Sunday, November 20, 2011

I Must be in a Dream!

It's been a while since I have written/updated. I ended up having a hysteroscopy last month which showed nothing out of the ordinary.  I was both happy that there was nothing serious preventing me from getting pregnant but sad because I was hoping he'd find a little something that could be easily fixed.  I've often heard that some people get pregnant right after a miscarriage and some people get pregnant right after a hysteroscopy.  I asked the nurse if this was true, and she kind of brushed it off as being a "myth". 

I had my IUI the day after my half marathon.  I triggered the night before the race and worried that all of the running would make my eggs pop out sooner than they were supposed to.  Like the previous couple of cycles, I had three eggs.  Because I had to take extra hCG due to my luteal phase defect, I've not been able to rely on HPTs because they could be a false positive.  My first beta at 11dpo was 15.  Last cycle (the one where I miscarried early, my beta was a 16), so I knew this wasn't looking good and that I was in limbo.  I had to go through the whole weekend worrying/wondering if this was another doomed pregnancy or just the remnants of the hCG.  I was testing all weekend long, and noticed the line was getting darker, so I knew this one stuck! 

14dpo: 37 (It had doubled, but it's supposed to double every 48 hours and it had been 72)
16dpo: 75 (While it doubled, it is a lot lower than the average and RE would like for it to have been well over 100)
18dpo: 182 (Typically two blood draws are done, but with my numbers so low, he wanted to continue monitoring me)

At 20dpo, I woke up in the middle of the night with excrutiating cramping.  I immediately thought I was miscarrying, and I was trying to figure out if I could get myself to the hospital because the pain was so bad.  It subsided about 30 minutes later after I put a little heat on my abdomen.  I called RE the next day and was sent in for another beta to see if the number might be decreasing after that episode.  Interestingly enough, at 21dpo, my beta was 650.  We were very cautious because at 21dpo, the average beta is 1248, so this was definitely on the low side, but the good news was my numbers were continuing to double!   

I had my first ultrasound at 5w4d.  Imagine my surprise when RE immediately saw two sacs!!!  I laid on the table just saying "Sh%$" over and over again in disbelief as he looked at each one and saw a yolk sac.  I think we were both stunned because my beta numbers were barely strong enough for a singleton, let alone twins. 

I came out of the exam room, and everyone in the office was waiting by the door to see my u/s pictures.  The look on their faces when they saw two was priceless!  No one could believe it.  While they were excited and hugging me, I was in complete shock.  I held it together until I got in my car.  My sister had no idea that I was even pregnant, so I texted her a picture and wrote, "Hi, Aunt Kristin."  I then called my good friend, Meggan, who didn't believe me.  Her response--- laughter!!!!  I started crying... not from excitement or happiness but out of fear.  My sister finally called me back, very surprised and stunned, and after telling her everything, and moments later, she laughed!  Nice to know both of them responded this way!

When I decided to take fertility meds, it was with the understanding that if I ended up getting pregnant with twins, my good friends would adopt one.  We had several long conversations about this.  They've been trying for years to get pregnant and have had a few failed IVF cycles.  Last month they just started filling out their papers for adoption.  They both finally accepted the fact that they will not have a biological child and were ready for the next step.  When I saw my second baby, I immediately thought that this was their baby.  I didn't think twice about that, and I was partially relieved that I always had a plan.  The difficult thing is that I never truly imagined I would get pregnant with twins!  Heck, this was my eighth try, and I couldn't get one to stick let alone two! 

I've been living in this dream where I can't seem to wake up.  I've cried since I found out.  I even cried while I was blowing drying my hair yesterday. I believe that one is a blessing (mine) and one is a gift that I am supposed to give to my friends.  This was the "master plan" and while it's controversial (as is being a SMC), it's what's best for me and my babies.  I can give my friends the most amazing gift of their lives.  I can fulfill their dream of being parents.  They can finally have a baby living in the nursery they decorated a year ago.  They can be a family.

While in my dream world this seems so easy, in reality, it's killing me.  I have contacted a therapist who deals with adoption, birth mothers, etc. to help me make this life altering decision.  I cannot be influenced by my friends and family because this is my decision alone.  While I have their support, I know they worry about me and if I can really do this.  I know they want me to keep both. But really, what choice do I have?  I know as a SMC, I'm already stretched financially, so two would be next to impossible.  I want my child to be exposed to the world and play soccer or take ballet, go to Disney World, visit museums, see movies, etc. but having two will keep us "homebound" and unable to experience these things due to finances.  It's not fair to my babies.

I know this has been really long, but there was a lot to update.  My friends who "will" adopt do not know I am pregnant with twins, and I don't plan to tell them for a while.  I do know that I want to tell them sooner rather than later for my sake and sanity.  I want to be able to remind myself that I have one baby, but that I am carrying another one for my friends.  It's the only way I can emotionally prepare for what will happen when I deliver them. 

I go for a second ultrasound on Wednesday, which will be 6w2d.  We will hopefully see the heart beats.  It is that day where I will share the news with my mom when I visit for Thanksgiving.  I have not one, but two, things to be thankful for!

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