I'm currently trying to close a $1 million dollar account, and the order will come in in December. While this won't get me to my sales goal (because that went up 50%, thank you very much company), it will get me closer and a little bigger of a bonus check. The pressure is on, and all eyes are on me right now. I feel it coming from all directions in my company, and I need my personal life to be as calm as possible so I can focus. Like that would actually happen...
Sidekick started coughing on Sunday and didn't sleep well all night. I told the director at his school the next morning that I will not be answering their call the next four weeks because I have way too many important things going on with work to focus on Sidekick. Haha. Lo and behold, Sidekick had his own agenda and woke up at 2:45 AM very distraught that the pictures (of himself) on the walls were moving and changing colors. Totally confused, I had him show me and obviously didn't see what he was seeing, I immediately felt his forehead and he was burning up. His temperature was 104.7. He was seriously freaking out about these pictures, so I called the exchange because of this strange hallucination he was having. The nurse on call was definitely worried, and when she asked me to check him for a rash, he told me that Mickey Mouse was on his ceiling, and the nurse heard that which made her a little more concerned. I gave him Motrin and was told if the fever didn't go down a degree within an hour, then I needed to take him to the ER. So, worried that someone may need to take care of Dog and seeing my not-so-clean-kitchen, I started cleaning at 3:45 AM, just in case (like anyone would even care if my kitchen counters had shit on them. Goodness gracious!). His fever did get lower, and at 4:45 AM, he was still awake in his bed, and I was awake in my bed catching up on my DVR. He finally fell asleep around 5:15, and I didn't. It was a long day and began worrying about meetings that I would be missing that day.
His doctor wanted to see him even though his fever had broken within hours after only one dose of Motrin to rule out pneumonia. We went in and got the all clear, and the next day he went to school. Wednesday morning at around 5:45 AM about 45 minutes before I had to wake up, Sidekick woke up screaming and crying that he had a bloody nose. Already lacking on sleep because of several days/weeks of insomnia and a late night phone call with a friend, I dragged myself out of bed to clean him up. His bedroom looked like a crime scene! There was blood everywhere! From every piece of bedding to his arms and face to his carpet. Good Lord! Let's add something else to my full agenda for the day. In between work appointments, I rushed home to switch the laundry over. After my work appointments, I rushed home to pick up Sidekick from school, give him a bath, fed him an early dinner, and headed out to a work event for parents. Yep! I took him with me, partly because I didn't want to pay for a babysitter and partly because he had been begging to go to work with me again. He did great, and when the event was over, I rushed back home, made his bed, and threw him in bed because it was past his bedtime.
I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions. I have this $1 million account looming over my head. I need to be in so many different places at once for this big account and meeting with customers pretty much every day. I can't keep up (or who am I kidding? I can't even begin) with pre-working 2017 sales because I am all consumed with this big account. I feel like I am neglecting all of my other customers (even though I somehow get everything done that they need me to do) because my focus needs to be on this big account. I kind of suck at being a Mom, and when Sidekick needs me the most, I feel like I can't give him what he needs. I can't find a balance right now between work and my personal life. And oh yeah! I desperately need to go running, and haven't done that in weeks. The good news is, this will all come to a screeching halt when I find out in mid-October if I won the account, and I'm afraid where I'll "go" if I lose this account. So damn much is riding on it.
But if anything good came out this week, it's that I was so freaking busy, that I didn't have time to be in a slump. Emotionally I felt better than I have in a several weeks. I was more exhausted than ever, but I felt like I needed to cry less, which is a good thing. Yes, I bitched in my last post that my life is tied up in work and Sidekick, but I was too busy to feel sorry for myself this week. I guess that's a good thing.
I deep cleaned my house yesterday and had a friend and her daughter come over for dinner and to play. Sidekick loves to help me clean, so one of the tasks I gave him was cleaning three toilets. I explained it was very important to get all of the blue cleaner off the inside of the toilet, and he took his job very seriously. Who knew it would take so long for a four year old to do that! It was nice to have a glass of wine with a friend while our kids played. Today was our monthly SMC meeting. We have a small, active group here, but Sidekick gets along great with one of the boys. We spent three hours at the park and then came home and took Dog for a long walk while Sidekick rode his bike.
My focus to continue the momentum of feeling a little better and less in a slump was to keep busy this weekend and surround myself with people so that the loneliness didn't creep back in. I think I succeeded.
And as I was just about click "Publish" to post on this blog, Sidekick got another bloody nose... and much of it is on my brand new carpet in my newly finished basement. It was another gusher! I was somewhat trying to sound like sunshine and roses a little more than my previous post, but right now... FML. Now lets add an ENT appointment into my busy, stressful life.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Saturday, September 10, 2016
A Post That's All Over the Place
I know I've written about this "issue" before, but I am circling back again:
I never thought that my life would be all sunshine and roses once I had a baby, but I never imagined it would feel so empty either. Sidekick definitely filled a void in my heart and my life, but how is it possible to feel so empty and lonely when my life is so consumed with work and Sidekick? Oh yeah... that's right... because it's filled with work and Sidekick and pretty much nothing else. Nothing!
My last post focused on the struggles Sidekick was having at school, and I can fully admit that he was my least favorite person in the world. I literally dreaded picking him up from school and started picking him up later just because I didn't want to have this constant fight with him for longer than I had to. He was just dragging me down.
We were on vacation last week visiting my mom, and as soon as we got there, she couldn't believe what a monster Sidekick had become. She clearly wasn't grasping the severity of what was going on at home and school, but she quickly caught on. I was determined to get him (and us) back on track that week. I gave him very little leeway with anything, and after I asked/told him to do something two times, I immediately did what needed to be done: take whatever he was doing away, redirect, time out, etc. I cracked down on him big time. Between that and bonding with me and my mom, he got back on track and he has been a dream once again. He had a great week back at school and got all of his stickers. He's sweet, kind, a good listener (the majority of the time), and an overall great kid. My Sidekick is back, and for that, I am so grateful.
Now, all that doesn't mean that holding him back in kindergarten next year has been pushed aside because I am definitely still considering that for the social/emotional reasons. He's super smart, but as I see him with kids ten months older than him, I see a difference between them. He's crazy tall and looks like he's at least five, so when he plays with five and six year olds and blends in size wise, he's just not as fast, not as agile, etc. as he is with kids his age. It frustrates him and I see him have an internal breakdown that he's not good enough. I have to remind him and the older kids that he just turned four, but I feel like if he goes to kindergarten next year, I'll always be reminding him that he's younger when he eight, 13, 18, etc. and most of his classmates are a year older. Is that fair to Sidekick?
Back to vacation... we had a great time, but it took me several days to just be able to let loose and relax a bit. I've been so stressed, burnt out, and in a funk that I couldn't let go and enjoy being away from the "real" world until several days in. We rented a wave runner, played on the beach, jumped off the docks, fished, went to a carnival, and just chilled out. My mom even encouraged me to go to the beach one day alone while Sidekick was napping. I was in heaven while engaged in a good book and sitting in peace and quiet while I had the beach all to myself.
Unfortunately, I hurt my back badly helping my mom store her patio furniture below the deck right before we were to get on the road and head home. After moving some things, I bent down to pick up a chair and the pain hit so suddenly and was so bad that I literally couldn't move from the position I was in and had tears streaming down my face. Not trying to scare Sidekick, I tried to just lay on the floor as easily as possibly, but I literally couldn't get down to the floor. He saw me suffering, and he immediately got me a glass of ice water and a Nutella & Go. He was sure they would fix my pain. I managed to get in the car about an hour later and make the five hour drive home. I was afraid if I waited any longer, the pain might have been worse and kept me at my mom's for who knows how long.
The next day, Sidekick was pretty much on his own, while I laid in my bed all day. I felt badly, but he did great entertaining himself and checking on me every once in a while. I'd venture downstairs only to feed him and Dog and take Dog outside. The pain was excruciating and even heavy duty pain pills were not doing the trick. At 11:45 PM (as I was just about to fall asleep) and again at 3:42 AM, Sidekick came into my room to check on me, stroke my face, and see if I was feeling better. Those are the moments when I have to remind myself that I really do have a super awesome kid. After all, what four year old is that aware of something/someone other than himself?
So... going back to my first paragraph, I knew that I would struggle getting back to reality once I got back in town. When I hurt my back, I also knew it would be worse than I had anticipated because I was in so much pain. Plus, I wouldn't be able to go running, something I was really trying to do several times a week for myself, but now couldn't since I was in too much in pain to even walk up the stairs. I work out of my home which was a really good thing this past week because I just couldn't snap out of it to actually care about work to want to work. I did the bare minimum and found myself laying on the sofa in the middle of the day partly because I was in so much pain and partly because I was just emotionally drained and didn't give a shit. I just wanted to lay there in a zone and not think about work, Sidekick, etc. I wanted to feel like there is more to my life beyond work and Sidekick, and I couldn't find anything, so I sulked and cried and got angry for this life that I just don't enjoy living right now. (And I really hate admitting that.)
So here I sit on another weekend trying to be an awesome mom and give my son a fun two days all while not enjoying any of it. I'm just trying to get through each hour and doing what I can to make the weekend go faster... not because I want to work but because I don't want to feel like a shitty mom, which I often feel like on the weekends because I'm just tired, have so much to do, and am not motivated lately to do special things with Sidekick. We went to a park today, and I was so grateful Sidekick immediately paired up with a five year old boy so that I could just sit on the bench and watch, all the while feeling like a shitty, lonely, pathetic Mom who just doesn't seem to fit into the "norm" since we don't have what is considered a "normal" family. I thought making friends would be easier as a Mom, but that's not the case, especially since these other moms have husbands and other kids to keep up with. We are the 5th an 6th wheels in their lives. We just don't fit into this world despite how much I try to normalize this world for Sidekick, and I feel like he is noticing differences.
While I did take advantage of the beautiful day, after going to the park we took Dog for a long walk while Sidekick rode his bike, I felt super guilty that he watched a lot of TV. Yep, I used TV as a babysitter. And while he watched TV, I crawled into my bed and took a short nap. I don't really nap, and I rarely did when he was a newborn, but crap I needed one today.
I can't imagine my life without Sidekick, but I just didn't think my life would "feel" this way, that I would feel so incomplete and empty. The less Sidekick needs me because he's getting older, the more I feel it. I know I go through phases of feeling like this, but for some reason, it just seems worse this time around. Each time I eventually pull out of this funk, and I am hoping and praying that it happens soon because I'm not sure how much longer I can keep plugging along like this.
(And if I didn't suck so much, I would post great pictures from our vacation, but I just don't want to download them. Yep, pathetic.)
I never thought that my life would be all sunshine and roses once I had a baby, but I never imagined it would feel so empty either. Sidekick definitely filled a void in my heart and my life, but how is it possible to feel so empty and lonely when my life is so consumed with work and Sidekick? Oh yeah... that's right... because it's filled with work and Sidekick and pretty much nothing else. Nothing!
My last post focused on the struggles Sidekick was having at school, and I can fully admit that he was my least favorite person in the world. I literally dreaded picking him up from school and started picking him up later just because I didn't want to have this constant fight with him for longer than I had to. He was just dragging me down.
We were on vacation last week visiting my mom, and as soon as we got there, she couldn't believe what a monster Sidekick had become. She clearly wasn't grasping the severity of what was going on at home and school, but she quickly caught on. I was determined to get him (and us) back on track that week. I gave him very little leeway with anything, and after I asked/told him to do something two times, I immediately did what needed to be done: take whatever he was doing away, redirect, time out, etc. I cracked down on him big time. Between that and bonding with me and my mom, he got back on track and he has been a dream once again. He had a great week back at school and got all of his stickers. He's sweet, kind, a good listener (the majority of the time), and an overall great kid. My Sidekick is back, and for that, I am so grateful.
Now, all that doesn't mean that holding him back in kindergarten next year has been pushed aside because I am definitely still considering that for the social/emotional reasons. He's super smart, but as I see him with kids ten months older than him, I see a difference between them. He's crazy tall and looks like he's at least five, so when he plays with five and six year olds and blends in size wise, he's just not as fast, not as agile, etc. as he is with kids his age. It frustrates him and I see him have an internal breakdown that he's not good enough. I have to remind him and the older kids that he just turned four, but I feel like if he goes to kindergarten next year, I'll always be reminding him that he's younger when he eight, 13, 18, etc. and most of his classmates are a year older. Is that fair to Sidekick?
Back to vacation... we had a great time, but it took me several days to just be able to let loose and relax a bit. I've been so stressed, burnt out, and in a funk that I couldn't let go and enjoy being away from the "real" world until several days in. We rented a wave runner, played on the beach, jumped off the docks, fished, went to a carnival, and just chilled out. My mom even encouraged me to go to the beach one day alone while Sidekick was napping. I was in heaven while engaged in a good book and sitting in peace and quiet while I had the beach all to myself.
Unfortunately, I hurt my back badly helping my mom store her patio furniture below the deck right before we were to get on the road and head home. After moving some things, I bent down to pick up a chair and the pain hit so suddenly and was so bad that I literally couldn't move from the position I was in and had tears streaming down my face. Not trying to scare Sidekick, I tried to just lay on the floor as easily as possibly, but I literally couldn't get down to the floor. He saw me suffering, and he immediately got me a glass of ice water and a Nutella & Go. He was sure they would fix my pain. I managed to get in the car about an hour later and make the five hour drive home. I was afraid if I waited any longer, the pain might have been worse and kept me at my mom's for who knows how long.
The next day, Sidekick was pretty much on his own, while I laid in my bed all day. I felt badly, but he did great entertaining himself and checking on me every once in a while. I'd venture downstairs only to feed him and Dog and take Dog outside. The pain was excruciating and even heavy duty pain pills were not doing the trick. At 11:45 PM (as I was just about to fall asleep) and again at 3:42 AM, Sidekick came into my room to check on me, stroke my face, and see if I was feeling better. Those are the moments when I have to remind myself that I really do have a super awesome kid. After all, what four year old is that aware of something/someone other than himself?
So... going back to my first paragraph, I knew that I would struggle getting back to reality once I got back in town. When I hurt my back, I also knew it would be worse than I had anticipated because I was in so much pain. Plus, I wouldn't be able to go running, something I was really trying to do several times a week for myself, but now couldn't since I was in too much in pain to even walk up the stairs. I work out of my home which was a really good thing this past week because I just couldn't snap out of it to actually care about work to want to work. I did the bare minimum and found myself laying on the sofa in the middle of the day partly because I was in so much pain and partly because I was just emotionally drained and didn't give a shit. I just wanted to lay there in a zone and not think about work, Sidekick, etc. I wanted to feel like there is more to my life beyond work and Sidekick, and I couldn't find anything, so I sulked and cried and got angry for this life that I just don't enjoy living right now. (And I really hate admitting that.)
So here I sit on another weekend trying to be an awesome mom and give my son a fun two days all while not enjoying any of it. I'm just trying to get through each hour and doing what I can to make the weekend go faster... not because I want to work but because I don't want to feel like a shitty mom, which I often feel like on the weekends because I'm just tired, have so much to do, and am not motivated lately to do special things with Sidekick. We went to a park today, and I was so grateful Sidekick immediately paired up with a five year old boy so that I could just sit on the bench and watch, all the while feeling like a shitty, lonely, pathetic Mom who just doesn't seem to fit into the "norm" since we don't have what is considered a "normal" family. I thought making friends would be easier as a Mom, but that's not the case, especially since these other moms have husbands and other kids to keep up with. We are the 5th an 6th wheels in their lives. We just don't fit into this world despite how much I try to normalize this world for Sidekick, and I feel like he is noticing differences.
While I did take advantage of the beautiful day, after going to the park we took Dog for a long walk while Sidekick rode his bike, I felt super guilty that he watched a lot of TV. Yep, I used TV as a babysitter. And while he watched TV, I crawled into my bed and took a short nap. I don't really nap, and I rarely did when he was a newborn, but crap I needed one today.
I can't imagine my life without Sidekick, but I just didn't think my life would "feel" this way, that I would feel so incomplete and empty. The less Sidekick needs me because he's getting older, the more I feel it. I know I go through phases of feeling like this, but for some reason, it just seems worse this time around. Each time I eventually pull out of this funk, and I am hoping and praying that it happens soon because I'm not sure how much longer I can keep plugging along like this.
(And if I didn't suck so much, I would post great pictures from our vacation, but I just don't want to download them. Yep, pathetic.)
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