A Post That's All Over the Place

I know I've written about this "issue" before, but I am circling back again:  

I never thought that my life would be all sunshine and roses once I had a baby, but I never imagined it would feel so empty either.  Sidekick definitely filled a void in my heart and my life, but how is it possible to feel so empty and lonely when my life is so consumed with work and Sidekick?  Oh yeah... that's right... because it's filled with work and Sidekick and pretty much nothing else.  Nothing!

My last post focused on the struggles Sidekick was having at school, and I can fully admit that he was my least favorite person in the world.  I literally dreaded picking him up from school and started picking him up later just because I didn't want to have this constant fight with him for longer than I had to.  He was just dragging me down. 

We were on vacation last week visiting my mom, and as soon as we got there, she couldn't believe what a monster Sidekick had become.  She clearly wasn't grasping the severity of what was going on at home and school, but she quickly caught on.  I was determined to get him (and us) back on track that week.  I gave him very little leeway with anything, and after I asked/told him to do something two times, I immediately did what needed to be done:  take whatever he was doing away, redirect, time out, etc.  I cracked down on him big time.  Between that and bonding with me and my mom, he got back on track and he has been a dream once again.  He had a great week back at school and got all of his stickers.  He's sweet, kind, a good listener (the majority of the time), and an overall great kid.  My Sidekick is back, and for that, I am so grateful.

Now, all that doesn't mean that holding him back in kindergarten next year has been pushed aside because I am definitely still considering that for the social/emotional reasons.  He's super smart, but as I see him with kids ten months older than him, I see a difference between them. He's crazy tall and looks like he's at least five, so when he plays with five and six year olds and blends in size wise, he's just not as fast, not as agile, etc. as he is with kids his age.  It frustrates him and I see him have an internal breakdown that he's not good enough.  I have to remind him and the older kids that he just turned four, but I feel like if he goes to kindergarten next year, I'll always be reminding him that he's younger when he eight, 13, 18, etc. and most of his classmates are a year older.  Is that fair to Sidekick?

Back to vacation... we had a great time, but it took me several days to just be able to let loose and relax a bit. I've been so stressed, burnt out, and in a funk that I couldn't let go and enjoy being away from the "real" world until several days in.  We rented a wave runner, played on the beach, jumped off the docks, fished, went to a carnival, and just chilled out.  My mom even encouraged me to go to the beach one day alone while Sidekick was napping.  I was in heaven while engaged in a good book and sitting in peace and quiet while I had the beach all to myself. 

Unfortunately, I hurt my back badly helping my mom store her patio furniture below the deck right before we were to get on the road and head home. After moving some things, I bent down to pick up a chair and the pain hit so suddenly and was so bad that I literally couldn't move from the position I was in and had tears streaming down my face.  Not trying to scare Sidekick, I tried to just lay on the floor as easily as possibly, but I literally couldn't get down to the floor. He saw me suffering, and he immediately got me a glass of ice water and a Nutella & Go.  He was sure they would fix my pain.  I managed to get in the car about an hour later and make the five hour drive home. I was afraid if I waited any longer, the pain might have been worse and kept me at my mom's for who knows how long.

The next day, Sidekick was pretty much on his own, while I laid in my bed all day.  I felt badly, but he did great entertaining himself and checking on me every once in a while.  I'd venture downstairs only to feed him and Dog and take Dog outside.  The pain was excruciating and even heavy duty pain pills were not doing the trick.  At 11:45 PM (as I was just about to fall asleep) and again at 3:42 AM, Sidekick came into my room to check on me, stroke my face, and see if I was feeling better.  Those are the moments when I have to remind myself that I really do have a super awesome kid. After all, what four year old is that aware of something/someone other than himself?

So... going back to my first paragraph, I knew that I would struggle getting back to reality once I got back in town.  When I hurt my back, I also knew it would be worse than I had anticipated because I was in so much pain.  Plus, I wouldn't be able to go running, something I was really trying to do several times a week for myself, but now couldn't since I was in too much in pain to even walk up the stairs.  I work out of my home which was a really good thing this past week because I just couldn't snap out of it to actually care about work to want to work.  I did the bare minimum and found myself laying on the sofa in the middle of the day partly because I was in so much pain and partly because I was just emotionally drained and didn't give a shit. I just wanted to lay there in a zone and not think about work, Sidekick, etc.  I wanted to feel like there is more to my life beyond work and Sidekick, and I couldn't find anything, so I sulked and cried and got angry for this life that I just don't enjoy living right now. (And I really hate admitting that.)

So here I sit on another weekend trying to be an awesome mom and give my son a fun two days all while not enjoying any of it.  I'm just trying to get through each hour and doing what I can to make the weekend go faster... not because I want to work but because I don't want to feel like a shitty mom, which I often feel like on the weekends because I'm just tired, have so much to do, and am not motivated lately to do special things with Sidekick.  We went to a park today, and I was so grateful Sidekick immediately paired up with a five year old boy so that I could just sit on the bench and watch, all the while feeling like a shitty, lonely, pathetic  Mom who just doesn't seem to fit into the "norm" since we don't have what is considered a "normal" family.  I thought making friends would be easier as a Mom, but that's not the case, especially since these other moms have husbands and other kids to keep up with. We are the 5th an 6th wheels in their lives.  We just don't fit into this world despite how much I try to normalize this world for Sidekick, and I feel like he is noticing differences. 

While I did take advantage of the beautiful day, after going to the park we took Dog for a long walk while Sidekick rode his bike, I felt super guilty that he watched a lot of TV. Yep, I used TV as a babysitter.  And while he watched TV, I crawled into my bed and took a short nap.  I don't really nap, and I rarely did when he was a newborn, but crap I needed one today. 

I can't imagine my life without Sidekick, but I just didn't think my life would "feel" this way, that I would feel so incomplete and empty.  The less Sidekick needs me because he's getting older, the more I feel it. I know I go through phases of feeling like this, but for some reason, it just seems worse this time around. Each time I eventually pull out of this funk, and I am hoping and praying that it happens soon because I'm not sure how much longer I can keep plugging along like this. 

(And if I didn't suck so much, I would post great pictures from our vacation, but I just don't want to download them.  Yep, pathetic.)