New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again when the ball drops in Time Square, we welcome the new year, and many are happy to do away with 2010. Some years I am thrilled to get on with a new year and "start over". I had a good year this year, so while I am excited for my hopes and plans in 2011, I am kind of sad to bid adieu to 2010. I started running and ran two half marathons and some smaller races, reconciled with my mom and sister, and blew away my sales goal. Along with the tradition of watching the ball drop and listening to (and trying to sing) "Auld Lang Syne", many of us decide on a resolution or two. Many resolutions are so typical: lose weight, start working out, eat healthier, save more spend less, etc. These resolutions are actually easy to achieve because each and every one of them are in our control. But what about setting a resolution that is essentially out of our control? Is that considered a resolution? If so, my 2011 resolution is to get pregnant! I realize it's pretty bold and ambitious, and I could be setting myself up for failure and sadness. If people ask me, I'm not going to tell them because most people in my life don't know about this plan, but I wonder if something like this can be considered a resolution. Is that silly? While I am excited to really begin the process of having a baby, I am nervous because 1. It might not work and 2. It might work. : ) A year from now, I will either look back at 2011 as a really good year or a really sad year. I am hopeful that 2011 will be a year in which I get to see a positive on the pregnancy test, see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound, and pick out names for real instead of just thinking about them "just in case".

Whether you are happy or sad to say goodbye to 2010, happy new year! May 2011 be a happy and healthy year for all of us! Be safe!

It Takes Very Little to Make me Think Twice...

All it took this time was a really nasty stomach flu. I haven't been that sick in years, and while I felt like killing myself to rid myself of the pain and agony, I thought to myself, "How would I do this with a baby/child?" I was so sick that my poor dog didn't get outside for 15 hours because every time I moved, I vomited! (I'll spare you all of the really nasty details.) Anyway, my dog is a trooper and doesn't need me like a child does, so could I have taken care of a baby/child and myself? I know it is no different than if I was married with a child and my husband happened to be out of town on business when I got the stomach flu, but the last 24 hours sure have made me think long and hard about this big decision. I think I am the only single woman pondering this as much as I am (or at least I feel like I must be). Then sometimes I think I am spending too much time worrying and it may not even get pregnant, and that brings up a whole new can of worms!

Getting Closer to Real if...

... I talk to my friend the embryologist. While I will never do IVF for my own personal reasons/values/beliefs, I would have the doctor with whom my friend works do the IUI because he is so experienced with that procedure. Somehow though talking to her makes everything more real. Not very many people know of my plan, partly because I don't want to be judged for the decisions I make. The friends who do know about this have been very supportive. While I want to have a conversation with my friend the embryologist, I want to make it clear to her that the conversation is between me and her only, and that I don't even want her husband to know. I also choose to tell very few people because why open that can of worms if I never get pregnant? Why talk about it and risk the judgements and opinions if I am never successful?



So, I think the next best step is to talk to my friend the embryologist. I'm really not sure what her reaction will be, so I am taking a risk in sharing this with her. It doesn't make sense not to tell her because I'd feel terrible if she happened to see me in the waiting room and didn't know why I was there. Plus, it would be good to just bounce things off her. For some reason though, this whole plan of mine becomes more real if I have that conversation with her. I don't know why because it doesn't really make me any closer to the procedure, but the conversation with her does make it more real than it ever has felt. I have a timeline in my head for everything, so I have to start getting my ducks in a row if I am really going to do this. I just hope that I trust that this will stay between her and me. I'll deal with telling people IF I am blessed to get pregnant but certainly not before. It'll be a test to see who my true friends are.

I guess it's time to see when my embryologist friend can get together with me to talk.

"It" has a Name!

I have learned by doing research that having a child on my own via a sperm donor actually has a name. No, the name isn't "crazy" or "ridiculous". I am what "they" call a Single Mother by Choice (SMC- it even has an acronym!). Right now I am a "thinker" because it is something I am considering doing. There are also "tryers" who are currently trying to get pregnant or adopt. Will I ever be a "tryer"? Maybe. Hopefully. I have ordered a couple of books about being a SMC, and I look forward to reading them and learning more. If anything, I hope it gives me the confidence to do this. My plan is to try in May of 2011, and while that seems far away, it seems too close and makes me nervous!

The Dream

Last night I had a very vivid dream that seemed so real. I hate the ones where I am kind of sad when I wake up because it was all just a dream:

I was driving in my car with my baby girl. No one in my family knew that I had had her (let alone that I was pregnant). We drove to my sister's house. I left my baby in the car for a few minutes while I was talking to my sister at the front door. I then told her I had something to show her, and I went to my car to get my baby. Even with this baby in front of her, she couldn't get past the unconventional way I did things and decided to tell me what she thought. Here was her sweet, beautiful niece in front of her, and she had to tell me what a bad decision I had made. My mom on the other hand took it better, but I didn't tell her until I met her at a store and needed to pick up things for my baby, so she was obviously shocked by the surprise. She seemed to roll with the punches much better than my sister as we walked around the store getting baby supplies.

It's interesting how much I take my real life to sleep with me at night. Things played out in my dream the way I fear things will in real life with regards to people's reactions. All I keep thinking about is that for a few minutes in my dream, I had a baby girl, and I was thrilled and proud. I know there will be people in my life who will disagree with what I am doing, but I can't let that stop me from fulfilling my dreams. If people don't like what I am doing, then clearly they are not my friends, nor do they really know who I am and what I am capabable of doing. Maybe I am entirely wrong about how people will react, but all I can focus on is that I yearn for a child, and I cannot imagine my life without one.

Trial Run... Sort of! (Okay, not really close at all.)

My 3 1/2 year old nephew had 2/3 of his kidney removed the week of Thanksgiving, so I went to Florida to take care of my older nephew while the little one was in the hospital. While I was only responsible for keeping the six year old alive for three days, it was good practice to see what it would feel like to be a single mom. All in all, it was pretty easy, but he is six and fairly independent so it wasn't a real indication of how things would be. He did however make it seem very real when he fought me on teeth brusing, washing his hands well before meals especially after being at the hospital, and throwing a temper tantrum or two. Oh yeah! How can I forget that he likes to wake up at 6:15 AM! Yikes! On the other hand, what made me kind of sad was when he said to me while we were sitting down to dinner, "I'm six years old now. When are you going to get married? It's been long enough." What's going to happen when he might get a cousin but that cousin will not be accompanied by a father?

So my easy going life where I am responsible for myself and my dog was turned a little upside down for a week. It made me think even more than I am already thinking... can I have a child on my own? The answer still remains "yes" even though I have some trepidation. Who doesn't have crazy thoughts and fears about having a child? Mine might be a little worse because it would be just me responsible for a little one. But keeping my nephew safe, making sure he ate well, ensuring that he was happy, and tucking him in at night were things that make me want to have a child. While it was exhausting and I needed to recouperate when I got home, my life just didn't seem worthwhile when I napped on my sofa the day after I got home. That's got to mean something, right?

Can We Trust Psychics?

Okay, so I admit it. I went to a psychic. I thought it would be a fun thing to do for my birthday. While it was fun, I was saddened by something she said. The first thing she said was that I needed to get my car looked at. I was a bit freaked out as the check engine light had been on for months! After that, she said I would not have any pregnancies. That broke my heart! I think I wanted to go to her to hear that I was going to have kids, and there I sat being told I wouldn't. She did, however, tell me that I would meet a guy named Brad next year, and that he would be the guy I would marry. She saw the actual ring. That should make me happy because I will find my Prince Charming, right? Nope! I kept focusing on the fact that there were no pregnancies in my future, and that made me sad. She got other things right which make me fear that maybe she is a good psychic, but I am determined to prove her wrong. I will show her that I will be pregnant! But just in case she is right, I have started Plan "C" which is looking into adoption. I don't want to waste time trying to get pregnant on my own and then if it doesn't work, starting the adoption process. It makes sense to me to get the ball rolling on both. I wonder why things sometimes seem so difficult in my life...

Obesssed with Budget

I've always been a person who is very aware of how much money I make, and I how much money I can spend. If I can't pay cash for it, then I don't buy it. I save money like a crazy person and contribute a lot to my 401K. When thinking about this potential baby of mine, I begin to freak out when I realize that I won't be able to save as much money, and I freak out that I won't be able to make ends meet. I've looked into the price of daycares which is quite expensive and makes me think twice about this plan. If I send my child to daycare, then I  might have to tap into my savings every month, and that makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I don't want to have to alter my way of life because I can't afford to do the things I want to do all because I had a baby. To me, that's not the way I want to live. I've decided to begin saving every month for daycare in a separate account so that when and if I get pregnant, I'll be ahead of the game with regards to paying for daycare.  That takes the pressure off me a little bit.

A few friends know about this potential adventure of mine, and one in particular always makes me see that it is very much possible to do this financially. She brought up the idea of in-home daycare. When looking into prices, my fear and worry was eased. I can do this! I can afford in-home daycare! The idea of having a baby on my own is back on! I'm sure that in a day or so (or even within the next hour), the plan of having a baby will be off again. This is a tough decision in so many ways, and I want to make sure this is the right thing for me and my baby. I think I might be putting too much thought and effort into this far more than any married couple, but with two parents, things seem so much easier in a lot of ways. The thought process continues.

Decisions, Decisions

There comes a time in a woman's life when she must give up on her Plan A and move on to Plan B. Plan A for me was to find a great guy, get married, and have children, which has always been a dream of mine. Unfortunately, as I am two days away from turning 37, that just hasn't happened for me. Maybe Plan A is not in the cards for me, and while that is difficult to swallow, I think it's time to move on to Plan B. I've been giving this a lot of thought (almost a year now), and I think it is time I take my fate in my own hands and have a child... sans father. It's 2010-- women do these kinds of things now, so while I know it's not the norm and could be seen as the wrong thing, I think it might be more accepted now than ten years ago. It may be unconventional, but welcome to my journey!