Looking for a Good Number

I met with the reproductive endocrinologist last Thursday. While I sat there listening to the odds, I began feeling a little hopeless. He did not paint a very pretty picture for me, and while I told him I appreciated his honesty, I was still a little sad. My percentage of achieving a pregnancy doing a natural IUI cycle (no drugs) is 8%. If I do hormone injections, it goes up to 15%. While I don't want to chance multiple pregnancies, this option is not something I want to start with. He explained that most people choose the drug option, and that I was definitely in the minority. If I wanted to continue with my plan, he told me the next step would be to do an ultrasound and look at my follicles. I asked him what a good number of follicles would be and he said he'd be happy with ten.

After I met with him, I visited my friend who works there. She asked me where I was in my cycle, and since I was in the right timeframe for the ultrasound, she asked the woman who does scheduling if I could be squeezed in that day. I did some work, and for two hours while waiting for my appointment, I worried that this plan of my could come to a screeching hault after the ultrasound. To say I was nervous/worried was an understatement, but I just wanted to know. The doctor came into the room, and I suddenly realized that that was the moment that would determine if there would be a next step. While doing the ultrasound, he pointed out the follicles. I got excited when I saw them because I saw a lot. I got more excited when he told me I had 15-20, and that he wasn't going to count all of them. He said he'd be happy with ten, and I doubled that! I was thrilled, and so proud of my good old ovaries because they were actually cooperating.

After my ultrasound, I talked to my friend who works there and told her the good news. We talked about the options (drugs vs. no drugs), and I might be a little more open if I'm not successful with a natural cycle after a few tries. Like my OBGYN, this doctor thought if it didn't happen in four natural cycles, then I'd have to do "intervention". My friend then told me the goods news... I have unlimited IUI cycles through my insurance! Evidently I have great insurance, and even IVF is covered.

It was a day filled with great news, and a day closer to my dream. I believe I will get pregnant with a natural cycle. Eight percent is low, but people my age get pregnant all the time, and from all tests done so far, I see no reason this can't happen. On the other hand, the odds are so stacked against me that I am super nervous. I just don't want to get my hopes up, but this is something I want so badly, and I can't imagine not bringing a child into this world. It's going to be a rollercoaster, but I'm ready for the ride!

Everyone's on Board!

The final person I had to tell was my mom. I had a feeling she would be okay with this, but I had no idea how ecstatic she would be! One would have thought that I had called to tell her I actually had a baby. Anyway, she said she's never had a problem with anyone having a baby on her own, and that I will for sure be able to make it work. She reminded me that years ago, she said she would take me to a sperm bank if I wanted to go this route. She was surprised to learn that the sperm bank now comes to me in the comforts of my own home via the internet.

I read the profiles of my final two donors, and she picked the front runner that my friends, sister, and I picked out last weekend. When she saw the picture of when he was a child, that sealed the deal. Have I found my donor?

As we were ending our three hour call, I happened to walk past the TV that was on but the volume was down. The names of guests for a late night talk show were appearing on the screen, and Grayson Chance appeared. That's my boy's name! (I had to Google him because I had no idea who he is.) It was very creepy and as I told my mom, she said, "That's your sign!" Is this actually going to work? If so, I guess I'll be having a boy. : )

"Pick my Baby's Donor" Party!

Last night my good friends and I got together to Pick my Baby's Donor! My sister participated via Skype to join in the adventure. I first went to wine tasting where I got to design my own wine label to launch the momentous occasion. I sure hope that in a year or so, we'll be drinking that wine celebrating instead of me throwing it off my balcony and watching it break into a million pieces.

We hooked up the computer to my projector and launched the website on the wall so we all had a good view. With pizza in our bellies, wine at our sides, and chocolate cake and ice cream waiting for us in the kitchen, we began the long process while sitting comfortably on sofas. (My sister had wine along with a piece of string cheese at her side and stolen chocolate from my nephews. A preview of my life to come, she informed me.)

I'm not so sure any of us imagined what a challenge this would be. At one point we had to remind ourselves that we are not searching for a husband or a "real" daddy, but just someone whose sperm I will buy. : ) I was surprised at how difficult it was to find the "right" one. After looking at a lot of profiles, I finally bit the bullet and paid to get the additional information. All along, I have been one who believed that the way he looks isn't as important as who he is. After all, I was reminded that I am the one who will shape my child as he/she grows, so it might be more important than I think to pick someone whose appearance won't hurt my eyes. I agree, but I still want good qualities/genes in a person to make up who my child is. After much discussion, I paid the money to get additional information... mainly baby/young child pictures. Once we were able to see pictures, we immediately loved each donor a little more or a little less. While I don't consider myself very superficial, I have to admit that seeing pictures helped a lot.

After a few hours, it seemed as if we didn't get very far. While we narrowed to three strong contenders and five runners up, I knew that I wouldn't have THE one picked out going into this last night, but I was hoping to get down to two or three. No such luck. So the question is, how in world do I choose my baby's daddy? With refreshed eyes and a calm/cleared head, I will look at my five contenders again ( and again and again) in hopes that something I see helps me narrow my choices down one by one. The good news is I've got some great potential daddy sperm for my baby. The bad news is I've got too many from which to choose.

P.S. If you can't read the wine label, it reads: Plan B A Toast to Hope and Chance 2011. (Hope and Chance are the middles names I have chosen for my baby.)

All Systems Go!

Two big things happened yesterday: I told my sister what I am doing, and I went to my OBGYN to talk to her. The result... good things on both accounts!

My doctor told me that there appears to be no reason why I can't get pregnant. She recommends no drugs (which is the way I want it to be) because at this point, there should be no reason to need them. It's freaky when I think about how quickly I will have to pull the trigger to make this happen. I will go in for an ultrasound on day 11 and every day after until my follicles are the right size. At the right time, I will do an hCG shot to force the egg to release. I will then order the donor sperm, have it shipped overnight, and go in 24 hours after the shot to have my IUI. Wow! I think I'm going to feel like this will be a shot gun baby! We will attempt this four times. If I am unsuccesful getting pregnant, then I would have the opportunity to intervene with drugs. My doctor understands that doing that is not something I will consider, so I've got four tries to make this happen!

The other big news is that I finally told my sister. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had imagined it to be. She wasn't that surprised because I had mentioned doing this in passing years ago, and while she got silent to take it all in, she was excited and supportive about this adventure. I think the idea of being an aunt is exciting to her. I know how much I love being an aunt, and while I am my nephews' favorite aunt (pretty much because I am the only one in their lives), she will be my baby's favorite aunt as well (okay, because she will be the only aunt!). She told me that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, and that I'll never look back and wonder "what if". She gets it.

I've been trying to decide if I will tell people when I am actually doing this. I don't like the idea of people pretty much knowing the anticipated day of peeing on a stick and waiting for those results. My sister told me she wants to know, so if I choose to tell people, she will be one of them. The thought of waiting those long days wondering if it was successful without anyone knowing sounds agonizing! It's funny though because I don't know exactly when people have sex when they conceived their children, so it seems strange that they will know precisely the moment when, the location where, and position in which : ) I conceived.

While talking to my sister, I said that I had never been so sure about doing something, and those words really made this seem like this is without a doubt the right thing. All systems go!

Confusion with Ovulation

How difficult can it be to read an ovulation test? Yesterday I thought I got a positive. I was kind of shocked and excited since I just went off the pill. When I happened to look at the instructions again, it said the second line should be equal or darker to the first line. I'm not sure it was. I tried again today, and there wasn't a line. WTH? Was it a positive yesterday, and my window of opportunity has closed over 24 hours? (Not that it matters because I was only doing this to see if/when I ovulate.) Have I not ovulated yet? Who would have thought this would be so difficult? I guess I will try tomorrow to see what happens. I know, it's a cliff hanger. : )

Moving Right Along

Bloodwork has to be timed perfectly. Because my out of town meeing was cancelled, I was able to get my blood drawn on the "perfect" day. I have made an appointment with my OBGYN one week before I meet with the reproductive endocrinologist. While discussing this with a friend, we decided it make sense that my doctor know of my plans, and perhaps IUIs will be covered by insurance through her. If so, why not start the process with her? When I talked to her nurse about getting that bloodwork called in, I explained that I am meeting with both doctors to see what they advise. She asked me if I had been trying to get pregnant for long and my response was, "No, I have been trying to find a husband/daddy for too long." She laughed and reassured me that there are a lot of "me" out there. It made me feel better and not so abnormal. Somehow the fact that I have taken some big steps recently doesn't really freak me out. I'm excited for what will hopefully occur later this year. I keep reminding myself that at least I will never wonder "what if".

The Launch...

Well, I've taken a big step! As of yesterday, I have stopped taking the pill. Yikes! I've been on the pill for years, and I wonder how my body will respond now that I do not plan on taking it anymore. Also, I have scheduled an appointment next month to have a consultation with the doctor who will (hopefully) do my IUI. I am hopeful that my OB/GYN will call in an order for bloodwork ahead of time so I can get that part over with before I meet with the other doctor. I will also begin tracking my ovulation (I hope I actually ovulate!) to help with the timing of things. While I have been searching sperm banks, I don't plan on paying for more information about the donors until after I meet with the doctor and he tells me this is all a go. I have saved some based on basic information, but won't waste time or money if this is not possible for some strange reason. Things seem to be moving quickly now and my head is spinning. I know that I don't plan on doing the actual IUI for a few months, but getting my ducks in a row is making this all so real, and since time flies, the actual first try will be here before I know it!

One Small Step Closer

I had lunch with my embryologist friend today. I had emailed her asking her if she could meet me for lunch because I wanted to talk to her about something. Due to my schedule, we met two weeks later, and I therefore left her hanging. When I finally broached the subject with her, she said she had an idea that this was going to be our conversation. It helped a lot to talk to her because she gave me some suggestions about what I need to do right now. I thought I'd have to make an appointment to see the doctor soon. She recommended I go off the pill and wait a few cycles to see if I still have a regular cycle like I did before going on the pill. That never even crossed my mind. She also explained what this whole process entails and had opinions on sperm banks that I was looking into. So... I'm off to really get going with this process! Even though it's not actually going to happen for a few months, I'm getting my ducks in a row. This is exciting, but I am getting scared of the reality of the whole thing.

New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again when the ball drops in Time Square, we welcome the new year, and many are happy to do away with 2010. Some years I am thrilled to get on with a new year and "start over". I had a good year this year, so while I am excited for my hopes and plans in 2011, I am kind of sad to bid adieu to 2010. I started running and ran two half marathons and some smaller races, reconciled with my mom and sister, and blew away my sales goal. Along with the tradition of watching the ball drop and listening to (and trying to sing) "Auld Lang Syne", many of us decide on a resolution or two. Many resolutions are so typical: lose weight, start working out, eat healthier, save more spend less, etc. These resolutions are actually easy to achieve because each and every one of them are in our control. But what about setting a resolution that is essentially out of our control? Is that considered a resolution? If so, my 2011 resolution is to get pregnant! I realize it's pretty bold and ambitious, and I could be setting myself up for failure and sadness. If people ask me, I'm not going to tell them because most people in my life don't know about this plan, but I wonder if something like this can be considered a resolution. Is that silly? While I am excited to really begin the process of having a baby, I am nervous because 1. It might not work and 2. It might work. : ) A year from now, I will either look back at 2011 as a really good year or a really sad year. I am hopeful that 2011 will be a year in which I get to see a positive on the pregnancy test, see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound, and pick out names for real instead of just thinking about them "just in case".

Whether you are happy or sad to say goodbye to 2010, happy new year! May 2011 be a happy and healthy year for all of us! Be safe!

It Takes Very Little to Make me Think Twice...

All it took this time was a really nasty stomach flu. I haven't been that sick in years, and while I felt like killing myself to rid myself of the pain and agony, I thought to myself, "How would I do this with a baby/child?" I was so sick that my poor dog didn't get outside for 15 hours because every time I moved, I vomited! (I'll spare you all of the really nasty details.) Anyway, my dog is a trooper and doesn't need me like a child does, so could I have taken care of a baby/child and myself? I know it is no different than if I was married with a child and my husband happened to be out of town on business when I got the stomach flu, but the last 24 hours sure have made me think long and hard about this big decision. I think I am the only single woman pondering this as much as I am (or at least I feel like I must be). Then sometimes I think I am spending too much time worrying and it may not even get pregnant, and that brings up a whole new can of worms!