Trial Run... Sort of! (Okay, not really close at all.)

My 3 1/2 year old nephew had 2/3 of his kidney removed the week of Thanksgiving, so I went to Florida to take care of my older nephew while the little one was in the hospital. While I was only responsible for keeping the six year old alive for three days, it was good practice to see what it would feel like to be a single mom. All in all, it was pretty easy, but he is six and fairly independent so it wasn't a real indication of how things would be. He did however make it seem very real when he fought me on teeth brusing, washing his hands well before meals especially after being at the hospital, and throwing a temper tantrum or two. Oh yeah! How can I forget that he likes to wake up at 6:15 AM! Yikes! On the other hand, what made me kind of sad was when he said to me while we were sitting down to dinner, "I'm six years old now. When are you going to get married? It's been long enough." What's going to happen when he might get a cousin but that cousin will not be accompanied by a father?

So my easy going life where I am responsible for myself and my dog was turned a little upside down for a week. It made me think even more than I am already thinking... can I have a child on my own? The answer still remains "yes" even though I have some trepidation. Who doesn't have crazy thoughts and fears about having a child? Mine might be a little worse because it would be just me responsible for a little one. But keeping my nephew safe, making sure he ate well, ensuring that he was happy, and tucking him in at night were things that make me want to have a child. While it was exhausting and I needed to recouperate when I got home, my life just didn't seem worthwhile when I napped on my sofa the day after I got home. That's got to mean something, right?

Can We Trust Psychics?

Okay, so I admit it. I went to a psychic. I thought it would be a fun thing to do for my birthday. While it was fun, I was saddened by something she said. The first thing she said was that I needed to get my car looked at. I was a bit freaked out as the check engine light had been on for months! After that, she said I would not have any pregnancies. That broke my heart! I think I wanted to go to her to hear that I was going to have kids, and there I sat being told I wouldn't. She did, however, tell me that I would meet a guy named Brad next year, and that he would be the guy I would marry. She saw the actual ring. That should make me happy because I will find my Prince Charming, right? Nope! I kept focusing on the fact that there were no pregnancies in my future, and that made me sad. She got other things right which make me fear that maybe she is a good psychic, but I am determined to prove her wrong. I will show her that I will be pregnant! But just in case she is right, I have started Plan "C" which is looking into adoption. I don't want to waste time trying to get pregnant on my own and then if it doesn't work, starting the adoption process. It makes sense to me to get the ball rolling on both. I wonder why things sometimes seem so difficult in my life...

Obesssed with Budget

I've always been a person who is very aware of how much money I make, and I how much money I can spend. If I can't pay cash for it, then I don't buy it. I save money like a crazy person and contribute a lot to my 401K. When thinking about this potential baby of mine, I begin to freak out when I realize that I won't be able to save as much money, and I freak out that I won't be able to make ends meet. I've looked into the price of daycares which is quite expensive and makes me think twice about this plan. If I send my child to daycare, then I  might have to tap into my savings every month, and that makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I don't want to have to alter my way of life because I can't afford to do the things I want to do all because I had a baby. To me, that's not the way I want to live. I've decided to begin saving every month for daycare in a separate account so that when and if I get pregnant, I'll be ahead of the game with regards to paying for daycare.  That takes the pressure off me a little bit.

A few friends know about this potential adventure of mine, and one in particular always makes me see that it is very much possible to do this financially. She brought up the idea of in-home daycare. When looking into prices, my fear and worry was eased. I can do this! I can afford in-home daycare! The idea of having a baby on my own is back on! I'm sure that in a day or so (or even within the next hour), the plan of having a baby will be off again. This is a tough decision in so many ways, and I want to make sure this is the right thing for me and my baby. I think I might be putting too much thought and effort into this far more than any married couple, but with two parents, things seem so much easier in a lot of ways. The thought process continues.

Decisions, Decisions

There comes a time in a woman's life when she must give up on her Plan A and move on to Plan B. Plan A for me was to find a great guy, get married, and have children, which has always been a dream of mine. Unfortunately, as I am two days away from turning 37, that just hasn't happened for me. Maybe Plan A is not in the cards for me, and while that is difficult to swallow, I think it's time to move on to Plan B. I've been giving this a lot of thought (almost a year now), and I think it is time I take my fate in my own hands and have a child... sans father. It's 2010-- women do these kinds of things now, so while I know it's not the norm and could be seen as the wrong thing, I think it might be more accepted now than ten years ago. It may be unconventional, but welcome to my journey!