Thursday, October 16, 2014

"Momma sad."

I am shocked that Sidekick acknowledges that I am sad and allows me to be sad.  "Momma sad.  Momma not better."  He then says, "*Sidekick* not sad. *Sidekick* happy."

I'm still so upset about my friend/neighbor, E, ending our friendship so abruptly.  What sucks about being a mom (single or not) is that our responsibilities are still there every day.  I've hated waking up in the morning because for about seven hours, I am able to get away from my sadness.  As soon as I wake up, I need to face another day and take care of Sidekick and Dog when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide. I work out of my home and while I should be out meeting with customers, I'm not motivated to do that. Since I've been home a lot this week and work is slow, the days go by slowly, and I have too much time to think about things.  Ugh!

I find myself looking back at text messages trying to figure out what happened, and I can't put my finger on it.  I have done everything possible to help her and support her and have gone out of my way to do so.  This "break up" was a complete blindside which leaves me so baffled... not to mention extremely hurt.

Even though she told me not to email, text, call, I had to.  It wasn't fair to me and she was being selfish.  It was a mixture of sadness and anger and empathy.  I told her how much my heart hurts right now, and how I have never given so much to someone in my life.  I told her how I hated her for doing this to Sidekick because he became so close to them, and how I hated myself for encouraging him to trust them and love them and my inability to protect him.  She always said we were put in each others' lives for a reason, and that we are here to learn lessons from one another.  I told her that I learned to never give so much in a one sided relationship because it only hurts me in the end.  I told her that I will not beg her to be my friend, and if I see any of them, I will not be rude to them.  I was going to somehow take the high road.  I ended hoping that she finds peace and happiness and that is all I ever wanted for her.  I apologized for not being the friend she needed/wanted. 

What is strange is that about an hour later, she forwarded the email to me with no message.  Was that an accident?  Did she mean to forward it to someone else?  Or was my friend right when she said that she forwarded it to me as if it was a piece of physical mail, and she was "showing" me that she didn't actually read it?  That thought makes me so angry!  Who does that?  Why be so vindictive?

I realize that this friendship was so one sided, so I shouldn't be so upset about this.  I never relied on her like she relied on me.  I didn't share my deepest, darkest demons like she did with me. Yet I miss her so much.  I miss the ability to walk a few doors down and hang out with them.  It's been raining for a week, and today is the first sunny day. I wonder what will happen if they are outside also. I'm not one to be anxious, but right now, all I feel is anxiety at the strong possibility that we will all be outside at the same time.

I know that time heals all wounds, so I'm hoping that I will soon feel better and back to my normal self.  This is no way to feel day in and day out. I miss my friend so much, and I just don't understand how someone can just cut all ties with me after she would break down in front of me almost every day and tell me things that were sacred.  Who does that???  I'm trying to respect her request to not email (again), text, or call, but I feel like I deserve an explanation. 

I feel like a shitty Mom because this upsets me so much and Sidekick knows it.  I all of a sudden feel lonely again, and that is an awful feeling.  I am truly, deeply sad.  No matter how much I try to rationalize the situation, accept what happened, etc.  I can't.  It just hurts me to the core of my soul.


  1. I don't think it makes you a bad mom at all. It is healthy for kids to see a variety of emotions. If we are happy all.the.time, then our kids will learn to put on a happy face even during times when they are upset. It wouldn't be real or healthy for any of us. There is nothing wrong with being your authentic self. Of course, that said, if you are still feeling the same way after a certain amount of time, then it would probably not be healthy....but for now, grieve.

  2. Allow yourself to be sad...this too shall pass. I HAD THE EXACT FEELINGS when a close friend/2-doors down neighbour turned on me. It was hard and I hurt like hell. The universe/God will bring someone/something better for you in her stead.
    Sending you love and warm hugs,