Monday, July 18, 2011

Such Trying Times...

It's been quite some time since I updated my blog.  Since I don't update during the TWW, I am limited as to when I can write in my blog.  I've had several IUIs... all to no avail.

I went into the TTC chapter of my life thinking that it'll happen (with just a bit of fear/worry that it wouldn't).  I am sitting at my desk wondering if I should throw in the towel now and stop fighting for my dream to be a mother.  I don't think I ever fully realized how emotionally draining this is.  Lately I seem to be fighting back tears any time I think about it because I'm tired of getting BFNs.  I am emotionally spent.  My heart breaks every time it doesn't work.  While one might look at this as making me a strong person, I have to wonder if being a mother is even in the cards for me.  I am at a point where I need to decide if I am done trying or if I am willing to go against my beliefs and do some type of medicated cycle.  While IVF is off the table for me, adding some medication to help boost my chances of a successful IUI are an option even though it goes against everything I believe.  I never thought I'd be in this predicament.  I was so hopeful that I'd be pregnant by now.  I'm tired of my life literally revolving around a calendar and counting the days leading up to ovulation or DPO.  It sucks.  It sucks badly!  I want a baby, and for some reason I can't seem to make one.  It's the emptiest feeling and indescribable for anyone who has never been in my shoes.

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