There are times when I am wildly happy and in love with my son while feeling sad at the same time, and now is one of those times. What's that all about? It doesn't make sense. While I'm happier since Sidekick was born than I have been in a very long time, I find myself yearning for something more, and I can't quite put my finger on it. I've accepted the fact (as best as I can) that Sidekick will not have a sibling (if I stay single because I don't want to worry about finances). Is that my "problem"? I want to have another baby so badly. My best friend moved out of state. Is that contributing? I had a huge work load put on my shoulders and that is stressing me out as there are some big expectations for me. Is that making me feel out of sorts? Sometimes I really miss having a boyfriend and companionship and online dating is not going well. Is that playing into this? Don't get me wrong, there are bonuses to just being responsible for myself and my son because I don't have a third "thing" (relationship) to worry about. Days are so crazy busy and I'm always on autopilot, but once Sidekick goes to sleep, lately I find myself feeling lonely in the quiet of my home. I'm not one to talk to people about things like this, so I guess I'll just put it out there in the blog universe. I'm hoping it's a funk that will pass quickly. In the meantime, I'll keep going because I don't have a choice. I can't lay in my bed and feel gloomy because my sweet little Sidekick relies on me for everything. I love him so much, but I want to love him without having an inkling of sadness surrounding me. I hate feeling this way.
(Sorry for the rambling entry that doesn't make much sense.)
I feel like lonely often, missing the romantic type of relationship... and also "loneliness being the human condition" and all that.
ReplyDeleteThe things you mentioned are not little things--they are fairly big losses/stresses. I think it is perfectly normal to feel a bit sad when faced with any one of those situations. Also, I think being tired (as all of us moms are) makes it harder to fight off gloomy feelings.
ReplyDeleteOf course this is just my two cents but I just think you should give yourself a break and find ways to keep taking care of you.
I feel like over the years I dedicated so much effort and time to become teacher/debt free/homeowner/a mom that it really did take over a lot of my thoughts. Now that all those goals have been attained, I'm sometimes unsure what my new goal/project should be. I have a restless feeling too, like I should be doing more but not quite sure what "more" is just yet.
ReplyDeleteThank you, ladies, for your support! I'm glad to know that this "funk" is justified. I love connecting with others in the cyber world!
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