Open the Floodgates and Let the Universe do it's Job

I'm typically a person who doesn't let others see me cry.  I'm typically a person who is not open with her feelings.  I'm typically a person who keeps things bottled up instead of talk about them. Today was not the case!  My friend had gotten me a gift certificate for a reading followed by some self growth discussion.  I had no idea what to expect, but I went in with an open mind.  I had to fill out a brief sheet with information and the last question was focusing on things that I would like to work on for self growth (or something like that).  I sat there for a few minutes thinking, and thinking, and thinking and came up with two things:

1.  Be open to love in order to find a great man
2.  Be happy and at peace with the present

Hell if I knew what I wanted to accomplish! I had no idea what this hour would look like!

Anyway, she immediately asked about point number one which took me back 12 years to the man I thought I was going to marry. The man for whom I moved to a different state. The man that I loved with all my heart.  About two minutes in, I started crying!  Me!  Wth?!?  I don't know if I am still so sad about that OR if I'm just plain sad about something in my life (point number 2).  We talked about my fear of being vulnerable, and she assured me that while vulnerability has the connotation of being weak, it's actually a "symbol" of strength.  Interesting.

I recently wrote about feeling lonely in an entry title Loneliness (click "Loneliness" to read more) and I guess that still plagues me from time to time.  As much as I want a wonderful, loving man in my life, I have to let go of my independence and be open to the possibility.  The thought of letting go of control of mine and Sidekick's routine seems odd to me if we let someone else in.  What if "he" doesn't do Sidekick's bedtime routine perfectly?  (Does that really f'n matter?) What if I can't handle someone else in my life taking up "space" in our lives?  I've been "alone" for so long that I don't even know if I'm capable of being with someone.  But the bottom line is that I miss companionship, and apparently that makes me sad... or that guy who broke my heart makes me sad... I'm not sure. 

We talked about how I need to do things that make me happy.  I used to play on volleyball leagues. I used to run half marathons. I used to read books for hours on end. I used to just drive somewhere to go for a hike.  I don't do any of that anymore, not necessarily because I'm busy with Sidekick, but because all of that requires a babysitter, and I'm not "willing" to pay that money when in my stupid head, that money is better used towards Sidekick's college fund or my retirement fund, apparently in lieu of my current happiness.  I realize that I need to do something that makes me happy.  She told me I need to love myself and not just love my son to death.  Do I not love myself?  What exactly does that mean? What does make me happy?  Hmmmm... those are interesting questions. 

The reading was maybe a bit BS, but maybe not. She said that I am a very sensitive person and that I can easily connect on personal levels with certain people.  She said that when I make the "right" decision about things in my life, the clouds seem to part and the sun shines through.  She said I make the right decisions the majority of the time and that I just know what to do when.  She talked about a man that she sees for me, and that when I meet him, Sidekick is with me.  She said he is funny and that he is drawn to Sidekick because he is open to life and love, and because of him, this guy and I will connect... eventually.  She said Sidekick is my teacher in life (which I don't doubt).

When she focused on Sidekick, she immediately laughed.  She said he is such a happy boy, very outgoing, and very social.  He loves adults and kids of all ages.  She said he and I will always be close and that right now, he is very happy with his life and isn't missing anything.  Nothing makes a Momma happier than to hear this, BS or not!

I realize that while Sidekick is my number one priority and he's pretty much my life, he shouldn't be the "only" thing in my life. I somehow need to find a life outside of him before I get swallowed up in this stagnant water in which I'm swimming.  It was a thought provoking hour, and while she was pushing (encouraging me) for another meeting, I'm not sure if I'm up for that, but moving forward I will be open to the possibility of love, enable myself to be (maybe a little) vulnerable, and let go of my need to control everything in my life.  Those are difficult things for me to do, but I'm willing to give it a shot!  Apparently, the universe has more control of my life than I've given it credit for.