Things that Sidekick Does that Make me Smile

After my last couple of "blah" posts and being in a funk the past week or so, I decided that I needed to remember things about Sidekick that make me happy, make me laugh, or just put a smile on my face.  Sidekick has amazing vocabulary, but now he is stringing words together which is getting so fun (and at times, very entertaining). 

• I love that "Momma" gets put into so much of what he says now:  "Momma sit", "Momma eat", "Momma no"
• I love when he says, "Momma hand" and reaches for mine to take me on an adventure with him, even if it's just to his room. 
• I love that it takes him a while to pick out the two books he wants to read before bedtime.  He will grab two, and then sometimes he changes his mind, and will switch out one or both books. 
• I love that we sing "Rock a Bye Baby" several times every night before bedtime (what a horrible song by the way), and each time he puts someone or something "in the treetop" besides baby.
• We've been in our new home for one month, and every time I pick him up from school, he comes running towards me yelling, "New home!".  Every morning when we pull out of the garage he says, "Bye bye new home. Love you."
• The other night after reading books before bedtime and sitting in the rocking chair, Sidekick put his head on my shoulder, started patting my back, and kept saying, "Patting Momma". 
• I decided to watch "Finding Nemo" with him and spread it out over several days.  The day we watched Nemo go down the drain in the dentist's office, Sidekick started screaming "Oh no!" and crying.  How was he able to process that "that" might be a bad, scary thing?
• We had a lot of rain a while ago, so the field in which we play has a lot of mushrooms.  Sidekick is terrified of them!  He says, "Ewwww, yucky!" and won't even walk around them.  In fact, most things that don't look "right" to him, he says, "Ewww, yucky!"
• He has always been a kid who thrives on routine. When I tell him it's bath time, he goes into his bathroom, opens up the cabinet, gets a wash cloth and the color tablets that change the color of the water, and brings it all to me.
• He loves the magnetic letters on the refrigerator.  I can sit on my sofa and ask him to bring me a specific letter, and he will bring me each one until every letter is gone.  (This game can go on a long time which is a really good thing when I need to kill time.)
• When I ask him if Momma loves him, he replies in a high pitched, silly voice, "Nooooo."
• He insists on Dog being upstairs with us when we read books before bed time.  He will yell for her and then tell her "down" when she arrives.  Before he goes to sleep, he gives her a big hug and tells her he loves her. 
• When he plays Peekaboo... after he covers my eyes or his eyes, he says, "Ah-boo!"  (Not sure where the "peek" is.)
• He is a very polite boy and uses please and thank you all the time.  He's also using "Love you" a lot regardless of him referring to an actual person or an inanimate object (new home, basketball, car, etc.).  The other day after checking out at Autozone, he said, "Thank you, nice man.  Love you."  (I think I need to start teaching him the appropriate times to use "Love you".) 

So... in the midst of my funk, I'm glad that I can find joy in this little guy who seriously brings me so much happiness during mundane every day ins and outs of life.

Loneliness

I never thought that Sidekick would completely fill an empty space in my heart/life, but I did think that he would fill it a little... which he definitely did.  I have found that because he is a toddler and requires less "attention", I'm noticing that I am feeling a bit lonely lately.  He is an independent kid and will explore on his own while we are out and about, as long as I'm not out of his sight.  He needs me less which gives me time to think and people watch while we are out. 

We do all sorts of things on our own, but when I see "families" out and about on weekends doing fun things also, I kind of get a little jealous, and then a loneliness settles in.  I'm not sure I can actually explain it, but at the end of the day, sometimes I'm just plain lonely.  Months ago, at the end of day, I used to just love my solitude when Sidekick was asleep for the night. I was happy sitting in front of my TV catching up on shows.   

This loneliness comes in waves.  It definitely was gone during the craziness of moving and getting settled.  Now that we've been here for a few weeks and boxes have been unpacked since our first week here, I'm feeling lonely yet again. The hype and excite of the move came to a crashing halt.  I'm think I am officially looking for companionship, and I've never felt that yearning since Sidekick was born.  I tried online dating a while back and it sucked, but I've rejoined the online dating world again, and guess what?  It still sucks! I'm finding that while Sidekick makes me happy, I need something else to make me happy besides him. I've never relied on man in the past, and I'm not looking to rely on one now, but it would be nice to sit on the sofa or outside on my deck and drink a glass of wine while having a nice conversation.  I can only have so many deep conversations with a two year old before I realize that I need an adult.  Haha! 

I think I am just in a funk, and I'm not sure my friends would understand (they don't understand what it's like being a SMC even though they think they do), so I choose not to express my feelings about this to them. So once again I throw it out the blogging world in hopes that just "talking" about it will snap me out of this.  I hate this feeling.  I'm afraid that if I am not quite happy in my life, I might not be a good mom to my awesome son, and that's not fair to him.

The Passing of Sidekick's Grandpa

I've mentioned before that my stepdad was diagnosed with throat cancer about six weeks before Sidekick was born. Less than two weeks before he was born, my stepdad has his voice box removed. For two years, this wonderful man had to either write or type on his iPad when he wanted to "talk".  It changed his life forever and everyone around him had to rally around him and support him through this change. It was sad to never hear his deep, calm, loving voice again.  He fought his cancer harder than I could have ever done.  He switched between radiation and chemo for about 18 months and went through every treatment like a champ. I would have thrown in the towel months prior, but he kept going. 

He took a downward spiral quickly right before the 4th of July weekend.  Last Thursday, he didn't have very long to live, so at the last minute, I packed our stuff, picked up Sidekick from school, and drove the five hours to say goodbye. When we had gotten to the house, Sidekick and I went into his room.  On the drive up, I had explained that Grandpa was sleeping. As soon as Sidekick saw him, he said, "Grandpa sleeping.  Hi, Grandpa."  My stepdad adored Sidekick so much, and I loved seeing my sweet boy so amazing towards this man just lying there, basically unconscious. Did he know we were there?

The house was full of people:  my sister, my mom's best friend and her daughter, my stepdad's son and his wife, and us.  At times, I'd be with my stepdad alone (or with Sidekick) while other times other people would be with him or we'd all be together.  In such a time of sorrow, we still found time to laugh and made sure that he heard us laughing.  There were times that we had to tell him that it was okay for him to "go" and that we were all okay and all together.  Sidekick told him his loved him and would just quietly sit in my arms while we stood around my stepdad.

This was taken when Sidekick was six weeks old, and we drove five hours to meet my stepdad. 
(I found this picture frame on his dresser.) 

At 5:36 the next morning, my stepdad passed away.  As soon as Sidekick woke up, he said, "Grandpa."  I took him to see Grandpa, and at that point, he was the "same" in Sidekick's eyes as he had been the night prior, so we didn't say much to him.  When his body was finally taken away many hours later, Sidekick went to his room at one point and saw the empty hospital bed.  He said, "Grandpa" in a questioning way. I asked the hospice nurse what I am supposed to tell him, and she said to tell him whatever I believe (but NOT to tell him his was sleeping... which I knew that I would have to change my "story" once he did pass away).  So it quickly made me really think... what do I believe in? 

I read the book Heaven is for Real a few months ago.  Heaven seems like such a wonderful place, and I'd like to believe that it is real.  I'm not a religious person, so I can't fall back on that.  So... what did I tell my two year old?  I told him that Grandpa went bye-bye.  I told him that Grandpa is an angel in heaven which is in the sky. I told him that Grandpa will be watching over us and help us be happy and healthy.  The end.  I hope that is true because I find comfort in thinking that what I told my son might actually be true.

Yesterday we were outside on the deck eating lunch, and out of the blue, Sidekick looked up at the beautiful blue sky, pointed, and said, "Hi, Grandpa!" I just looked at him in such disbelief.  Does he truly understand?  While Sidekick will never remember his Grandpa, he has his Grandpa's first name as his middle name, and I will always tell him how much his Grandpa loved him, and how much he supported me as a SMC.  He was an incredible man, and while I hate the phrase, "He is in a better place" and will never use it, I know that he is no longer suffering, wherever he may be.   

Happy 2nd Birthday, Sidekick!

I can't believe that my little Sidekick is TWO!  Where has the time gone?  The other day on the news, the weather person mentioned that two years ago that day, was the first day of setting a record for the most consecutive triple digits temperature days.  She didn't have to remind me!  I was nine months pregnant and walking my dog at 11:00 PM when it was still in the 90's. I was doing anything to get this baby out of me regardless of how hot it was.

My due date was July 15th, and I was scheduled for induction on the 17th (which I didn't want) because Sidekick was measuring on the big side.  On July 7th, while filling up Dog's water bowl, a trickle ran down my leg.  I was pretty sure I hadn't peed in my pants, yet I was baffled because that didn't seem like enough to be considered my water.  I had plans that night to get a manicure and pedicure and go to dinner as my last hoorah before this little guy arrived.  By about 1:30, I called the doctor to see if maybe it was my water, and he said to go get checked.  With my plans in place for the evening, I had to get this wrapped up quickly.  I grabbed my suitcase and drove myself to the hospital.  I went in and was 2 cm (I was one cm the day before at my weekly appointment).  The doctor couldn't tell if that was my water leaking, so she told me to hang around and walk the halls for an hour.  I called my friend and mom to let them know what was going on, and while talking to my friend, a huge gush occurred. Yep, I was officially in labor and I was staying. 

My stepdad had just had his voice box removed about ten days prior because of cancer, and since he was in a rehab facility for a couple of more days, my mom hopped on a plane and arrived at about 8:00 while my best friend got her family settled and came at 6:30 with blue nail polish in hand t do my pedicure. I was hooked up to the monitor and was having strong contractions that I wasn't feeling at all, which baffled all the nurses.  I finally started pushing at 5:30 AM the next day, and Sidekick finally arrived at 8:48 AM... just shy of 24 hours after my water started leaking.  I was in love (and starving and exhausted) the minute I saw him.  I was so afraid I wouldn't have that connection with him right away, but as soon as he was put in my arms, my entire life changed and I felt love for someone that I have never felt before.

Fast forward two years, and this little guy is better than I could have ever imagined!  He is smart, funny, sweet, and brings me such joy.  I honestly don't have much complaining to do about him because he is better than I could have ever imagined.  He has filled a place in my heart that was empty for so long. 

I decided before his first birthday, that we would release a balloon every year on his birthday in honor of his donor.  Right now it obviously means nothing to him, but to me, it is a way to thank someone who helped me fulfill my dreams. Even though he doesn't understand, I explained to him that we are going to honor his Donor (to which he said "For Donor") and he gracefully let it fly into the sky. I also made a treasure box for him last year.  In it will be a letter written to him every year until I decide to give the box to him.  In each envelope is money for the number of years old he is.  By the time he opens it, there will be a lot of cash for him!  I'm already wondering what I wrote to him last year, but it's something I have looked forward to doing this year as I capture the year in review.

On a sad note, my stepdad who had is voice box removed due to cancer shortly before Sidekick was born is on hospice and only has a couple of days to live. At the last minute, I gave Sidekick my stepdad's first name as his middle name to honor his grandpa. It's sad to think that Sidekick will probably never remember him, but I will always remember to tell Sidekick how much is grandpa loved him and fought two years until his body could not fight any longer.   

Tonight I threw an impromptu party for Sidekick.  The people who love him so much and I consider our family came for cupcakes and ice cream.  As soon as we started singing to him, he wrapped his little arm around me while I was kneeling next to him.  My heart just melted and I even shed a little tear.  My boy is just so sweet and for the first time ever, I felt like he knows we are really a team. 

I am such a lucky woman to call him my son.  Cheers to an incredible two years!

Tears and Reminiscing

Sidekick will be two years old in just two short days.  Where has the time gone?  After I put him to sleep tonight, I went in the trunk where I have of his baby stuff and read through all of the cards I have received since the baby shower.  We were, and always have been, surrounded by such love and support. I've always been amazed at how much people have embraced my little family.

I loved being pregnant and I loved having a newborn.  (I know, many people think I'm crazy.)  I felt so important and special when I was pregnant-- I mean, seriously! I was growing a human being inside me for goodness sakes!  What could be more important than that??? I loved the newness of a newborn and learning about who this little creature that grew inside me for 39 weeks is.  He was full of wonder from the day he was born. He amazed me by his calmness and the way he just looked deep into my soul like he knew something about me that no one knows. 

As I've written before, because of finances, Sidekick will be my only child.  As we are fast approaching the big T-W-O, I am so sad that I will never experience all of that amazing stuff ever again.  Ever!  I want another baby.

So while I gear up to celebrate Sidekick's second birthday, I hope that I can celebrate this amazing little guy, and not dwell on the fact that it's going too fast and I'll never get it back.  It makes me really sad. Ugh! Does anyone else feel that way?  Will it ever go away?

On a side note, Sidekick went to his first parade and had so much fun (and he also got to eat a lollipop for the first time). You'd think he had just discovered gold.  I love this kid!

Welcome Home!

We have been in our new home for one week.  What I thought would be about a four hour move turned into a 6 1/2 hour move.  I guess living on the third floor of my condo slowed the movers down because of the stairs.  What's crazy is that I had already moved all of the closets, kitchen, and most of Sidekick's toys, and it still took that long!  Once the movers got everything loaded on the truck, it was smooth sailing at the new home. 

From our first night here, Sidekick has acted like we've been in this new home his whole life. When I woke him up after our first night here, he looked at me and said in his sleepy, quiet voice, "New home."  When I pick him up from school, he immediately runs to me and says, "New home."  His teachers told me that he always talks about his "new home".  He loves this place and has adjusted perfectly. I couldn't have asked for a better transition.

We went to the "old home" as Sidekick calls it a couple of days ago to pick up something I had shipped to my friend since I wasn't sure where to ship it based on the timing of the move.  Sidekick immediately went up the stairs, knocked on my friend's door, and when it was time to leave, he said "New home" and walked back down the stairs instead of go to our condo.  It's amazing how much this little guy understands. 

We are pretty much unpacked with the exception of boxes of crap that I'd rather throw away than keep.  I've just been procrastinating with unpacking because nothing really has a home.  It's just odds and ends of crap!  We have so much additional space in this new place, and I can't quite figure out where all of this crap was in my 1000 square foot condo, but we have somehow filled up our new home (1700 square feet, a two car garage and a basement). I love all of the space!

Sidekick's birthday is in a few days, and I can't believe he is going to be two!  Although, in his head he's been two for a few months because that's what he's been telling people.  We aren't doing anything special.  I'll pick up a cupcake for him and will put a two candles on it, and I got him a small present.  While he is starting to understand what a birthday party is, he isn't going to have one.  I'll bring cupcakes to school, so he can have a little celebration there and one with me at home. I just don't feel like he needs to have a big fan fair at two years old. Last year I started a tradition with him that I'll carry through every year.  I'll post that and pics next week.  I'm sure I'll reminisce all about his crazy delivery, his awesome two years of life, and how amazing and perfect he is. I am the luckiest Momma in the world.