Friday, January 1, 2016

Lonely in Life

I had started a post a few days ago about Christmas, but I just didn't find it to be "right".  I have more than a recap of Christmas about which to write, so for now an entry about Christmas is on the backburner, and may never make in to an official post.  That's okay.  I have more weighing on me right now. 

I've never been a fan of holidays.  They haven't usually made me happy for as long as I can remember. I've had my fair share of loneliness during the holidays... some where I've been all alone due to family "estrangement", some where I've been with my family, some where it's just been me and Sidekick.  But, I've never felt "whole".  This year, while my mom was here for Christmas, I felt especially lonely on New Year's Eve. I hate saying that because I have Sidekick, but I don't think he's enough for me. (Gosh, I hate putting that in writing.)

During my time of being alone (no kid/boyfriend), I always thought the holidays (and life in general) would be more fulfilling when I had a child or got married.  And they are.  Really, they are.  But something is missing. I miss companionship. I miss sharing my life with someone other than a 3 1/2 year old.  I'm jealous of the more "traditional" families surrounding me. They seem to have their own lives that we don't fit into. I feel alienated from my friends. It just feels like my world is Sidekick, work, the occasional workout/run, keeping up a house, running errands, and the occasional adventure/outing with Sidekick with or without friends joining us.  That just doesn't seem like enough.

I'm at that point in my life when I feel like if I had another baby, everything would be better because I'd be so busy and happy that Sidekick had a sibling, when in fact this feeling of loneliness would just creep up on me again.  I know it would.  So for practicality and financial reasons, I push that thought away, but then I feel guilty that Sidekick is growing up in this world the way he is, especially with no sibling.  Ugh!  What is my problem????!!! 

Sidekick's schedule has been wacky for a couple of weeks because of the holidays and my mom being in town, even though I've stuck with it for all but a couple of days.  His napping has been hit or miss, and when he naps, he's up late.  I'm fortunate that he will stay in his bed and read books until he falls asleep around 9:30, but then I feel like he should be hanging with me, even though I need my downtime.  Guilt.  Last night, New Year's Eve, he was exhausted, and he was asleep shortly after I put him in bed at 8:00.  I spent the evening watching Netflix... alone. So depressing.

Not only is being a SMC difficult, especially now that my kid is a Threenager (and a monster because he's really difficult right now), but it's also lonely.  Nights can be long and lonely.  Life can be "blah" when you have a kid glued to your hip and have to think about him and his needs every waking moment.  I can't be carefree and just run to the store and wander around aimlessly because Sidekick is touching everything and wanting to go his own way in the store.  I can't go for a long run because I need to hire a babysitter and don't want to spend the money.  I can't just pick up and go somewhere without paying attention to how close it is to a meal, nap, bedtime, etc. 

Don't get me wrong... I love Sidekick more than anything in the world. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life.  He has filled a hole in my heart and has taught me so much about life. But, I need more.  So... for 2016, I'm going to try to change that. I'm going to try to do things that fulfill my life.  I'm going to be on the lookout for a great guy to join our great little family.  I'm going to find peace and happiness in everything around me. I'm going to get back to feeling like a whole person again who really does have a good life and not get wrapped up in the monotony of life. I'm going to start running again and hopefully train for another half marathon (then I stress about how I will get all the training in with Sidekick.) I don't like using the word "resolution" and I don't really like tacking the timing of these things to a new year.  For my situation, it just happened to be timely to a new year.  (If that makes sense.)

I just need to be reminded that during horrible temper tantrums, a dirty house, a stressful job, and everything else that we deal with on a daily basis, there really is more to all of that that can make me feel complete. Thankfully, a kiss out of the blue from Sidekick always brings a smile to my face.  It really is the little things, and I just need to get back to appreciating them while doing something along the way that makes me happy. 

Happy New Year, everyone!  May 2016 be everything that you are looking for.  What are some things that you will focus on in 2016? 

8 comments:

  1. Happy New Year to you and Sidekick. I love your blog and look forward to your posts! I truly hope you find what your looking for. I was a single mom for 3 years and I know all too well the loneliness and monotony you speak of and although I am married and have 2 kids now I can honestly say I feel lonely sometimes when it's just the kids and I or me at night if my husband is at work. That being said, I know I am a person that needs people around. I'm a teacher, I'm one of 4 siblings and I sign my kids up for every sport possible because I cannot be at home alone for too long because I go to a very dark place. This year I'm going to focus on losing weight...so cliche, but I am unhealthy at this point and will not live trapped in this fat suit any longer.

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    1. Thank you! I hope that you will be living in a skinny suit very soon! ;) I, too, should add that to my list. I just haven't found the time or energy to keep up with what used to be a very regimented running/workout schedule.

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  2. Happy New Year! Your post hit home for me! I could have wrote it. I think I need to work at dating again! I hope 2016 proves to be a better year!

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    1. I sure hope dating is successful for you! Here's to 2016!

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  3. I could have written this post myself. It's winter break right now, but Bean has been super sick the entire time and we have been trapped at home a ton. Bean is getting extra attention because he is sick so Eyes has been a nightmare with attention seeking and threenager going on. Had I known that you were in the same boat last night, I would have messaged you and we could have chatted! Sometimes I feel like I'm so focused on being a mom or a teacher that I have completely lost myself in there. I'm going to try and set aside more time to do my old hobbies....just as soon as I find time and energy.

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    1. Ahhh... misery loves company! I'm so glad I'm not alone. I would have chatted with you, but I was asleep pretty early on New Year's Eve. Ha! Livin' the dream! :)

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  4. Hi. I am sorry the holidays were hard for you. I was single until the age of 42 and I remember clearly those same sorts of feelings. I think it's great that you are going to focus on finding peace and happiness in the little things and are open to exploring other ways to meet people this year!

    I have a three year old son who sounds exactly like your little guy. Cute and adorable one minute and then the tantrums that make you want to scream. I live in St Louis and work full-time, but if you ever want to meet up with the kids, just let me know. We would love new friends. I am in the Ballwin area.

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    1. Hi, there! Thanks for writing. I'd love to connect with you. My email address is Purplechik30@yahoo.com. Please drop me a line.

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