Donor Sperm Mix-up Lawsuit

I'm sure that most SMC (and most everyone else in the world!) have read or heard about the lesbian couple who chose/ordered white donor sperm and instead got sperm from an African American donor.  They are now suing the sperm bank.  Since I've always been open about being a SMC, sperm donation, etc., friends/family have asked me about my feelings/thoughts on it since I am the only person they know who has used a Donor. Without really siding with or against the couple, I do have some thoughts...

First and foremost, I have always believed that we get the baby we are meant to have.  It took me eight IUIs until I finally got pregnant with Sidekick.  Donor #1 ran out of sperm which devastated me, so I had to switch Donors in the middle of my tries.  Apparently, Donor #2 was meant to be my baby's Donor, not Donor #1.  I truly believe that.

It took me countless hours choosing a Donor.  There were characteristics I was looking for in a Donor, certain diseases/illnesses I immediately eliminated, personality traits I was trying to decipher on paper, etc.  More than anything, if sperm was mixed up, I would be worried about health issues (I eliminated any cancer in Donor's family because cancer runs in my family), but at the same time, there are such strict "regulations" and Donors are not "accepted" if they have any of a long list of illnesses.  So, I  would have to rest assure that the Donor probably has a somewhat clean bill of health and hope that there was no cancer in his family. 

I was terrified the entire time I was pregnant (and even trying to get pregnant) that the sperm would get mixed up.  Terrified!  Why?  I have no idea!  But after a traumatic labor and delivery, Sidekick looked very much like an African American baby when I finally pushed him out... even my mom and best friend who were in the delivery room thought so.  I guess I was exhausted after 23 1/2 hours of labor and 2 1/2 hours of pushing and feeling confused because I was looking for a pretty pink baby... which Sidekick was not even close to being!  He quickly turned to a more healthy color (less blue/purple), and I could see that he was in fact a white baby.  But, for a brief moment I wondered did the sperm get mixed up?

If I received a letter in the mail today or two years from now that the sperm got mixed up, would I care?  Honestly, probably not.  And who I am to say that the sperm didn't get mixed up?!  I have no way of knowing because I have a child that is 100% white.  Maybe the Donor I chose, is not really the Donor I got. The truth of the matter is, I don't really care because I got the baby I am mean to have.

Do I fault the couple for suing the sperm bank?  No. Would I sue?  Probably not.  I have a healthy, happy baby, and I wouldn't have Sidekick if I didn't get the sperm that made him.  I'd have an entirely different baby.  They have a bit of a unique situation in that they ended up with a 50% African American baby, so that puts a different twist on the story, BUT again, there are no guarantees that any of us got the sperm we think we ordered.  We just have to trust.

It's a messy situation, and I feel badly that they didn't get the sperm they thought they were getting.  I don't doubt that they love their beautiful daughter any less.  I do wonder how money really changes what happened.  But, who I am to judge?  Who are any of us to judge? 

Male Role Model for Sidekick

I worry all the time about being a SMC, but more importantly, I really worry about raising a boy as a SMC since I cannot possibly relate to "boy issues".  I do great in the sports area of his life because I'm athletic, but I worry if I will be enough for him as he grows up and if I, alone, can give him everything he needs to be a well rounded man. 
 
I've written before about our amazing neighbors, D and E, who have an eight year old boy, T.  Our families immediately bonded shortly after we moved to our new home.  We all spend time outside together whenever possible, and Sidekick worships T (eight year old boy).  E (mom) and I have also formed a very close relationship, and we have this unique bond I've never had with someone. D (dad) and I get along so well and he has become a great friend.  But most importantly, D has this incredible love for Sidekick.  It's almost as if Sidekick is his own son. I can't wrap my head around the fact that someone can truly embrace my son and care about him so much in just a couple of months. They love each other like a father and son would.  It melts my heart and makes me so happy to see them together. 

Last night T had a baseball game, so Sidekick and I went to cheer him on.  I had to work all day, which made me cranky because if I'm going to pay a babysitter on a Saturday, it SHOULD be because I am doing something fun! I was exhausted, but I told T we were going to his game, and I didn't want to disappoint him.  While Sidekick didn't really understand what was going on, he enjoyed being part of the action and cheering on his best friend, T. 

At one point, Sidekick went over to D, and I looked over and found them like this:

 

To most people, this image would mean absolutely nothing, but to me, it means the world!  I wanted to cry watching this because while it made me so happy, it made me sad at the same time.  Strange, right?  It tugged at my heart strings in a way I hadn't expected.  It was a moment when I was reminded after living in my "nuclear family bubble" for a brief moment, that this is something Sidekick doesn't really have, and who knows if he ever will. It makes me go back to a question that surfaces in the front of my head from time to time:  Did I do the wrong thing wanting to be a SMC?  Is it fair to Sidekick?

 

I count my blessings that D, E, and T are in our lives. I consider them my best friends and my family.  I am especially grateful that D has stepped up to be that male role model that Sidekick's life is lacking. We never know where life is going to take us, but I certainly never imagined that after we moved to our new home, we would have such amazing people in our lives in such a short period of time.  That truly just does not seem possible. Both Sidekick and I were missing "something" in our lives, and this family has filled that void for both of us. We are fortunate to not only have them as friends, but to have them as our neighbors so we can see them all the time and continue this great relationship the five of us have.  The universe works in mysterious ways, and right now, I like the way it's working!  We are truly blessed to have them in our lives.  They mean the world to us!



Soccer (and lack of an apology)

I haven't  ever done any scheduled activities with Sidekick, and I felt the need to do something "special" with him each week.  Since he has this love and talent for kicking a soccer ball, I signed him up for a parent/tot class.  He's had so much fun, and I love seeing him listening to his coach, following directions, and interacting with other kids.  Those are things that I've never been able to observe, and it's nice to see how well behaved he is, so I'm hoping he is the same way at school.  This was literally his first day before "class" officially started.  Ever since his first day, he can't wait to put on his jersey every Wednesday. 

 

And this one is of the kids having to chase hula-hoops down the field. Apparently kids this young don't understand the concept of following/chasing a ball (hula hoop).  Sidekick is the one with the really loud scream, but who cares!  He loved it! (Of course I have zero space on my shitty phone despite the fact there is NOTHING on it anymore, so it cut off at the best part.)

 

While he looks cute and obedient in those videos, he sure has been pushing my buttons lately!  Just this morning while driving him to school, he was whining and getting angry because I couldn't help him put this magnet together.  When I finally lost my patience, I raised my voice, told him to stop, and asked him to apologize for his bad behavior, he immediately replied with, "*Sidekick* not sorry."  WHAT???!!!  Normally he apologizes on his own before I even have to tell him he did something wrong, but this time  for whatever reason, he wasn't sorry.  Wow!  I had no idea how to even respond to that and was shocked that he even had a thought process like that.  So, I continue on with trying to figure out how to deal with a toddler, and it seems to change daily!

The Things I Think about when I have Insomia (Part 2)

I wrote about this a while ago, and since my insomnia is unbearable yet again, I thought I'd share the crazy things that run through my head when I stare at nothingness in the dark for hours on end.  No wonder I can't sleep!

1. What is the name of that customer I worked with three years ago who called me out of the blue a few months ago?  (Still can't figure this out!)
2. I hate when I close my eyes to try to go to sleep, and I feel my eyeballs rolling back into my head.
3. When am I going to find time to get a new iPhone?  My current one sucks!
4. I really need some new work clothes.
5. I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired.
6. Why can't Sidekick be less messy when he pees on the potty?  So yucky!
7. When will I get my act together and start making good meals for Sidekick and me again?
8. Why am I too wrapped up in saving money and planning for the future instead of enjoying the present?
9. What the hell am I going to do all winter long when we are trapped inside?  (We play outside every single day right now!)
10. Why the hell can't I sleep?
11. What am I going to hang on the walls upstairs in the hallway?
12. Why can't I find a cool picture to hang in my bathroom?
13. Will I actually get a Christmas tree this year?
14. Why is Halloween so generic when it comes to kids' costumes?
15. What is a realistic sales goal for work?
16. I can't believe my neighbor from where we used to lived didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 26 weeks along!  (And delivered at 28 weeks.)  It was an oops! baby.
17. Will I ever find time and have the energy to start running again?
18. I really want a grill. I feel like I'll eat healthier if I have one.
19. I pay association fees, so when will the bushes in my neighborhood be trimmed again?
20. Why doesn't my neighbor bring her dog inside when it barks for a long time?  It's really pretty annoying.
21. How can my neighbor behind me in a different subdivision let the grass get so long in his/her back yard?  I'm talking up to my knees!  Have some respect for your home (and your fellow neighbors)!
22. Will I ever date again?
23. Why am I more exhausted now that I have a toddler than I was when I had a newborn?
24. Will I used the annual membership to the children's museum enough times to make the purchase worth it?
25. Why can't I f'n sleep?????!!!!

Those were a lot of the things that floated through my head last night, but I know there were more!  I am one that just can't seem to shut down my brain no matter how tired I am. 

Vacation and Dog Bites

We spent last week in Lake Geneva, WI visiting my mom.  The weather couldn't have been more perfect. Sidekick has always said that Grandma lives at the beach, but until we read books about the beach, I'm not sure he understood what that means.  As soon as he saw the beach near Grandma's house he got so excited.  It's like a light bulb went on in his head. Our first day there, we went to the beach, and this kid was so incredibly happy! One would think that he's been going to the beach since the day he was born.  He has no fear whatsoever and he just embraced every new adventure.

 

           

                    

 

After his nap that afternoon, we went outside so Sidekick could sweep the acorns on Grandma's driveway (is every kid obsessed with sweeping like mine???).  A family with a three year old and two terrier-like dogs were out for a walk.  We've met them before, so we all started talking.  After about ten minutes, Sidekick, who adores dogs, walked towards the dogs slowly. Both dogs were on leashes.  Dog #1 grabbed Sidekick by the shirt and started attacking him.  Dog #2 apparently felt left out, so he started attacking Dog #1, and Sidekick was literally caught in the middle.  I immediately ran to get Sidekick, the dad picked up his daughter, and the mom was panicking while trying to separate the two dogs that were fighting.  Talk about an adrenaline rush!  It was the scariest thing ever!  Sidekick was screaming, and I wasn't sure if it was because he was hurt, scared, or both. I looked him over and found a massive scratch down his stomach and four puncture holes on his shoulder. 
 
I didn't want Sidekick to be afraid of dogs after this incident, so after he calmed down, he did pet the dog (that was being held very tightly) that attacked him.  He's such a brave boy.  We went inside so I could look him over again and clean him up.  When my mom got home shortly after this incident, I walked down to the neighbor's house to make sure they were up to date with their shots, which they were.  The mom started sobbing as soon as she saw me.  I gave her a big hug and reassured her that Sidekick was okay, but she kept saying she couldn't imagine if that had happened to her daughter.  I told her that I was very relieved that nothing more had happened to Sidekick, and that we should all be grateful.  Later that night, I couldn't get that image of two dogs attacking my sweet boy. 
 
The next day, the family came down and brought Sidekick a dog stuffed animal.  As soon as she saw  me, she started crying again. I think they felt better seeing that Sidekick was just fine, and we never made an issue of it again to him, so I'm hoping he's forgotten about it.  This whole incident gets me thinking... I have a golden retriever, and I wonder what I would do if she attacked Sidekick or someone else. Would I assume it was a fluke or would I take drastic measures and put her to sleep?  Even though I am a total dog lover, Dog is almost 12 years old, but part of me thinks that I would never trust her again, and for my peace of mind, I think I'd have to put her to sleep.  I would be devastated for so many reasons just like this family is, but humans take priority in my life, and I'm not sure I'd ever want Dog around Sidekick again especially since he likes to lay on her, hug her, play rough with her, etc. I wonder if this family is thinking the same thing as I. 

Open the Floodgates and Let the Universe do it's Job

I'm typically a person who doesn't let others see me cry.  I'm typically a person who is not open with her feelings.  I'm typically a person who keeps things bottled up instead of talk about them. Today was not the case!  My friend had gotten me a gift certificate for a reading followed by some self growth discussion.  I had no idea what to expect, but I went in with an open mind.  I had to fill out a brief sheet with information and the last question was focusing on things that I would like to work on for self growth (or something like that).  I sat there for a few minutes thinking, and thinking, and thinking and came up with two things:

1.  Be open to love in order to find a great man
2.  Be happy and at peace with the present

Hell if I knew what I wanted to accomplish! I had no idea what this hour would look like!

Anyway, she immediately asked about point number one which took me back 12 years to the man I thought I was going to marry. The man for whom I moved to a different state. The man that I loved with all my heart.  About two minutes in, I started crying!  Me!  Wth?!?  I don't know if I am still so sad about that OR if I'm just plain sad about something in my life (point number 2).  We talked about my fear of being vulnerable, and she assured me that while vulnerability has the connotation of being weak, it's actually a "symbol" of strength.  Interesting.

I recently wrote about feeling lonely in an entry title Loneliness (click "Loneliness" to read more) and I guess that still plagues me from time to time.  As much as I want a wonderful, loving man in my life, I have to let go of my independence and be open to the possibility.  The thought of letting go of control of mine and Sidekick's routine seems odd to me if we let someone else in.  What if "he" doesn't do Sidekick's bedtime routine perfectly?  (Does that really f'n matter?) What if I can't handle someone else in my life taking up "space" in our lives?  I've been "alone" for so long that I don't even know if I'm capable of being with someone.  But the bottom line is that I miss companionship, and apparently that makes me sad... or that guy who broke my heart makes me sad... I'm not sure. 

We talked about how I need to do things that make me happy.  I used to play on volleyball leagues. I used to run half marathons. I used to read books for hours on end. I used to just drive somewhere to go for a hike.  I don't do any of that anymore, not necessarily because I'm busy with Sidekick, but because all of that requires a babysitter, and I'm not "willing" to pay that money when in my stupid head, that money is better used towards Sidekick's college fund or my retirement fund, apparently in lieu of my current happiness.  I realize that I need to do something that makes me happy.  She told me I need to love myself and not just love my son to death.  Do I not love myself?  What exactly does that mean? What does make me happy?  Hmmmm... those are interesting questions. 

The reading was maybe a bit BS, but maybe not. She said that I am a very sensitive person and that I can easily connect on personal levels with certain people.  She said that when I make the "right" decision about things in my life, the clouds seem to part and the sun shines through.  She said I make the right decisions the majority of the time and that I just know what to do when.  She talked about a man that she sees for me, and that when I meet him, Sidekick is with me.  She said he is funny and that he is drawn to Sidekick because he is open to life and love, and because of him, this guy and I will connect... eventually.  She said Sidekick is my teacher in life (which I don't doubt).

When she focused on Sidekick, she immediately laughed.  She said he is such a happy boy, very outgoing, and very social.  He loves adults and kids of all ages.  She said he and I will always be close and that right now, he is very happy with his life and isn't missing anything.  Nothing makes a Momma happier than to hear this, BS or not!

I realize that while Sidekick is my number one priority and he's pretty much my life, he shouldn't be the "only" thing in my life. I somehow need to find a life outside of him before I get swallowed up in this stagnant water in which I'm swimming.  It was a thought provoking hour, and while she was pushing (encouraging me) for another meeting, I'm not sure if I'm up for that, but moving forward I will be open to the possibility of love, enable myself to be (maybe a little) vulnerable, and let go of my need to control everything in my life.  Those are difficult things for me to do, but I'm willing to give it a shot!  Apparently, the universe has more control of my life than I've given it credit for. 

Peeing... Where?!?!

Sidekick has been waking up dry in the mornings for several months.  I thought this would be a good kick off to potty training.  While he sits on the potty in the morning, I can't seem to encourage him to use it during the day with as much ease.  I bought him mini-Starbursts as a bribe, and most of the time he could care less.  Sunday afternoon, I put him on the potty with a book in his hand.  I walked to the laundry room which is right next to his bathroom, and when I came back he was standing up next to the potty facing the wall.  HE HAD JUST FINISHED PEEING ON THE WALL!!!!  After I got over my initial shocked and he confirmed that he did that, he asked me for a Starburst.  I seriously had to ponder that for a moment because I didn't know if peeing on the wall warranted a Starburst.  He saw my hesitation, sat on the potty, and squeezed out just a little more pee to get that Starburst  I've written it before, and I'll write it again, potty training boys is really messy!!!!

On an unrelated note... Sidekick's school leaves a small treasure box of Dum-Dums for the kids on Fridays.  I've always been able to dodge them without him knowing what they are until last week when he saw his friend with one.  He looked at his friend, looked at the treasure box, looked at me, an said, "Momma. I wanna Sucker-ball!"  I prefer the word lollipop over sucker, so I'm not sure where in the world he came up with Sucker-ball!  The people within earshot just started laughing. 

I've started writing down the funny things he says in a journal, and it's hard to believe how many are already in there. His humor, whether intentional or not, is priceless.  I think he and I will get along really well in the years to come as neither of us seem to take the world too seriously, even when the going gets tough. 

Warrior!

My new friend/neighbor, E, is having a hysterectomy next week.  She's young and was very open with me when she explained that her mom had fought and died from several different cancers and that she (E) had tested positive for the BRCA Gene, so the odds were stacked against her. Not only has she made the courageous decision to do this surgery at a young age, but she also had a double mastectomy not too long ago. To be faced with losing her mother five months ago and then having another surgery to prevent what her mom went through is inspiring.  It's something I cannot even begin to wrap my head around. 

I try to keep things light hearted and find humor in a pretty shitty situation because let's face it, that's what I do and who I am. I immediately think that she'll never have a period again... ever!  That sounds awesome!  However, I can see the struggle she is going through.  While she and her husband are not planning on having another child, having a hysterectomy is so final, and the decision is made for them.  If it was me, I'd be feeling the finality of my child bearing years also (hell, I already feel my biological clock ticking faster than ever!), and that would be difficult.  Her decision cannot be reversed, but she is making a decision that will allow her to be here for her husband and son for many, many more years to come.

So I sit here and think: holy mother fu#$er! So much of our womanhood is tied to our uteruses and ovaries.  I grew my baby there. She grew her baby there. My uterus was my son's first "home" and if faced with a decision like E, his "home" would be yanked out of me in an instant and be forever gone, robbing me of the ability to bear another child... ever.  While I would probably do the same thing if faced with those awful odds that she learned she had, I can't quite imagine the finality of what that surgery means to her.  Not only is she facing the fact that her insides are being ripped out of her, but she is facing the finality of what woman's bodies were made to do... have children. She is an F'n warrior!

I ask that all of my readers/followers please say a little prayer for and send good vibes to my friend, E, on Tuesday morning and the days leading up to and after her surgery. While her mother is not here for her, let's surround her with a lot of love that she can feel from all around the world.  Thank you.

The Beauty of Friendship and a Nosy (but cute!) Neighbor

We haven't even been in our new home for two months, and already we have bonded with a great family.  E and D have an eight year old son, T.  For whatever reason, our families just took to one another from the first day we hung out in the cul-da-sac.  T has stepped up to be the big brother Sidekick will never have, while D stepped up to be a good, kind, solid male figure in Sidekick's life.  When I sit back and watch the interaction between Sidekick, T, and D, my heart just melts and it brings me so much happiness.  How did we get so lucky to have such great friends/neighbors?  Sidekick always asks if "Big T" is outside to play. He loves that kid.

I find it very interesting that our families have bonded so quickly.  Even more surprising is the fact that E and I have become close friends in such a short period of time. I think it all goes back to a question from a six year old neighbor.  I was walking Dog, and my mom was home with Sidekick.  Little girl came up to me to pet Dog.  I've seen her before, but only a couple of times.  Here is how the conversation went:

Girl:  Do you have a Dad?
Me:   Yes (kind of a lie)
Girl:  Do you have a boyfriend?
Me:   No
Girl:  Do you have a husband?
Me:   No
Girl:  Then how did you get *Sidekick*?

What??!!  How the hell do I respond to that, and why would she even ask a question like that? I shrugged it off and told her I was just a lucky Momma.  Later that night, we were out and I mentioned to E that I wanted to talk to her about the conversation I had with the girl.  We later met outside on her driveway when Sidekick was sleeping and my mom was home. (T was up in his room trying to fall asleep, so this was the only way we could talk because D was not home.) I walked down armed with alcoholic beverages, and E yelled, "Where the F have you been the past eight years?"  I knew from that moment, we would be good friends. 

While sitting on her driveway, and I asked her if she knew the story of me and Sidekick. She said she figured Sidekick's dad wasn't in the picture, so I explained how Sidekick came to be, and she had such joy in her heart and replied that she had just gotten the chills.  At that moment, we became good friends.  I told her about the girl and she laughed and said that same girl came up to her one day, put her hands on E's belly, and asked if she was pregnant.  Nice! 

I told E that I was just thinking that maybe she and the girl's mom (who I know) were talking about us, and the girl just overheard. I told her that I didn't care if they were, and that I've always been an open book about Sidekick's story.  But, they never had that conversation, so I have no idea what prompted the girl to ask me such a question.  It's a good thing she is cute!

Sometimes I question the way life works ... E, D, and T are going to move (and selfishly I hope they stay). As strange as this sounds, it really makes me sad to think of them not a few doors away.  When you find people, neighbors especially, with whom you quickly form a good friendship, the thought of them leaving is very hard. I uprooted our lives and we left great friends in order to have a bigger, "better" home for me and Sidekick, and I ended up being blessed with good friends.  What are the chances of that?  We are so content here, but it might very much be the result of our new found friends. Our little families have bonded in ways that I never imagined possible. Sometimes people come into our lives at just the right moment, but it sure sucks when they leave in a flash.

A Little Parched Perhaps?

My mom came in town last week and stayed through the weekend.  Since my stepdad passed away a month ago and my mom was taking care of him, she hadn't seen our new home yet.  I was so excited for her to see the home I worked so hard to be able to afford, not to mention a home that Sidekick and I love so much!  Sidekick was so excited to give her the tour (even though he was at school when I picked her up from the airport, so she had already seen it).  Seeing him give her the tour was so much fun because I could see how much he loves it here!

We had a busy weekend at a children's museum, a building activity at a hardware store, running errands, hanging things on the walls of our new home, playing with our new neighbors, etc.  Probably the highlight of her time here was when we went the park.  It was a park we hadn't been to yet, and it had a splash pad that slanted, so the water moved down like a river.  We had avoided that area like the plague because I didn't have his swimsuit, towel, etc.  We succeeded for a while, but towards the end, he became curious.  He went over and just looked and reaching to touch the water as best as he could.  After about 15 minutes, he walked into the water. I didn't care what others would think, so I stripped him down to his diaper and let him have fun. For whatever reason, he thought it would be a good idea to get a drink.

 

 

I laughed so hard when he did this!  He did this off and on over about a 15 minute timeframe.  I had to get my phone out of my car so I could capture this image.  I have no idea what possessed him to do this, but everyone thought it was funny and a few people even took a picture of him.  So here sits Momma and Grandma laughing uncontrollably at a kid who is inappropriately dressed for the occasion and probably catching the plague, which we were trying so desperately to avoid. I don't care.  He was so happy and two year olds should be able to do goofy things like this!