Chaos

In the midst of complete chaos in my life, last month a fellow SMC friend asked me and Sidekick to join her and her son in Disney World next month.  It's a trip I've wanted to take and if Sidekick goes to kindergarten this year instead of holding him back, our time to do this without working around a school calendar is now!  Plus, I think it'll be more fun for the boys to have a buddy to hang with and for the moms to keep each other going when we want to kill our sons.  Ha!  This SMC and I met on some SMC chat board, but I can't even remember which one.  We live in different states, so we've really only gotten together two times since our boys were born.  It'll be a little strange since we are more acquaintances than friends, but regardless, the whole trip will be more fun (and less lonely)with someone else.  This is the most UN-relaxing vacation I will have ever taken!  Everything is scheduled:  Fast passes, character meals, and plain old sit down meals. I'm going to need a vacation when I get back from my vacation.

Back to the chaos... I ended my 2016 sales year with a bang.  At the 11th hour, I brought in an unheard of $2M sale. It put me over my sales goal, one that was really unattainable when it was handed to me in January of 2016.  A $2M account has never happened to me in the almost 14 years I've been doing this, and it'll never happen again. Usually around the holidays, work is slow and I get some downtime.  It's nice.  It gives me time to recuperate.  It gives me time to just build up for the next sales year.  I didn't get that downtime, and I was immediately thrown into a new sales year that is already out of control and it's only January.

Did I mention my vacation next month?  So whoever decided that February would be a great time to go on vacation clearly didn't know what early 2017 had in store for her.  I have a total of $3M in various accounts being decided by mid-March.  So, let's throw a week's vacation during a horrible time careerwise right at the time when decisions will start to be made. I've already had two requests for a sales presentation during my vacation, and the sales presentations will have to be entrusted to someone else because I can't be there.  Shit! 

So the next six weeks are complete chaos!  I had super early appointments and longer than normal work days this week. Sidekick's schedule was definitely thrown off as he was going to school about 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal, and he made it a point to tell me every morning that the moon was still up when we pulled out of the driveway.  I am very thankful that he just goes with the flow and knows when he Momma is working extra hard to "get the big dollars" (love him).  Nonetheless, I feel the stress more than normal.  And to top it all off, he was a complete asshole at school this week. He slapped a kid, hit a kit, and hit a teacher.  He spend three nights in a row writing apology notes and drawing pictures.  Sidekick is not a hitter (and never has been), so I have no idea what is up with him this week!  I don't want to make our busy, insane week an excuse, but I sure am hoping that we'll get back to normal next week. 

I think I may have written about my friend/colleague and the fact that I "ended" our friendship in December because she wasn't there for me when I needed her despite the fact that I was always there for her for everything.  For some reason, I struggled with this day after day because I missed her.  I didn't want to be friends with her because I didn't know how/if I could trust her, but at the same time, I wanted to be friends with her. So amongst the chaos in my life, I was realizing how much what happened to our friendship was bringing me down in my already feeling down world.  We had a long talk last week. I'm not sure if she can and will be the friend that I need and can be to her, but as I have talked to her about people in my life being in "buckets", she may need to be in a different bucket than I thought she could/would be in. 

Buckets?  What do I mean by that?  Everyone in my life has a purpose: the ones I can talk to about personal things, the ones who have been around forever and know me like no one else, the ones who are my friends because Sidekick is friends with their kids, the ones who are colleagues, the ones who are colleagues and a friend, etc. Each person kind of has a role in my life and I know what to expect from each of them and who I can go to for what.  And people can move into different buckets as relationships change for the better or worse.  Now, that may sound trite or crazy, but it helps me know where everyone fits.

Back to my friend... she's the kind of person who will have what I call "diarrhea of the mouth".  She has the amazing ability to just open up, be vulnerable, and tell me whatever she needs/wants to about what is troubling her.  I am truly amazed by her special power and wish I could be a fraction of that, but for whatever reason, I'm just not. This blog tends to be my outlet since my readers are a bunch of people who don't know me, and I don't care what I write/say.  And after we hashed things out (I think) and decided that we did in fact what to be friends (I think), I had "diarrhea of the mouth" and for the first time since I've been in a bad place the past few months, I opened up to someone (her) and told her I just can't keep going.  I can't keep my head above water.  I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning because that means I have to face another day. I can't be the Momma Sidekick deserves.  l actually hate being a mom right now (even though I love Sidekick so much).  What's scary is that I don't know why.  There's so much stress and chaos in my life right now, and I've usually been able to not let it completely ruin me, but I think I am in so deep that I can't get out. 

She really encouraged me to meet/talk with my doctor and talk about possibly taking meds. I struggle with that suggestion.  While I think she is probably right, I can't get past the fact that in my head, resorting to meds makes me weak, incompetent, etc. That means I'm a failure.  Truthfully, I can't function. I have zero balance in my life. I keep thinking that my body will somehow "reset" itself, but I think it's not going to happen that easily especially since I cried while reading "A Fish out of Water" to Sidekick last night.  The book is obviously not sad, but I think after hearing that he was so horrible at school from his teacher who took him home because I couldn't pick him up in time, I just hit that proverbial wall.  I felt like a failure of a Mom who is incapable of raising a well natured child which literally brought me to tears. 

So here we are on a Friday, and I have a weekend ahead of us. It's a weekend where I'd prefer to not be an adult (or at least one without responsibilities) and just watch TV and read a book all weekend.  I am hoping that Sidekick has better behavior this weekend than he has all week because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to handle my kid being a complete asshole.  Right now, I'm just needing to take one hour at a time because that seems to be about all I can handle at the moment.  Hopefully we'll come out on the other side feeling like we are back on track.