Friday, June 3, 2011

The Rollercoaster Ride has Sadly Ended

Like my first IUI, I wrote about second IUI.  Unlike the first IUI, I will not copy and paste it all into my blog because unfortunately I miscarried very early into my pregnancy.  I don't want to remember all of the details of what happened especially since I was so happy and excited through the majority of the time I wrote about it.  I was so confident that it was going to work the minute I walked into the RE's office. Everything seemed very different the second time around, so I was sure it would be successful.  I wasn't sick at all after giving myself the trigger shot which was great because I made it through the dreaded TWW feeling well.  I know the precise moment the embryo implanted because I had just a little bit of spotting at the "right" time.  I remember exactly when my main pregnancy symptom subsided because while walking my dog, my boobs seemed to have suddenly deflated and stopped hurting.  I remember the drastic drop in my BBT the next day and then the horrible bleeding that began shortly after my morning got started.  I remember the excrutiating, painful cramps that overtook my body while I was out working with my customers. I remember calling Meggan in tears to tell her I thought I was losing my baby even though she didn't know I was pregnant (imagine her confusion). I remember how horrible I felt thinking that I caused the miscarriage because I was really stressed about work one day or because I had a foot massage when I got a pedicure. 

I had a chemical pregnancy very early on, and it was explained to me that shortly after implantation, my uterus kicked the embyro out.  I realize that a miscarriage weeds out the unhealthy babies, but that still doesn't help 100% when realizing  that I did actually conceive a baby and lost it.  I find hope in the fact that I actually got pregnant, so I know my "plumbing" works.  I find hope in the realization that I timed everything right with regards to the trigger which I thought was so off the first time.  While I find hope, I am so scared to do this again.  It's so difficult to go through this because I've got one chance with donor sperm while a couple can try for several days to maximize their chances.  I fear for another miscarriage.  I fear for another failed attempt.  But at the same time, I forge on because that is the only thing that will make my dream come true. 

Meggan and the girls on that Facebook page are the only ones who know I had a chemical pregnancy (and anyone who reads this blog like my sister), and at this moment I plan to keep it this way. This is the exact reason why I made it very clear to my friends and family that I wouldn't tell them anything until I get my BFP.   I grieve for my first baby, and I have removed myself from my world for a little bit while I recover emotionally and physically.

While I emotionally, mentally, and physically prepare for IUI #3, I hope and pray that the third try really is the charm because I'm not so sure how many more times I can do this.  I was much more invested with IUI #2 and much more attached to it because I was so sure it was going to work.  I need to find that hope and confidence once again to ensure that my baby will stick next time.  It is time for me to move on...

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