Sunday, July 20, 2014


I never thought that Sidekick would completely fill an empty space in my heart/life, but I did think that he would fill it a little... which he definitely did.  I have found that because he is a toddler and requires less "attention", I'm noticing that I am feeling a bit lonely lately.  He is an independent kid and will explore on his own while we are out and about, as long as I'm not out of his sight.  He needs me less which gives me time to think and people watch while we are out. 

We do all sorts of things on our own, but when I see "families" out and about on weekends doing fun things also, I kind of get a little jealous, and then a loneliness settles in.  I'm not sure I can actually explain it, but at the end of the day, sometimes I'm just plain lonely.  Months ago, at the end of day, I used to just love my solitude when Sidekick was asleep for the night. I was happy sitting in front of my TV catching up on shows.   

This loneliness comes in waves.  It definitely was gone during the craziness of moving and getting settled.  Now that we've been here for a few weeks and boxes have been unpacked since our first week here, I'm feeling lonely yet again. The hype and excite of the move came to a crashing halt.  I'm think I am officially looking for companionship, and I've never felt that yearning since Sidekick was born.  I tried online dating a while back and it sucked, but I've rejoined the online dating world again, and guess what?  It still sucks! I'm finding that while Sidekick makes me happy, I need something else to make me happy besides him. I've never relied on man in the past, and I'm not looking to rely on one now, but it would be nice to sit on the sofa or outside on my deck and drink a glass of wine while having a nice conversation.  I can only have so many deep conversations with a two year old before I realize that I need an adult.  Haha! 

I think I am just in a funk, and I'm not sure my friends would understand (they don't understand what it's like being a SMC even though they think they do), so I choose not to express my feelings about this to them. So once again I throw it out the blogging world in hopes that just "talking" about it will snap me out of this.  I hate this feeling.  I'm afraid that if I am not quite happy in my life, I might not be a good mom to my awesome son, and that's not fair to him.


  1. I've often wondered how my stance will change if/when I get my chance to be a mom the SMC way. Right now, I have maybe two weeks out of the year where I toy with the idea to get out there and date again but then remember how much I hate online dating and then it eventually blows over. The 50 other weeks of the year I am perfectly happy with my family and friends as well as my solitude. But I have wondered if having a child will change this in me. I'm sorry you are going through this time of uncertainty but I am so glad you wrote this. Makes me feel like my worries are not just my own. Somewhere someone out there understands!!!

  2. I was actually just thinking about this yesterday. It is hard to explain to is a longing to "fit" in with other families to some extent, and yet it isn't that at the same time.

  3. I understand it and have it in waves too! Online dating sucks. I just want you said, someone to chat with on the sofa or have a glass of wine with and just talk about adult things.