Monday, May 25, 2015

"You have tears, Momma?"

That's what my sweet boy asked me when he looked at me at the dinner table and tears were streaming down my face...

Was it the article about how horrible it is to send your newborn to the nursery at night that triggered it?  Yes, I did that.  I had a 23 1/2 hour labor with 2 1/2 hours of pushing, and I was exhausted.  Since I am a SMC, I felt like I needed some rest since I had been awake for over 36 hours by the time Sidekick was born and knew when I got home I was flying completely solo.  Also, I could barely walk from all the stitches I had "down there", so I would have needed help from the nurse to get up to even get him. (Holy crap!  I had no idea how much it would hurt "down there".  Seriously.)  So what if I sent him to the nursery for two hours at a time?  He was still brought to me like clockwork to nurse.  But now I feel like a bad mom for doing that. 

Was it that fact that my friend's son's birthday is coming up, and he would have been five years old?  Her son died during surgery almost two years ago when an anesthesiologist made a big mistake.  That anniversary is also coming up in a couple of months. I cannot even imagine.  The thought just makes me so sad. My friend is really struggling with this, is very sad, and is ignoring all of my texts. I met her after her son died, and while she's told me that it's hard to talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable because it's just so sad, I've told her maybe it's easier to talk to someone (me) that didn't know her son and is more detached from the whole situation than others might be. I haven't heard back from her in four days. I feel so damn helpless.

Or is that I just love my little guy so much and can't believe I'm only going to experience all of the "firsts" just one time.  The days are flying by, and I just want to make time stop.  Seriously, slow the F down so I can have my little boy a little longer.

During my episode of tears, Sidekick looked at me, grabbed my hand and said, "Don't cry, Momma. I will take care of you."  And I cried even more.

Sidekick is totally back on track after the last time I posted about a horrible week we had.  He's back to his awesome self!  He's happy, compliant, and a joy to be around.  Thank God that these horrible spurts are far and few between, and in the grand scheme of things they are short lived. 

We've been talking about moving him to a big boy bed.  He's still in a crib, and I just don't want to move him.  He's a great sleeper, and I fear that'll change, and well, he's my baby, so it's hard.  It's the last baby thing to go, and I struggle with it.  So, we been shopping around for a full size mattress, and I think I'm going to order one tomorrow.  I'm going to take a Stay-cation in a few weeks, so I thought that would be a good time to do the transition.  Last night he asked if he could go to sleep in my bed, so I thought I'd give it a shot.  He quietly laid there while I was downstairs cleaning up, and each time I checked on him, he just smiled at me.  He did eventually fall asleep, and I moved him to his crib before I went to bed.  Such a big boy. 

He's so independent, and he just seems to need me less and less.  Unfortunately,  his independence leads to stubbornness because he wants/needs to do everything himself.  That causes some friction between us.  He clears the table and unloads the dishwasher.  He puts his clothes in the laundry basket, helps me load the washing machine and dryer, and puts his underwear and socks away when I fold them.  He's a big boy... almost three.  THREE!  Seriously, where has the time gone???

Friday, May 15, 2015

Playing the Single Mom Card

I don't think I have ever really played the Single Mom card.  I don't think I've ever played the "woe is me" game.  When times get tough with Sidekick, I plow through because that's the only choice I have. But right now, I wish I had another option. 

After this week, I am playing the Single Mom card.  I. Need. An. F'n break from this kid!  He is pushing every f'n button available. He found them all. And he found some that I never knew I had. I have breezed through the first two years and ten months of his life, but that has come to a screeching halt.  For whatever reason, as he is approaching three, I can't seem to get a grip. When he is being a shit, I can't keep my shit together.  I've been warned that three sucks, and those people are right.

I find myself yelling at him and getting more frustrated than ever.  I wonder if he thinks I suck at being a Mom. I think he hates me, but thankfully he always tells me he loves me at the most needed times. I have fought him every morning this week from the minute I get him out of jail (his crib).  He fights me on going potty and then getting dressed.  He then gets pissed that I have made his breakfast (something I've always done before he wakes up), and that turns into a melt down. A melt down turns into a time out.  A timeout turns into both of us yelling. Okay, me more than him, but he has definitely learned how to yell (and, by the way, try to hit me). 

Maybe I should feel relieved that he's been a real PITA at school this week as well, not just with me.  The director has tried to make me feel better by explaining that he's three and he's smart, so he is testing everyone while trying to be independent.  I still don't feel better.  I'm still not his #1 fan this week.

Apparently his ears are broken because he doesn't seem to be hearing me lately.  When he knows I'm getting angry because he's not doing what I asked him to do, he runs to me with open arms saying, "I'm tho thorry, Momma."  If only that fixed everything. 

So, I need a break.  I don't have family in the same state, and for one of the few times Sidekick has been alive, I wish I did.  I want to turn him over to someone and walk away, just for a couple of hours... or a day. I'm not picky.  I don't want to feed my kid meals, wipe his butt, and deal with his temper tantrums at the moment.  I dreaded picking him up from school today because I am now stuck with him until Monday morning on a weekend predicted to have constant rain. 

You know what?  Being a single mom can really suck!  Being a single mom is hard work!  Being a single mom is exhausting!  I feel it right now, and I don't feel it often, but when I do, it's really bad. Regardless of how hands-on a husband may or may not be, I could at least walk away when my kid was sleeping and slowly roam the aisles of Target in peace and quiet because someone was home with him. As a single mom, I don't have that luxury. 

Here's hoping my child is still alive on Monday.  Here's hoping I haven't lost my mind by Monday.

Thanks for listening to me bitch (and ignoring all of my swear words.)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

First Trip to the ER and Mother's Day

Which to start with first???  Well, I'll take it in order, which means I'll write about Sidekick's first trip to the ER. Before I begin, he's fine. He's been mentioning that he tummy hurts for about two weeks.  He's been acting totally fine and eating great so I blew it off.  At his Mother's Day party at school, he kept mentioning it, and would double over for a bit.  I asked him if he had to go potty, and he pooped a little.  I had thought that he was constipated, so we continued our evening with friends at the children's museum.  Off and on, he would double over, cry, and tell me he tummy hurt.  I kept taking him to the bathroom, but he just wouldn't poop. As quickly as he would double over in pain, he would rally again.  The entire time, he was pale and clammy, and he finally asked to go home (not normal).  My friend told me he was definitely not his normal self and that he just looked miserable.
We got home and he was crying in pain, I decided to call the after hours line at his doctor's office.  I was told to go to the ER immediately because his symptoms were pretty indicative of a pretty serious problem.  We hopped in the car at about 7:30 and he fell asleep... I think because he was so exhausted from being in pain.  When we got there, he seemed better (of course!).  He was enthralled with the whole ER experience.  The nurse, xray tech, and doctor were great, and he loved them all.  In the end, he was just constipated like I had assumed (even though he was pooping) and had some gas bubbles floating around his intestines.  My kid shows no pain... he's never had a problem with teething (I never actually knew he was getting teeth until they were in), he's had several double ear infections while acting totally fine, and has fallen on his forehead more times than I can count on two hand resulting in massive goose eggs... none of which has really fazed him.  So, when this happened, I knew he was hurting.  After he checked out okay with nothing major, he got his first popsicle and kept telling me that the hospital is not a scary place.  I was so proud of his courage and ability to just go with the flow.  He's now drinking Miralax, and it's helping a little bit.  The last time he's told me his stomach hurt was this morning, so that's progress!
Mother's Day... since I am a SMC, I have to make our own plans.  I'm sick of women bitching on FB about how much their husbands suck on Mother's Day.  I just want to tell them to quit their whining and be grateful they have a husband who contributes one way or the other to their family.  I decided that we were going to have a special day and break all rules...
I had to wake Sidekick up at 8:15, which was great.  I took him to his first movie, and he was awe at the size of the screen.  We then went to get flowers, herbs, and tomatoes to plant.  I decided on the way home that we were going to blow off nap (a very, very rare occurrence) and have fun all day.  We planted everything, had a water fight, took a bath, played superhero (new idea of his as of today), went to get ice-cream 30 minutes BEFORE dinner, had dinner, watched a 30 minute show, and he was in bed at 7:00.  It was a wonderful day. 
When we were having breakfast this morning he said, "It's all about the bass AND Momma and... Sidekick".  I just loved him so much at that moment because the day was really about us (and apparently the Bass-- haha!), not just me because without him, this day wouldn't be a day for me to celebrate.
When I laid him in his crib tonight, he said to me, "Momma, you did a great job reading my books.  I adore you, and I will always keep you safe."  Could that kid have said anything better to me on Mother's Day?  Seriously, this boy is amazing.  I hope you all enjoyed your Mother's Day as much as I did. I never thought it would be as awesome and special as it was.  I don't care how dirty my house is, how I have no groceries, or how I didn't get all of the laundry done. It may have been one of the best days we've had in a long time. 

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Running into the Neighbor's Son

Now that it's super warm outside, Sidekick and I go outside as often as possible.  Our evenings involve coming home from school, playing outside, eating dinner, playing outside for a few more minutes, bath and bed.  Time flies when you're having fun!

We were in the cul-da-sac last night playing with a Frisbee. Crazy neighbor's son came out to the get mail and was so excited to see Sidekick.  He immediately ran towards him and yelled, "Sidekick, I haven't seen you in so long!!!"  So I replied with "Well, if your mom wasn't such a f'n lunatic, you would have seen us all the time like you used to."  Okay... so I didn't really say that, but I sure wanted to yell that loudly enough for his mom to hear. 

Anyway, Sidekick was so excited to see him and together they ran around so happy throwing and chasing a Frisbee.  It's strange to see Sidekick interacting differently than he did seven months ago (yes, it's been that long).  He's just so much older.  Less toddler, more preschooler.  He played so well last summer/fall, but he now just seems bigger, more independent and confident, and stronger. It was also the first time since my neighbor-friend turned into a freak and cut all ties with us that Sidekick didn't ignore her son or hide behind me whenever he saw the boy.  Sidekick was so happy to have his "best friend" back in his life.  <sigh>

In a strange way, I felt sad.  Sad that Sidekick lost a good friend. Sad that I invested so much time and energy with this crazy woman and our friendship ended so abruptly and out of the blue.  Sad that I allowed Sidekick to get close to this family. But I guess that's just life.

I have to remind myself that since they are moving (hopefully soon!), they will be out of our lives forever, and I no longer have to worry about running into them. I won't have to be sad anymore about the situation.  I don't miss my neighbor-"friend" anymore, and I haven't for a long time.  I just hate them being several doors down from us.  I'm ready for this chapter to end.  I don't want Sidekick's emotions to be messed with as this boy enters his life off and on.  If this is what it's going to be like with this boy spending time with Sidekick off and on until they move, it's going to be pretty uncomfortable and pretty awful... especially since his parents will never show their faces.  Why do they let their son play with Sidekick???? 

Please say a prayer to the real estate Gods that a great family moves into their house soon.  Very soon.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Oh, Happy Day!

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while know about my crazy neighbor-friend, and how she cut off all ties out of the blue back in October.  Sidekick and I ran a bunch of errands today and came home to find a "For Sale" sign in their yard.  I have been hoping this day would come.  I knew they were thinking about moving last fall, and I was devastated because our families became so close so quickly.  But now, I don't think I could actually put into words how elated I am!!!!!  We play in the cul-da-sac which is where their house is, and I'm always worried about running into them. Now I know that I won't have to worry much longer, and we can be comfortable in our neighborhood once again. It'll be an even happier day when I see their moving van pull away.  Yipppee!!!  Here's hoping a great new family moves in and that the house isn't cursed somehow and turns normal people into crazy ones. 

Aside from that, we had a good weekend.  We went to an event called Tons of Transportation where Sidekick got to sit in a school bus, ambulance, fire truck, crane, etc.  It was a little boy's dream come true. I am amazed at his independence, and how he doesn't seem to need me much.  He's so confident and just walks around like he is 15 and never looks back.  It just tugs at my heartstrings knowing how fast time goes. Make time stop.  Really.  Please do.  How much longer will he like people dressed up as characters?  He's watched Sesame Street a handful of times, but the excitement in his eyes when he saw Ahker the Gwouch was so great to see!

A good weekend turned into an amazing weekend with the (hopefully) soon to be departure of a family down the street.