Missing my Sidekick

I had to travel for work, so I am away from my sweet baby for the first time overnight.  Thankfully my mom came in town to take care of him.  We took him to school today, and I sadly said goodbye to him.  I know he is in great hands, but I won't see for two full bedtimes because I get home late tomorrow night.  What would I do without technology?  My mom texted me a pic when she picked him up from school and he was in the car.  She texted me a pic of him playing when he got home.  She texted a pic of him eating.  She texted a pic of him taking bath.  AND we even Skyped! I feel like I was with him (from afar).

I was so excited to curl up in my bed and read because I didn't have anything to do while being stuck in my hotel room, and my days of reading are far and few between.  (I used to be a voracious reader.).  I was two hours into my four hour drive when I remembered that I forgot my Kindle! I was/am so bummed! Yes, I could have bought a book, but I have many unread books on my shelves, and I was almost done with the one on my Kindle.  So, I sit here writing my blog and getting ready to watch the new TV series, "Ready for Love". 

A night away from my baby, and I'm already showered, in my bed, and waiting 15 minutes until the show starts.  Pathetic.  : )

This "Unsentimental" Momma has Turned into a Blubbering Mess!

It was a weekend filled with realizations that my baby is growing up, and a weekend when I think have turned into a sap.  When Sidekick woke up from his nap yesterday, he was sitting up in his crib, and it seemed like he surprised  himself.  While this isn't very exciting news to report, it was funny that he realized he can get himself from the laying position to the sitting position.  This meant that the mattress needed to be lowered to the lowest level.  I tipped the crib over to make the adjustment and tears streamed down my cheeks while I looked at my baby army crawling and getting into trouble. At the same time, I was remembering when my friend and I put the crib together almost a year ago.  We had finished it and realized the mattress was crooked. Oops!  After staring at the crib for a while, we finally figured out what we did wrong (for the life of me, I cannot remember what it was).  Anyway, my sweet little sidekick is sleeping so low to the ground and so far from his mobile.  For some reason, he has moved around so much more since I lowered the mattress... not sure why that is.

Today was a beautiful, sunny day, so I decided to take my little sidekick to the park for his first ride on the swing.  I stopped at the store and bought some sunblock, lathered him up, and hurried to the park before naptime. He hated the swing when he was a baby, but this little daredevil couldn't go high enough.  He just squealed in delight and laughed so much.  I turned into a sap once again.  I relished in his excitement and tried to remind myself that there will be so many "firsts" in his life that I will get to share with him.  At the same time, I was reminded that my baby is going to be a toddler soon.

Sidekick will be nine months old tomorrow.  Nine months!  I was told by so many people that the times goes so fast, and I didn't believe them.  I want time to stop for just a bit.  I want to go back to the day he was born (I'll even go through my horrible labor and delivery again).  I was to go back to when he was a week old.  I want to go back to when he was a month old.  I want to go back and experience it all again.  Now as I sit at my computer, I have turned into a sap again. 

Helmet Update, Mommy Guilt, and Crawling

After spending a couple of hours at Children's Hospital the other day, it was pretty quickly determined that Sidekick does not need a helmet.  The doctor seemed pretty confident that Sidekick's head will round out (although not perfect) eventually, and as his head continues to get bigger, the flat spot will get smaller.  Good news, right?  While several experts have told me that a helmet is not necessary, I feel badly that I didn't just go with my gut and get one for him anyway.  After all, it is my choice. Since he is almost nine months old, if I were to do a helmet, it wouldn't be as effective as it would have been when I started this process back in December.  His head is not as malleable as it once was, so it's not really worth putting him in a helmet for 3-6 months for minimal change. My mommy guilt will linger for a long time until I see his head get better.  But, I can't look back at what I should have done, and I have to put my trust in the experts.

Speaking of guilt, after we went to church for Easter service yesterday, I felt guilty not taking Sidekick to see the Easter Bunny!  I know that's so silly, but I hope I don't have any regrets about not getting a picture of my almost nine month old baby on the Easter Bunny's lap. I've been reassured that the Easter Bunny is quite creepy, which I agree, so that somehow makes it a little better.  I also didn't do an Easter basket for him (guilt).  It seemed so ridiculous since he has no idea what is going on.  Plus, I don't want holidays to be all about gifts.  So, Sidekick just thinks it is any random day (like he normally does).  I need to get over the Easter Bunny and Easter basket guilt.  Moving on...

Speaking of moving on, Sidekick went from slithering on the ground to a strong army crawl overnight.  He is mobile!  Quite mobile-- enough to get a dog toy and put it in his mouth (great!).  My days of putting him on the floor with a bunch of toys while he sat happily playing are gone! I can no longer walk away to brush my teeth, get meals ready, do some laundry, etc. without this little guy getting into trouble.  Yikes!

As we enjoy this Easter Sunday together, I am reminded just how blessed and lucky I am to have my little sidekick. I couldn't have made a more amazing, perfect baby. 

To Helmet or Not to Helmet? That is the Question.

I have been aware that Sidekick has positional plagiocephaly (flat head) since he was about 3 1/2 months old.  He began sleeping eight hours at four weeks old and 12 hours at nine weeks old.  He essentially never moved while sleeping, and he still doesn't move much; hence the "help" in creating the flat head.  Because of how he was positioned in me during pregnancy, he always preferred to sleep with his head facing one direction. I tried everything from early on to reverse this: flipped him to the other end of the crib to force him to look out into the room instead of the wall, wedge something under the flat side of his head while in his Rock 'n Play to get the pressure off that spot, more tummy time, physical therapy, etc. While all of that has helped, he still have quite a flat spot. 

He was evaluated at about 5 months old and a helmet was recommended.  Since we were approaching the holidays, I asked for additional time to "intervene" since he was not going to be at school for two weeks due to the holidays and traveling.  She was on board with that request.  A month later, his measurements got better, and I bought him one more month to improve.  At that time, his measurements improved again, and a helmet was not recommended because his head will round out.  It just might take longer without the helmet.  I was okay with this and trusted the woman.  During that appointment, I met a family with twins, and one of their twins was in the same situation.  The mom and I exchanged phone numbers and went back and forth via phone and texting to determine if we should do the helmet or not (even though we were both told it was not necessary). 

Fast forward a few weeks, and the mom let me know they were taking their son to Children's Hospital for a second opinion.  It was at that point that a helmet was recommended for her son.  Here's where things get sticky.  For the helmet to be most effective in rounding out the head, it must be started no later than seven months. Sidekick and the other boy are almost nine months old!  The helmet must be worn 23 hours a day for 3-6 months.  Ugh!  Is it worth it?

I am taking Sidekick to Children's tomorrow to be evaluated.  The doctor will do X-rays again, and I'm bringing his first set to see if there has been improvement.  I don't want the helmet.  I never have wanted the helmet, but I've been very open to it the entire time because I want to do what's best for my son.  It's purely cosmetic and insurance doesn't cover the hefty $1500 bill.  His facial features are fine and ears are even (in really bad cases, this is not always the case). So I guess it comes down to how perfect I want my son to be.

So... who do I trust?  If Person A said his head will eventually round out and doesn't need a helmet, and Person B says he does need a helmet but because I waited so long it won't be as effective, what do I do? 

Parent's Worst Nightmare

Before I begin writing what happened, I want to state upfront that my little sidekick is just fine.

I've never really thought much about SIDS because I didn't want to be a paranoid mom.  I've always considered myself a very relaxed mom who doesn't get too riled up about things.  When Cooper fell backwards on his head at daycare (on the wood floor of course!) and they called me to let me know, I asked, "Did he land on the rounded out spot and push out the flat spot?"  (He has plagiocephaly.)  I wasn't worried about him. When he fell over face first in the bathtub, I didn't panic and sat him up and told him he's okay.  When my dog kisses him, I laugh knowing that he's going to get a bath anyway.  When he chokes on his food, I just calmly talk to him while he coughs it up and then offer him some water.  Last night was an entirely different situation...

Sidekick goes to sleep no later than 7:00.  He's not one that moves around in his crib at night, but he will change positions.  I've been "forcing" him to sleep on his side or his stomach because of the plagiocephaly, but he really prefers his back.  Last night, he chose to sleep on his side which I was thrilled about.  I happened to wake up at 3:00 AM and turned on the monitor to look at him.  I noticed that he has not moved at all!  I immediately ran to his room and put my hand on him to feel him breathe. While he was on his side, he face was a little in the mattress, but his nose and mouth were visible, but I couldn't feel him breathing.  I noticed that his pajamas and sheet were wet, and all I could remember was when I put my dog to sleep I was told that she might lose her faculties.  I jumped to the worst conclusion!  I rolled Sidekick onto his back and still couldn't feel him breathe.  I picked him up and calmly shook him a bit to try to rouse him and was unsuccessful.  Finally, he let out a little squeal that clearly told me he was pissed because I woke him up.

I laid him on his changing table to put dry PJs and a diaper on him, all the while he was calm and quiet.  I didn't want to change his sheet, and I was still worried about him, so I brought him in bed with me so I could hear/feel him breathe.  (This is NOT a normal practice in this household!)  I laid him down and he began kicking his legs, petting my face, "talking" to me, etc.  It went on for well over an hour until he finally drifted off to sleep in my arms. 

For whatever reason, I caught Sidekick in a very deep sleep, so his breathing was very, very shallow.  It was a moment I never want to experience again.  It was a moment, though brief, that I thought I lost my baby.  Today I became that paranoid mom I was so trying to avoid.  I fear him going to sleep tonight, and I've never had that fear before. I can't shake that image in my head of my baby lying there, and I couldn't rouse him.  It was horrible. Horrible. Horrible.  I pray that God keeps my sweet little sidekick safe and healthy.  It's all I can do at this moment and beyond. 

First Birthday Party Pressure

Tomorrow my little Sidekick will be eight months old!  I cannot believe how wonderful these eight months have been.  I cannot believe how much I love this little guy.  I've said it before, but he truly is the perfect baby.  I can find no fault in him:  from being an incredible sleeper to being a great eater to be so happy and funny to being so laid back.  He is everything I could have hoped for and more.

Now that we are approaching his first birthday, I feel the pressure of having to do something to celebrate.  Off the bat, I want to set a precedence that his birthday is not about presents (neither is Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day, etc.).  If I do something for his birthday, in lieu of presents, I want money to be donated in his name to the charity of each person's choice.  When he grows up, I want him to know that just by being born, he helped all a lot of organizations. When he gets older, it might change because his friends will be getting presents, but for now and for as long as possible, I'm firm on this.  (Don't get me wrong, he'll get presents from me, my sister and her family, and my mom and her husband, and that is plenty.) 

We went to a first birthday party last weekend, and while it was fun, the birthday boy had no idea what was going on.  While I had pretty much decided that I'm not doing anything, I kind of felt bad. Clearly the parties are for the parents to celebrate the birth of their child.  I get that.  A lot of people love my baby, but I don't necessarily think it means we need to have a party.  My condo is not big enough to have a group of people which then means whatever I do, I'll have to pay for the location, and I don't want to spend money doing that.  So, I continue to ponder this situation.  Knowing how fast eight months have gone, the next four are going to be even faster, so I've got to come up with a plan soon. 

Am I horrible not having a 1st birthday party for my son?  Is it okay to do something with my best friend and her family?  Why must these occasions be such a production?  Anyone, anyone?

Empty Place at the Dining Room Table

I previously wrote about the day Sidekick asks why he doesn't have a Daddy.  This hangs over my head so much even though Sidekick is only 7 1/2 months old.  I play the conversation over and over in my head while looking at my sweet, happy baby, and none of the explanations seems "right".  Bottom line... I was unlucky in love but didn't want to miss my chance to have a baby.  That has always been a dream of mine since as long as I can remember.  Due to modern technology, I was able to do just that.  Is that a good enough explanation? 

When I announced on Facebook that Sidekick was born, one of my friends congratulated my unborn child on picking me to be his mommy. I love that! I've always said (and wrote) that if things were meant to be, then I would have a baby.  I always said (and wrote) that it has to be the "right" sperm and "right" egg for me to get the baby I'm supposed to have.  That's why it took eight IUIs! It was my last vial of sperm!  I was emotionally spent!  I was exhausted!  I was done!  But nope!  That was when my perfect baby came to be.  That was when he picked me. 

How does a Mom explain to her son the choice she made (that could in retrospect hurt/upset him)?  I don't believe that Sidekick will really be at a disadvantage because he doesn't have a Dad.  In fact, I hope one day Sidekick will have a Dad and some step siblings.  My best friend's husband will be a great role model, and while my sister and brother-in-law live far away, my brother-in-law will be an important part of Sidekick's life as well. I'm athletic, so we'll play sports together, hike together, go camping together, etc. We can do this.

I certainly don't regret doing what I did, and I never have, even for a brief moment.  I am so in love with my sidekick.  It's a love that is indescribable.  But I know that my wordless sidekick will start talking, and he will have questions.  I hope I can be the best parent to him.  I hope that I can live up to his expectations.  I hope that he will love me regardless of what I did.  I hope that he will never be angry about being brought into this world with only a Mommy. 

I will struggle with this until Sidekick and I talk about it. Who knows how long Sidekick will struggle with it.  I hope with all of my being that Sidekick will be okay with it because it's all he knows, and I provide him everything he needs.  I hope he never feels like there is an empty place at the dining room table. 

Sick Momma! (And a Dilemma at School)

Well, it finally happened... the dreadful time when I am sick and have the responsibility of a seven month old.  I felt it coming on yesterday, and thankfully Sidekick was on his best behavior after I picked him up from school.  I went to bed much earlier than normal and was not looking forward to Sidekick waking up in the morning because I had to get him dressed, fed, and off to school.  I had a feeling that I was going to take the day off when I went to sleep which is what I immediately decided to do as soon as I woke up and realized my entire body was achy! I'm pretty sure my scalp even hurt.

I got Sidekick up and out the door so fast so that I could get him to school and take care of myself for the day.  I got home, talked to my friend on the phone, and crawled into bed.  When Sidekick was in infant I rarely napped because I had so much to do (I never listened to the "sleep when baby sleeps" rule), but somehow today I managed to sleep over three hours!  That is such a rarity for me so I knew that I was sick!

I felt a little better when I woke up, so I showered, took my dog for a walk, and picked up Sidekick earlier than planned.  I get Mommy Guilt often when he is at school even though he is rarely there for more than 7 1/2 hours a day.  Nonetheless, even when I'm sick, I still feel like he should be home with me, so my lucky sidekick came home earlier than normal.

My dilemma at school... Sidekick does not nap well when he is there.  He's never been a great napper to begin with (primarily because he's been sleeping 12-13 hours straight since he was nine weeks old), but on the weekends, I've finally got him taking a long afternoon nap.  Anyway, when he started in the classroom he is in now, I typed out a cheat sheet with a "loose" schedule, things he likes, doesn't like, etc.  One of the things I explained is that he takes his morning nap about 2 1/2 hours after waking up in the morning, and he takes his afternoon nap about 2 1/2 hours after waking up from his morning nap.  I've noticed this does not happen at school because his afternoon naps are WAY off.  He's up for about four hours before he takes his afternoon nap.  I think he is overtired and therefore not going to nap well. I need to explain the napping thing to them again in hopes that Sidekick will sleep better than he currently does.

What I liked about this school (I toured 11 of them when trying to decide where I will take Sidekick) is that the babies/kids move by ability (roughly every six months). It's the only place I found that does that. While I loved his teachers in the first classroom, I am not a fan of his teachers now. Sidekick is my baby, but why do I always feel bad asking his teachers to do something for him or even asking them questions about his day (when it really means I'm kind of questioning them)?  Ugh!  Mommy Guilt...

"Did you have a volunteer?"

I previously wrote about 3 1/2 year old Lauren asking if a picture she saw was Sidekick and his daddy.  I know that questions will be coming up from kids in Sidekick's life who are older than him, and I know Sidekick will one day ask about his daddy.  My almost nine year old nephew has been asking his mom and dad how babies are made.  My sister and brother-in-law decided to have "the talk" with him shortly before Christmas.  They've always been open and honest with him about everything, and together they explained how a baby is made: two people fall in love, get married, have sex (sperm and egg unite), make a baby.  Simple, and he understood it and handled it well.  (He did comment how he was sad that Sidekick doesn't have a daddy.) 

Fast forward a few days, and my nephew was in the car telling their neighbor that Baby Sidekick is coming for Christmas.  All of a sudden a light bulb went off:  How did my aunt have a baby?!  We knew this would happen because my nephew knows that I'm not married let alone have a man in my life.  My sister quickly changed the subject and drove away. 

I was washing dishes on Christmas Eve day while we were preparing dinner when my nephew came to me to talk about Sidekick's daddy. He asked, "Did you have a volunteer? What's his name?"  He was so proud of himself for figuring it out.  My sister jokingly asked, "His name or his number?"  We both laughed.

My nephew didn't ask anything else, and he seemed satisfied with this "arrangement" Sidekick's daddy and I had.  He didn't judge at all.  He loves Sidekick even though he doesn't have a daddy.  I wonder when the wheels in his head will start spinning again, but for now, he's happy now that he knows how Sidekick came to be. 

If you are a SMC, how much information do you provide to older kids about your baby's daddy?

First Time Really Feeling Overwhelmed, Exhausted, and Spent!

I really have never felt the challenge of being a single Momma until this week.  A couple of days ago, I wrote about Sidekick being sick and me having a busy, crazy work week.  Sidekick was feeling great and ready to go to school Friday.  When I picked him up, he was fine and in pretty good spirits.  That night, he woke up crying a couple of times (got himself back to sleep) but woke up for good before the sun rose (which never happens!).  I knew it was going to be a bad day, and I was definitely not looking forward to it being Saturday.  He took horrible naps and screamed a lot during the day.  Today seems to be a repeat of yesterday, and while he is whining in his crib at the moment, that little dude better take a long nap. 

Being outside typically makes Sidekick happy.  It's in the upper 30's today, but that has never stopped us from going for a walk.  I bundled him up, grabbed Dog, and off we went.  He was happy the entire time (of course).  When the wind blew in his face, he sucked it in through his nose and laughed.  When he could see Macey, he laughed at her.  He took in the blue sky and birds flying.  He was content.  Forty five minutes later, we came home and I took him out of the stroller only to find him missing a sock.  Of course that would happen because that's just the weekend it's been.  Thankfully he had a blanket on him, but I still felt bad his little toes were so cold. Since the stroller was put away and the dog was inside, Sidekick and I walked around nearby in hopes of finding it, but we had no success.  I threw him in the car seat and drove around the neighborhood until we came upon it.  If it was a plain sock, I wouldn't worry, but it was one of my favorite socks of his, so I had to find it. 

See how cute and innocent he looks during this walk?  This is so NOT who my baby has been for seven days!  He can fake out anyone!

So, going back to the heading of this entry... Sidekick has always been a good baby, but after seven days of him being sick and/or constantly crabby, my limits and patience have been pushed and tested!  I haven't been to the gym in a week, Macey hadn't been walked in days until today, and I haven't had a chance to clean my home...  all because I have had a sick and crabby baby.  I have absolutely no one to whom I can hand him (even if for a brief moment so I can make lunch).  He is all mine 24/7, except when he is at school.  I have felt the pressures this week, and I'd be lying if I said I can't wait to take him to school tomorrow!  It is a company holiday for me, so I plan to clean, work out, and have a massage.  This Momma needs a break and a little relaxation. 

I am thankful that Sidekick is normally such a easy and good baby.  But when he is having an "off" day (or in this case, week), he is horrible!  I know being a working mom is hard, but add the word "single" in front of that, and it gets just a little harder.  But when I look at that cute picture above, I can't help but smile and love him.

Fellow SMC, when did you feel overwhelmed for the first time?