Honesty

There are times when I am wildly happy and in love with my son while feeling sad at the same time, and now is one of those times.  What's that all about?  It doesn't make sense.  While I'm happier since Sidekick was born than I have been in a very long time, I find myself yearning for something more, and I can't quite put my finger on it.  I've accepted the fact (as best as I can) that Sidekick will not have a sibling (if I stay single because I don't want to worry about finances).  Is that my "problem"?  I want to have another baby so badly.  My best friend moved out of state.  Is that contributing?  I had a huge work load put on my shoulders and that is stressing me out as there are some big expectations for me.  Is that making me feel out of sorts?  Sometimes I really miss having a boyfriend and companionship and online dating is not going well.  Is that playing into this?  Don't get me wrong, there are bonuses to just being responsible for myself and my son because I don't have a third "thing" (relationship) to worry about. Days are so crazy busy and I'm always on autopilot, but once Sidekick goes to sleep, lately I find myself feeling lonely in the quiet of my home.  I'm not one to talk to people about things like this, so I guess I'll just put it out there in the blog universe.  I'm hoping it's a funk that will pass quickly.  In the meantime, I'll keep going because I don't have a choice. I can't lay in my bed and feel gloomy because my sweet little Sidekick relies on me for everything. I love him so much, but I want to love him without having an inkling of sadness surrounding me.  I hate feeling this way.

(Sorry for the rambling entry that doesn't make much sense.)

One Year Pics

I was feeling the pressure from people to do professional photos for Sidekick.  I prefer the more "natural" looking shots, but with the purchase of a Groupon, I bit the bullet and off we went!  The photographer was so surprised that he is my first born, and I waited 13 months to finally get his pictures taken.  I've just never been that kind of Mom who does this kind of thing.  I have such great pictures of Sidekick already that my mom, my sister, or I took, so why pay someone to take his pictures?  I have to admit that I have quite a ham, and he actually did really well despite the fact that we went after school and it was dinner time.  I can't see doing this again any time soon, but I'm glad I did as we ended up with quite a lot of good ones. I did a couple of different outfits that really suit his personality (and my style of clothing for him), and he played the part so well in both of them.

My Sweet Boy

 

 

 

My Rocker Boy

(Who would have guessed they had a drum for him?)

 

 

 

Little Mr. Stubborn

My sweet little Sidekick has turned a little sour lately.  He fights me on the simple things like cutting his pancake into pieces.  Look what happens when I don't!  (He gets that stubbornness from me. I'm not proud to admit it.)  Anyway, as frustrating as these moments are, I still love him to pieces in the midst of it (partly because it's pretty funny.)

Is the Zoo Really Supposed to be Enjoyable?

I've waited to take Cooper to the zoo for two reasons:
 
1.  I do not like the zoo, and I feel so sorry for the animals so I was prolonging it.
2.  I wanted Cooper to be old enough to appreciate it so that maybe, just maybe I would have fun by seeing the zoo through the eyes of my son. 
 
My friend was in town visiting, so I thought this would be a prime opportunity to visit the zoo with her family.  I got mentally prepared, dressed Sidekick in a cute outfit to meet this family for the first time, put on my big girl panties, and off we went!  Sidekick's special "thing" (I hate the word "lovey") that he sleeps with is a little blanket with a Monkey head, and he has monkeys all around his room. Apes, chimps, and gorillas were the one thing I was looking forward to seeing so that Sidekick could see that all of these monkeys he has surrounding him are actually real.  Anyway, we went there first and he had fun watching them. Each time we left an exhibit to see a new one he screamed (there's just no way to explain to a 13 month old that we are going to see more things.)  He "talked" to them and told them the sounds that they make.  He could just stand forever looking at them. 

 

 

As we walked around, I just felt worse and worse for all of these poor animals.  The bear had no friends with whom to play, the elephants will never be able to run as fast as they can, the tigers didn't have a big place to live, etc.  Some people will say these animals were saved from bad conditions and would never survive in the wild, but I don't "buy" that.  I would never want people to gawk at me hours each day and watch my every move from sleeping, to eating, to taking a shit. 

 

 

It was Jungle Boogie night, so the zoo was open until 8:00 and had a band.  Fortunately I was smart enough to change Cooper into this PJs because he looked like this before we got to the car and it was just past 7:30:

 

 

 

 

I tried really hard to enjoy the zoo, but I didn't  succeed and I probably never will.  I tried to be excited to see the animals, but I walked from exhibit to exhibit feeling so badly for them. Will I go again?  Yes, probably for my son's sake.  Someone commented on my Facebook page that the zoo is a great way to help Sidekick develop an appreciation of wild animals and the importance of keeping them protected in the wild.  I like that perspective, and I'll try to have that conversation with him when he is old enough to understand and not have a tantrum each time we leave an exhibit to go to another one.  In the meantime, I'll just have to suck it up for Sidekick's sake and pretend that I'm having fun.  

 



How Could I Love Someone This Much?

Sometimes I find myself so crazy in love with my little Sidekick that I can't stand it!  I never knew I could love a little being from the minute he was born and put in my arms. (I was so afraid that I wouldn't have that feeling right away, but I was reassured by many that it's okay if I didn't.) Of course I love him when he makes me laugh because he's so funny, when he gives me open mouthed kisses, when he crawls on my lap to read a book he has brought me, and when he points to my Bose saying "mo, mo, mo" and then starts dancing.  But I'm always surprised when I still find myself loving him during sleepless nights when he is sick, during his tantrums, when he feeds the dog from his high chair and laughs when I tell him "no", when he unplugs the bathtub and gets angry when I take the plug away from him, and when he challenges me what seems like 95% of the time. 

There have been several times when I walk into his room while he is sleeping, stare at him for awhile still amazed that he is mine, and then end up picking him up.  I think I might have a disorder of some sorts because the urge to do this will sometimes overtake me!  : )  I just get a sudden need to hold his warm, sweet smelling body.  I've done this several times for a few minutes and then lay him back down without him even knowing I have done it. 

I had a long work day yesterday and we left home much earlier than normal, so I had to wake up Sidekick to get him ready.  He literally fell asleep in my lap at 6:30 PM while I was reading bedtime stories to him. (I had wondered why he was so quiet because he is not a quiet kid.)  I missed him so much because I was away from him longer than I normally am, that hours after he fell asleep, I had to pick him up and hold him.  Gosh, I love this kid!  It's an indescribable feeling, and I am so incredibly lucky and blessed that I get to experience this! 

Am I the only one who does crazy things like this?

Potential Date?

I wrote a couple of days ago that I joined an online dating website... ugh!  I've been emailing a guy back and forth for a few days, and from what I can tell, he's a great guy, and I really look forward to hearing from him each day.  His emails are witty, and I love that.  He made some reference in his profile about single moms:

"... first of all I have great respect for you raising your children! And I appreciate they should be your first priority... However, I deserve to be a priority in someone's life as well. I struggle with those competing priorities. (Just being honest.) So I'm open to dating but I don't have a lot of experience there. So I just ask for a little guidance in that area AND I ask that we have open communication about how this might work out. Of course not necessarily upfront but IF things would start to get serious between us. But I will teach them to spit or how to ride a 4-wheeler if they come out to the family farm- just warning you. :)"

I appreciate his honesty and his possible trepidation because I have the same thoughts as well.  I especially freak out about dating someone when I have no family in the same state so I have to find a babysitter.  I worry about the "right" time to introduce Sidekick to a potential boyfriend.  Since Sidekick is so young, I don't think I have to be as concerned because to him, he'd just be some guy with whom to play instead of a potential husband who may or may not leave his mommy and him.  Nonetheless, I struggle with the idea of fitting a man into our lives.  As much as I'd love to find a husband and have more kids or have a blended family, the logistics freak me out. 

Anyway, he's never asked about Sidekick, and I really appreciate that. I fear that a guy may run for the hills when he learns that Sidekick is only one.  I fear that a guy might not accept the way in which Sidekick was conceived.  I fear everything.  I'd rather have a face to face conversation about what I did instead of via email.  I don't want to be judged before someone actually meets me and sees that I'm a pretty good catch.  : )

I do hope that I will meet this guy.  (He sounds too good to be true.)  I remain hopeful that one day I will find my Prince. 

On a side note, "Hopeful" is part of my screen name.  I have yet to tell him my name even though I know his. Because of that, he has been calling me Hope in emails. It's so fitting on so many levels!

Where do you Live?

I'm just curious where all of you fellow SMCs live.  I would love to connect with others around me.  Care to share where you are from?  I'm in St. Louis, MO. 

The Dating Scene as a Single Momma

Since my little Sidekick is one, I feel like it's time to start joining the dating world again, so I joined an online dating site. As soon as I joined, I immediately freaked out about who would take care of Sidekick if/when I go on a date (as if all these guys would be begging me for dates- ha!).  I don't have family here, and I don't have any babysitters (not to mention that babysitters are really expensive!), so of course dating all of a sudden seemed like a challenge.  The next thing that worried me is how in the world do I trust a guy I met online... let alone trust a guy with your child???!!  It was challenging enough to date while just being single with no ties, but now that Sidekick is in my life, that add a whole new level of challenge/difficulty. 

During my first week of online dating, I found it very depressing. Dating sucks!  The ones I'm "interested" in don't seem to be interested in me, and the ones that seem to be flooding my inbox are men in their late 50's and early 60's!  I'm not looking for a Sugar Daddy, I'm looking for a potential husband and daddy (not a grandpa) for my son.  I'm not a model, but I'm certainly not an ugly woman.  What are guys looking for?  I think I'm a pretty good catch: athletic/thin, fiscally responsible (almost anal about it!), outgoing, great sense of humor, loyal, and has my shit together.  What in the world is a guy looking for???!!!!  My good guy friend told me that I'm great for a guy because I have no daddy drama for him to be intimidated by and I have my shit together.  If so, then why isn't my inbox full?  This is so depressing.  I'm just so happy I've got my sidekick because he is the love of my life!

Any other SMC out in the dating world?