Tuesday, September 24, 2013

My Memory is Already Fading

I loved being pregnant.  I had horrible insomnia the entire time, but I still felt great anyway.  I never napped (I never understood how pregnancy makes people tired). I ran up until I was about 6 1/2 months along, but I continued to work out until I delivered.  Okay... let me back track... I loved being pregnant after my horrible all day sickness ended at 15 weeks, but I digress. I loved my belly.  I loved people always talking to me just because I was pregnant.  I loved feeling proud that I was growing a human being in me.  I felt beautiful and healthy.  For some reason, I am already upset that I can't remember what being pregnant felt like.  My water broke at 38+6 which surprised everyone because I had an induction date scheduled as it appeared that Sidekick had no intentions of coming on his own.  He fooled us!
Because I had an induction date set for 40+2, I thought I had time to say goodbye to my pregnancy.  That sounds strange, I know, but since my water broke unexpectedly (and I waited six hours to go the L&D because I wasn't sure my water really broke since it was a trickle), I was very surprised.  I was planning on another 11 days with my little guy growing in me while I kept him safe. I was planning on having one last night out with my best friend getting a pedicure/manicure and eating a great dinner, but then my water broke that day, so I never got that last night out.  I remember every hour that I was in L&D from 3:00 PM until 8:48 AM the next morning when Sidekick joined the world. I remember pushing for 2 1/2 hours and how fast that 2 1/2 hours felt.  I remember everything getting pretty scary because Sidekick was stuck and we were approaching the 24 hour mark from when my water broke, so he needed to get out.  I remember getting so angry and determined to push him out so I wouldn't end up with a c-section.  I remember looking at him as soon as he was born and thinking that the sperm must have gotten mixed up because he looked like an African American baby since his skin was so dark. Ha!  (By the way, my mom and best friend thought the same thing but didn't tell me until the next day.)  I remember that moment when he was put into my arms and I fell in love with him.

But, I can't remember being pregnant! Granted Sidekick was a very calm baby and didn't move much at all, so oftentimes it felt like there wasn't anything growing/moving inside me. I was a happy pregnant woman who had no cravings and wasn't emotional, but I can't remember what it felt like with him growing in me.  Am I the only one?  He will be my only child (unless I get married soon, so I can afford another one), so I'm sad that I'll never experience that incredible feeling again... a feeling that I CANNOT remember! 

I'm sad about this, and I don't know why.  It's been 14 months, but sometimes I miss him growing inside me.  I miss that experience. I miss that sensation.  I miss wondering what he will look like and what his personality will be like.  I miss wondering if he'll be an easy baby or a difficult one. (I got so lucky!) I miss the wonder of it all, and if it wasn't for finances, I would be doing everything I could to experience it all over again.  I loved being pregnant.  I miss the feeling of being pregnant even though I can't remember it. 

1 comment:

  1. I miss the serenity that came from being pregnant. Especially in the early months, when I was the only one who knew! Yes, it's difficult to remember details but I do remember feeling very, very fortunate. All that mattered was the baby--everything else was "small stuff".