I hesitate putting this out there because I know it can cause some, uh- let's say, heated opinions on the matter, but I've really been questioning if being a SMC was selfish on my part because it's what I wanted without really considering Sidekick's (well, really at the time, my "unconceived"/unborn child's) opinions/feelings on the situation. I hate to put that in writing, I really do, but lately as I see this little guy turning into a "real" person, I wonder if he'll be angry with me for doing what I did. The fact that he most likely won't have a sibling because of the cost of daycare and I refuse to go into debt, I wonder if he'll be even angrier with me because he has no one but me to grow up with and absolutely no one with whom he can share this unique situation in which he is growing up. Sure, he has other wonderful people in his life, but not a sibling and not a dad. It's just Sidekick and I (unless I am fortunate to get married one day). I've often had conversations with myself (and blogged) about the conversation he and I will have when he asks where his daddy is. I kind of fear that day when he realizes his family is different than his friends' families. Did I do him a disservice by becoming a SMC?
(I've now been staring at my computer for at least five minutes hearing so many people's thoughts and opinions in my head as they read the above paragraph, but I'll continue anyway.)
I've never loved someone as much as I love Sidekick, but is that enough for Sidekick? I am obsessed with this amazing little boy growing up so quickly in front of me, and I can't get enough of him. Sidekick makes my life so wonderful and fulfilled, but will he have the same feelings as he grows up? Will I be enough for him? Will he look at me one day and say, "F you for doing this to me!" Will he be teased in this cruel world because his mom bought some sperm? Or will he stand proud and tell everyone that his mom wanted him so badly that she would do just about anything to get him?
I have never had any regrets about being a SMC, and honestly, when I was pregnant I thought I might. I've never had anyone say to my face that what I am doing is horrible or wrong. In fact, I've had nothing but support from everyone, even those I thought wouldn't agree with my decision. My life with Sidekick is so incredibly wonderful, but I am fearful that Sidekick's life with me might not be as wonderful because I decided to do what I wanted and have a baby in what is considered a unique situation, and he didn't have a choice. I've always believed we get the child(ren) we are meant to have, so perhaps the children of SMC are those that won't think anything of it and are strong enough to deal with whatever ridicule from others and inner struggles they may have. I also try to remind myself that our family is more common than I think and that there are so many different types of families (two parents, divorced, gay/lesbian, single moms, single dads) so Sidekick's family is just another "type" of family. I just don't want this little boy to grow up resenting me because I did what I did to fulfill my dream.
So fellow SMC, am I the only one who thinks this way and is worried? I'm pretty sure that those who follow my blog are SMC, but I'm curious what people in a "nuclear" family think about this. Thoughts? Comments? (Thanks for letting me get this off my chest and throw it out to cyber world.)
I'm about start my first IUI in Feb. I still struggle with the thoughts that you're having and here's what I think!
ReplyDelete1) If you hadn't made the choices you have then your child wouldn't exist. At some point they'll come through the other side and be glad you gave them life no matter how it happened.
2) I think of my friend who had a baby with a man who turned out to be worse than I ever presumed him to be. Her son is now 8 years old and just met his 'father' for the first time (and possibly the last.) A donor is a far better father option than this man could ever be... he'll never do anything but disappoint his son.
3) I was teased in school for being the only kid with divorced parents. Every kid gets teased for something.
4) I cried after my Mum confessed that she had never had an affair and my Dad was 100% my Father. He disappointed me for much of my life. I have, at times resented her for her choice in parentage. I made it through and now I know that without him there wouldn't be me.
Are you in touch with any of his donor siblings? (I haven't read through your whole blog so I don't know!) Perhaps this could give him a little bit of an extended family with whom he can share experiences. Did you watch Generation Cryo on MTV? Cheesy yes, but it helped me to look into a possible future and what the kids really think of their situations!
I don't think it's selfish... SMC's have to sacrifice more (in some ways) than nuclear families to bring our babies into the world. I'm also pretty sure that by the time your son reaches teenage years there will be an ever growing number of children conceived in this way too.
I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking like this but it helps me process my thoughts on it too. Hope it helps!
Thank you for responding and giving me your thoughts. You make some fabulous points! I have not even attempted to reach out to his donor siblings. Honestly, that idea kind of freaks me out because it's not something that is important to me. I've decided I'll let him make that decision when he is old enough to understand everything. Good luck on your first IUI!!!!!
DeleteHi! I just found your blog and I love it! Thank you for sharing your world. I am 40, been back in STL less than a year, and am currently 4 1/2 months pregnant with my first child. I was curious if you would share any resources on single mom support groups you may be familiar with in the STL area?
ReplyDeleteI'm scared, excited, and a bit nervous about this solo journey I'm undertaking!
Thanks!
Hi, there! Congrats on your pregnancy! Email me, and I can point you to certain groups.
DeleteI most definitely have had the same concerns. It's funny though, we almost never think about married parents as being selfish for having children. Except, I think back to when I was a child and I DID resent my mother for having me- to an extent (and we've moved past it to have a pretty good relationship, now).
ReplyDeleteAt a certain point, all children resent their parents for one reason or another and if you're not okay with that, I think you need to get there, because it happens... but I also think back to the resentment I had as a child- my older sibling was the "responsible" one, my younger sibling was the perfect baby... and I felt like the screw-up who was always in trouble and only kept around from my ability to do chores. In retrospect, I think I was unfair to my mother, but that's the way I felt- for long enough that it still hurts to think about...
But when I try to put some perspective on it and learn from it, I come up with 2 things to remember.
The first I've already mentioned: it's normal for children to resent their parents for something and if this is what they resent, so be it, chances are that they will still be able to bond with you and live happy, normal lives.
The second is that people probably resent less the folks who make them feel respected/understood in someway. It's not about giving into every little whim, but I believe that if my mother had acknowledged my efforts and feelings more than she did, I wouldn't have resented her so much. If there had been a "thank you" for getting my chores done, if she had praised me more for the stuff I got right- rather than making me feel like I was only being criticized- I don't think the amount of chores I was asked to do or the amount of criticism I recieved were unreasonable- it's just that they didn't come with the understanding and respect I would have liked.
Given that, I think/hope/pray that by being sensitive to our children's feelings about being donor- conceived, by being respectful to them by telling them the truth, indulging their curiosity when they want to know more and keeping our mouths shut when they don't want us to bring it up- that we're likely to garner less resentment. Yes, this will be a fact of thier lives and how that plays out in their lives and their minds we cannot control, but if we are understanding and respectful, I think the resentment will be minimal, and if I'm wrong, that's okay, because resentment is normal between parent and child.
Good point that at some point, unfortunately our kids will resent us! And you're right... we just need to be cognizant of their feelings. Thanks for your thoughts.
DeleteI wrote a long comment and I don't think it "published". All SMC's worry about the selfish perspective or teen anger. But you know what? All kids, even those raised in 2 parent homes with 1.5 siblings, become resentful and angry as teens.
ReplyDeleteSidekick knows how much you love him. Concentrate on the day-to-day unconditional relationship and he'll be just fine. (Even if he goes through a rough phase as a teen. I know to expect some bumps in the road with my boys but I'm not going to lose sleep or good times with them now.)
Your boys are older, and I'm so curious if they have asked why they don't have a dad. Has that happened? Will you blog about it? I'm interested in what you have told them thus far.
DeleteI have thought about this often too. It is hard to say how our kids will feel years from now, but I do hope that one day they will understand. I realize that my son will be mad at me many, many times, for a variety of reasons. I remember resenting my parents for completely ridiculous reasons (and some biggies), and honestly I still do sometimes, but I get over it eventually.
ReplyDeleteAt this point, all we can do if they are angry at us, is listen and let them know they can express those feelings in a safe and healthy way. We will be there to take the brunt of those emotions and we will be there to pick them up after those moments...but we also get to be there on those days when they accept our love,
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks about this. Maybe there will be a support group for kids born via sperm donors... Kind of like AA. Haha! You're right, our kids will have plenty of other things to be mad at us about. Thanks for your thoughts.
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