This Single Momma Stuff Can be Hard

Being a Mom feels like being on autopilot most of the time.  I feel like all I ever do is feed my kid a meal.  (He's not a snacker, so I'm really only feeding him three times a day, but I swear every time I look at the clock, it's time for a meal!).  I just go with the motions day in and day out.  I am reminded how difficult being a SMC is when I go on vacation...
 
I had to work two weekends ago, so my mom and I decided to meet half way (2 1/2 hour drive) and she would take Sidekick and Dog.  I drove the 2 1/2  hours home and came home to an empty house for the first time in years!  Even when Sidekick is at school, Dog is still here.  I found myself watching the clock for when I had to pick Sidekick up from school, take Dog for a walk, etc.  I didn't have to do any of that!  It was pretty crazy.  I even found myself stepping over Dog in the middle of the night when I went to the bathroom even though she wasn't laying on the floor next to my bed. 
 
I had four days without Sidekick and enjoyed my freedom even though I was working.  I loved not being responsible for anything!  I went out for drinks/dinner with colleagues one night and had so much fun.  Saying I didn't miss Sidekick sounds harsh, but I didn't.  I knew he was having so much fun at Grandma's and was in good hands. I just needed a break.  Badly. 
 
Four days later, I drove up to join my sister and her family at my mom's for the week.  We had so much fun playing on the beach, renting a boat, walking along the lake, fishing, etc.  I let Sidekick's schedule slide a lot (which I later paid for), and allowed him to hang with his big cousins doing whatever they were doing.  They all had so much fun together, and the house was filled with the squeals of three boys enjoying their vacation together. 
 
As much as I liked being there, I like being in my own home, and Sidekick was asking to go home two days before we left (at that point he had been there seven days).  He missed his house and his bed.  He was tired and a complete mess.  He thrives on routine/schedule, and he didn't have any of it there.  The boy needed to go home.
 
I drove the five or so hours home, unpacked the car, and was immediately reminded just how hard it is to be a single mom.  My many helpers were gone, so everything was on me yet again. It's exhausting.  Sidekick was a bit out of sorts (even though he was happy to be home) because he was alone again.  He didn't have his cousins with whom to play.  He didn't have fun things to do.  He was needy, crabby, and exhausted.  So was I. 
 
It is now day two of being home, and now I'm back at work.  It's back to our little life of a family of two plus a dog.  It's back to a quiet household.  Back to the stress of being a single Mom.  Back to household chores, shopping, etc.  Back to not the most exciting life.  Back to routine.  Back to reality.  I used to love my reality, but lately I find my reality a little empty, if that makes sense.  I find my reality monotonous.  I find my reality a little dull.  Don't get me wrong, I love Sidekick and my life, but there is something missing. 
 
The difficulty of being a SMC with no family in the same state is slowly creeping back into my life.  Being on vacation is great, but it really sucks when I have to get back to my life the way it was. It's hard on both of us.  Sidekick is trying to get in the groove just as much as I am. We'll get back to where we were, but boy, coming back to reality is difficult, and I am reminded every minute of the day how exhausting being a SMC is.  Just having an extra set of hands and an adult with whom to talk is so incredibly awesome. I miss that. 

Time to snap out of this funk and get on with it!

Sidekick is Three!

How did this happen?  How is my little guy three years old?  How did time go by so quickly? 

 

 

He was so into his birthday this year that it makes it so much more fun.  I put a bunch of purple (his favorite color) balloons in his bed before he woke up and he was so excited.  (When I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he told me a balloon.  He's so easy to please!)  As soon as I walked into his room he yelled, "I'm Free!!!!!!"  He chose pirate cupcakes with purple frosting for school, and we brought in pirate plates and eye patches for the kids.  He was so excited and happy.  (By the way, along with turning three, he is now matching his shoes once again.)

I picked him up from school early, and we went to our favorite park to release a balloon in honor of his Donor.  It's a tradition I started on his first birthday and will continue to do it every year. 

I also write a letter to him every year and put it in a treasure box that I made him.  In the letter is money for however old he is, so this year there is $3.  It'll be fun for him to have all that cash whenever I decide to give him the box.  I'm not into the big birthday party thing and haven't done one yet, but this year I decided to have a party for him with a few of his friends at Build-a-Bear.  I like that it's a memorable birthday party for everyone for as long as they all have their bears.  Sidekick hasn't been and I think only one other kid has been, so it's a new thing for most of them. 

When I put him to bed last night loaded up on sugar from cupcakes at school and home, he said to me, "Momma, tank you so much for my birday."  Melt my heart.