Thursday, December 19, 2013

Just Breathe

I can honestly say that there have been very few times since Sidekick was born 17 months ago that I have felt very overwhelmed, exhausted, or feeling like everything is "unfinished" and for that, I am so grateful.  The downside of that is when I am truly feeling the above, it hits me like a ton of bricks.  I am currently feeling all of the above.

I've previously written about my job, and that has finally gotten figured out.  I am an account executive for the entire state (kind of a different "division" than the other account executives in my state).  Sadly, one of the account executives who has the most populated part of the state went on long term disability in August because he has ALS and it has progressed so rapidly.  We know he's not going to come back, but he is trying to get as much insurance as he can, hence the long term disability.  Since I was well above my sales goal, my manager asked me to "cover" his territory which added to my workload.  I accepted the challenge and did well with it, but doing the job of two people has been tough. 

When the company did a reorganization, one account executive from a different division was basically moved into my territory... the territory where I am currently sitting at 154% of my sales goal  WTF, right?  No one told me or my manager.  I found out through the grapevine.  Whatever.  I continued doing my current job (not with the best attitude) which won't be my job come January 1st and covering the other territory all without knowing where my job would be.   There had been discussion to divide the territory I'm currently covering amongst two other account executives which then leaves me, the one at 154% of my sales goal, without a job! All along, I was "reassured" that there would be a job for me SOMEWHERE, and I was afraid I would be forced to move.  In the end, four long weeks later, I was given the territory that I am currently covering because as we have always known, that account executive will not be coming back.  Let me just say that I did not want this territory for many reasons, so I am not voluntarily embracing this news as of yet.  I loved my "current" territory.  While my new territory is much smaller which is nice, it's also a feast or famine territory, and one big loss (I'm in sales) could really hurt me.  Nothing like that kind of pressure looming over my head day in and day out.  I hate that.

Back to where I began... I'm exhausted, spent, burnt out, and feeling like I'm never on top of things.  I've been done with Christmas presents for a couple of months. I've always been that way.  I start shopping way in advance so I don't feel the pressure of it all, including the financial aspect.  I've already set up a precedence that Christmas will not be out of control, and I'll stick to it.  Sidekick is getting three small presents from me/Santa and two books for his stocking.  He'll get stuff from my sister and Mom, but I've requested that they keep it simple, even though my sister doesn't with her kids.  I hate that Christmas is so commercial. I do. I think it's just natural that for whatever reason, the holidays make people stressed. 

Back to where I began... I'm exhausted, spent,... have I already written that?  Haha!  We are leaving town for Christmas and my entire immediate family will be together (we all live in different states).  I'm a bit stressed about flying with Sidekick and keeping him occupied, packing, travelling, etc. 

Finally, this little guy is wearing me out!!!  I've never felt this run down... really. I'm tired of people telling me that Sidekick is so good.  I'm not denying that at all, but doing it by myself in addition to laundry, cleaning, shopping, working, etc. is exhausting.  Period!  He is one busy little dude, and he never stops. 

In between all of the daily grind, I need to find time to go to physical therapy for my two bulged discs and SI joint problem and find time to work out.  Yep!  I am stretched too thin, and I need a break.

I realize this is a whiny post, and I apologize.  Married people don't get it, and a lot of people who read this are single and get it.  My home is a mess (not normal), I can barely stay up past 10:00 (not normal), and I find myself getting impatient with stupid things (like why must that woman who lives on the other side of my building park on my side of the building and take up a parking spot).

I am so hoping being with my family and my nephews who are older than Sidekick and love to play with him, will give me a little break.  I have got to pull myself together and regroup because I'm kind of feeling lost among the chaos called "life".

I love Sidekick and through the stress and exhaustion, I've never once regretted being a SMC.  It's still the best thing I've ever done, and I know this too shall pass. 


  1. I hear you. It is hard to be in tune with a child when there are all the other stressors floating around in our heads. I hope you are able to have a wonderful vacation!

  2. I get it. I really do. I promise you that you will "regroup" and find yourself once again. The chaos won't last. Once, at a very physically exhausting point in my motherhood journey, I told myself that I had reserves of strength that had previously been unknown and untapped. You have those reserves too.