacher who will work with him?
This shit keeps me awake at night.  I feel like this one decision will set him up for success or failure for the rest of his educational career. I worry that holding him back will create more/different issues because he'll be so darn bored, and that will cause additional problems.
Last week, he did a 180!  He just turned into this different, lovely kid.  His reports from school were amazing.  His behavior at home was perfect.  I yelled less, got frustrated less, and truly enjoyed being with him every single day.  What happened to him?  I don't think I yelled at him one time this past weekend. I enjoyed every minute with him.  I loved that he was so good and helpful while we ran errands, cleaned, did laundry, etc.  He was a dream.  He was my sweet boy who I adored more than ever.  Of course I loved him while he was being a PITA, but there were plenty of times that I didn't like him.
If THAT kid stays around, I am 100% confident that he will be ready for and will be successful in kindergarten. But I'm pretty sure that I have jinxed myself by putting all of that in writing, and he'll do a 180 again in the wrong direction. That's just the way my luck is.  But then I look at this cute face, and I remind myself that it's possible he can continue being the awesome kid he's been!

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Disney World-- It's not REALLY the Happiest Place, is it?

Last weekend we got back from our whirlwind trip to Disney World, and I can't understand why people go there more than once in their lifetime.  Really, I can't.  While I loved seeing such joy and excitement in Sidekick's face, it's certainly not a place I'd like to go again.  It's kind of a rite of passage, and I'm glad we went, but as he said the day we left, "Goodbye, hotel room.  I'll see you again when I get old like my Momma."  He's right.  He can take his kids while I am happily hanging out in my retirement home. 

The trip was exhausting, which I total expected.  The entire place is like a well oiled machine which makes the trip so much easier.  The meal plans, transportation, Fast Passes, etc. are all there to make the trip more enjoyable.  We went to Magic Kingdom for 2 1/2 days, and Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios one day each.  We rode a lot of rides, got signatures from a bunch of characters, he did Jedi training, he wiped out big time and got a goose egg on his forehead, ate at some cool places with characters, swam, and I had to reign him in during all of it.  He was crazy!  His listening was less than good which made me completely crazy (and I know it made our friends bonkers), but sometimes it's hard to reel him in amongst all of the stimulation and excitement.   

But is it magical???  Sure... if you are a kid or one of those crazy adult Disney fanatics.

I was so worried we'd get sick right before or during our vacation.  I was wrong. We got sick right afterwards.  I have what I'm pretty sure is influenza.  I'm now on day five and feel a little better today than any other day.  Along with my cough, runny nose, and sneezing, my body has been so achy, and no matter what kids of meds I take, nothing took away the achy muscles and joints.  I've had to sleep with a heating pad on my legs because I have been in so much pain. I seriously don't know the last time I have been so sick. 

Then on Tuesday, I got a call from school that Sidekick had a fever, so he has a much milder version of what I have.  His fever finally broke last night, but he's home again today.  I'm hoping that the fever stays away so he can at least go to school tomorrow.  We've had a little too much bonding time over the past almost two weeks.  Haha.

Here are some pics from our vacation:





Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Plugging Along in Life and Total BS

I've been quite unmotivated lately... I mean really unmotivated.  I feel like I suck at being a Mom right now because I just want to curl up in my bed for the day and hide.  I registered Sidekick for kindergarten last night, and I'm still so on the fence about sending him. Academically he's beyond ready-- he is working at a 6 1/2 year old level when he's only 4 1/2.  BUT, he's young and will be almost the youngest boy in his class.  Along with being young comes immaturity, and he's still having issues at school with focusing, keeping his hands to himself, wanting to be the class clown, etc.  Those are the reasons to hold him back, but the experts in the district think that holding him back will result in additional problems such as boredom, which will then cause additional problems.  So, right now, I'm going to send him, with the realization that I can decide at any moment that he isn't going to go. I feel like this decision is going to set him up for success or failure for the next 20 years!
I ended my 2016 sales year on an amazing high note, closing a $2 million sale in December.  It's never happened before, and it put me over my sales goal.  Without explaining how/why because it's too confusing and complicated, they are not paying me a HUGE chunk of my bonus!!!!  I am so f'ing pissed and am kind of on strike right now.  I pretty much worked one hour today, and I didn't give one flying f***!  Why would I work my ass off when they screwed me?  I'm not talking about a few thousand dollars.  I'm talking about a hell of a lot more than that, and I am so upset about it.  My manager is fighting it because it affects his bonus as well and it's WRONG, and we have upper management on our side, but I and my bonus are at the mercy of someone (no idea who that is).  I will appeal, fight, sue, whatever to get my money that I worked so hard for.  It makes me sick that they would do this to me.  I've been with my company for almost 18 years, and they pull this shit.  Why would I kill myself this year like I did last year when they screwed me over?  How unmotivating is that?  I am hoping whoever that someone is will change his/her mind, but it's not looking promising.  It's disgusting, and it makes me so angry thinking about it.

We are about 12 days away from our vacation in hell.  I mean Disney. I'm not looking forward to it because it's way too scheduled (not my kind of vacation), but I know Sidekick will have an amazing time, amongst several breakdowns from exhaustion.  Nothing like throwing a pretty scheduled kid who loves to sleep into a burning fire and think that all will be well.  It would be silly if I believed that.  Attitude adjustment needed please.

Oh yeah!  Happy Singles Awareness Day. I sure love my boy, and don't care about this stupid day. 

Friday, January 27, 2017


In the midst of complete chaos in my life, last month a fellow SMC friend asked me and Sidekick to join her and her son in Disney World next month.  It's a trip I've wanted to take and if Sidekick goes to kindergarten this year instead of holding him back, our time to do this without working around a school calendar is now!  Plus, I think it'll be more fun for the boys to have a buddy to hang with and for the moms to keep each other going when we want to kill our sons.  Ha!  This SMC and I met on some SMC chat board, but I can't even remember which one.  We live in different states, so we've really only gotten together two times since our boys were born.  It'll be a little strange since we are more acquaintances than friends, but regardless, the whole trip will be more fun (and less lonely)with someone else.  This is the most UN-relaxing vacation I will have ever taken!  Everything is scheduled:  Fast passes, character meals, and plain old sit down meals. I'm going to need a vacation when I get back from my vacation.

Back to the chaos... I ended my 2016 sales year with a bang.  At the 11th hour, I brought in an unheard of $2M sale. It put me over my sales goal, one that was really unattainable when it was handed to me in January of 2016.  A $2M account has never happened to me in the almost 14 years I've been doing this, and it'll never happen again. Usually around the holidays, work is slow and I get some downtime.  It's nice.  It gives me time to recuperate.  It gives me time to just build up for the next sales year.  I didn't get that downtime, and I was immediately thrown into a new sales year that is already out of control and it's only January.

Did I mention my vacation next month?  So whoever decided that February would be a great time to go on vacation clearly didn't know what early 2017 had in store for her.  I have a total of $3M in various accounts being decided by mid-March.  So, let's throw a week's vacation during a horrible time careerwise right at the time when decisions will start to be made. I've already had two requests for a sales presentation during my vacation, and the sales presentations will have to be entrusted to someone else because I can't be there.  Shit! 

So the next six weeks are complete chaos!  I had super early appointments and longer than normal work days this week. Sidekick's schedule was definitely thrown off as he was going to school about 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal, and he made it a point to tell me every morning that the moon was still up when we pulled out of the driveway.  I am very thankful that he just goes with the flow and knows when he Momma is working extra hard to "get the big dollars" (love him).  Nonetheless, I feel the stress more than normal.  And to top it all off, he was a complete asshole at school this week. He slapped a kid, hit a kit, and hit a teacher.  He spend three nights in a row writing apology notes and drawing pictures.  Sidekick is not a hitter (and never has been), so I have no idea what is up with him this week!  I don't want to make our busy, insane week an excuse, but I sure am hoping that we'll get back to normal next week. 

I think I may have written about my friend/colleague and the fact that I "ended" our friendship in December because she wasn't there for me when I needed her despite the fact that I was always there for her for everything.  For some reason, I struggled with this day after day because I missed her.  I didn't want to be friends with her because I didn't know how/if I could trust her, but at the same time, I wanted to be friends with her. So amongst the chaos in my life, I was realizing how much what happened to our friendship was bringing me down in my already feeling down world.  We had a long talk last week. I'm not sure if she can and will be the friend that I need and can be to her, but as I have talked to her about people in my life being in "buckets", she may need to be in a different bucket than I thought she could/would be in. 

Buckets?  What do I mean by that?  Everyone in my life has a purpose: the ones I can talk to about personal things, the ones who have been around forever and know me like no one else, the ones who are my friends because Sidekick is friends with their kids, the ones who are colleagues, the ones who are colleagues and a friend, etc. Each person kind of has a role in my life and I know what to expect from each of them and who I can go to for what.  And people can move into different buckets as relationships change for the better or worse.  Now, that may sound trite or crazy, but it helps me know where everyone fits.

Back to my friend... she's the kind of person who will have what I call "diarrhea of the mouth".  She has the amazing ability to just open up, be vulnerable, and tell me whatever she needs/wants to about what is troubling her.  I am truly amazed by her special power and wish I could be a fraction of that, but for whatever reason, I'm just not. This blog tends to be my outlet since my readers are a bunch of people who don't know me, and I don't care what I write/say.  And after we hashed things out (I think) and decided that we did in fact what to be friends (I think), I had "diarrhea of the mouth" and for the first time since I've been in a bad place the past few months, I opened up to someone (her) and told her I just can't keep going.  I can't keep my head above water.  I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning because that means I have to face another day. I can't be the Momma Sidekick deserves.  l actually hate being a mom right now (even though I love Sidekick so much).  What's scary is that I don't know why.  There's so much stress and chaos in my life right now, and I've usually been able to not let it completely ruin me, but I think I am in so deep that I can't get out. 

She really encouraged me to meet/talk with my doctor and talk about possibly taking meds. I struggle with that suggestion.  While I think she is probably right, I can't get past the fact that in my head, resorting to meds makes me weak, incompetent, etc. That means I'm a failure.  Truthfully, I can't function. I have zero balance in my life. I keep thinking that my body will somehow "reset" itself, but I think it's not going to happen that easily especially since I cried while reading "A Fish out of Water" to Sidekick last night.  The book is obviously not sad, but I think after hearing that he was so horrible at school from his teacher who took him home because I couldn't pick him up in time, I just hit that proverbial wall.  I felt like a failure of a Mom who is incapable of raising a well natured child which literally brought me to tears. 

So here we are on a Friday, and I have a weekend ahead of us. It's a weekend where I'd prefer to not be an adult (or at least one without responsibilities) and just watch TV and read a book all weekend.  I am hoping that Sidekick has better behavior this weekend than he has all week because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to handle my kid being a complete asshole.  Right now, I'm just needing to take one hour at a time because that seems to be about all I can handle at the moment.  Hopefully we'll come out on the other side feeling like we are back on track. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Christmas Wrap-up

I've mentioned it several times that I am not a fan of the holidays.  I just don't have the best memories of them growing up.  Now that I am an adult with a child, I am bound and determined for Sidekick to not feel the same way.  I've decided that holidays, especially Christmas, will be stress free, calm, and relaxing.  When I was/am with my family, it doesn't feel like that at all which is why I have chosen to not go out of town to my sister's. This year my mom spent Christmas with my sister and her family (she alternates between us), so it was just me and Sidekick.

Ugly Sweater Day at School
The Magic of Christmas
In the past, I have found the holidays to be a little sad and lonely.  This year was different.  This year felt good.  Sidekick and I made a lasagna the morning of Christmas Eve while listening to Christmas music and singing loudly. Sidekick LOVES to cook and it's fun to have him help me. I now trust him with a sharp knife and he does a great job cutting things.  Later that day, we went to church... Sidekick to Kids Ministry and I to the big church.  It felt good, and I was happy. 

We came home, cooked our amazing lasagna, and ate our Christmas dinner in our Christmas PJs instead of our church clothes.  It was Sidekick's suggestion, so why not?  Who says we have to dress up for Christmas dinner?  I read "'Twas the Night before Christmas" to him after eating chocolate pie, and he was sound asleep before 7:30. 

Christmas morning with Sidekick was special and calm. Sidekick was appreciative and excited about each gift and Santa gave him what he wanted.  My sister texted at 11:00 wondering what we were up to. I told her we could skype then.  She responded "in a bit" (apparently her husband wasn't home right then???).  Two hours later, I was still waiting. I kept trying to hold off putting together presents, starting a project, etc. because I kept telling Sidekick we will skype "in a bit".  I was annoyed and texted my sister only to find that her boys were outside playing!  WTF?!?  We had been waiting.. apparently "in a bit" means several f'ing hours! I asked two separate times what time we could skype and never got a response.
Sidekick and old Dog
 By the time they were ready to skype, Sidekick was watching a movie he got for Christmas and I wasn't about to interrupt it. Besides, at that point, their dinner was going to be ready in 30 minutes, so opening presents would have been rushed.  Their two hour dinner finally ended at the time when our dinner was beginning, and Sidekick was exhausted and I had a migraine.  I texted that we would have to skype the next day (apparently not convenient for them, but I didn't care).  Sidekick didn't care at that point about opening more presents, and his disappointment was finally over.

My mom called me that night and couldn't understand why I was irritated.  That conversation ended quickly. It was the first time I had heard from my mom all day.  Merry f'ing Christmas. 

Sidekick wanted this ugly ass robot monkey from Santa.  I found it on sale and had a gift card for him, so I got it for him.  It's plastic and heavy, and he insisted on sleeping with it!  At 1:55 AM he came into my room to tell me that the monkey was scaring him. Of course it was!  He's ugly and terrifying.  I walked him back to his room and put the monkey on the floor at the other end of his room.  He immediately wanted to play with it in the morning.

The next morning my mom texted me and a text argument commenced.  I told her that Skyping with the her family should have happened before my brother-in-law went somewhere and before the boys went outside to play. I felt like we were an afterthought.  I explained that that will not happen again.  My calm, stress-free Christmas was not that anymore because I was so irritated and annoyed with waiting for them. I made it clear that I will NOT do that again! 

A couple hours later we skyped my family and opened presents.  I didn't care at that point because I was still annoyed.  I felt like they let my son down.  He was just so wrapped up in the magic and excitement of Christmas and then had to see a bunch of unwrapped presents under the Christmas tree all because of one excuse after another. 

Buh-bye Christmas! See you again next year...  hopefully with zero chaos and stress! 


Friday, December 9, 2016

What Happened to November?

Wow!  I had no idea that it's been so long since I've blogged!  Wasn't it just Halloween and here we are just a little over two weeks away from Christmas.

Life has been insanely busy.  For the past four months, I've been working my a$$ off trying to secure a $2 million account (after 14 years doing this, it's my largest one ever!).  I won it at one point, and then just two days later, I un-won it because they thought the vote was too close.  So for ten more days, I continued to work the account in hopes of a good outcome, and fortunately I won it again!  We cut them an amazing deal, but it had to be approved by their Board and Purchase Orders need to be cut. The was a glitch in that on the customer's end.  We didn't think we'd be able to get all POs from them, which meant I didn't get 2016 credit for the entire order, which meant a significantly less bonus for me.  Ugh!  I am hopeful that I will get a PO by the end of the day today or first thing on Monday.  Needless to say, there has been an enormous amount of stress, lots of tears, upset stomachs, and sleepless nights. It's been quite an awful four months. 

But Halloween was fun and we had a 14th birthday party for Dog:

In not the exact words, Sidekick told me at one point when I was a crazy person with work that I was not a good Mom. Talk about a tug at your heart strings!  I was so in over my head that I was doing what I could to survive the stress of work and being a single mom.  It was really hard, but he somehow went with the flow and was rewarded with our first time going to Six Flags (bought 2017 season pass that could also be used in 2016). I think I may have redeemed myself a little bit that day, and during the fun time I needed to be reminded of what is really important in life, and it's that sweet boy who calls me "Momma".  And that took us into the holidays...
I'm not a fan of the holidays, and I've mentioned it every year since I started this blog.  I wish I could just go to sleep on Thanksgiving and wake up on January 2nd.  Shortly after my birthday and before Thanksgiving, I went into a bad funk.  For one week, I could barely drag myself out of bed to take care of Sidekick and work. If I was working from home (because I have a home office), I found myself working less and laying on my sofa more and sleeping.  One of the weekends Sidekick played in the basement or if he was lucky get to watch "extra" TV while I was two floors up in my bed for hours on end. I checked on him every once in a while, but I just couldn't function.  It was bad.  Really bad.  Through it all, Sidekick was amazing. 
I'm not someone who is very open with people when things are not going well in my life, which is probably why I blog anonymously.  I tend to just put on a good front.  During this time of my bad funk, I told a friend via text that I was not doing well and instead of receiving support from her, she gave me nothing. Absolutely nothing.  I was devastated because I thought she could be the friend to help me and to listen to me, instead she walked away.  Weeks later, she still doesn't understand why I was upset that she was being such a shitty friend when I needed her the most. Is it so difficult to just ask me what is going on, encourage me to talk to her, let me know she's here for me, etc.?  I had supported her so much through personal/work things that she was going through and the minute I hit rock bottom, she left. Eye opening. It really sucks that we work together and had to be together this week.  It was awkward, and I was miserable having to spend time with someone who I considered a good friend who ended up hurting me so much.  In the end, I decided we can't be close friends like we once were. I even unfriended her on Facebook and silly Fitbit to sever personal ties. I can and will be a civil colleague (as difficult as that may be), but I cannot be in a one sided friendship.  But, I miss her... a lot, so this is really, really hard. I'm trying to remind myself that I chose to do this because I didn't get out of her the quality of friendship and support that I was giving her.  Did I mention that I miss her?
So there's the latest in my life. I have invited five (or maybe it's six) SMC moms and their kids to our house on Sunday to decorate Christmas cookies.  It sounded like a great idea at the time, but now I have to make dozens and dozens of homemade cookies and clean my house. Today was supposed to be a vacation day so I could do all of that; instead, I had to work because there were problems with my $2 million account. And again, the stress level rises.  'Tis the season...

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Did Sidekick Get Gypped?

I have realized that as Sidekick gets older and we are out and about doing a lot of fun things, I find myself being more aware of everyone/everything around us.  I realize that I am very much on my own island with my boy.  I can't seem to explain what exactly I mean by all of this, but perhaps my fellow SMC pals will understand...

I get really sad around the holidays (I always kind of have), so we have to get through Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve.  I just wish that I can go to sleep for two months and wake up when it's all over.  When Sidekick and I are out doing fun "family" things, I am so aware that our family is "different". Sometimes I think it's even silly to use the word "family" describing us since it's just me and Sidekick. Can two people be considered a "family"?  I consider us a "duo" more than a family because family just doesn't seem to fit they type (or is it size?) of family we are.  In fact, our return address labels refer to us as "last name Duo".  We are total out casters.

I (we) are bombarded with traditional families everywhere we turn.  I know (and I tell Sidekick all the time) that there are a lot of different families, but we are surrounded by the ones that have a Mom, Dad, and kids, so unless we are with our local SMC group, he doesn't see those "different" families. We don't even have divorced friends with kids.  I've written about this before, but it's hard to do things with other families when the Dad is the odd man out and families want to spend their weekends together as a family.  I get together regularly with my local SMC group, but I don't seem to have a close bond with any of them. It's nice to be around people with whom I can relate, but that true friendship just isn't there.  I really thought friendships would be easier once I had a child, and in some ways it is, but the deep friendships with people to whom I am connected through Sidekick just aren't there.  They are great people and have helped when I've been in a bind with picking up Sidekick from school if I have a late presentation, but I don't consider myself close to them.  Would they do anything for us?  Absolutely!  Would I cry on their sofa?  Probably not.

Yesterday we went to a fun Halloween evening event.  I invited some friends because quite frankly, I find it very lonely and depressing to do special things with just me and Sidekick. We got there and had to take a tram to the actual location.  "Party of Two" here, and we sat in our own row that holds four.  Why the hell does this upset me so much????  I felt like everyone was looking at us and feeling sorry for us.  I know that wasn't the case, but it seriously tugged at my heart strings, and it got me really thinking...

... is Sidekick getting gypped in life because I chose to have a baby on my own?  He has no siblings. His cousins, aunt, and uncle are an 8 1/2 hour drive away and his grandma is a five hour drive away. That's it! We aren't in physical contact with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Is the way he is growing up fair to him?  Did my desire to be a mom override what is best for him?  Surely it doesn't, right?  But while I try so hard to give him a great, loving, fulfilling, happy life, I wonder if it's enough. If I'm enough.  He didn't have a choice in the matter.  He got stuck with me. (Although, he does tell me often that God let him choose me to be his Momma, so maybe in fact he did choose his life.  Who the heck knows, and I am not a religious person to try and figure that out.)

We were supposed to go to our friends' house for our annual Halloween festivities, and their youngest has a fever, so they don't want to share their germs. Totally understandable.  I immediately wanted to cry because I felt bad for Sidekick that trick or treating is now going to be alone unless I can figure out another plan quickly.  It's no fun to trick or treat alone!  I'm crushed.  He seems much better about it than I, but the thought of him running from house to house with no one next to him just breaks my heart.  And me standing there alone while watching him have fun is very, well, lonely.  Is he as lonely as I am?

Maybe I'm the only SMC who feels this way.  Maybe I am the only SMC who yearns for so much more than I have.  I didn't think that a baby would make my world perfect, but I also didn't think it would make me feel the way I have been feeling... lonely and selfish for having a child alone. Maybe I am overthinking things, and the way things are are totally okay for Sidekick. After all, right now he doesn't know what's out there in this big world in which we live, but I fear that as he becomes a bigger, more important member of society as he gets older, he will soon realize that yes, he did in fact totally get gypped. 

Sunday, September 18, 2016

No Pressure... It's just $1 millon!

I'm currently trying to close a $1 million dollar account, and the order will come in in December.  While this won't get me to my sales goal (because that went up 50%, thank you very much company), it will get me closer and a little bigger of a bonus check. The pressure is on, and all eyes are on me right now.  I feel it coming from all directions in my company, and I need my personal life to be as calm as possible so I can focus.  Like that would actually happen...

Sidekick started coughing on Sunday and didn't sleep well all night.  I told the director at his school the next morning that I will not be answering their call the next four weeks because I have way too many important things going on with work to focus on Sidekick.  Haha.  Lo and behold, Sidekick had his own agenda and woke up at 2:45 AM very distraught that the pictures (of himself) on the walls were moving and changing colors.  Totally confused, I had him show me and obviously didn't see what he was seeing, I immediately felt his forehead and he was burning up.  His temperature was 104.7.  He was seriously freaking out about these pictures, so I called the exchange because of this strange hallucination he was having.  The nurse on call was definitely worried, and when she asked me to check him for a rash, he told me that Mickey Mouse was on his ceiling, and the nurse heard that which made her a little more concerned.  I gave him Motrin and was told if the fever didn't go down a degree within an hour, then I needed to take him to the ER. So, worried that someone may need to take care of Dog and seeing my not-so-clean-kitchen, I started cleaning at 3:45 AM, just in case (like anyone would even care if my kitchen counters had shit on them. Goodness gracious!).  His fever did get lower, and at 4:45 AM, he was still awake in his bed, and I was awake in my bed catching up on my DVR.  He finally fell asleep around 5:15, and I didn't. It was a long day and began worrying about meetings that I would be missing that day.

His doctor wanted to see him even though his fever had broken within hours after only one dose of Motrin to rule out pneumonia.  We went in and got the all clear, and the next day he went to school.  Wednesday morning at around 5:45 AM about 45 minutes before I had to wake up, Sidekick woke up screaming and crying that he had a bloody nose.  Already lacking on sleep because of several days/weeks of insomnia and a late night phone call with a friend, I dragged myself out of bed to clean him up.  His bedroom looked like a crime scene!  There was blood everywhere!  From every piece of bedding to his arms and face to his carpet.  Good Lord!  Let's add something else to my full agenda for the day. In between work appointments, I rushed home to switch the laundry over. After my work appointments, I rushed home to pick up Sidekick from school, give him a bath, fed him an early dinner, and headed out to a work event for parents.  Yep! I took him with me, partly because I didn't want to pay for a babysitter and partly because he had been begging to go to work with me again.  He did great, and when the event was over, I rushed back home, made his bed, and threw him in bed because it was past his bedtime.

I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions. I have this $1 million account looming over my head.  I need to be in so many different places at once for this big account and meeting with customers pretty much every day.  I can't keep up (or who am I kidding?  I can't even begin) with pre-working 2017 sales because I am all consumed with this big account. I feel like I am neglecting all of my other customers (even though I somehow get everything done that they need me to do) because my focus needs to be on this big account.  I kind of suck at being a Mom, and when Sidekick needs me the most, I feel like I can't give him what he needs. I can't find a balance right now between work and my personal life.  And oh yeah!  I desperately need to go running, and haven't done that in weeks.  The good news is, this will all come to a screeching halt when I find out in mid-October if I won the account, and I'm afraid where I'll "go" if I lose this account. So damn much is riding on it. 

But if anything good came out this week, it's that I was so freaking busy, that I didn't have time to be in a slump. Emotionally I felt better than I have in a several weeks.  I was more exhausted than ever, but I felt like I needed to cry less, which is a good thing.  Yes, I bitched in my last post that my life is tied up in work and Sidekick, but I was too busy to feel sorry for myself this week.  I guess that's a good thing. 

I deep cleaned my house yesterday and had a friend and her daughter come over for dinner and to play.  Sidekick loves to help me clean, so one of the tasks I gave him was cleaning three toilets. I explained it was very important to get all of the blue cleaner off the inside of the toilet, and he took his job very seriously.  Who knew it would take so long for a four year old to do that!  It was nice to have a glass of wine with a friend while our kids played.  Today was our monthly SMC meeting.  We have a small, active group here, but Sidekick gets along great with one of the boys. We spent three hours at the park and then came home and took Dog for a long walk while Sidekick rode his bike.

My focus to continue the momentum of feeling a little better and less in a slump was to keep busy this weekend and surround myself with people so that the loneliness didn't creep back in. I think I succeeded.  

And as I was just about click "Publish" to post on this blog, Sidekick got another bloody nose... and much of it is on my brand new carpet in my newly finished basement. It was another gusher!  I was somewhat trying to sound like sunshine and roses a little more than my previous post, but right now... FML.  Now lets add an ENT appointment into my busy, stressful life.   

Saturday, September 10, 2016

A Post That's All Over the Place

I know I've written about this "issue" before, but I am circling back again:  

I never thought that my life would be all sunshine and roses once I had a baby, but I never imagined it would feel so empty either.  Sidekick definitely filled a void in my heart and my life, but how is it possible to feel so empty and lonely when my life is so consumed with work and Sidekick?  Oh yeah... that's right... because it's filled with work and Sidekick and pretty much nothing else.  Nothing!

My last post focused on the struggles Sidekick was having at school, and I can fully admit that he was my least favorite person in the world.  I literally dreaded picking him up from school and started picking him up later just because I didn't want to have this constant fight with him for longer than I had to.  He was just dragging me down. 

We were on vacation last week visiting my mom, and as soon as we got there, she couldn't believe what a monster Sidekick had become.  She clearly wasn't grasping the severity of what was going on at home and school, but she quickly caught on.  I was determined to get him (and us) back on track that week.  I gave him very little leeway with anything, and after I asked/told him to do something two times, I immediately did what needed to be done:  take whatever he was doing away, redirect, time out, etc.  I cracked down on him big time.  Between that and bonding with me and my mom, he got back on track and he has been a dream once again.  He had a great week back at school and got all of his stickers.  He's sweet, kind, a good listener (the majority of the time), and an overall great kid.  My Sidekick is back, and for that, I am so grateful.

Now, all that doesn't mean that holding him back in kindergarten next year has been pushed aside because I am definitely still considering that for the social/emotional reasons.  He's super smart, but as I see him with kids ten months older than him, I see a difference between them. He's crazy tall and looks like he's at least five, so when he plays with five and six year olds and blends in size wise, he's just not as fast, not as agile, etc. as he is with kids his age.  It frustrates him and I see him have an internal breakdown that he's not good enough.  I have to remind him and the older kids that he just turned four, but I feel like if he goes to kindergarten next year, I'll always be reminding him that he's younger when he eight, 13, 18, etc. and most of his classmates are a year older.  Is that fair to Sidekick?

Back to vacation... we had a great time, but it took me several days to just be able to let loose and relax a bit. I've been so stressed, burnt out, and in a funk that I couldn't let go and enjoy being away from the "real" world until several days in.  We rented a wave runner, played on the beach, jumped off the docks, fished, went to a carnival, and just chilled out.  My mom even encouraged me to go to the beach one day alone while Sidekick was napping.  I was in heaven while engaged in a good book and sitting in peace and quiet while I had the beach all to myself. 

Unfortunately, I hurt my back badly helping my mom store her patio furniture below the deck right before we were to get on the road and head home. After moving some things, I bent down to pick up a chair and the pain hit so suddenly and was so bad that I literally couldn't move from the position I was in and had tears streaming down my face.  Not trying to scare Sidekick, I tried to just lay on the floor as easily as possibly, but I literally couldn't get down to the floor. He saw me suffering, and he immediately got me a glass of ice water and a Nutella & Go.  He was sure they would fix my pain.  I managed to get in the car about an hour later and make the five hour drive home. I was afraid if I waited any longer, the pain might have been worse and kept me at my mom's for who knows how long.

The next day, Sidekick was pretty much on his own, while I laid in my bed all day.  I felt badly, but he did great entertaining himself and checking on me every once in a while.  I'd venture downstairs only to feed him and Dog and take Dog outside.  The pain was excruciating and even heavy duty pain pills were not doing the trick.  At 11:45 PM (as I was just about to fall asleep) and again at 3:42 AM, Sidekick came into my room to check on me, stroke my face, and see if I was feeling better.  Those are the moments when I have to remind myself that I really do have a super awesome kid. After all, what four year old is that aware of something/someone other than himself?

So... going back to my first paragraph, I knew that I would struggle getting back to reality once I got back in town.  When I hurt my back, I also knew it would be worse than I had anticipated because I was in so much pain.  Plus, I wouldn't be able to go running, something I was really trying to do several times a week for myself, but now couldn't since I was in too much in pain to even walk up the stairs.  I work out of my home which was a really good thing this past week because I just couldn't snap out of it to actually care about work to want to work.  I did the bare minimum and found myself laying on the sofa in the middle of the day partly because I was in so much pain and partly because I was just emotionally drained and didn't give a shit. I just wanted to lay there in a zone and not think about work, Sidekick, etc.  I wanted to feel like there is more to my life beyond work and Sidekick, and I couldn't find anything, so I sulked and cried and got angry for this life that I just don't enjoy living right now. (And I really hate admitting that.)

So here I sit on another weekend trying to be an awesome mom and give my son a fun two days all while not enjoying any of it.  I'm just trying to get through each hour and doing what I can to make the weekend go faster... not because I want to work but because I don't want to feel like a shitty mom, which I often feel like on the weekends because I'm just tired, have so much to do, and am not motivated lately to do special things with Sidekick.  We went to a park today, and I was so grateful Sidekick immediately paired up with a five year old boy so that I could just sit on the bench and watch, all the while feeling like a shitty, lonely, pathetic  Mom who just doesn't seem to fit into the "norm" since we don't have what is considered a "normal" family.  I thought making friends would be easier as a Mom, but that's not the case, especially since these other moms have husbands and other kids to keep up with. We are the 5th an 6th wheels in their lives.  We just don't fit into this world despite how much I try to normalize this world for Sidekick, and I feel like he is noticing differences. 

While I did take advantage of the beautiful day, after going to the park we took Dog for a long walk while Sidekick rode his bike, I felt super guilty that he watched a lot of TV. Yep, I used TV as a babysitter.  And while he watched TV, I crawled into my bed and took a short nap.  I don't really nap, and I rarely did when he was a newborn, but crap I needed one today. 

I can't imagine my life without Sidekick, but I just didn't think my life would "feel" this way, that I would feel so incomplete and empty.  The less Sidekick needs me because he's getting older, the more I feel it. I know I go through phases of feeling like this, but for some reason, it just seems worse this time around. Each time I eventually pull out of this funk, and I am hoping and praying that it happens soon because I'm not sure how much longer I can keep plugging along like this. 

(And if I didn't suck so much, I would post great pictures from our vacation, but I just don't want to download them.  Yep, pathetic.) 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Struggles at School

Sidekick has been a real pain in the ass at school the past few weeks, and his teachers, the director, and I were not able to figure out what the F was going on with him.  His class does a color system for behavior and they move their clothes pins accordingly.  Purple is the best and red is the worst with four colors in between.

Sidekick has always been super smart, spunky and spirited, often "teaching" the class during circle time when he knows everything.  (Ugh!)  However, his spiritedness and spunk have gotten him into deep water at school.  Circle time has been awful (not sitting still, talking, not listening, etc.) and his overall listening was atrocious at times.  When kids get on red, they get a red note explaining why and they have to sign their names.  At first, red notes devastated him, but most recently, he ran around the class singing, "I got a red note."  Yep. He didn't care at all. 

I dreaded picking him up from school and hearing bad news.  My almost perfect kid had turned into a complete monster.  Then his momma turned into a monster the rest of the night because she was so disappointed in her son's behavior.  It became a vicisous cycle, and our evenings just kind of sucked, and quite frankly, I didn't want to be with him because I hated his behavior at school and I took that out on him, and we just weren't "gelling".   

I finally talked to the director about coming up with a new system since the current system was completely ineffective for Sidekick.  We decided he would have a sticker chart and have to get four stickers a day for daily things (circle time, academics, rotations, and nap).  Knowing that circle time was his pain point, I bribed him and told him that if he gets a star during circle time, he could play on my iPad that evening.  I do NOT let him on my iPhone or iPad normally, so this is a huge treat for him.  I was desperate.  We set up his weekly goal of getting eight out of 20 stickers.  He wanted to make s'mores if he got eight.  Week one was a success, and I think he got 12 stickers.  I was so proud of him.  The second week, we upped his required stickers, and he got 18 out of 20!  Amazing!  So... he's back on track, but what was very troubling was this...

I felt like the director and teachers were thinking he may have ADHD (and maybe he does), and it started freaking me out. I've always been a proactive Momma, so knowing that his four year doctor appointment is coming up, I found it important to see how things go with a new system in place.  School started keeping track of his day in a spiral notebook to help all of us figure him out and what triggered his bad behavior, and then  I could show it to his doctor.  Fortunately, the notebook has stopped because he's been doing so great, but things still are a concern of mine. Was it just some type of a phase?

Oh!  And how can I forget... with a broken clavicle, he has to sit outside at a table alone and play with something.  He has no way to get rid of his pent of energy, so this may have contributed a little.. but the bad behavior kind of started before the broken clavicle.  But in his defense, a broken clavicle doesn't help things.

All of this behavior leads me to this...

Sidekick has a July birthday, and the cutoff for kindergarten is August 1st.  As soon as I got pregnant and realized my due date, I immediately thought... great (or more accurately "shit").  I'm in education, so I know how hard it is to decide whether or not to "redshirt" a kid, especially a boy, who has a late birthday.  So, while he can go to kindergarten next year, I'm totally on the fence about it especially with his recent behavior at school. 

This mom stuff can be really challenging, and overall, I've never found it very challenging or overwhelming on a day to day basis.  Sure we get in funks every now and then, but motherhood overall is not that difficult for me.  It's all the outside crap (work, errands, household chores, etc.) and lack of "me time" that make motherhood suck at times... not having Sidekick (if that makes).  I just want to always do the right things for him, and sometimes I'm not sure what the right things are.  Case in point:  Kindergarten in 2017.