Thursday, January 19, 2012

Two Steps Forward and Three Steps Back

I felt like the new year brought on a re-energized me!  I finally began feeling better and seemed to make it through the day with very little to no nausea.  The second week of January was a different story...

I was in Dallas for training and the one thing I was thankful for is that I was finally feeling better and would be able to make it through training without feeling horrible.  While I recently told my business partner/friend my news, she was not at the meeting, so no one at the meeting knew I am pregnant.  There are reasons I have not told my boss/company yet:

1.  I would like my 2012 sales goal first so that I know I am not being set up for failure this year
2.  I would like my 2011 evaluation
3.  I'm worried how being a SMC will be perceived (even though everyone who knows thus far has been wonderful!).

After lunch on day two of training, I wasn't feeling well.  My body was completely taken over by this pregnancy unlike any other day!  I had never felt so sick, shaky, sweaty, fainty, etc. as I had that day!  I quickly went to my trainer (who was not part of my company), and told her I was not feeling well and had to leave.  I went to my hotel room for about 45 minutes and was so incredibly sick (I'll spare you the details).  I wanted to die or I thought I would die.  I counted my blessings that that horrible episode had only happened that one time.  While I had been feeling sick every day since before I found out I was pregnant, it had never gotten as bad as that moment.

I somehow made it back to training, but I knew people were concerned about me as I had suddenly left for a while.  My trainer tapped me on the shoulder while we were reading something to make sure I was okay.  While it felt like my insides were ripping out, I wasn't so sure I was fine, and I was worried about this alien growing in me.  I was truly scared/worried for the first time.  I told her I was okay, but then during a break I let her know I am pregnant because I was scared, wanted someone to know what was happening, and I wanted her to know I don't have some contagious disease that was going to turn into the next plague.  While I am going at this alone, I felt very alone at that moment because no one knew what I was going through and I was so darn sick!  My trainer was great, told me she'd keep it between us, and checked on me throughout training to make sure I was okay.  I was very much relieved someone knew my secret.

Since I got back in town, I'm still battling this all day nausea again!  I haven't had another episode like I had during training, and for that I am thankful.  When I seem to catch a break from it, I go running to try to relieve a little stress and get some exercise as I have felt very lazy lately.  I sat in my car for six hours yesterday and drove down a lot of windy and hilly roads which didn't help with the nausea, and I felt like my butt was expanding right then and there!  It was awful!  I couldn't get home fast enough, change my clothes to warm running clothes (it was only 34 degrees), grab my dog, and head to the park before it got dark. I felt like a new person when I got back home.  It's the little things that make me happy. 

I have my four week check-up next week.  It'll be pretty uneventful as my doctor will listen to the heartbeat and check to see how things are going.  The appointment next time will be to find out if I'm having a boy or a girl.  I seem to not be anxious about finding out.  I know people who were chomping at the bit as soon as they knew they were pregnant because they wanted to know so badly.  I'm not that person, and I've even debated not finding out. I know I will because I want to be as prepared as I can be, but a little tiny piece of me wants to wait until delivery.  Yet another decision I have to make of many. 

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