Monday, May 25, 2015

"You have tears, Momma?"

That's what my sweet boy asked me when he looked at me at the dinner table and tears were streaming down my face...

Was it the article about how horrible it is to send your newborn to the nursery at night that triggered it?  Yes, I did that.  I had a 23 1/2 hour labor with 2 1/2 hours of pushing, and I was exhausted.  Since I am a SMC, I felt like I needed some rest since I had been awake for over 36 hours by the time Sidekick was born and knew when I got home I was flying completely solo.  Also, I could barely walk from all the stitches I had "down there", so I would have needed help from the nurse to get up to even get him. (Holy crap!  I had no idea how much it would hurt "down there".  Seriously.)  So what if I sent him to the nursery for two hours at a time?  He was still brought to me like clockwork to nurse.  But now I feel like a bad mom for doing that. 

Was it that fact that my friend's son's birthday is coming up, and he would have been five years old?  Her son died during surgery almost two years ago when an anesthesiologist made a big mistake.  That anniversary is also coming up in a couple of months. I cannot even imagine.  The thought just makes me so sad. My friend is really struggling with this, is very sad, and is ignoring all of my texts. I met her after her son died, and while she's told me that it's hard to talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable because it's just so sad, I've told her maybe it's easier to talk to someone (me) that didn't know her son and is more detached from the whole situation than others might be. I haven't heard back from her in four days. I feel so damn helpless.

Or is that I just love my little guy so much and can't believe I'm only going to experience all of the "firsts" just one time.  The days are flying by, and I just want to make time stop.  Seriously, slow the F down so I can have my little boy a little longer.

During my episode of tears, Sidekick looked at me, grabbed my hand and said, "Don't cry, Momma. I will take care of you."  And I cried even more.

Sidekick is totally back on track after the last time I posted about a horrible week we had.  He's back to his awesome self!  He's happy, compliant, and a joy to be around.  Thank God that these horrible spurts are far and few between, and in the grand scheme of things they are short lived. 

We've been talking about moving him to a big boy bed.  He's still in a crib, and I just don't want to move him.  He's a great sleeper, and I fear that'll change, and well, he's my baby, so it's hard.  It's the last baby thing to go, and I struggle with it.  So, we been shopping around for a full size mattress, and I think I'm going to order one tomorrow.  I'm going to take a Stay-cation in a few weeks, so I thought that would be a good time to do the transition.  Last night he asked if he could go to sleep in my bed, so I thought I'd give it a shot.  He quietly laid there while I was downstairs cleaning up, and each time I checked on him, he just smiled at me.  He did eventually fall asleep, and I moved him to his crib before I went to bed.  Such a big boy. 

He's so independent, and he just seems to need me less and less.  Unfortunately,  his independence leads to stubbornness because he wants/needs to do everything himself.  That causes some friction between us.  He clears the table and unloads the dishwasher.  He puts his clothes in the laundry basket, helps me load the washing machine and dryer, and puts his underwear and socks away when I fold them.  He's a big boy... almost three.  THREE!  Seriously, where has the time gone???


  1. I get it, totally and completely get it. Tonight we were watching cartoons for a few minutes. At one point I realized I was just sitting there, with him in my lap, and watching him watch cartoons. He looked up at me, smiled and told me to watch cartoons....but I just couldn't stop looking at the details of his almost three year old is changing so quickly it seems.

  2. What a sweet, sweet boy. Let him be independent. He'll still always need his mom.