Thursday, February 28, 2013

Empty Place at the Dining Room Table

I previously wrote about the day Sidekick asks why he doesn't have a Daddy.  This hangs over my head so much even though Sidekick is only 7 1/2 months old.  I play the conversation over and over in my head while looking at my sweet, happy baby, and none of the explanations seems "right".  Bottom line... I was unlucky in love but didn't want to miss my chance to have a baby.  That has always been a dream of mine since as long as I can remember.  Due to modern technology, I was able to do just that.  Is that a good enough explanation? 

When I announced on Facebook that Sidekick was born, one of my friends congratulated my unborn child on picking me to be his mommy. I love that! I've always said (and wrote) that if things were meant to be, then I would have a baby.  I always said (and wrote) that it has to be the "right" sperm and "right" egg for me to get the baby I'm supposed to have.  That's why it took eight IUIs! It was my last vial of sperm!  I was emotionally spent!  I was exhausted!  I was done!  But nope!  That was when my perfect baby came to be.  That was when he picked me. 

How does a Mom explain to her son the choice she made (that could in retrospect hurt/upset him)?  I don't believe that Sidekick will really be at a disadvantage because he doesn't have a Dad.  In fact, I hope one day Sidekick will have a Dad and some step siblings.  My best friend's husband will be a great role model, and while my sister and brother-in-law live far away, my brother-in-law will be an important part of Sidekick's life as well. I'm athletic, so we'll play sports together, hike together, go camping together, etc. We can do this.

I certainly don't regret doing what I did, and I never have, even for a brief moment.  I am so in love with my sidekick.  It's a love that is indescribable.  But I know that my wordless sidekick will start talking, and he will have questions.  I hope I can be the best parent to him.  I hope that I can live up to his expectations.  I hope that he will love me regardless of what I did.  I hope that he will never be angry about being brought into this world with only a Mommy. 

I will struggle with this until Sidekick and I talk about it. Who knows how long Sidekick will struggle with it.  I hope with all of my being that Sidekick will be okay with it because it's all he knows, and I provide him everything he needs.  I hope he never feels like there is an empty place at the dining room table. 

No comments:

Post a Comment