Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm Back (for a little while anyway)...

While my first attempt did not result in a happy ending, I nonetheless kept track of it...

Today is supposed to be Day One of my period. I have always been right on schedule before the pill, during the pill, and after going off the pill. The one time in my cycle that I needed things to go right with my period, they don’t. I am freaking out a bit because I may end up needing my IUI over the weekend now that I am “late”, and I’m not sure if they work on the weekends. This is frustrating!

It’s a new day, and it’s another day without my period. I feel like my body is playing games with me, and I don’t want to play. What if it’s a sign that I shouldn’t be doing this because it’s not going to work? The more I focus on thinking this way, the more stressed I get and that is a bad thing for me right now. I’m afraid that the day I ovulate will now occur on the weekend, and the doctor doesn’t work on the weekends unless they are in cycle. My friend, the embryologist, said that my doctor won’t jeopardize my cycle just because the IUI might fall on a weekend. I’m making myself sick and crazy, and I can’t take it. Just breathe…

I finally got my period, and while I was happy, I had a bit of a curve ball thrown at me. My sports medicine doctor has been trying to figure out why my feet/ankles keep getting as injured as they have. He asked if I had even had my hormone levels checked and coincidentally I have! We discovered that while my testosterone is in the normal range for conceiving a child, it is on the low side when it comes to how my body responds to trauma (running). Low-normal testosterone can lead to bone fractures and tendon/ligament issues which is what I have been dealing with for over one year. With approval from my RE, I will be applying a testosterone cream daily. I was nervous that this might slow down my plan of trying to get pregnant. According to the nurse at my doctor’s office this cream is supposed to help me feel so much better. I didn’t know I felt terrible aside from my feet issues. She explained that I’ll sleep better which will be nice because it always takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. Anyway, perhaps my doctor is on to something. He has always felt that my feet issues are a result of something internal, and perhaps this is the missing piece to the puzzle.

I am scheduled to go in for my follicle study tomorrow which will be day 11. I wasn’t feeling “right” today, so I decided to buy and OPK. There was a faint positive which kind of freaked me out because it’s so early in my cycle. I’ve been in touch with the RN at my RE’s office, and she said I’m okay to wait until tomorrow as planned. I’m kind of freaked out because I wonder if I might now do the IUI without the trigger shot. The RN told me it would be a first if I did an IUI tomorrow with no trigger because it is so soon. I told her there’s always a first and that I tend to defy the odds. So, I will do the OPK again to see if the line is stronger. It’s really hard to believe that tomorrow could be the day (even though the RN said that it most likely isn’t). I’m getting really nervous!

On another note, my mom has been asking me for a detailed account of what I have been doing every day. It makes me laugh because I won’t give in to her silly games! She tries, but I always win. She reminded me one time that I was the one who didn’t tell her I got my period for the first time until several months after I actually got it. She never knew. Tonight when I was talking to her, I let it slip that I had been in the doctor’s office. I think I may have covered it up. My friend, Meggan, told me that she sometimes wonders if I have had it done. We talk daily, so I know it’s always in the back of her head.

I gave myself the hCG injection today. It wasn’t a fraction as bad as I thought it would be. It’s hard to believe that I might get pregnant 48 hours from now. I have a feeling that this isn’t going to work first time around. It’s not that I am being negative because I’d be thrilled if this was successful after the first try, but I guess I’m being realistic since the odds are against me. I’m also a bit concerned with the timing of things. For some reason I think my doctor is doing it too late, but I can’t question him because this is what he does for a living. I can’t even begin to think of how the TWW is going to be. I have plenty of HPTs to try out, and I know that I’ll test sooner than I should. I think I may be addicted to needing to know, and testing (even if it is too soon) will feed my addiction. : )

I have been so sick all day! I swear I feel like I am pregnant even though I haven’t had the IUI. I am so sick to my stomach and my abdomen (ovaries) really hurts. I’m fearful that we missed my window and that I have already ovulated a long time ago. It’ll really bum me out because as I wrote yesterday, I felt like I was doing the trigger too soon. I sure hope that my RE and nurse are right with the timing because this sick feeling is really horrible, and I wonder how many times I can do it.

I went to my doctor to make sure everything still looks okay because of the pain I was having. He explained that the nausea can be due to the increase of hormones as a result of the hCG injection. He also said the right ovary could be hurting because of referred pain in the left ovary which is the one that is ovulating or because there was fluid in? around? it. I have actually ovulated, so I am scheduled to get my IUI in 50 minutes. I am really nervous because my life could change so drastically in a matter of one hour! Part of me is convinced that the timing is “off” so this isn’t going to work. I feel like I have missed my window, but my RE says we are very much in the window. I am putting my trust in him, and if this is meant to be, then I will in fact be pregnant.

I did it! I have actually had my IUI. When I walked out of the room, I said to the nurses, “I guess it’s too late to change my mind.” They started laughing. I was so nervous beforehand, but then I got so excited thinking that this could be it! I only have to wait eight days until I take a HPT. If it’s not positive, I retest on day ten. If it’s negative on that day, then I am most likely not pregnant but I know I’ll test up until I get my period just to make sure. I’m not sure why hope would be lost only ten days after I ovulated. I came home and read two books for my baby, “Welcome, Little One” and “Just the Baby for Me” (which is a children’s book about being conceived with donor sperm). I just have to believe that if it’s meant to be then it’ll happen.

Well, it’s been almost 24 hours, and I wonder if a sperm wanted to play with my egg. It’s funny how I don’t know if that happened, yet it’s most likely been determined by now. I am still really nauseated, and if this is a precursor of what’s to come if I’m actually pregnant, then I am screwed. How could I be so sensitive to an hCG injection? It’s all worth it if in fact I am pregnant, but feeling this way for no reason would really suck!

I woke up at 3:15 AM after having a dream that my sister had a baby. My sister already has two kids and doesn’t plan on having more, so it was strange that the dream was about her and not someone else… like me! I didn’t know that birds started chirping that early in the morning, so I was listening to them because I couldn’t fall back asleep. I then began to worry thinking about if I have twins. I freaked out because it is something I know I can’t do. I am doing a natural IUI to avoid multiples, so I know the likelihood is so slim, but for some reason I began panicking about it. I then came to the resolution that I would give one to my friends, Lesli and Stephan, because they have been unsuccessful with IVF and are moving on to adoption. Wouldn’t that be wild if God gave me two so I could give them one? While I could raise two, I wouldn’t be able to afford two. My family doesn’t live in the same state as I do, so I will be me raising my child all by myself, and the cost of daycare is already astronomical for one! Anyway, giving one to my friends would be amazing, and I know how much they would love my child. It’s the only thought that would comfort me because I am so freaked out about it! I still have nausea, but the pain in my pelvic area is subsiding. At 3:15 AM when I woke up, I was starving! I’ve had saltine crackers by my bed so I can eat them to settle my stomach so I ate some at 3:15. I finally fell asleep at about 6:00 for maybe an hour. Ugh! It’s too soon in the game for all of this nonsense!

We had bad tornadoes touch down last night. One hit about five minutes from where I live and another one hit the airport which is about 15 minutes from me. The devastation is amazing as neighborhoods have been flattened! The airport is closed indefinitely, and people have to begin rebuilding their lives. It’s a tragedy that I feel blessed to have not been directly affected by it.

On a good note, I am finally feeling better. The nausea, bloating, and cramping have subsided. Evidently this is not a “normal” thing to occur when doing a trigger shot, so I’m not sure why I responded so poorly. I dread having to do that again if I am not pregnant this time around. I’m not so sure if I can handle that again. I say (type) that now, but I know I would of course go through that again, but it was truly so horrible! The fact that I’m not telling my friends and family about the timing of things is bad because I have no one to talk to about how lousy I feel, except my embryologist friend who works at my doctor’s office, and even she tells me this shouldn’t be happening. I still don’t regret not telling anyone. In fact, if I’m not pregnant this time around, I’m not sure I’ll even give them a day when they will know something (which I pushed beyond when I will know for sure to throw them off). I don’t even think I’ll tell them anything about a second time (I so hope there isn’t one) because then I don’t have to even tell people if it was negative since no one will know when/if I actually did an IUI. I pray that right now there are a bunch of cells getting ready to attach to my uterus and making themselves really comfortable!

I’m officially half way through my TWW!!! I’ve caved. Yep, I have! Even though I know POAS will result in a negative result, I have done it anyway. Somehow that eases my mind because I know that I am not pregnant because I tested. It gets me through the day and I know I can POAS in the morning. I had a rough night again with regards to sleeping. I was up at 3:00 AM until about 5:00 AM. I had a dream that two customers (who aren’t my real customers because I didn’t recognize them from my real life) knew that I am trying to get pregnant. They asked me when I will know, and I said in a day. One of my customers looked at me and said I was for sure pregnant because I have the pregnancy “glow”. I woke up starving and realizing that there is no “glow” because I am starting to feel yucky again. I keep telling myself that it’s from the hCG injection and the progesterone because in reality, the likelihood of me actually being pregnant is so slim. My RE made that clear the very first time I met with him. I don’t want my body playing games with me and making me feel awful for no reason. I’m exhausted today, but that must be because I didn’t sleep that well. I was feeling very nauseated and crampy again which could be the onset of period cramps. Tomorrow is the first “official” day RE told me to take a “real” test (not the cheap online ones I’ve been using). It’s kind of crazy that I might actually get a positive result (even though the likelihood is small since it’s still so early!). At least this will all be over one way or another in seven days.

I took my first official pregnancy test today per RE. I’m only 8dpiui, so I thought it was super early. Nonetheless, I did it, and of course it is negative. I’m not stressed out about it though because I’ve got six more days to test until my period. I have times where I think I am definitely pregnant and other times, I think I’m not. I am extremely cranky today! The stress of all of this and quite possibly having to do it again with the hCG injection that made me so sick for six days is sounds so awful. I told my friend (who still doesn’t know when I did the IUI) that if this doesn’t work this time around, I will not give another date for people to hear from me. I don’t look forward to possibly share bad news with them. Moving forward, to me, it’s easier to just tell people when I actually get pregnant rather than give them a date when they will hear from me. I’m a very private person, and I felt like it was too public for my liking even though no one knows when I did it and I pushed the date when I would tell them way past when I will actually know. Lesson learned. This TWW really does suck!

On a different note, I have a date with a guy on Saturday. It’s a friend of a friend. We talked last night, and I was kind of freaking out because while we were talking about meeting for dinner, I was thinking that a baby could be growing inside me right now. The thought of liking a guy while I either am pregnant or trying to get pregnant really messes with me. I’ve wanted to be in a relationship for such a long time, but it’s been very difficult for me to meet a guy with whom I actually wanted to go on a second date. The chances of me liking this guy are so slim, but I still get nervous about the timing of things…

Well I am 10dpiui, and as expected, I got a negative pregnancy test. I realize it’s still early, but RE’s office said it is negative by this day, then I should expect my period in a few days. Do I still give up hope? I feel fine, so it’s probably over, but nonetheless, I still want to have hope. I can’t say I am sad, but I am disappointed because as I’ve already written, I question the timing of things. I feel like it was done too late especially when I read or talk to others on a private Facebook page about the timing of things. I will definitely need to talk to RE about this because I’m more concerned about the timing then I am the actual negative result. I know my odds are so slim, and I’ve got four more chances, but I’m not sure I can handle the trigger shot again.

Well, the guy was nice, but certainly no love connection (at least on my part). He’s super smart and a little too serious for me. At least now I don’t have to worry that this dating thing is going to mess with my agenda. Phew! I’m now 12dpiui and while the people on the Facebook page tell me to have hope, it’s really hard for me to do. I should have had a positive HPT by now, and I don’t. I’m ready to start my period so I can try again. I really do need to talk to the RE about the timing of things because I definitely thing we were way too late and I missed the small window. That probably bums me out more than the fact that it’s not positive because I feel like I wasted a try and went through all of the stress and feeling so sick for absolutely no reason. That makes me sad.

Well, my period arrived with a vengeance and right on time! I have to say that I’m not really sad because I was pretty sure my first IUI would be unsuccessful. I’m not sure if I am supposed to be sad or if my reaction is “normal”. What I do know is that I still want a baby! I am very relieved that my period arrived when it is supposed to and didn’t get messed up. I have heard that the progesterone I was taking could in fact delay my period which would have messed up when have my first ultrasound and the next IUI. I am also now going on a high dose of prednisone to try to get this inflammation down in my fractured ankles. It’s been over eight weeks since I fractured them, and they are not healed and the swelling gets really bad sometimes for no reason. While I am still in physical therapy, the doctor and physical therapist cannot figure out why my ankles are so pissed off. So soon I will be back in the TWW. Besides, who wants to have a baby in January? : ) I’m okay about this. I really am. I guess this is has been a test of my strength and faith, and I haven’t lost either. Onward!

I have gone "public" and shared with friends and family that I am not pregnant. I sent an email and now they know. While the TWW sucks, I am excited to give this another try. It's hard and sometimes lonely, but I know that nothing comes easy, so why would I think this adventure would?

No comments:

Post a Comment