Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Sidekick's Favorite Book

Sidekick has been obsessed with books every since I started reading to him when he was just an infant.  He can sit in someone's lap for an hour (if someone will let him) and read book after book after book with that person. I love how he responds to certain parts of a book:  "Oh no!"  "What happened?"  "What dat, Momma?"  School is teaching him to read, and he can point to words he knows and tell me what that word is.  It's pretty amazing! 

He goes through phases with a certain book that he must read every night before bed.  I try to deter him from a particular book after several days in a row because I'm so tired of reading it, but he usually won't let up.  His most recent favorite book, which he pulled off the shelf and I had never read to him before, is You are my Wish Come True by Marianne Richmond.  I absolutely love the book, so I'm happy to read it every single night.  It's such a sweet book and I find very appropriate for a SMC and her child.  It's a story about a Momma Bear having a conversation with her son, Barley, about how he was her wish come true.  One of my favorite parts:

"A long time ago, a wish started growing in my heart.  At first, it was a quiet wish that nobody knew.  Then it became an out-loud wish that grew and grew and grew.  Until one day my wish came true."

What SMC couldn't relate to that?  (or any Mom for that matter.)  It reminded me of the long thought process in my head while thinking about being a SMC, then talking to a few people about it, then announcing I was pregnant to the world.  What an incredible and really long journey I have had when it came to conceiving Sidekick.

"I had an empty place in my heart that I wanted to fill with love for a special child like you."

While the book takes a strange turn about their fur being different colors and it seems pretty random, I like everything else about it.  It's such a sweet book, and for whatever reason, it is Sidekick's favorite one for a week straight. Does he make a connection to the book like I do?  Who knows, but I love the fact that he loves it so much. 

To end out special bedtime routine, after I close the book, he turns to look at me, puts his hands together, and says in his sweet little voice, "Have to pray."  I love this kid so much. 

Three years and four days ago, I had my eighth IUI that resulted in Sidekick.  Don't ever give up hope. I finally got my wish come true. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014


Well, after 11 days, we finally ran into our neighbors/ex-friends tonight.  We were outside playing when E and T drove by.  She didn't even look at us.  Next thing I know, T is walking down to visit which was kind of awkward.  I'm surprised E let him come down.  I've explained to Sidekick that they are not our friends anymore, and he always says, "Momma sad."  So now WTF do I say to him? 

T came down alone, but I had a glimmer of hope that E might join him, but she didn't.  Of course not!  Sidekick normally hugs T and worships him, but tonight he didn't interact much with him.  Was Sidekick being loyal to his Momma?  To make T not feel awkward, I just asked him about school, basketball, Halloween, etc.  I miss that kid!  It made me sad because I wonder what he knows, and I feel like it puts him in an awkward position because unlike Sidekick, he can makes sense of things.  It's not fair to him.

After about 20 or so minutes, E went out to get the mail, and when T saw her, he yelled down asking if he needed to come home.  She yelled back that dinner was ready, so he left.  Sidekick didn't really care that he was leaving.  I was sad about this whole situation, but I think I was just plain pissed at how it played out. She couldn't even wave!  Nothing!  I just wanted to yell, "Grow the F up, E!"  (Gosh, I have been swearing a lot about this lately!)

When we came inside, I asked Sidekick if he played with T.  His response was, "Yes. Momma sad."  I was already so angry with E, especially since she cut off all ties with us and Sidekick was so close to them, but now she's messing with him again by bringing T back into his life.  I want to tell T that he can't play, but that's not fair to either of the boys because they've done nothing wrong.  I also feel like it's very immature of me to act that way, so I will suck it up and be an adult.  Maybe this is somehow is how our prayers are being answered????  Sidekick has mentioned them in his prayers every night.  Tonight he reminded me that we had forgotten to pray. With his hands folded together, he said, "Have to pray, Momma."  E, T, and D were at the top of his list. 

So... when I thought I was getting over this and feeling a bit better about the whole situation, tonight opened up some of the wounds again.  What a mess!  How do I protect Sidekick this time around???  How can she be such a cold hearted bitch when we used to be so close?!?!?

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Church and Prayers

I didn't go to church growing up, but I wish I did.  I started going to one years ago and was going regularly and then I stopped going (long story).  I decided that Sidekick and I should start going again.  He goes to Kids Ministry while I sit and listen to an awesome Pastor talk for an hour. It's about the only break I get outside of my home, so I enjoy the time spent there in quiet "solitude".

Now that he is two, they always do a little lesson about God.  After his first time there, our conversation on the way home went like this:

Me:  Did you like going to church?
Him:  Yes.
Me:  What did you learn about?
Him:  God (WOW!)
Me:  What about God?
Him:  God helps. (WOW!)

One hour later, he had learned a little lesson about God.  I was proud of him and decided that together we will learn about who this God is. 

Last night we went to church.  I was hoping I would find some kind of peace, hope, understanding, etc. about the situation with my friend, E.  Boy, did I luck out!  The whole talk was about confession (not in a Catholic kind of way).  We need to confess to one another when we do something wrong.  If we know someone is mad at or upset with us, we need to stop everything and go to that person.  (These were all in verses from the Bible.)  So... the entire time I was thinking about E!  Am I supposed to go to her even though she said not to?  Confusion.

This is a contemporary church, so sometimes the Pastor does really cool things.  Last night at the end of the service, we were able to take a piece of fabric, write whatever on it, and tie it to a structure.  I asked to help me find peace and understanding with this situation and say kind prayers for E. I tied it on the structure, and went to pick up Sidekick.  I was still a bit baffled by the verse about dropping everything and going to that person if we know that person is angry with us.  Do I know/think E is angry with me?  I have no idea! So... Sidekick and I went back into the auditorium to get some clarity. 

I was going to ask an Associate Pastor, but the lead Pastor was just standing there, so with Sidekick by my side, I briefly explained that E is depressed, she relied on me all the time but she ended our friendship out of the blue, and she doesn't want to speak with me, etc.  Am I to listen to her or go to her like the Bible verse explains?  His answer was you pray for her.  Hmmmmm.  But he followed up with not praying that a boulder falls on her head.  Haha!  He told me that is one of the hardest things to do, but it's what I have to do. I fought back tears and thanked him.  I've only wanted peace and happiness for her, and even though I've been sad for almost a week, I still pray for her.  Apparently it's all I can do.

So, last night I decided to talk to Sidekick about praying.  I explained that we pray to God when we need help, when we are sad, when we are happy, when we are grateful, or when we need to be watched over. I asked him who we are going to pray for, and here was our conversation:

Me:  Who should we pray for?
Him:  Momma, Sidekick, E...
Me:  Why E?
Him:  E makes Momma sad.  (Wow!) 
Me:  Anyone else?
Him:  Monsters, Inc!

And with that, I laughed out loud, and I needed that.  Here when I thought I was getting to him, and he adds Monsters, Inc. to the mix!  Nonetheless, I think we will pray together every night because it was a quiet, special time together.

So, today I am feeling more at peace and calmer with the situation. I don't know if time has helped or if Church helped, but either way, I feel less sad, and for that I am so grateful.  We've yet to officially run into them outside, and I hope that when we do, we can be civil, but then I fear Sidekick's confusion with the whole situation because I know he'll want to run and hug them.  In the meantime, I am just going to continue working through this until it no longer hurts. Ever. Again.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

"Momma sad."

I am shocked that Sidekick acknowledges that I am sad and allows me to be sad.  "Momma sad.  Momma not better."  He then says, "*Sidekick* not sad. *Sidekick* happy."

I'm still so upset about my friend/neighbor, E, ending our friendship so abruptly.  What sucks about being a mom (single or not) is that our responsibilities are still there every day.  I've hated waking up in the morning because for about seven hours, I am able to get away from my sadness.  As soon as I wake up, I need to face another day and take care of Sidekick and Dog when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide. I work out of my home and while I should be out meeting with customers, I'm not motivated to do that. Since I've been home a lot this week and work is slow, the days go by slowly, and I have too much time to think about things.  Ugh!

I find myself looking back at text messages trying to figure out what happened, and I can't put my finger on it.  I have done everything possible to help her and support her and have gone out of my way to do so.  This "break up" was a complete blindside which leaves me so baffled... not to mention extremely hurt.

Even though she told me not to email, text, call, I had to.  It wasn't fair to me and she was being selfish.  It was a mixture of sadness and anger and empathy.  I told her how much my heart hurts right now, and how I have never given so much to someone in my life.  I told her how I hated her for doing this to Sidekick because he became so close to them, and how I hated myself for encouraging him to trust them and love them and my inability to protect him.  She always said we were put in each others' lives for a reason, and that we are here to learn lessons from one another.  I told her that I learned to never give so much in a one sided relationship because it only hurts me in the end.  I told her that I will not beg her to be my friend, and if I see any of them, I will not be rude to them.  I was going to somehow take the high road.  I ended hoping that she finds peace and happiness and that is all I ever wanted for her.  I apologized for not being the friend she needed/wanted. 

What is strange is that about an hour later, she forwarded the email to me with no message.  Was that an accident?  Did she mean to forward it to someone else?  Or was my friend right when she said that she forwarded it to me as if it was a piece of physical mail, and she was "showing" me that she didn't actually read it?  That thought makes me so angry!  Who does that?  Why be so vindictive?

I realize that this friendship was so one sided, so I shouldn't be so upset about this.  I never relied on her like she relied on me.  I didn't share my deepest, darkest demons like she did with me. Yet I miss her so much.  I miss the ability to walk a few doors down and hang out with them.  It's been raining for a week, and today is the first sunny day. I wonder what will happen if they are outside also. I'm not one to be anxious, but right now, all I feel is anxiety at the strong possibility that we will all be outside at the same time.

I know that time heals all wounds, so I'm hoping that I will soon feel better and back to my normal self.  This is no way to feel day in and day out. I miss my friend so much, and I just don't understand how someone can just cut all ties with me after she would break down in front of me almost every day and tell me things that were sacred.  Who does that???  I'm trying to respect her request to not email (again), text, or call, but I feel like I deserve an explanation. 

I feel like a shitty Mom because this upsets me so much and Sidekick knows it.  I all of a sudden feel lonely again, and that is an awful feeling.  I am truly, deeply sad.  No matter how much I try to rationalize the situation, accept what happened, etc.  I can't.  It just hurts me to the core of my soul.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Breaking up is Hard to Do

I am sitting at my computer crying right now, and the only way to deal with this is to write about it.  I've previously written about my great neighbors/friends who have an eight year old boy, T.  I've written about how our families immediately bonded, how D (dad/husband) has stepped up to an amazing role model for Sidekick, and how our boys are like brothers.  What I failed to mention is how my relationship with E (mom/wife) evolved and was centered around E's life falling apart around her. We immediately connected and had this strong friendship from the beginning, primarily based on immense sadness in E's world which is definitely not the right way to begin a friendship.   

Our friendship has been a bit one sided from the standpoint that I was constantly there for her, helping her, listening to her, etc. and that was okay because that's what happens sometimes in relationships.  She is a complete mess. She's mentioned on several occasions that she is a "fucked up mess."  She lost her mom to cancer seven months ago, and E tested positive for the BRCA Gene. As a result, she had a double mastectomy a year or so ago and a hysterectomy at the end of August.  Needless to say, she has gone through a lot.  She has spent countless times literally sobbing in my arms-- me, someone she just became friends with in August.  She's always said that we must have known each other in our past lives because it's like we've known each other forever. She truly believes that, and I often wonder if something like that is possible.  We had this bond that I've never really had with someone and while things seemed a bit one sided most of the time, I learned things from her along the way.  I considered her a best friend and was so blessed to have all three of them in our lives.

Last night I got an email from her out of the blue telling me that she can no longer be friends with me because it was too intense and was interfering with her family and life.  She asked me to not text, call, or email her.  I re-read that paragraph over and over again in disbelief.  Here I was thinking to myself:
  • I gave her my car (I have two: one personal and one company) for almost a week. Hers was in the shop after she put her car in neutral (long story about that) and without her in it, it went down her driveway, crashed into her neighbor's mailbox, and started to go towards to woods until it finally stopped. By the way, I saw the whole thing from my driveway, and immediately went to her to hold her and help her calm down, followed by telling her son to go to my house and get in my car so I could take him to school (since E was so shaken up.)
  • Her son stayed with me while she was in the hospital during and after her hysterectomy.
  • I've picked her son up from school and brought him home when she and D couldn't get him. 
  • I have spent hours with her while she talks to me while sobbing about everything she is dealing with in her life while doing/saying what I could to help her through it.
  • We've had full blown text message conversations about what she's dealing with because I know she breaks down any at given point in the day.
  • I've sent her cards of encouragement or dropped off a little gift to give her hope.
  • I have done everything I could to be a good friend to her, support her, and care about her. 

So, seriously, WTF????!!!!  She's mentioned before that our friendship is intense.  I don't know what that means to her.  Is it the fact that she completely opens up to me and that makes her emotions raw again? Or it's because she is so close to me, and I know too much about her?  I don't know.  I'd probably agree that it's intense (again, I don't know why I would use that word), but I would never end a friendship and demand to have no more communication with her.  She's relied on me so much, so maybe that's not a good thing???  She's told me that I continuously rescue her and that I give her so much.  So, this just makes no sense to me.

I am truly devastated by this whole thing, and for some reason, I feel like a horrible friend, and that I did something wrong to be completely blocked from her life like I never existed. A little piece of my heart has been yanked out of me.  I don't know what this means for Sidekick, and for that I am so sad.  It's hard when a friendship ends, but it's harder when those people are your neighbors and paths cross often. I feel like our families have broken up, and Sidekick can no longer hang out with T and D.  How do I explain this to Sidekick?  How is she explaining it to her son?  Our families have opened our lives to each other, and the door has quickly shut. D will side with his wife, as he should, but so many of us suffer as a result. I love that family, but right now I hate her for messing with my son's life because he became so close to them. Mess with the Momma but don't mess with her baby!

Relationships can suck!  This is an example of why I am so worried about dating.  While I really want to be dating a guy, I don't want Sidekick to bond with him only for that man to leave.  It's not fair to him.   I encouraged Sidekick to love them, trust them, and learn that there are other people besides myself whom he can count on.  All of that has been ripped away from him, and I hate her for doing that to him, and I hate myself for not protecting him better. Things are going to be awkward in our neighborhood and the thought just devastates me.

Right now I want to send her a text and write, "Fuck you!"  But that will accomplish nothing, and she made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.  It's just so unfair and hurts so damn much.  I'm just so, so sad right now.

I've always liked the poem below.  I've always felt like she and I would not be friends for a lifetime because our friendship is just so different.  I just never imagined things would end this way and so soon:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Donor Sperm Mix-up Lawsuit

I'm sure that most SMC (and most everyone else in the world!) have read or heard about the lesbian couple who chose/ordered white donor sperm and instead got sperm from an African American donor.  They are now suing the sperm bank.  Since I've always been open about being a SMC, sperm donation, etc., friends/family have asked me about my feelings/thoughts on it since I am the only person they know who has used a Donor. Without really siding with or against the couple, I do have some thoughts...

First and foremost, I have always believed that we get the baby we are meant to have.  It took me eight IUIs until I finally got pregnant with Sidekick.  Donor #1 ran out of sperm which devastated me, so I had to switch Donors in the middle of my tries.  Apparently, Donor #2 was meant to be my baby's Donor, not Donor #1.  I truly believe that.

It took me countless hours choosing a Donor.  There were characteristics I was looking for in a Donor, certain diseases/illnesses I immediately eliminated, personality traits I was trying to decipher on paper, etc.  More than anything, if sperm was mixed up, I would be worried about health issues (I eliminated any cancer in Donor's family because cancer runs in my family), but at the same time, there are such strict "regulations" and Donors are not "accepted" if they have any of a long list of illnesses.  So, I  would have to rest assure that the Donor probably has a somewhat clean bill of health and hope that there was no cancer in his family. 

I was terrified the entire time I was pregnant (and even trying to get pregnant) that the sperm would get mixed up.  Terrified!  Why?  I have no idea!  But after a traumatic labor and delivery, Sidekick looked very much like an African American baby when I finally pushed him out... even my mom and best friend who were in the delivery room thought so.  I guess I was exhausted after 23 1/2 hours of labor and 2 1/2 hours of pushing and feeling confused because I was looking for a pretty pink baby... which Sidekick was not even close to being!  He quickly turned to a more healthy color (less blue/purple), and I could see that he was in fact a white baby.  But, for a brief moment I wondered did the sperm get mixed up?

If I received a letter in the mail today or two years from now that the sperm got mixed up, would I care?  Honestly, probably not.  And who I am to say that the sperm didn't get mixed up?!  I have no way of knowing because I have a child that is 100% white.  Maybe the Donor I chose, is not really the Donor I got. The truth of the matter is, I don't really care because I got the baby I am mean to have.

Do I fault the couple for suing the sperm bank?  No. Would I sue?  Probably not.  I have a healthy, happy baby, and I wouldn't have Sidekick if I didn't get the sperm that made him.  I'd have an entirely different baby.  They have a bit of a unique situation in that they ended up with a 50% African American baby, so that puts a different twist on the story, BUT again, there are no guarantees that any of us got the sperm we think we ordered.  We just have to trust.

It's a messy situation, and I feel badly that they didn't get the sperm they thought they were getting.  I don't doubt that they love their beautiful daughter any less.  I do wonder how money really changes what happened.  But, who I am to judge?  Who are any of us to judge?