I've never been a fan of holidays. They haven't usually made me happy for as long as I can remember. I've had my fair share of loneliness during the holidays... some where I've been all alone due to family "estrangement", some where I've been with my family, some where it's just been me and Sidekick. But, I've never felt "whole". This year, while my mom was here for Christmas, I felt especially lonely on New Year's Eve. I hate saying that because I have Sidekick, but I don't think he's enough for me. (Gosh, I hate putting that in writing.)
During my time of being alone (no kid/boyfriend), I always thought the holidays (and life in general) would be more fulfilling when I had a child or got married. And they are. Really, they are. But something is missing. I miss companionship. I miss sharing my life with someone other than a 3 1/2 year old. I'm jealous of the more "traditional" families surrounding me. They seem to have their own lives that we don't fit into. I feel alienated from my friends. It just feels like my world is Sidekick, work, the occasional workout/run, keeping up a house, running errands, and the occasional adventure/outing with Sidekick with or without friends joining us. That just doesn't seem like enough.
I'm at that point in my life when I feel like if I had another baby, everything would be better because I'd be so busy and happy that Sidekick had a sibling, when in fact this feeling of loneliness would just creep up on me again. I know it would. So for practicality and financial reasons, I push that thought away, but then I feel guilty that Sidekick is growing up in this world the way he is, especially with no sibling. Ugh! What is my problem????!!!
Sidekick's schedule has been wacky for a couple of weeks because of the holidays and my mom being in town, even though I've stuck with it for all but a couple of days. His napping has been hit or miss, and when he naps, he's up late. I'm fortunate that he will stay in his bed and read books until he falls asleep around 9:30, but then I feel like he should be hanging with me, even though I need my downtime. Guilt. Last night, New Year's Eve, he was exhausted, and he was asleep shortly after I put him in bed at 8:00. I spent the evening watching Netflix... alone. So depressing.
Not only is being a SMC difficult, especially now that my kid is a Threenager (and a monster because he's really difficult right now), but it's also lonely. Nights can be long and lonely. Life can be "blah" when you have a kid glued to your hip and have to think about him and his needs every waking moment. I can't be carefree and just run to the store and wander around aimlessly because Sidekick is touching everything and wanting to go his own way in the store. I can't go for a long run because I need to hire a babysitter and don't want to spend the money. I can't just pick up and go somewhere without paying attention to how close it is to a meal, nap, bedtime, etc.
Don't get me wrong... I love Sidekick more than anything in the world. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. He has filled a hole in my heart and has taught me so much about life. But, I need more. So... for 2016, I'm going to try to change that. I'm going to try to do things that fulfill my life. I'm going to be on the lookout for a great guy to join our great little family. I'm going to find peace and happiness in everything around me. I'm going to get back to feeling like a whole person again who really does have a good life and not get wrapped up in the monotony of life. I'm going to start running again and hopefully train for another half marathon (then I stress about how I will get all the training in with Sidekick.) I don't like using the word "resolution" and I don't really like tacking the timing of these things to a new year. For my situation, it just happened to be timely to a new year. (If that makes sense.)
I just need to be reminded that during horrible temper tantrums, a dirty house, a stressful job, and everything else that we deal with on a daily basis, there really is more to all of that that can make me feel complete. Thankfully, a kiss out of the blue from Sidekick always brings a smile to my face. It really is the little things, and I just need to get back to appreciating them while doing something along the way that makes me happy.