Worrying...

I've been told that I'll never stop worrying about my child, not even when it's an adult.  It's crazy how much I worry about my baby growing in me when there is so little I can do for it other than eat well and take care of myself.  Last week I had blood drawn for my second trimester screening.  These results are combined with the first trimester screening blood work to come up with my odds that my baby might have something wrong with him/her.  The phone call came a lot sooner than I had expected, so of course I panicked when I saw the number on caller ID.  Fortunately, everything looks great, and there is no need to even have to do an amniocentesis.  This is such a huge relief!

I've been worrying and obsessing about day cares, and while I think I am way ahead of the game in my search, I am finding that I'm not.  Geez... my baby won't be in daycare for nine more months, and already I'm finding space is limited.  I've toured a lot, and I mean a lot of places, and none of them seem good enough for my baby! Some are definitely worse than others, and of course the one I really like and would sign up today is over my budget and far away.  That kind of depressed me because I saw a great place that doesn't really make sense to even consider.  <sigh>  Yet another thing to worry about...

The Galloping Horse Broke Down my Wall of Fear!

I had my four week check-up at 15w4d.  I got to hear the heartbeat on the doppler and it definitely sounded like a horse galloping!  It was such a relief to know that my baby is okay.  I seem to get nervous every once in a while because since I can't feel it move yet, I'm always worried that something might have happened.   I also had my second trimester blood screening.  They combine this with the first trimester bloodwork and NT scan to determine my risk for genetic problems like Downs, Trisomys, etc.  The first screen went well, so I am hopeful that I'll get the same great news.  Nevertheless, I'm still nervous for the results. 


I made my appointment for the anatomy scan three weeks from tomorrow. It's crazy that I'll know if I'm going to raise a boy or a girl.  I've not been anxious about finding out, so I'm not too concerned about time dragging.  My mom will be there for that ultrasound, and I know she is excited to see the baby.  That weekend we'll be busy shopping and planning for my boy or girl.  I seem to always guess what my friends are having, but with me, I haven't a clue.  I first thought it was a boy, then I switched to a girl, and now I have no guess.  It'll be exciting to find out!

This galloping horse broke down my wall of fear of telling my manager and colleagues. If this unconventional pregnancy has taught me anything, it's to not assume I know the way people will react. My manager was great and immediately congratulated me. He even reminded me that his in-laws live here, and he'd be happy to introduce me to them if I ever need help. (I work out of my home, and my manager lives in another part of the state.). I then sent out an email to my work friends. The responses I received made me cry!!! This baby all of a sudden was surrounded by so much love. People were so excited for me. I even copy and pasted eveyone's emails to me in a Word document so that I can add it to the baby book. It just made me so happy to share the news with everyone.

Since close friends and colleagues know, the next step was to announce it on Facebook. At that point, my news officially became public!  It's so much more exciting now that people in my life know.  It's been strange to carry this secret with me for 16 weeks. I am humbled by the positive responses and support I have received.  This baby is so lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

Popped!

This past Thursday, my good friend asked if my jeans still fit. I told her that I hadn't worn jeans in weeks because I was either wearing work clothes or comfortable clothes. She told me to try on my jeans while I was on the phone with her because that's a good test to see if my body is changing. I was a bit surprised that they were snug since I had lost weight in the first trimester because I was so sick.  I quickly took them off because I was a bit in shock and wondered if I'll ever wear those jeans again!


Fast forward two days and those same pair of jeans barely fit over my hips, let alone able to be zipped and buttoned. I officially popped at 14w6d! Crazy! I went from looking "normal" one day to looking pregnant the next. It seemed so surreal, and I now walk around realizing that I no longer carry a secret with me because it's pretty obvious there's a baby growing in me. Even though I work out of my home and I don't see my manager very often, it's time to officially let work know... after my doctor appointment on Thursday when I'll get confirmation that everything is going well. (Will I ever stop procrastinating?) 

My sweet dog in the picture seems to really be trying to figure out what's happening to me. 

Two Steps Forward and Three Steps Back

I felt like the new year brought on a re-energized me!  I finally began feeling better and seemed to make it through the day with very little to no nausea.  The second week of January was a different story...

I was in Dallas for training and the one thing I was thankful for is that I was finally feeling better and would be able to make it through training without feeling horrible.  While I recently told my business partner/friend my news, she was not at the meeting, so no one at the meeting knew I am pregnant.  There are reasons I have not told my boss/company yet:

1.  I would like my 2012 sales goal first so that I know I am not being set up for failure this year
2.  I would like my 2011 evaluation
3.  I'm worried how being a SMC will be perceived (even though everyone who knows thus far has been wonderful!).

After lunch on day two of training, I wasn't feeling well.  My body was completely taken over by this pregnancy unlike any other day!  I had never felt so sick, shaky, sweaty, fainty, etc. as I had that day!  I quickly went to my trainer (who was not part of my company), and told her I was not feeling well and had to leave.  I went to my hotel room for about 45 minutes and was so incredibly sick (I'll spare you the details).  I wanted to die or I thought I would die.  I counted my blessings that that horrible episode had only happened that one time.  While I had been feeling sick every day since before I found out I was pregnant, it had never gotten as bad as that moment.

I somehow made it back to training, but I knew people were concerned about me as I had suddenly left for a while.  My trainer tapped me on the shoulder while we were reading something to make sure I was okay.  While it felt like my insides were ripping out, I wasn't so sure I was fine, and I was worried about this alien growing in me.  I was truly scared/worried for the first time.  I told her I was okay, but then during a break I let her know I am pregnant because I was scared, wanted someone to know what was happening, and I wanted her to know I don't have some contagious disease that was going to turn into the next plague.  While I am going at this alone, I felt very alone at that moment because no one knew what I was going through and I was so darn sick!  My trainer was great, told me she'd keep it between us, and checked on me throughout training to make sure I was okay.  I was very much relieved someone knew my secret.

Since I got back in town, I'm still battling this all day nausea again!  I haven't had another episode like I had during training, and for that I am thankful.  When I seem to catch a break from it, I go running to try to relieve a little stress and get some exercise as I have felt very lazy lately.  I sat in my car for six hours yesterday and drove down a lot of windy and hilly roads which didn't help with the nausea, and I felt like my butt was expanding right then and there!  It was awful!  I couldn't get home fast enough, change my clothes to warm running clothes (it was only 34 degrees), grab my dog, and head to the park before it got dark. I felt like a new person when I got back home.  It's the little things that make me happy. 

I have my four week check-up next week.  It'll be pretty uneventful as my doctor will listen to the heartbeat and check to see how things are going.  The appointment next time will be to find out if I'm having a boy or a girl.  I seem to not be anxious about finding out.  I know people who were chomping at the bit as soon as they knew they were pregnant because they wanted to know so badly.  I'm not that person, and I've even debated not finding out. I know I will because I want to be as prepared as I can be, but a little tiny piece of me wants to wait until delivery.  Yet another decision I have to make of many. 

Beginning to Feel Less Like Death

Before I was pregnant, I was prepared for morning sickness.  What I was not prepared for what all day sickness.  I had been battling it since I was just a little over four weeks pregnant, and nothing seemed to help, not even the prescription I was given.  Last week seemed to have been when it subsided a bit, and I felt like a whole new person!  Unlike most pregnant women, I do not have the exhaustion; instead, I have insomnia!  It sucks badly because when I lie awake in the middle of the night for hours at a time, I wish I knew what exhaustion felt like.

Since I began feeling more "normal" last week, I took that as a sign to get my butt in gear and begin working out again.  Working out throughout my pregnancy has always been a goal of mine because there are so many benefits (maintain weight gain, easier delivery, quicker recovery).  I started slowly last week and just took a two mile fast paced walk.  It doesn't sound like much, but I could tell that my body was just different than it had been while I was training for my half marathons.  Today I set out to run two miles.  Unfortunately, I have such a high heart rate when I run that it ended up being almost 1 1/2 miles broken up in half and then a half mile walk.  Since I haven't done anything for about 11 weeks, I'm trying to accept the fact that 1 1/2 miles is good.  When I run, my heart rate is normally in the 170s which is a complete "no-no" during pregnancy.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to maintain it in the 140s for a long period of time, but some type of activity is better than none.

I told my business partner last week that I am pregnant.  I was really worried about telling her because I wasn't sure she would be okay with my choice.  I was so wrong!  She was thrilled and so excited for me!  She even said she thought I would do something like this if I hadn't met a great guy.  I then told my neighbors who were ecstatic!  I was so nervous about telling them because they are old enough to be my baby's grandparents, so I was afraid they were going to be old school.  They offered to help me with anything during the pregnancy and when the baby arrives, told me how proud they are of me, and brought me flowers the next day.  I have always been of the mindset that people will know how I got pregnant and that I thought long and hard about making this very difficult decision.  I don't want people to think I had a one night stand or that I am irresponsible and don't know about protection.  I'm not embarrassed at all about how I did this.  Now that the people I have told are so supportive of me, I'm ready to tell the world! 

Time's a Flyin'

I am currently 12w1d which makes me feel pretty safe that this pregnancy is a go!  It's crazy to think that I'm almost 1/3 of the way through.  I am about 6 1/2 months from my due date, and while that normally seems like a long way away, to me, it seems like it'll be here too quickly!

I had my first trimester screening and things look good.  The baby was moving its arms and legs which is so surreal!  While trying to get good pictures of the Nuchal fold, the baby wouldn't cooperate.  It was so comfy and cozy that it just wanted to remain in the position that it was in.  I had to actually get off the table to jump up and down to see if it would move.  That was unsuccessful.  Finally with painful poking and prodding with the transducer (is that what it's called?), it finally turned a bit to get a good view.  Either I have a really stubborn baby or I have a really laid back baby.  I'm sure hoping for the latter! 

I had a really nice Christmas with my family in Florida.  I was not feeling all that great, but I made it through, I think in part because I was too busy to feel lousy.  It was strange to think that I'll have a five month old with me next year for Christmas.  Yikes!  Since returning home, my all day sickness has just been brutal!  While I caved and got some Reglan before Christmas, it just doesn't seem to do the trick.  Nothing does.  I keep thinking that since I am almost in my second trimester, it should go away any day now.  I've lost about eight pounds, but I have put two pounds back on.  It's kind of nice that I'm down in weight before I put a lot on! 

I've told a couple of people who didn't even know I was doing this.  They were excited about it and know that I can do this.  It was nice to get a vote of confidence.  I don't plan on telling work people until next month.  Since I work out of my home and don't see colleagues very often, it is easy to "hide" my pregnancy.  I am waiting for my annual review and sales goal before I break the news.  I just don't want anything to be held against me.  Maybe I am being a bit paranoid, but since I am doing something unconventional, I just don't want things held against me.  I actually have to go out of town for a company meeting next week, and unless my belly decides to really pop, I should be able to hide it.  There might be some questions about why I'm not having a glass of wine with dinner, but I'll be able to brush that off somehow.  

So, there's a brief update for what's been going on.  I'll try to get better about updating more often! 

Happy New Year! 

My, How Quickly Things Change

I went for my 6w2d ultrasound right before I left town for Thanksgiving.  I was obviously very anxious and worried about what I would see since five days prior, I had learned that I was carrying two babies.  My RE quickly found a flickering heart beat and then noticed that the other sac did not grow.  I had a vanishing twin.  I hate to say that I was happy about it because I did lose a baby, but I was happy not to be in the position of carrying two babies and having the agony and pain of giving one of my babies to my friends.  In some respect I felt bad that I couldn't help my friends, but at the same time, it was a relief that I didn't have to be put in that position.  For the first time since I had seen the first ultrasound, I was really excited that I was having a baby!

It was strange how everyone who knew that I was pregnant with twins, all breathed a sigh of relief when I told them I had a vanishing twin.  Everyone worried about me having to separate my two babies and what that would do to me.  While I think they understood why I was doing it, they also were trying to figure out how "we" could make it happen so I could keep them both.  It was the first time when it felt like I/we could celebrate the fact that I successfully conceived a baby! 

I told my mom and her friend as soon as I got in town.  I pulled out some ginger ale, Saltine crackers, bagels, and peanut butter.  It took them a while for them to figure it out because her friend, with whom I was staying, told me that I didn't have to bring my own food.  When I kept asking if she had ginger ale and Saltine crackers, they still hadn't put it together.  As soon as they did, they were so excited.  My mom quickly asked me if there was only one and boy did I have a story to share with them!  When I told my mom's husband, he was over the moon about a little grandchild entering the world next July!

My RE released me which was kind of sad, and I will be going to my regular OB in a few days.  I'll get to see my baby again.  : )  There better not be any surprises like a second heart beat!  I'm not sure I could take that again!  It's strange to think there is a little human being growing inside me, and that soon I will responsible for this little being for the really, really, really long time.  While I am a little nervous about being a SMC, I am also so excited to meet this little creature that I made.  I know I can do this and my child and I will have a great life together. 

I Must be in a Dream!

It's been a while since I have written/updated. I ended up having a hysteroscopy last month which showed nothing out of the ordinary.  I was both happy that there was nothing serious preventing me from getting pregnant but sad because I was hoping he'd find a little something that could be easily fixed.  I've often heard that some people get pregnant right after a miscarriage and some people get pregnant right after a hysteroscopy.  I asked the nurse if this was true, and she kind of brushed it off as being a "myth". 

I had my IUI the day after my half marathon.  I triggered the night before the race and worried that all of the running would make my eggs pop out sooner than they were supposed to.  Like the previous couple of cycles, I had three eggs.  Because I had to take extra hCG due to my luteal phase defect, I've not been able to rely on HPTs because they could be a false positive.  My first beta at 11dpo was 15.  Last cycle (the one where I miscarried early, my beta was a 16), so I knew this wasn't looking good and that I was in limbo.  I had to go through the whole weekend worrying/wondering if this was another doomed pregnancy or just the remnants of the hCG.  I was testing all weekend long, and noticed the line was getting darker, so I knew this one stuck! 

14dpo: 37 (It had doubled, but it's supposed to double every 48 hours and it had been 72)
16dpo: 75 (While it doubled, it is a lot lower than the average and RE would like for it to have been well over 100)
18dpo: 182 (Typically two blood draws are done, but with my numbers so low, he wanted to continue monitoring me)

At 20dpo, I woke up in the middle of the night with excrutiating cramping.  I immediately thought I was miscarrying, and I was trying to figure out if I could get myself to the hospital because the pain was so bad.  It subsided about 30 minutes later after I put a little heat on my abdomen.  I called RE the next day and was sent in for another beta to see if the number might be decreasing after that episode.  Interestingly enough, at 21dpo, my beta was 650.  We were very cautious because at 21dpo, the average beta is 1248, so this was definitely on the low side, but the good news was my numbers were continuing to double!   

I had my first ultrasound at 5w4d.  Imagine my surprise when RE immediately saw two sacs!!!  I laid on the table just saying "Sh%$" over and over again in disbelief as he looked at each one and saw a yolk sac.  I think we were both stunned because my beta numbers were barely strong enough for a singleton, let alone twins. 

I came out of the exam room, and everyone in the office was waiting by the door to see my u/s pictures.  The look on their faces when they saw two was priceless!  No one could believe it.  While they were excited and hugging me, I was in complete shock.  I held it together until I got in my car.  My sister had no idea that I was even pregnant, so I texted her a picture and wrote, "Hi, Aunt Kristin."  I then called my good friend, Meggan, who didn't believe me.  Her response--- laughter!!!!  I started crying... not from excitement or happiness but out of fear.  My sister finally called me back, very surprised and stunned, and after telling her everything, and moments later, she laughed!  Nice to know both of them responded this way!

When I decided to take fertility meds, it was with the understanding that if I ended up getting pregnant with twins, my good friends would adopt one.  We had several long conversations about this.  They've been trying for years to get pregnant and have had a few failed IVF cycles.  Last month they just started filling out their papers for adoption.  They both finally accepted the fact that they will not have a biological child and were ready for the next step.  When I saw my second baby, I immediately thought that this was their baby.  I didn't think twice about that, and I was partially relieved that I always had a plan.  The difficult thing is that I never truly imagined I would get pregnant with twins!  Heck, this was my eighth try, and I couldn't get one to stick let alone two! 

I've been living in this dream where I can't seem to wake up.  I've cried since I found out.  I even cried while I was blowing drying my hair yesterday. I believe that one is a blessing (mine) and one is a gift that I am supposed to give to my friends.  This was the "master plan" and while it's controversial (as is being a SMC), it's what's best for me and my babies.  I can give my friends the most amazing gift of their lives.  I can fulfill their dream of being parents.  They can finally have a baby living in the nursery they decorated a year ago.  They can be a family.

While in my dream world this seems so easy, in reality, it's killing me.  I have contacted a therapist who deals with adoption, birth mothers, etc. to help me make this life altering decision.  I cannot be influenced by my friends and family because this is my decision alone.  While I have their support, I know they worry about me and if I can really do this.  I know they want me to keep both. But really, what choice do I have?  I know as a SMC, I'm already stretched financially, so two would be next to impossible.  I want my child to be exposed to the world and play soccer or take ballet, go to Disney World, visit museums, see movies, etc. but having two will keep us "homebound" and unable to experience these things due to finances.  It's not fair to my babies.

I know this has been really long, but there was a lot to update.  My friends who "will" adopt do not know I am pregnant with twins, and I don't plan to tell them for a while.  I do know that I want to tell them sooner rather than later for my sake and sanity.  I want to be able to remind myself that I have one baby, but that I am carrying another one for my friends.  It's the only way I can emotionally prepare for what will happen when I deliver them. 

I go for a second ultrasound on Wednesday, which will be 6w2d.  We will hopefully see the heart beats.  It is that day where I will share the news with my mom when I visit for Thanksgiving.  I have not one, but two, things to be thankful for!

Lucky Number Seven?

I've had seven, yes seven, IUIs!  I went into #7 believing this would be my last try, so I really went for it and did back to back IUIs.  I am emotionally and physcially drained.  My stomach is bruised from all of the injections, I have gained weight (despite all of the running I do), my ovaries hurt from growing more/bigger follicles, and the whole process is emotionally exhausting.  However, I felt good about this round.  I was right... sort of...

I received my first BFP at 11dpo.  I continued to get BFPs and was two days late.  I was so excited that I actually got pregnant.  However, at 4w3d, I began bleeding so heavily and had the worst cramps ever.  I had an early miscarriage.  I was so sad.  This chemical pregnancy made me rethink because I actually DID get pregnant.  It was that moment that I decided I couldn't quit.  I took action quickly because time is of the essence when TTC via injections.  Within two days, we came up with a plan.

My RE has suspected luteal phase defect (which we are treating) and adenomyosis.  Both can make implantation a bit of a challenge.  Instead of calling it quits since I did conceive this time around, my RE and I decided to go forward with a hysteroscopy to really look at my uterus.  I also wanted to push with another cycle, so RE is also going to start me on meds so I don't have to take a break because of the hysteroscopy. I like that he responds to what is happening with me and does whatever he can to help make this work.  While I have to sometimes be a little more proactive than I'd like to be, he at least works with me and I feel like we are a team.  I really hope that we will have some answers after the hysteroscopy.

This is going to be my marathon month, literally and figuratively!  I am running a half marathon next weekend, getting my hysteroscopy tomorrow, starting injections tonight or tomorrow, hopefully conceiving at the end of the month, and hopefully closing a million dollar deal with my customer.  It's going to be a busy, crazy few weeks, and I am eager and excited for the craziness!

It's been a long time... a really long time!

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be sitting here not pregnant five months after starting this journey!  It's been really tough and I haven't wanted to write much about it.  I'm not even sure I could go back and remember everything that has been going on.  Let's try...

I finally decided to try injections so that I could produce more than one egg... increasing my chances of successfully conceiving. While that was a very tough decision because in my opinion, doing so messes with nature, and I was not happy about putting those kinds of medicines in my body, I came to peace with it because it seems to be the only chance I have to get pregnant. I fear having more than one baby, so with a conversation with my friends about their inability to conceive, I am 100% sure that if I have twins, they will adopt one of them (if I have triplets, they'll adopt two.).  My babies will have better lives that way because I can't afford two, nor do I have family living nearby to help.   Besides, what a great thing to do for two great people!  While I know giving one to them would be very difficult for me, I know that it is the right thing to do.  I am confident in that decision.  My babies will know about each other, and while my friends and I live a few hours from from each other, they will be in each other's lives. While part of me really wants to help them, I don't want to have to go through carrying twins and giving one to them because emotionally, that is going to be very difficult.

I've lost track how many times I have done IUIs... five?  six?  Yikes!  Anyway, I've had a spotting issue that I've been thinking might be contributing to the problem.  I typically spot about 7 dpiui and my BBT begins to drop about 10 dpiui. From what I have read, this makes implantation difficult.  I pushed my RE a bit to look into this and he did a different type of ultrasound (I can't remember the name of it).  Anyway, it appears as if I have Adenomyosis and with the issues with spotting/BBT, I've been diagnosed with Luteal Phase Defect.  With regards to the Luteal Phase Defect, progesterone and B6 haven't been working, so my RE has put me on hCG injections two different times after my IUI.  Last cycle, I had no spotting!  Because of the hCG injections, my RE needs to check my beta to see if the numbers are increasing to determine if I am pregnant.  My beta last time was low but positive.  RE thought by the time my blood was drawn, the hCG would be out of my system.  Two days later when I had my blood drawn again, my beta dropped.  Ugh!  That's so frustrating!

I have started the injections again, and my follicles are growing very slowly this time around.  I'd like to think that they are getting nice and healthy!  I'm not sure why this is happening especially since I have been stimming longer than "normal" and with higher doses, and when I don't do the injections, they grow faster.  My "typical" day of doing my IUI is not even close to being accurate this time around which is strange.  I kind of had an idea when my IUI would be and that date is way off.  Hmmm...

In the meantime, I have started running again after my horrible/painful injuries seven months ago.  I have my final half marathon next month (well, walk/run since my doctor won't allow me to run the whole thing), and I always planned on running it whether pregnant or not.  I figured that it's good to work out before and during pregnancy, so I jumped back in to get myself back in shape and healthy again. I've been training while focusing on my heart rate since I know when pregnant, heart rate needs to stay low.  I've always had a high heart rate, so it's been a challenge to keep it down, but I'm getting better.  I feel like running/working out is just another thing that will help me get pregnant. 

So there's a bit of an update of where I am in this frustrating journey.