Thursday, March 21, 2013

Parent's Worst Nightmare

Before I begin writing what happened, I want to state upfront that my little sidekick is just fine.

I've never really thought much about SIDS because I didn't want to be a paranoid mom.  I've always considered myself a very relaxed mom who doesn't get too riled up about things.  When Cooper fell backwards on his head at daycare (on the wood floor of course!) and they called me to let me know, I asked, "Did he land on the rounded out spot and push out the flat spot?"  (He has plagiocephaly.)  I wasn't worried about him. When he fell over face first in the bathtub, I didn't panic and sat him up and told him he's okay.  When my dog kisses him, I laugh knowing that he's going to get a bath anyway.  When he chokes on his food, I just calmly talk to him while he coughs it up and then offer him some water.  Last night was an entirely different situation...

Sidekick goes to sleep no later than 7:00.  He's not one that moves around in his crib at night, but he will change positions.  I've been "forcing" him to sleep on his side or his stomach because of the plagiocephaly, but he really prefers his back.  Last night, he chose to sleep on his side which I was thrilled about.  I happened to wake up at 3:00 AM and turned on the monitor to look at him.  I noticed that he has not moved at all!  I immediately ran to his room and put my hand on him to feel him breathe. While he was on his side, he face was a little in the mattress, but his nose and mouth were visible, but I couldn't feel him breathing.  I noticed that his pajamas and sheet were wet, and all I could remember was when I put my dog to sleep I was told that she might lose her faculties.  I jumped to the worst conclusion!  I rolled Sidekick onto his back and still couldn't feel him breathe.  I picked him up and calmly shook him a bit to try to rouse him and was unsuccessful.  Finally, he let out a little squeal that clearly told me he was pissed because I woke him up.

I laid him on his changing table to put dry PJs and a diaper on him, all the while he was calm and quiet.  I didn't want to change his sheet, and I was still worried about him, so I brought him in bed with me so I could hear/feel him breathe.  (This is NOT a normal practice in this household!)  I laid him down and he began kicking his legs, petting my face, "talking" to me, etc.  It went on for well over an hour until he finally drifted off to sleep in my arms. 

For whatever reason, I caught Sidekick in a very deep sleep, so his breathing was very, very shallow.  It was a moment I never want to experience again.  It was a moment, though brief, that I thought I lost my baby.  Today I became that paranoid mom I was so trying to avoid.  I fear him going to sleep tonight, and I've never had that fear before. I can't shake that image in my head of my baby lying there, and I couldn't rouse him.  It was horrible. Horrible. Horrible.  I pray that God keeps my sweet little sidekick safe and healthy.  It's all I can do at this moment and beyond. 

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