Monday, October 13, 2014

Breaking up is Hard to Do

I am sitting at my computer crying right now, and the only way to deal with this is to write about it.  I've previously written about my great neighbors/friends who have an eight year old boy, T.  I've written about how our families immediately bonded, how D (dad/husband) has stepped up to an amazing role model for Sidekick, and how our boys are like brothers.  What I failed to mention is how my relationship with E (mom/wife) evolved and was centered around E's life falling apart around her. We immediately connected and had this strong friendship from the beginning, primarily based on immense sadness in E's world which is definitely not the right way to begin a friendship.   

Our friendship has been a bit one sided from the standpoint that I was constantly there for her, helping her, listening to her, etc. and that was okay because that's what happens sometimes in relationships.  She is a complete mess. She's mentioned on several occasions that she is a "fucked up mess."  She lost her mom to cancer seven months ago, and E tested positive for the BRCA Gene. As a result, she had a double mastectomy a year or so ago and a hysterectomy at the end of August.  Needless to say, she has gone through a lot.  She has spent countless times literally sobbing in my arms-- me, someone she just became friends with in August.  She's always said that we must have known each other in our past lives because it's like we've known each other forever. She truly believes that, and I often wonder if something like that is possible.  We had this bond that I've never really had with someone and while things seemed a bit one sided most of the time, I learned things from her along the way.  I considered her a best friend and was so blessed to have all three of them in our lives.

Last night I got an email from her out of the blue telling me that she can no longer be friends with me because it was too intense and was interfering with her family and life.  She asked me to not text, call, or email her.  I re-read that paragraph over and over again in disbelief.  Here I was thinking to myself:
  • I gave her my car (I have two: one personal and one company) for almost a week. Hers was in the shop after she put her car in neutral (long story about that) and without her in it, it went down her driveway, crashed into her neighbor's mailbox, and started to go towards to woods until it finally stopped. By the way, I saw the whole thing from my driveway, and immediately went to her to hold her and help her calm down, followed by telling her son to go to my house and get in my car so I could take him to school (since E was so shaken up.)
  • Her son stayed with me while she was in the hospital during and after her hysterectomy.
  • I've picked her son up from school and brought him home when she and D couldn't get him. 
  • I have spent hours with her while she talks to me while sobbing about everything she is dealing with in her life while doing/saying what I could to help her through it.
  • We've had full blown text message conversations about what she's dealing with because I know she breaks down any at given point in the day.
  • I've sent her cards of encouragement or dropped off a little gift to give her hope.
  • I have done everything I could to be a good friend to her, support her, and care about her. 

So, seriously, WTF????!!!!  She's mentioned before that our friendship is intense.  I don't know what that means to her.  Is it the fact that she completely opens up to me and that makes her emotions raw again? Or it's because she is so close to me, and I know too much about her?  I don't know.  I'd probably agree that it's intense (again, I don't know why I would use that word), but I would never end a friendship and demand to have no more communication with her.  She's relied on me so much, so maybe that's not a good thing???  She's told me that I continuously rescue her and that I give her so much.  So, this just makes no sense to me.

I am truly devastated by this whole thing, and for some reason, I feel like a horrible friend, and that I did something wrong to be completely blocked from her life like I never existed. A little piece of my heart has been yanked out of me.  I don't know what this means for Sidekick, and for that I am so sad.  It's hard when a friendship ends, but it's harder when those people are your neighbors and paths cross often. I feel like our families have broken up, and Sidekick can no longer hang out with T and D.  How do I explain this to Sidekick?  How is she explaining it to her son?  Our families have opened our lives to each other, and the door has quickly shut. D will side with his wife, as he should, but so many of us suffer as a result. I love that family, but right now I hate her for messing with my son's life because he became so close to them. Mess with the Momma but don't mess with her baby!

Relationships can suck!  This is an example of why I am so worried about dating.  While I really want to be dating a guy, I don't want Sidekick to bond with him only for that man to leave.  It's not fair to him.   I encouraged Sidekick to love them, trust them, and learn that there are other people besides myself whom he can count on.  All of that has been ripped away from him, and I hate her for doing that to him, and I hate myself for not protecting him better. Things are going to be awkward in our neighborhood and the thought just devastates me.

Right now I want to send her a text and write, "Fuck you!"  But that will accomplish nothing, and she made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.  It's just so unfair and hurts so damn much.  I'm just so, so sad right now.

I've always liked the poem below.  I've always felt like she and I would not be friends for a lifetime because our friendship is just so different.  I just never imagined things would end this way and so soon:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown


  1. While she has gone through a hard time lately, the fact that she seems to be breaking down and crying so often has me a bit concerned that maybe she is also dealing with some mental health issues. Someone once told me to not expect rational behavior from an irrational person. I've had to keep this in mind recently with a friend dealing with depression...she sometimes avoids me and won't even make eye contact. At first I took it personally, but soon realized it is because she is so sad and she knows that I can always see it in he face. Some people just really struggle with dealing with those emotions, and avoid people that they feel obligated to be honest around. Also, the fact that she sent you this email in the middle of the night seems a bit odd too. I hope things work out and she decides to go ahead and talk to you to clear things up. Sending hugs.

  2. Ali is right... sometimes people avoid those whom they feel most comfortable being honest around. I had a close friend of some years out of the blue stop contacting me after a year of cancelling plans with me at the last minute. She told a mutual friend that I bring her down... like you I looked back and saw myself supporting her as well as having a whole lot of fun too!

    Maybe your friend has mental issues, maybe she's scared her husband will become attracted to you - a stronger, in her eyes more balanced woman. Who knows. All I do know is that you have to ride it out and not blame yourself. People are strange and she sounds like a seasonal friend for sure. This too will pass and work itself out in a way that it has to with her living so close and all.

    Sending you understanding thoughts.

  3. I'm so sorry to hear this. I could have written this same story. I had a similar situation with a neighbour who became like a sister. Like you, I showed up for her in many ways and eventually she suddenly chose to end our friendship by first disappearing, then sending a nasty email. I was SO hurt but had to remember that she was there for a reason and a season just as the poem mentions above.

  4. (Sorry, technical issues so I posted prematurely). I take pride in having handled the situation with grace both in my email reply to her and when we spoke in person. Try to take comfort in your boldly, lovingly sharing yourself with another. She is troubled and hurt people hurt other people.

    Praying that God replaces her with that which is better,

  5. Also, I feel for you. I'm sorry hun. Hugs to you! If someone cuts you out like that without talking about it and trying to work it out, then they are not safe. A safe person is someone who listens to you also, communicates when you guys have issues and talks things out, and acts like an adult. She isn't a safe person and I am sorry about your worries for your son. Take care :)