tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59325529224015936242023-11-16T05:35:11.872-06:00Going Solo with my SidekickPrince Charming was nowhere to be found and my biological clock was ticking loudly and quickly. What's a woman to do? Shop for some sperm, take some fertility meds, and get pregnant!
Join me in my journey as a Single Mother by Choice (SMC) and the ups and downs of raising my funny, loving, kind son, Sidekick, who shows me what love truly is.SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.comBlogger258125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-55924125263878511302017-08-14T11:02:00.000-05:002017-08-14T11:02:59.223-05:00Farewell Blogging World<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have shared my world for about seven years with complete strangers. I started this blog when I decided to be a SMC while I questioned everything and went through the process of even seeing if my body was capable of conceiving a child. I blogged during seven failed IUIs until the eighth one finally stuck. I've documented Sidekick's life over the years. I have shared my hopes, dreams, happiness, sadness, uncertainties, loneliness, excitement, frustration, etc. and have been open and honest along the way without caring what anyone thought about what I had to say. Sidekick recently turned five and started kindergarten last week, and I think with that comes the decision to end my blog. It's been a great way to document things and has been a great outlet for me, and one day I will share everything with Sidekick, but for now, I am saying farewell to my blog and to my readers, whoever and wherever you may be. This is a little harder than I thought it would be...</span><br />
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SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-59476197295539902862017-06-23T09:38:00.001-05:002017-06-23T09:38:22.267-05:00Changes<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This has been a very emotional month for me and Sidekick, and we've had a lot going on. There's been so much happening that I'm barely keeping it together. Here's a quick synopsis of the emotional roller coaster I feel like I've been riding:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Sidekick graduated from PreK, and that's hard for me.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Grandma came in town for a week.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Sidekick had an early 5th birthday party (his birthday is next month). Since most of his PreK/daycare friends left school to attend summer camps right after graduation, I wanted one last hurrah with these kids he's known his entire life.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. Sidekick got his front tooth pulled because he fell last fall, it turned brown, and started getting infected.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. I went out of town for work for three days and for the first time ever, I had a babysitter take care of Sidekick since my mom was unavailable.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. Sidekick's last day of school/daycare is today and the thought of it is really sad. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. We leave tomorrow to visit my Mom for a week or so.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8. When we get back, Sidekick will start summer camp at his elementary school and a month later, he will start kindergarten.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Phew! It probably doesn't sound like a lot to most people, but to me, it's chaos in our very simple, calm life that we typically have. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm still so on the fence about him going to kindergarten. He's a very smart boy, and I've been told by the person who did his four year old screening at the school district and the director and teachers at Prek/daycare, that he's ready. But he's young... so young and I see that when he's around the older kids. He will be one of (if not THE) youngest in his kindergarten class. He just doesn't have the maturity yet, but I have no Plan B for him if he doesn't go. I don't know what I would do with him because he already knows so much more than he needs to know going to kindergarten, so he would be so bored if I held him back. If he wasn't so smart, this wouldn't be keeping me awake a night. Haha. So I worry, and truthfully, I've worried since I finally got pregnant. Being in the education field, I know a lot... maybe too much.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I'm hoping going on vacation for a week will allow us to reset and that Sidekick grows at least six months maturity-wise during this time. Haha. But once we get back, all the newness begins. It's like our life is starting over like it did when I took him to daycare the very first time. I'm trusting people I don't know to love my son and take good care of him. After four short weeks, I'll do it all over again when he starts kindergarten, and together we will navigate this new chapter together. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Change... it can be so good, but it can be so hard. As Sidekick keeps telling me, he's "happy sad" about everything that is happening to him. Wise little boy because I, too, am happy sad.</span> SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-53090787769883785802017-05-16T10:38:00.001-05:002017-05-16T10:38:20.061-05:00"Strong Like Mom"<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mother's Day weekend... when you are a SMC with an almost five year old, it's just another weekend. There's no one to plan anything special. There's no one to help around the house. There's no one to make me breakfast. There's no one! But you know what? I don't care. I celebrate Sidekick this weekend! What more could I possibly want/ask for than him? He's better than any present, breakfast, great plans, etc. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidekick proudly wore this t-shirt for his Mother's Day tea at school and then again when we went to church. He knew what it said and he was proud to wear it.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLmd-J91aLTSkOfwinm4nS9mpJXiagdor1Wf8YCRN8L21BmbI45Q7gkdyG9nfc76v5Z99QZhIS8V0HZw7CEsCJMRLRJrpshlmcUvdySiPvq0eU0V_pZFgtuz1zyH54VM6JSzQJLZPBNekD/s1600/Coop+Digging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLmd-J91aLTSkOfwinm4nS9mpJXiagdor1Wf8YCRN8L21BmbI45Q7gkdyG9nfc76v5Z99QZhIS8V0HZw7CEsCJMRLRJrpshlmcUvdySiPvq0eU0V_pZFgtuz1zyH54VM6JSzQJLZPBNekD/s320/Coop+Digging.jpg" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzVYOWuJw6I-Q3L82NjwdRKg4Jk2q8SDml93n1xtBVnL56KZTeiG0gdltQCcYWaBVPpQmf92_f53L-zDu5szr9SFr9r76mtaJ9f9Iz4xviGkCJo813VCK5m8h2qZZJg8seBFH-tWpbTIhg/s1600/Coop+Holding+Flowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzVYOWuJw6I-Q3L82NjwdRKg4Jk2q8SDml93n1xtBVnL56KZTeiG0gdltQCcYWaBVPpQmf92_f53L-zDu5szr9SFr9r76mtaJ9f9Iz4xviGkCJo813VCK5m8h2qZZJg8seBFH-tWpbTIhg/s320/Coop+Holding+Flowers.jpg" width="240" /></a><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I put Sidekick to bed on Saturday night, he told me that he was excited to celebrate "us" on Mother's Day. And he's right. It's not a day about me. It's a day about him/us. I am grateful and blessed to have this amazing boy in my life. For Valentine's Day, I put hearts on his door and wrote him sweet messages on each heart about what I love about him. (I haven't taken them down.) When he was supposed to be in bed and while I was downstairs, he took all of the hearts off his door and put them on mine. Seriously, he is the sweetest kid ever! The next morning, he was so excited that he had done that for me and ran into my room to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For the fourth year in a row, we bought tomato plants and flowers and worked in our garden. Sidekick loves doing this and it's an activity I enjoy doing with him. He takes his job very seriously and spends the hours by my side helping me. He's patient, gentle, and proud of his work.</span> </div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After our hard work, Sidekick played with some of the older neighborhood boys, we both took showers, went to Red Box to get a movie, curled up together on the sofa, and had pizza for dinner, followed by a 6:45 bedtime. It was a good day. It was a day about us. It was not a day where I needed any fanfare. It was a perfect day.</span></div>
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SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-10107723893855902382017-04-26T12:18:00.002-05:002017-04-26T12:18:45.799-05:00Ending my Blog????<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've been writing this blog for over six years. It started when I decided 100% that I was ready to take the plunge and be a Single Mother by Choice. It has taken me from the many IUIs I had to do to the approach of Sidekick's 5th birthday. I'm thinking that it might be time to end my blogging endeavor. This has been a private blog which means family and friends don't know about it. I wanted it this way so that I can be 100% honest and not worry about people judging me. While they probably "judge" me, I don't really care because I don't know any of these people. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've "met" some great people along the way. I've had support from people all around the world. I've used this as my outlet. I've been open and have written whatever I have felt at various times in my life. I have shared my life and my son's life with people all around the world. It might be time to just let this blog die while I have at least have 6+ years of memories to read about for many years to come. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm going to really ponder this and decide if I am going to keep blogging, and if so, why keep going? So bear with me as I make this decision. Maybe I'll end my blog with Sidekick's 5th birthday or maybe his first day of kindergarten or maybe ten years from now. : ) </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial;">Stay tuned...</span>SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-62511110116933466412017-04-03T11:23:00.001-05:002017-04-03T11:23:46.893-05:00Video: How to be a Good Person "Pledge"<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I adore this video of Sidekick for so many reasons. I can think of many adults who need to say this Pledge every day also...</span><br />
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<br />SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-64932852757679540782017-03-27T15:09:00.001-05:002017-03-27T15:09:43.735-05:00Kindergarten???<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidekick has been in quite a PITA lately, and we have just not been jiving together, if that makes sense. For the past several weeks, he's been having some issues at school with listening, staying on task, etc. Every day I would get a bad report about him which would just piss me off and lead me to getting frustrated with him. His behavior made me question sending him to kindergarten in fall. He'll be five in July, and the cutoff for going to kindergarten is August 1st, so he will be one of the youngest in his class. Academically, he scores way above where he needs to, but his behavior at school reinforces that he is just young, maybe too young to go to kindergarten. I've questioned the kindergarten thing ever since I got pregnant with him (truth!), probably because I'm in the education field, so I know the challenges of a young kid vs. an older kid. So my struggle has been this:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do I hold him back because he's young and with "youngness" comes behavior problems even though academically he is more than ready?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do I send him because he is academically ready, and cross my fingers that he has a good teacher who will work with him?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This shit keeps me awake at night. I feel like this one decision will set him up for success or failure for the rest of his educational career. I worry that holding him back will create more/different issues because he'll be so darn bored, and that will cause additional problems.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week, he did a 180! He just turned into this different, lovely kid. His reports from school were amazing. His behavior at home was perfect. I yelled less, got frustrated less, and truly enjoyed being with him every single day. What happened to him? I don't think I yelled at him one time this past weekend. I enjoyed every minute with him. I loved that he was so good and helpful while we ran errands, cleaned, did laundry, etc. He was a dream. He was my sweet boy who I adored more than ever. Of course I loved him while he was being a PITA, but there were plenty of times that I didn't like him.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If THAT kid stays around, I am 100% confident that he will be ready for and will be successful in kindergarten. But I'm pretty sure that I have jinxed myself by putting all of that in writing, and he'll do a 180 again in the wrong direction. That's just the way my luck is. But then I look at this cute face, and I remind myself that it's possible he can continue being the awesome kid he's been!</span></div>
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SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-1153291142313358152017-03-09T12:51:00.000-06:002017-03-23T13:30:22.206-05:00Disney World-- It's not REALLY the Happiest Place, is it?<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Last weekend we got back from our whirlwind trip to Disney World, and I can't understand why people go there more than once in their lifetime. Really, I can't. While I loved seeing such joy and excitement in Sidekick's face, it's certainly not a place I'd like to go again. It's kind of a rite of passage, and I'm glad we went, but as he said the day we left, "Goodbye, hotel room. I'll see you again when I get old like my Momma." He's right. He can take his kids while I am happily hanging out in my retirement home. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The trip was exhausting, which I total expected. The entire place is like a well oiled machine which makes the trip so much easier. The meal plans, transportation, Fast Passes, etc. are all there to make the trip more enjoyable. We went to Magic Kingdom for 2 1/2 days, and Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios one day each. We rode a lot of rides, got signatures from a bunch of characters, he did Jedi training, he wiped out big time and got a goose egg on his forehead, ate at some cool places with characters, swam, and I had to reign him in during all of it. He was crazy! His listening was less than good which made me completely crazy (and I know it made our friends bonkers), but sometimes it's hard to reel him in amongst all of the stimulation and excitement. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial";">But is it magical??? Sure... if you are a kid or one of those crazy adult Disney fanatics.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I was so worried we'd get sick right before or during our vacation. I was wrong. We got sick right afterwards. I have what I'm pretty sure is influenza. I'm now on day five and feel a little better today than any other day. Along with my cough, runny nose, and sneezing, my body has been so achy, and no matter what kids of meds I take, nothing took away the achy muscles and joints. I've had to sleep with a heating pad on my legs because I have been in so much pain. I seriously don't know the last time I have been so sick. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Then on Tuesday, I got a call from school that Sidekick had a fever, so he has a much milder version of what I have. His fever finally broke last night, but he's home again today. I'm hoping that the fever stays away so he can at least go to school tomorrow. We've had a little too much bonding time over the past almost two weeks. Haha.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here are some pics from our vacation:</span><br />
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<br />SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-77865224689643405942017-02-14T18:49:00.002-06:002017-02-14T18:49:05.020-06:00Plugging Along in Life and Total BS<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've been quite unmotivated lately... I mean really unmotivated. I feel like I suck at being a Mom right now because I just want to curl up in my bed for the day and hide. I registered Sidekick for kindergarten last night, and I'm still so on the fence about sending him. Academically he's beyond ready-- he is working at a 6 1/2 year old level when he's only 4 1/2. BUT, he's young and will be almost the youngest boy in his class. Along with being young comes immaturity, and he's still having issues at school with focusing, keeping his hands to himself, wanting to be the class clown, etc. Those are the reasons to hold him back, but the experts in the district think that holding him back will result in additional problems such as boredom, which will then cause additional problems. So, right now, I'm going to send him, with the realization that I can decide at any moment that he isn't going to go. I feel like this decision is going to set him up for success or failure for the next 20 years!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I ended my 2016 sales year on an amazing high note, closing a $2 million sale in December. It's never happened before, and it put me over my sales goal. Without explaining how/why because it's too confusing and complicated, they are not paying me a HUGE chunk of my bonus!!!! I am so f'ing pissed and am kind of on strike right now. I pretty much worked one hour today, and I didn't give one flying f***! Why would I work my ass off when they screwed me? I'm not talking about a few thousand dollars. I'm talking about a hell of a lot more than that, and I am so upset about it. My manager is fighting it because it affects his bonus as well and it's WRONG, and we have upper management on our side, but I and my bonus are at the mercy of someone (no idea who that is). I will appeal, fight, sue, whatever to get my money that I worked so hard for. It makes me sick that they would do this to me. I've been with my company for almost 18 years, and they pull this shit. Why would I kill myself this year like I did last year when they screwed me over? How unmotivating is that? I am hoping whoever that someone is will change his/her mind, but it's not looking promising. It's disgusting, and it makes me so angry thinking about it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are about 12 days away from our vacation in hell. I mean Disney. I'm not looking forward to it because it's way too scheduled (not my kind of vacation), but I know Sidekick will have an amazing time, amongst several breakdowns from exhaustion. Nothing like throwing a pretty scheduled kid who loves to sleep into a burning fire and think that all will be well. It would be silly if I believed that. Attitude adjustment needed please.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh yeah! Happy Singles Awareness Day. I sure love my boy, and don't care about this stupid day.</span> SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-10789299503561838932017-01-27T15:03:00.002-06:002017-02-13T14:27:28.685-06:00Chaos<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the midst of complete chaos in my life, last month a fellow SMC friend asked me and Sidekick to join her and her son in Disney World next month. It's a trip I've wanted to take and if Sidekick goes to kindergarten this year instead of holding him back, our time to do this without working around a school calendar is now! Plus, I think it'll be more fun for the boys to have a buddy to hang with and for the moms to keep each other going when we want to kill our sons. Ha! This SMC and I met on some SMC chat board, but I can't even remember which one. We live in different states, so we've really only gotten together two times since our boys were born. It'll be a little strange since we are more acquaintances than friends, but regardless, the whole trip will be more fun (and less lonely)with someone else. This is the most UN-relaxing vacation I will have ever taken! Everything is scheduled: Fast passes, character meals, and plain old sit down meals. I'm going to need a vacation when I get back from my vacation.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Back to the chaos... I ended my 2016 sales year with a bang. At the 11th hour, I brought in an unheard of $2M sale. It put me over my sales goal, one that was really unattainable when it was handed to me in January of 2016. A $2M account has never happened to me in the almost 14 years I've been doing this, and it'll never happen again. Usually around the holidays, work is slow and I get some downtime. It's nice. It gives me time to recuperate. It gives me time to just build up for the next sales year. I didn't get that downtime, and I was immediately thrown into a new sales year that is already out of control and it's only January.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Did I mention my vacation next month? So whoever decided that February would be a great time to go on vacation clearly didn't know what early 2017 had in store for her. I have a total of $3M in various accounts being decided by mid-March. So, let's throw a week's vacation during a horrible time careerwise right at the time when decisions will start to be made. I've already had two requests for a sales presentation during my vacation, and the sales presentations will have to be entrusted to someone else because I can't be there. Shit! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So the next six weeks are complete chaos! I had super early appointments and longer than normal work days this week. Sidekick's schedule was definitely thrown off as he was going to school about 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal, and he made it a point to tell me every morning that the moon was still up when we pulled out of the driveway. I am very thankful that he just goes with the flow and knows when he Momma is working extra hard to "get the big dollars" (love him). Nonetheless, I feel the stress more than normal. And to top it all off, he was a complete asshole at school this week. He slapped a kid, hit a kit, and hit a teacher. He spend three nights in a row writing apology notes and drawing pictures. Sidekick is not a hitter (and never has been), so I have no idea what is up with him this week! I don't want to make our busy, insane week an excuse, but I sure am hoping that we'll get back to normal next week. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I think I may have written about my friend/colleague and the fact that I "ended" our friendship in December because she wasn't there for me when I needed her despite the fact that I was always there for her for everything. For some reason, I struggled with this day after day because I missed her. I didn't want to be friends with her because I didn't know how/if I could trust her, but at the same time, I wanted to be friends with her. So amongst the chaos in my life, I was realizing how much what happened to our friendship was bringing me down in my already feeling down world. We had a long talk last week. I'm not sure if she can and will be the friend that I need and can be to her, but as I have talked to her about people in my life being in "buckets", she may need to be in a different bucket than I thought she could/would be in. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Buckets? What do I mean by that? Everyone in my life has a purpose: the ones I can talk to about personal things, the ones who have been around forever and know me like no one else, the ones who are my friends because Sidekick is friends with their kids, the ones who are colleagues, the ones who are colleagues and a friend, etc. Each person kind of has a role in my life and I know what to expect from each of them and who I can go to for what. And people can move into different buckets as relationships change for the better or worse. Now, that may sound trite or crazy, but it helps me know where everyone fits.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Back to my friend... she's the kind of person who will have what I call "diarrhea of the mouth". She has the amazing ability to just open up, be vulnerable, and tell me whatever she needs/wants to about what is troubling her. I am truly amazed by her special power and wish I could be a fraction of that, but for whatever reason, I'm just not. This blog tends to be my outlet since my readers are a bunch of people who don't know me, and I don't care what I write/say. And after we hashed things out (I think) and decided that we did in fact what to be friends (I think), I had "diarrhea of the mouth" and for the first time since I've been in a bad place the past few months, I opened up to someone (her) and told her I just can't keep going. I can't keep my head above water. I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning because that means I have to face another day. I can't be the Momma Sidekick deserves. l actually hate being a mom right now (even though I love Sidekick so much). What's scary is that I don't know why. There's so much stress and chaos in my life right now, and I've usually been able to not let it completely ruin me, but I think I am in so deep that I can't get out. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She really encouraged me to meet/talk with my doctor and talk about possibly taking meds. I struggle with that suggestion. While I think she is probably right, I can't get past the fact that in my head, resorting to meds makes me weak, incompetent, etc. That means I'm a failure. Truthfully, I can't function. I have zero balance in my life. I keep thinking that my body will somehow "reset" itself, but I think it's not going to happen that easily especially since I cried while reading "A Fish out of Water" to Sidekick last night. The book is obviously not sad, but I think after hearing that he was so horrible at school from his teacher who took him home because I couldn't pick him up in time, I just hit that proverbial wall. I felt like a failure of a Mom who is incapable of raising a well natured child which literally brought me to tears. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So here we are on a Friday, and I have a weekend ahead of us. It's a weekend where I'd prefer to not be an adult (or at least one without responsibilities) and just watch TV and read a book all weekend. I am hoping that Sidekick has better behavior this weekend than he has all week because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to handle my kid being a complete asshole. Right now, I'm just needing to take one hour at a time because that seems to be about all I can handle at the moment. Hopefully we'll come out on the other side feeling like we are back on track. </span>SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-13580450196949088282016-12-27T17:35:00.004-06:002016-12-27T17:35:59.264-06:00Christmas Wrap-up<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've mentioned it several times that I am not a fan of the holidays. I just don't have the best memories of them growing up. Now that I am an adult with a child, I am bound and determined for Sidekick to not feel the same way. I've decided that holidays, especially Christmas, will be stress free, calm, and relaxing. When I was/am with my family, it doesn't feel like that at all which is why I have chosen to not go out of town to my sister's. This year my mom spent Christmas with my sister and her family (she alternates between us), so it was just me and Sidekick.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ugly Sweater Day at School</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Magic of Christmas</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the past, I have found the holidays to be a little sad and lonely. This year was different. This year felt good. Sidekick and I made a lasagna the morning of Christmas Eve while listening to Christmas music and singing loudly. Sidekick LOVES to cook and it's fun to have him help me. I now trust him with a sharp knife and he does a great job cutting things. Later that day, we went to church... Sidekick to Kids Ministry and I to the big church. It felt good, and I was happy. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We came home, cooked our amazing lasagna, and ate our Christmas dinner in our Christmas PJs instead of our church clothes. It was Sidekick's suggestion, so why not? Who says we have to dress up for Christmas dinner? I read "'Twas the Night before Christmas" to him after eating chocolate pie, and he was sound asleep before 7:30. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Christmas morning with Sidekick was special and calm. Sidekick was appreciative and excited about each gift and Santa gave him what he wanted. My sister texted at 11:00 wondering what we were up to. I told her we could skype then. She responded "in a bit" (apparently her husband wasn't home right then???). Two hours later, I was still waiting. I kept trying to hold off putting together presents, starting a project, etc. because I kept telling Sidekick we will skype "in a bit". I was annoyed and texted my sister only to find that her boys were outside playing! WTF?!? We had been waiting.. apparently "in a bit" means several f'ing hours! I asked two separate times what time we could skype and never got a response.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> By the time they were ready to skype, Sidekick was watching a movie he got for Christmas and I wasn't about to interrupt it. Besides, at that point, their dinner was going to be ready in 30 minutes, so opening presents would have been rushed. Their <em>two</em> hour dinner finally ended at the time when our dinner was beginning, and Sidekick was exhausted and I had a migraine. I texted that we would have to skype the next day (apparently not convenient for them, but I didn't care). Sidekick didn't care at that point about opening more presents, and his disappointment was finally over.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My mom called me that night and couldn't understand why I was irritated. That conversation ended quickly. It was the first time I had heard from my mom all day. Merry f'ing Christmas. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidekick wanted this ugly ass robot monkey from Santa. I found it on sale and had a gift card for him, so I got it for him. It's plastic and heavy, and he insisted on sleeping with it! At 1:55 AM he came into my room to tell me that the monkey was scaring him. Of course it was! He's ugly and terrifying. I walked him back to his room and put the monkey on the floor at the other end of his room. He immediately wanted to play with it in the morning.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next morning my mom texted me and a text argument commenced. I told her that Skyping with the her family should have happened before my brother-in-law went somewhere and before the boys went outside to play. I felt like we were an afterthought. I explained that that will not happen again. My calm, stress-free Christmas was not that anymore because I was so irritated and annoyed with waiting for them. I made it clear that I will NOT do that again! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A couple hours later we skyped my family and opened presents. I didn't care at that point because I was still annoyed. I felt like they let my son down. He was just so wrapped up in the magic and excitement of Christmas and then had to see a bunch of unwrapped presents under the Christmas tree all because of one excuse after another. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Buh-bye Christmas! See you again next year... hopefully with zero chaos and stress! </span></div>
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SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-75822532666679821032016-12-09T13:13:00.002-06:002016-12-19T19:05:56.916-06:00What Happened to November?<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wow! I had no idea that it's been so long since I've blogged! Wasn't it just Halloween and here we are just a little over two weeks away from Christmas.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Life has been insanely busy. For the past four months, I've been working my a$$ off trying to secure a $2 million account (after 14 years doing this, it's my largest one ever!). I won it at one point, and then just two days later, I un-won it because they thought the vote was too close. So for ten more days, I continued to work the account in hopes of a good outcome, and fortunately I won it again! We cut them an amazing deal, but it had to be approved by their Board and Purchase Orders need to be cut. The was a glitch in that on the customer's end. We didn't think we'd be able to get all POs from them, which meant I didn't get 2016 credit for the entire order, which meant a significantly less bonus for me. Ugh! I am hopeful that I will get a PO by the end of the day today or first thing on Monday. Needless to say, there has been an enormous amount of stress, lots of tears, upset stomachs, and sleepless nights. It's been quite an awful four months. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But Halloween was fun and we had a 14th birthday party for Dog:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In not the exact words, Sidekick told me at one point when I was a crazy person with work that I was not a good Mom. Talk about a tug at your heart strings! I was so in over my head that I was doing what I could to survive the stress of work and being a single mom. It was really hard, but he somehow went with the flow and was rewarded with our first time going to Six Flags (bought 2017 season pass that could also be used in 2016). I think I may have redeemed myself a little bit that day, and during the fun time I needed to be reminded of what is really important in life, and it's that sweet boy who calls me "Momma". </span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And that took us into the holidays...</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not a fan of the holidays, and I've mentioned it every year since I started this blog. I wish I could just go to sleep on Thanksgiving and wake up on January 2nd. Shortly after my birthday and before Thanksgiving, I went into a bad funk. For one week, I could barely drag myself out of bed to take care of Sidekick and work. If I was working from home (because I have a home office), I found myself working less and laying on my sofa more and sleeping. One of the weekends Sidekick played in the basement or if he was lucky get to watch "extra" TV while I was two floors up in my bed for hours on end. I checked on him every once in a while, but I just couldn't function. It was bad. Really bad. Through it all, Sidekick was amazing. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not someone who is very open with people when things are not going well in my life, which is probably why I blog anonymously. I tend to just put on a good front. During this time of my bad funk, I told a friend via text that I was not doing well and instead of receiving support from her, she gave me nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was devastated because I thought she could be the friend to help me and to listen to me, instead she walked away. Weeks later, she still doesn't understand why I was upset that she was being such a shitty friend when I needed her the most. Is it so difficult to just ask me what is going on, encourage me to talk to her, let me know she's here for me, etc.? I had supported her so much through personal/work things that she was going through and the minute I hit rock bottom, she left. Eye opening. It really sucks that we work together and had to be together this week. It was awkward, and I was miserable having to spend time with someone who I considered a good friend who ended up hurting me so much. In the end, I decided we can't be close friends like we once were. I even unfriended her on Facebook and silly Fitbit to sever personal ties. I can and will be a civil colleague (as difficult as that may be), but I cannot be in a one sided friendship. But, I miss her... a lot, so this is really, really hard. I'm trying to remind myself that I chose to do this because I didn't get out of her the quality of friendship and support that I was giving her. Did I mention that I miss her?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial";">So there's the latest in my life. I have invited five (or maybe it's six) SMC moms and their kids to our house on Sunday to decorate Christmas cookies. It sounded like a great idea at the time, but now I have to make dozens and dozens of homemade cookies and clean my house. Today was supposed to be a vacation day so I could do all of that; instead, I had to work because there were problems with my $2 million account. And again, the stress level rises. 'Tis the season...</span></div>
SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-13465483928964474102016-10-30T18:12:00.001-05:002017-03-11T11:29:27.377-06:00Did Sidekick Get Gypped?<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have realized that as Sidekick gets older and we are out and about doing a lot of fun things, I find myself being more aware of everyone/everything around us. I realize that I am very much on my own island with my boy. I can't seem to explain what exactly I mean by all of this, but perhaps my fellow SMC pals will understand...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I get really sad around the holidays (I always kind of have), so we have to get through Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. I just wish that I can go to sleep for two months and wake up when it's all over. When Sidekick and I are out doing fun "family" things, I am so aware that our family is "different". Sometimes I think it's even silly to use the word "family" describing us since it's just me and Sidekick. Can two people be considered a "family"? I consider us a "duo" more than a family because family just doesn't seem to fit they type (or is it size?) of family we are. In fact, our return address labels refer to us as "last name Duo". We are total out casters.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I (we) are bombarded with traditional families everywhere we turn. I know (and I tell Sidekick all the time) that there are a lot of different families, but we are surrounded by the ones that have a Mom, Dad, and kids, so unless we are with our local SMC group, he doesn't see those "different" families. We don't even have divorced friends with kids. I've written about this before, but it's hard to do things with other families when the Dad is the odd man out and families want to spend their weekends together as a family. I get together regularly with my local SMC group, but I don't seem to have a close bond with any of them. It's nice to be around people with whom I can relate, but that true friendship just isn't there. I really thought friendships would be easier once I had a child, and in some ways it is, but the deep friendships with people to whom I am connected through Sidekick just aren't there. They are great people and have helped when I've been in a bind with picking up Sidekick from school if I have a late presentation, but I don't consider myself close to them. Would they do anything for us? Absolutely! Would I cry on their sofa? Probably not.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Yesterday we went to a fun Halloween evening event. I invited some friends because quite frankly, I find it very lonely and depressing to do special things with just me and Sidekick. We got there and had to take a tram to the actual location. "Party of Two" here, and we sat in our own row that holds four. Why the hell does this upset me so much???? I felt like everyone was looking at us and feeling sorry for us. I know that wasn't the case, but it seriously tugged at my heart strings, and it got me really thinking...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">... is Sidekick getting gypped in life because I chose to have a baby on my own? He has no siblings. His cousins, aunt, and uncle are an 8 1/2 hour drive away and his grandma is a five hour drive away. That's it! We aren't in physical contact with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Is the way he is growing up fair to him? Did my desire to be a mom override what is best for him? Surely it doesn't, right? But while I try so hard to give him a great, loving, fulfilling, happy life, I wonder if it's enough. If I'm enough. He didn't have a choice in the matter. He got stuck with me. (Although, he does tell me often that God let him choose me to be his Momma, so maybe in fact he did choose his life. Who the heck knows, and I am not a religious person to try and figure that out.)</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We were supposed to go to our friends' house for our annual Halloween festivities, and their youngest has a fever, so they don't want to share their germs. Totally understandable. I immediately wanted to cry because I felt bad for Sidekick that trick or treating is now going to be alone unless I can figure out another plan quickly. It's no fun to trick or treat alone! I'm crushed. He seems much better about it than I, but the thought of him running from house to house with no one next to him just breaks my heart. And me standing there alone while watching him have fun is very, well, lonely. Is he as lonely as I am?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maybe I'm the only SMC who feels this way. Maybe I am the only SMC who yearns for so much more than I have. I didn't think that a baby would make my world perfect, but I also didn't think it would make me feel the way I have been feeling... lonely and selfish for having a child alone. Maybe I am overthinking things, and the way things are are totally okay for Sidekick. After all, right now he doesn't know what's out there in this big world in which we live, but I fear that as he becomes a bigger, more important member of society as he gets older, he will soon realize that yes, he did in fact totally get gypped.</span> <br />
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<br />SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-32419441791968764822016-09-18T16:55:00.002-05:002016-09-18T17:31:18.444-05:00No Pressure... It's just $1 millon!<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm currently trying to close a $1 million dollar account, and the order will come in in December. While this won't get me to my sales goal (because that went up 50%, thank you very much company), it will get me closer and a little bigger of a bonus check. The pressure is on, and all eyes are on me right now. I feel it coming from all directions in my company, and I need my personal life to be as calm as possible so I can focus. Like that would actually happen...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sidekick started coughing on Sunday and didn't sleep well all night. I told the director at his school the next morning that I will not be answering their call the next four weeks because I have way too many important things going on with work to focus on Sidekick. Haha. Lo and behold, Sidekick had his own agenda and woke up at 2:45 AM very distraught that the pictures (of himself) on the walls were moving and changing colors. Totally confused, I had him show me and obviously didn't see what he was seeing, I immediately felt his forehead and he was burning up. His temperature was 104.7. He was seriously freaking out about these pictures, so I called the exchange because of this strange hallucination he was having. The nurse on call was definitely worried, and when she asked me to check him for a rash, he told me that Mickey Mouse was on his ceiling, and the nurse heard that which made her a little more concerned. I gave him Motrin and was told if the fever didn't go down a degree within an hour, then I needed to take him to the ER. So, worried that someone may need to take care of Dog and seeing my not-so-clean-kitchen, I started cleaning at 3:45 AM, just in case (like anyone would even care if my kitchen counters had shit on them. Goodness gracious!). His fever did get lower, and at 4:45 AM, he was still awake in his bed, and I was awake in my bed catching up on my DVR. He finally fell asleep around 5:15, and I didn't. It was a long day and began worrying about meetings that I would be missing that day.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">His doctor wanted to see him even though his fever had broken within hours after only one dose of Motrin to rule out pneumonia. We went in and got the all clear, and the next day he went to school. Wednesday morning at around 5:45 AM about 45 minutes before I had to wake up, Sidekick woke up screaming and crying that he had a bloody nose. Already lacking on sleep because of several days/weeks of insomnia and a late night phone call with a friend, I dragged myself out of bed to clean him up. His bedroom looked like a crime scene! There was blood everywhere! From every piece of bedding to his arms and face to his carpet. Good Lord! Let's add something else to my full agenda for the day. In between work appointments, I rushed home to switch the laundry over. After my work appointments, I rushed home to pick up Sidekick from school, give him a bath, fed him an early dinner, and headed out to a work event for parents. Yep! I took him with me, partly because I didn't want to pay for a babysitter and partly because he had been begging to go to work with me again. He did great, and when the event was over, I rushed back home, made his bed, and threw him in bed because it was past his bedtime. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions. I have this $1 million account looming over my head. I need to be in so many different places at once for this big account and meeting with customers pretty much every day. I can't keep up (or who am I kidding? I can't even begin) with pre-working 2017 sales because I am all consumed with this big account. I feel like I am neglecting all of my other customers (even though I somehow get everything done that they need me to do) because my focus needs to be on this big account. I kind of suck at being a Mom, and when Sidekick needs me the most, I feel like I can't give him what he needs. I can't find a balance right now between work and my personal life. And oh yeah! I desperately need to go running, and haven't done that in weeks. The good news is, this will all come to a screeching halt when I find out in mid-October if I won the account, and I'm afraid where I'll "go" if I lose this account. So damn much is riding on it. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But if anything good came out this week, it's that I was so freaking busy, that I didn't have time to be in a slump. Emotionally I felt better than I have in a several weeks. I was more exhausted than ever, but I felt like I needed to cry less, which is a good thing. Yes, I bitched in my last post that my life is tied up in work and Sidekick, but I was too busy to feel sorry for myself this week. I guess that's a good thing. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I deep cleaned my house yesterday and had a friend and her daughter come over for dinner and to play. Sidekick loves to help me clean, so one of the tasks I gave him was cleaning three toilets. I explained it was very important to get all of the blue cleaner off the inside of the toilet, and he took his job very seriously. Who knew it would take so long for a four year old to do that! It was nice to have a glass of wine with a friend while our kids played. Today was our monthly SMC meeting. We have a small, active group here, but Sidekick gets along great with one of the boys. We spent three hours at the park and then came home and took Dog for a long walk while Sidekick rode his bike.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My focus to continue the momentum of feeling a little better and less in a slump was to keep busy this weekend and surround myself with people so that the loneliness didn't creep back in. I think I succeeded. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And as I was just about click "Publish" to post on this blog, Sidekick got another bloody nose... and much of it is on my brand new carpet in my newly finished basement. It was another gusher! I was somewhat trying to sound like sunshine and roses a little more than my previous post, but right now... FML. Now lets add an ENT appointment into my busy, stressful life. </span><br />
<br />SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-72559559276544315202016-09-10T20:40:00.002-05:002016-09-13T14:21:43.341-05:00A Post That's All Over the Place<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I know I've written about this "issue" before, but I am circling back again: </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I</span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> never thought that my life would be all sunshine and roses once I had a baby, but I never imagined it would feel so empty either. Sidekick definitely filled a void in my heart and my life, but how is it possible to feel so empty and lonely when my life is so consumed with work and Sidekick? Oh yeah... that's right... because it's filled with work and Sidekick and pretty much nothing else. Nothing!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My last post focused on the struggles Sidekick was having at school, and I can fully admit that he was my least favorite person in the world. I literally dreaded picking him up from school and started picking him up later just because I didn't want to have this constant fight with him for longer than I had to. He was just dragging me down. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We were on vacation last week visiting my mom, and as soon as we got there, she couldn't believe what a monster Sidekick had become. She clearly wasn't grasping the severity of what was going on at home and school, but she quickly caught on. I was determined to get him (and us) back on track that week. I gave him very little leeway with anything, and after I asked/told him to do something two times, I immediately did what needed to be done: take whatever he was doing away, redirect, time out, etc. I cracked down on him big time. Between that and bonding with me and my mom, he got back on track and he has been a dream once again. He had a great week back at school and got all of his stickers. He's sweet, kind, a good listener (the majority of the time), and an overall great kid. My Sidekick is back, and for that, I am so grateful.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now, all that doesn't mean that holding him back in kindergarten next year has been pushed aside because I am definitely still considering that for the social/emotional reasons. He's super smart, but as I see him with kids ten months older than him, I see a difference between them. He's crazy tall and looks like he's at least five, so when he plays with five and six year olds and blends in size wise, he's just not as fast, not as agile, etc. as he is with kids his age. It frustrates him and I see him have an internal breakdown that he's not good enough. I have to remind him and the older kids that he just turned four, but I feel like if he goes to kindergarten next year, I'll always be reminding him that he's younger when he eight, 13, 18, etc. and most of his classmates are a year older. Is that fair to Sidekick?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Back to vacation... we had a great time, but it took me several days to just be able to let loose and relax a bit. I've been so stressed, burnt out, and in a funk that I couldn't let go and enjoy being away from the "real" world until several days in. We rented a wave runner, played on the beach, jumped off the docks, fished, went to a carnival, and just chilled out. My mom even encouraged me to go to the beach one day alone while Sidekick was napping. I was in heaven while engaged in a good book and sitting in peace and quiet while I had the beach all to myself. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unfortunately, I hurt my back badly helping my mom store her patio furniture below the deck right before we were to get on the road and head home. After moving some things, I bent down to pick up a chair and the pain hit so suddenly and was so bad that I literally couldn't move from the position I was in and had tears streaming down my face. Not trying to scare Sidekick, I tried to just lay on the floor as easily as possibly, but I literally couldn't get down to the floor. He saw me suffering, and he immediately got me a glass of ice water and a Nutella & Go. He was sure they would fix my pain. I managed to get in the car about an hour later and make the five hour drive home. I was afraid if I waited any longer, the pain might have been worse and kept me at my mom's for who knows how long.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The next day, Sidekick was pretty much on his own, while I laid in my bed all day. I felt badly, but he did great entertaining himself and checking on me every once in a while. I'd venture downstairs only to feed him and Dog and take Dog outside. The pain was excruciating and even heavy duty pain pills were not doing the trick. At 11:45 PM (as I was just about to fall asleep) and again at 3:42 AM, Sidekick came into my room to check on me, stroke my face, and see if I was feeling better. Those are the moments when I have to remind myself that I really do have a super awesome kid. After all, what four year old is that aware of something/someone other than himself?</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So... going back to my first paragraph, I knew that I would struggle getting back to reality once I got back in town. When I hurt my back, I also knew it would be worse than I had anticipated because I was in so much pain. Plus, I wouldn't be able to go running, something I was really trying to do several times a week for myself, but now couldn't since I was in too much in pain to even walk up the stairs. I work out of my home which was a really good thing this past week because I just couldn't snap out of it to actually care about work to want to work. I did the bare minimum and found myself laying on the sofa in the middle of the day partly because I was in so much pain and partly because I was just emotionally drained and didn't give a shit. I just wanted to lay there in a zone and not think about work, Sidekick, etc. I wanted to feel like there is more to my life beyond work and Sidekick, and I couldn't find anything, so I sulked and cried and got angry for this life that I just don't enjoy living right now. (And I really hate admitting that.)</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So here I sit on another weekend trying to be an awesome mom and give my son a fun two days all while not enjoying any of it. I'm just trying to get through each hour and doing what I can to make the weekend go faster... not because I want to work but because I don't want to feel like a shitty mom, which I often feel like on the weekends because I'm just tired, have so much to do, and am not motivated lately to do special things with Sidekick. We went to a park today, and I was so grateful Sidekick immediately paired up with a five year old boy so that I could just sit on the bench and watch, all the while feeling like a shitty, lonely, pathetic Mom who just doesn't seem to fit into the "norm" since we don't have what is considered a "normal" family. I thought making friends would be easier as a Mom, but that's not the case, especially since these other moms have husbands and other kids to keep up with. We are the 5th an 6th wheels in their lives. We just don't fit into this world despite how much I try to normalize this world for Sidekick, and I feel like he is noticing differences. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While I did take advantage of the beautiful day, after going to the park we took Dog for a long walk while Sidekick rode his bike, I felt super guilty that he watched a lot of TV. Yep, I used TV as a babysitter. And while he watched TV, I crawled into my bed and took a short nap. I don't really nap, and I rarely did when he was a newborn, but crap I needed one today. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I can't imagine my life without Sidekick, but I just didn't think my life would "feel" this way, that I would feel so incomplete and empty. The less Sidekick needs me because he's getting older, the more I feel it. I know I go through phases of feeling like this, but for some reason, it just seems worse this time around. Each time I eventually pull out of this funk, and I am hoping and praying that it happens soon because I'm not sure how much longer I can keep plugging along like this. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial";"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial";">(And if I didn't suck so much, I would post great pictures from our vacation, but I just don't want to download them. Yep, pathetic.) </span>SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-16218429239663071422016-08-17T12:40:00.003-05:002016-08-17T12:40:54.510-05:00Struggles at School<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidekick has been a real pain in the ass at school the past few weeks, and his teachers, the director, and I were not able to figure out what the F was going on with him. His class does a color system for behavior and they move their clothes pins accordingly. Purple is the best and red is the worst with four colors in between. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidekick has always been super smart, spunky and spirited, often "teaching" the class during circle time when he knows everything. (Ugh!) However, his spiritedness and spunk have gotten him into deep water at school. Circle time has been awful (not sitting still, talking, not listening, etc.) and his overall listening was atrocious at times. When kids get on red, they get a red note explaining why and they have to sign their names. At first, red notes devastated him, but most recently, he ran around the class singing, "I got a red note." Yep. He didn't care at all. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I dreaded picking him up from school and hearing bad news. My almost perfect kid had turned into a complete monster. Then his momma turned into a monster the rest of the night because she was so disappointed in her son's behavior. It became a vicisous cycle, and our evenings just kind of sucked, and quite frankly, I didn't want to be with him because I hated his behavior at school and I took that out on him, and we just weren't "gelling". </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I finally talked to the director about coming up with a new system since the current system was completely ineffective for Sidekick. We decided he would have a sticker chart and have to get four stickers a day for daily things (circle time, academics, rotations, and nap). Knowing that circle time was his pain point, I bribed him and told him that if he gets a star during circle time, he could play on my iPad that evening. I do NOT let him on my iPhone or iPad normally, so this is a huge treat for him. I was desperate. We set up his weekly goal of getting eight out of 20 stickers. He wanted to make s'mores if he got eight. Week one was a success, and I think he got 12 stickers. I was so proud of him. The second week, we upped his required stickers, and he got 18 out of 20! Amazing! So... he's back on track, but what was very troubling was this...</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I felt like the director and teachers were thinking he may have ADHD (and maybe he does), and it started freaking me out. I've always been a proactive Momma, so knowing that his four year doctor appointment is coming up, I found it important to see how things go with a new system in place. School started keeping track of his day in a spiral notebook to help all of us figure him out and what triggered his bad behavior, and then I could show it to his doctor. Fortunately, the notebook has stopped because he's been doing so great, but things still are a concern of mine. Was it just some type of a phase?</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh! And how can I forget... with a broken clavicle, he has to sit outside at a table alone and play with something. He has no way to get rid of his pent of energy, so this may have contributed a little.. but the bad behavior kind of started before the broken clavicle. But in his defense, a broken clavicle doesn't help things.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All of this behavior leads me to this...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidekick has a July birthday, and the cutoff for kindergarten is August 1st. As soon as I got pregnant and realized my due date, I immediately thought... great (or more accurately "shit"). I'm in education, so I know how hard it is to decide whether or not to "redshirt" a kid, especially a boy, who has a late birthday. So, while he can go to kindergarten next year, I'm totally on the fence about it especially with his recent behavior at school. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This mom stuff can be really challenging, and overall, I've never found it very challenging or overwhelming on a day to day basis. Sure we get in funks every now and then, but motherhood overall is not that difficult for me. It's all the outside crap (work, errands, household chores, etc.) and lack of "me time" that make motherhood suck at times... not having Sidekick (if that makes). I just want to always do the right things for him, and sometimes I'm not sure what the right things are. Case in point: Kindergarten in 2017.</span> SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-91939257629389786382016-07-29T12:00:00.002-05:002016-07-29T13:30:02.990-05:00Another Trip to the ER<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sidekick just can't catch a break in 2016! Let me remind you how he year has been so far:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">1. January: One week sick and out of school with Croup.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">2. February: One week sick and out of school with RSV (I think that's what he had)</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">3. March: Two weeks out of school for surgery to remove tonsils and adenoids and get tubes in ears.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And now July (almost one year from our last ER visit)...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I was outside on the playground talking to Sidekick's teacher when I dropped him off yesterday morning. I saw him lying on the ground crying and told him he was okay and to come over to me. He dragged himself off the ground and slowly walked towards me while holding his shoulder. Sidekick has an amazingly high pain threshold, so to see him crying so much made me think that this might be a little more than a little boo-boo. I eventually calmed him down and put him down so I could leave. As soon as I put him down and his arms raised up since my hands were basically under his armpits, he immediately screamed and cried in pain. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I decided to take him inside to get him away from all the kids and we headed to the office. As soon as the director saw him crying (she knew that isn't normal for him) and holding his shoulder, she told me to take him for an x-ray. I looked at her and dropped the F-Bomb. I was out of town for two days for work and had a lot to catch up on, and a trip to the ER was not on my agenda. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I put him in the car seat and he again screamed as I was trying to get his arms through the five point harness. I drove home to tell my mom (she's still in town) and she came with us to the ER. Sidekick loves, and I mean LOVES the hospital, so he was excited to go. We arrived and there was no one there, so we got right in (amazing!). People came in his room to talk to him and check him and ask what happened. Here was his explanation:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"I was playing Titty Tat (Kitty Cat) and Lion. (Mind you I have no idea what this game is.) I was the Titty Tat crawling and Ty tripped on me and knocked me over." </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have no idea if that's what happened since I didn't see it, but I guess it seems logical and that's the story he's sticking with. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">He happily laid in the bed at the ER while being examined and did a great job with getting x-rays, especially since the technician needed to put his arms in painful positions. We immediately got the results back that he broke his collar bone. Poor dude. He needs to be in a sling for four weeks, so that has pretty much ruined the rest of our summer. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I kept him home from school today and he just watched TV while I worked. He's in a lot of pain and is just struggling with his new "normal". Of course it's his right collarbone, so he's having to learn to function with his left side. He's doing great but he gets frustrated with simple things like getting himself up on the sofa. It's amazing how much our collarbone is used for just simple things. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Being the cool mom I am, I got him a skull and crossbones patch and wrote his name in cool purple paint on his sling. It looked super boring, but now it looks fun and he loves it!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial";"></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial";">I'm so lucky that he is so laid back and nothing really fazes him. He's such a trooper! </span></div>
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<br />SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-85171215195661309072016-07-08T16:20:00.004-05:002016-07-08T20:37:27.437-05:00And in the Blink of an Eye he's FOUR!<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sidekick is FOUR years old today! FOUR!!!! That means he's one finger away from a full hand and one finger away from going to Kindergarten. I've been telling him lately that it makes me sad that he is growing up so fast. His immediate response every time is, "Nobody else is sad. I'm growing up to be a good man." And he is. I can see it every day. His compassion, confidence, selfLESSness, humor, outgoingness, and kindness are setting him up to be an awesome man (if only I can find someone like him. Haha.)</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started a few traditions when he turned one:</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. I put balloons in his bed in the morning right before he wakes up. He woke up this morning and in the most excited voice said, "Woooowwww." And he ran in to thank me over and over again.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. I trace his hand every year to see how much it has grown.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3. I write a letter to him every year, add the number of dollars for the number of years he is, and put it in his treasure box. I'm not sure when I'll give him all of the letters, but it will be fun to read them together.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">4. We release a balloon in honor of his Donor (a very special time for us)</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I took him to school today, about six friends squealed, ran towards him, hugged him, and said "Happy birthday!!" He looked at me and said, "Momma, I can't believe my friends are so excited it's my birthday." I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I watched these kids that he's known since he was 13 weeks old surrounding him with so much love. I felt so lucky that he was in such a great daycare with such great friends. And sadly, they all go separate ways next year when they graduate from Pre-K. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We are heading to my mom's tomorrow for the week. My nephews will be there also. I'm looking forward to hanging at the beach, not rushing around, letting Sidekick soak up the fun with his cousins, and getting away from work. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">His birthday party will be towards the end of the month. I rented out a indoor play area at a church. We invited about 20 kids, so this is a real party for him. He wanted a flower theme (whatever that means), so I turned his idea into a 70's theme, complete with "groovy" cupcakes and each kid will make a tie-dye shirt. I also wanted him to know that a birthday is a good time to be thankful for things. He loves books and as been obsessed since he was about six months old. So, we are doing a book drive and donating the books to a great organization.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So... we made it four years. While three was really rough because he was a total "threenager", I hear having a "fournado" has it's own set of challenges. Regardless, I am truly blessed to have him in my life, and I cannot imagine what my life would be like without him. I'm so proud of the boy he has become, and I've never loved anyone the way I love him.</span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">UPDATE: We went to release the balloon after I picked him up from school. Sidekick decided he was going to send up the balloon to God to thank him for his Donor. He really seemed to have a plan with regards to where this balloon was going. It was a hot day and as we were walking to our favorite pond, the balloon popped. I got such a great picture of his reaction, and it just made my heart sink a little bit.</span> </span><br />
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SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-58688153242643268282016-06-17T10:25:00.002-05:002016-06-23T09:18:18.102-05:00Finding Balance. Finding Me.<div>
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My
world changed 3 years and 11 months ago when I became a Mom. It was the
most amazing day of my life (and one that took a while to achieve).
Along with that day came the "loss" of my life the way I knew it. It's
what every mom feels as our role in the world has suddenly changed and
we muddle through the days finding our new "normal". I was given the
gift of an amazing boy who forever changed my world in the most
incredible way possible, but my priorities changed from that day on. </span><br />
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Aside
from work, I don't have time away from Sidekick. I don't get alone time. I
don't have family in the same state who I can call up and ask for help
at the drop of a hat. I don't have someone with whom to juggle all of
the responsibilities of having a family. I'm burnt out, and I've been
burnt out for a while. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
haven't really taken care of myself in almost four years. I barely run
anymore. It's either a quick run before I pick up Sidekick from school, or
I bribe him to sit in the BOB and go with me on the weekends, which
makes running even harder because I have to push him. I used to be a
voracious reader, and it now takes me months and months to get through a
book. I used to get pedicures a few times a year (and a manicure every
once in a while), and I'm lucky if I get one pedicure a year. I haven't
gotten my hair highlighted since before Sidekick was born, and I loved
and miss my blonde highlights. I used to walk aimlessly and happily in
the park, hike in peace and quiet, or sit on the sofa all day and watch
TV. That all ended three years and 11 months ago. But I don't regret
not doing any of that. I really don't because Sidekick is truly the best
part of my life. And quite frankly, these missing things are not unique
to me. Every woman gives up things like that as soon as she becomes a
Mom. And every Mom tries to regain her sense of self in the midst of
this crazy (and oftentimes chaotic) thing called "life". </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As
a SMC, I don't have the ability to just up and leave to do anything
because apparently it's illegal to leave a child Sidekick's age alone. :)
Unless I'm working or am lucky to get that quick one or two mile run in
before I pick up Sidekick from school, I don't get a break from the daily
grind. I don't have the luxury of putting him to bed at night and going
to Target to wander around. <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I
can literally count on one hand the amount of times I've been out in
the evening (not counting work related events) without Sidekick since the
day he was born (babysitters aren't cheap). </span>This has always been
my biggest struggle being a SMC... the loss of my sense of freedom. I
wouldn't change it for anything, but I need I find a balance. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So,
I'm trying to change things up a bit. The other night I decided that
after I took Sidekick to school the next morning, I was going to go
running. A real run. A run that challenges me, a run that makes me
feel/hear the beat of my heart in my ears (I'm still trying to figure
out if that's a good thing), a run that let's me be "one" with nature
All. By. Myself. And in a zone where my focus is not on my stressful job
or my child but the challenge at hand. In the end, I ran an entire four
miles without walking. The last time I ran that far without walking was
when I was pregnant with Sidekick (or maybe it was when I ran my last half marathon, which coincidentally was the day before I conceived Sidekick). Actually, I can't remember if I was running four miles when I was pregnant because I was so sick the 16 weeks of my pregnancy and then had to taper running back when I was about 30 weeks because running was harder with a baby on board. Back in the day, I would have brushed off a four mile
run as no big deal. Today, I celebrate it. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
didn't enjoy that four mile run very much because it was really hard, but I felt
like I accomplished something for me. Not my child. Not my job. Me!</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While
running, I realized that it'll be okay if I take Sidekick to school
earlier in the morning or pick him up later in the afternoon once in a
while so that I can give myself a break and breathe. The other day I
decided to really commit to reading more often so that I can escape my
world and be part of someone else's. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Guess
what I just realized? I can sit down on the sofa next to Sidekick and
read while he watches his one show a day before bedtime. And on the
weekends, it'll be okay to let him watch TV in the morning, while I read
my book in bed. Watching TV won't kill him or even his brain cells, and
he'll be super happy having extra TV time. It's pretty much a win-win
situation. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
Sidekick isn't going to love me any less if I make these little changes. In
fact, I think he may love me even more because once in a while I'm going
to try to take care of myself and when I do, that'll make his Momma a
little happier. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
realize every Mom feels this way at one time or another, not just the
single Moms, which is why I felt like sharing my epiphany:</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
</div>
<div style="color: #454545; text-align: left;">
<strong><em><span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To remind ourselves that it's okay to take care of ourselves and breathe, even if it's a </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "arial";"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">few hours a week.</span></span></span></em></strong></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I just wish it didn't take me three years and 11 months to figure out. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">After
my run, I felt rejuvenated. I felt like I could take on the world. I
now feel like I am ready to challenge myself to not feel guilty taking a
little time for me. After all, a happy Momma means a happy family. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Join me, fellow Mommas, in this pursuit, won't you? Who's in?</span></div>
</div>
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</ul>
SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-22134756412329897572016-05-25T09:55:00.003-05:002016-08-25T11:35:51.737-05:00Catching Up and Catching my Breath<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's been an interesting month to say the least. It's been a month where I have just be trying to keep it all together and have had some snags along the way. April and May are my busiest months with work, so any curve ball that is thrown my way can really make me stress out.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My mom lives in Wisconsin and was visiting a friend in Chicago at the end of April. She was driving and wasn't seeing things correctly, so she pulled over to let her friend drive. They decided to head to the eye doctor near by and when they arrived, my mom couldn't balance and walk. Her friend took her to the ER where she was on "stroke watch", but she had none of the symptoms/check marks for a stroke, so they were going to keep her over night for observation. Shortly after that, she started slurring her words and they assumed it was stroke and quickly administered TPA to break up the clot. Upon further diagnostics, it was determined that she had a stroke of the nerve. After being in the hospital for a little more than a week, she was taken to a rehabilitation center when deemed stable, so they could to physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's hard to be five hours away from her during my busy work season with a kid, but I knew that she was in great hands, and there was nothing I could do. Plus, my mom is like me. We like to be left alone when we don't feel well. Sidekick and I FaceTimed with her every night, and I usually talk to her during the day. She was happy in the rehab center, and she was joking that she was on vacation where they cook and clean for her. Haha!</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We were planning on surprising her for Mother's Day at the rehab facility, and the day before we were supposed to leave, Dog all of a sudden couldn't walk in the morning. It seemed like she had a stroke, which is really kind of funny after what my mom had gone through. I joked with my mom that her grand dog was following in her footsteps. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I took Dog to the vet later that night fully preparing Sidekick for the possibility that we might have to put her to sleep. He decorated the back of the car with a balloon, her bones, a couple of toys, and an electric candle. It was so sweet. The technicians put her on a gurney and wheeled her in a room. She was diagnosed with Vestibular Disease (vertigo). She was on three different meds we were hopeful that she would get better within 72 hours. I knew I couldn't leave her because no kennel would take her so we could visit my mom, so our plans were off. After almost 48 hours, there was no improvement. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">On the Saturday morning of Mother's Day weekend, Sidekick and I were playing outside and I carried Dog (who is a golden retriever, not a small dog) outside to lay in the front yard. About 30 minutes later she stood up and started walking. She wasn't that steady, but she was walking! I quickly called the kennel, jumped in the shower, got us packed, and headed to the kennel. Within an hour, we were on our way to surprise my mom! During the drive, she called to ask how Dog was doing, and I said she was doing better and that the doctor who called said it could take two weeks to get better. All the while, she had no idea we were heading up there.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We got up there at about 6:00 and she was so surprised to see us, especially after knowing how poorly Dog was doing. We hung out there a couple of hours and then headed to my friends' an hour away to stay the night. Late Sunday morning, we headed back to my mom's, were able to pick take her out of rehab, and went to brunch and the park. At about 2:30, we hopped in the car for another five hours and headed back home. Sidekick was such a great traveling companion! He's such a go-with-the-flow kind of kid, and I am so grateful. </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Here we are a few weeks later, and while I thought we were for sure going to put Dog to sleep a couple of times, she rallied and is doing well! She seems weaker, but she's eating and able to take short walks (which seem to take forever!). Nonetheless, I followed my gut and wasn't totally prepared to put her to sleep just yet without giving her enough time to see if she could somehow recover, and she did.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Dog, Sidekick, and I are headed to Atlanta to visit my sister and her family. It's roughly a ten hour drive, and my limit is about six hours. We are driving straight through because it doesn't make sense to drive it over two days. I am slammed with work this week, so I'm still not able to wrap my head around this whole thing and getting packed, organized, etc. Originally my mom was going to drive with us, but she's not up for travelling yet. (She was released from rehab last Friday.) So, we are off to an adventure! It ought to be interesting.</span> </span><br />
<br />
SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-68226955172025513252016-05-01T20:52:00.002-05:002016-05-01T20:52:25.756-05:00How to Run Your First Race When You are 3 1/2 Years Old<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><strong>How to Run your First One Mile Race (which happens to be in the rain) When You are 3 1/2 Years Old in 12 Easy Steps</strong></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="cmihl-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">1. Be super excited at the starting line</span></span></span><br />
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<span data-offset-key="a7uuf-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">2. Take off running with the big kids.</span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgALUZ1pstdnwfTTz49xhGwq-R7yJ3Yzm1iNOOquEtaICeKf0dfT06BpVHlzYHmf0E1-sg-KjpChEGG-cTFQiubF2rgFGuRTiUWmDwNrfaAAZ-rpcQDWoXVxYDiKEK85TizYUCJQagp92U0/s1600/Running.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgALUZ1pstdnwfTTz49xhGwq-R7yJ3Yzm1iNOOquEtaICeKf0dfT06BpVHlzYHmf0E1-sg-KjpChEGG-cTFQiubF2rgFGuRTiUWmDwNrfaAAZ-rpcQDWoXVxYDiKEK85TizYUCJQagp92U0/s320/Running.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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<span data-offset-key="3pjsf-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">3. Stop about .2 of mile in and insist that your mom take off both shoes to get (imaginary) rocks out of them. </span></span></span><br />
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<span data-offset-key="cc4tr-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">4. Hydrate using the falling rain.</span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjciedKP97QO_LQO7OcmRdCmw1u-S9DNW6rDfS6kZ4QRFO2j4xwiT5AIzy5t8yum78C5g3PB-NN7kCxOP9k9XbmRwMesftlNQe5SdpkfTBM89x7ZBdX3wUZLf02AnrdCj_DMAsZCtn5y4Rt/s1600/Hydrate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjciedKP97QO_LQO7OcmRdCmw1u-S9DNW6rDfS6kZ4QRFO2j4xwiT5AIzy5t8yum78C5g3PB-NN7kCxOP9k9XbmRwMesftlNQe5SdpkfTBM89x7ZBdX3wUZLf02AnrdCj_DMAsZCtn5y4Rt/s320/Hydrate.jpg" width="316" /></a></div>
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<span data-offset-key="fjj4s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">5. Take a little walk and then haul ass again.</span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWRn7O0TxjllcRhCsyBf4yVn-HoM2c07GIOZFMchXjWuq9nRxfW6rXm_qwAmUPJKb5Tew3XVpyCj5OU-LTzwVv8eFIJdojTJ_RdS8hSCTJChjxjAmG0ht8I9rFLwRJoKp9gToLhQSnBllv/s1600/Running+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWRn7O0TxjllcRhCsyBf4yVn-HoM2c07GIOZFMchXjWuq9nRxfW6rXm_qwAmUPJKb5Tew3XVpyCj5OU-LTzwVv8eFIJdojTJ_RdS8hSCTJChjxjAmG0ht8I9rFLwRJoKp9gToLhQSnBllv/s320/Running+2.jpg" width="230" /></a></div>
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<span data-offset-key="a2g6f-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">6. Decide to pick up a branch along the way and sweep the trail. </span></span></span><br />
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<span data-offset-key="ag76a-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">7. 1/2 mile in, request your super hero cape to be put back on for fast running powers. </span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqI6DGDZnxlRRuTWtR9OEnMnNGJPdBtS4juLZwfAeUEof4K9OOjYiwTM8gFFKEa19Q5EcEGWBCwIv26vYK2rvGtgXh69LLE8FOhFMGUv9_udG9eOWpppGL-ljWRphTbwMDvtmQFpGm73cu/s1600/Branch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqI6DGDZnxlRRuTWtR9OEnMnNGJPdBtS4juLZwfAeUEof4K9OOjYiwTM8gFFKEa19Q5EcEGWBCwIv26vYK2rvGtgXh69LLE8FOhFMGUv9_udG9eOWpppGL-ljWRphTbwMDvtmQFpGm73cu/s320/Branch.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bf5p3-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">8. Stop to play in a puddle with branch.</span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJDc5yQ0bODjt766ZuCHOC0Qp9MuEE0qC4vnUtcq-IfOUU6RmJunx5Jj35PMcWdKzx5DZANRtBXSZYRBqYKQotiu6aQQNsHs8thGQxKb6CdkCBWByOcqE6YdYtvH892Y7NiIomV8KbVlwn/s1600/Branch+and+Puddle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJDc5yQ0bODjt766ZuCHOC0Qp9MuEE0qC4vnUtcq-IfOUU6RmJunx5Jj35PMcWdKzx5DZANRtBXSZYRBqYKQotiu6aQQNsHs8thGQxKb6CdkCBWByOcqE6YdYtvH892Y7NiIomV8KbVlwn/s320/Branch+and+Puddle.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span data-offset-key="f8oil-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">9. Whine a bit and completely stop. </span></span></span><br />
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<span data-offset-key="fovr0-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">10. Approach the finish line with Momma's coaxing while still sweeping the trail with branch. </span></span></span><br />
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<span data-offset-key="k6qi-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">11. See Batman approach you as you are close to the finish line, drop the branch, and zig zag to the finish line to avoid him because you are scared.</span></span></span><br />
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<span data-offset-key="6qp2l-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">12. Collect your Finishers Ribbon and say "Dat was really far."</span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZFQTRIUFSUO1RQbbPU2Tyhanvcy_kWUmzZ7NHHOA236Hsp0yl3nBq4RHf7yvPBoW-EkvzftXFawzIGZvWzh5Ob-VzcQbJT7Jn6D5FIBolZdD_rlHwCPoaUqjreiKGm9oYkRE22YZNk31G/s1600/Finish+Line.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZFQTRIUFSUO1RQbbPU2Tyhanvcy_kWUmzZ7NHHOA236Hsp0yl3nBq4RHf7yvPBoW-EkvzftXFawzIGZvWzh5Ob-VzcQbJT7Jn6D5FIBolZdD_rlHwCPoaUqjreiKGm9oYkRE22YZNk31G/s320/Finish+Line.jpg" width="220" /></a></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8og9s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">His run may have been more painful for me than my 5k, but I'm so proud of this little dude.</span></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8og9s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span></span></span><br /></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8og9s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "arial";"></span></span></span> <span data-offset-key="8og9s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've run about seven times since December, so I was totally unprepared for this race. Plus, I have only pushed Sidekick in the jogger one time in about the past 12 months. He's hated sitting in the jogger (even a stroller) since he was 2, but I really wanted to do the race, so we practiced last weekend, and I was exhausted trying to get in a groove of pushing him and running. </span></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8og9s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial;"></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8og9s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span data-offset-key="8og9s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial;">My run was amazing!!! </span></span></span>It was raining on race day, and the race was on gravel. Gravel and rain don't mix well, and gravel, rain, and a jogger with a 36 pound kid really don't mix well. Nonetheless, all of that only slowed my normal pace down (and by normal, I mean my last race that I ran which was a half marathon the day before I conceived Sidekick. He'll be four in July, so that was a LOOOOONG time ago!) by about 40 seconds. I wasn't expecting to do that well at all. I felt good and was so happy that my body could do it, and I hope to concentrate on running again. I don't really enjoy running and never have, but I like the challenge and the sense of accomplishment in the end.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8og9s-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, all in all, we both had a successful experience, and I hope we both get out there again for another race! (Too bad Sidekick is almost too big for the jogger though.)</span></span></span></div>
SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-36451641422742198142016-04-22T20:25:00.001-05:002016-04-22T20:25:01.264-05:00Little Words= Big Sweetness and a Health Update<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've had one heck of a week (and let's face it, year) juggling work, household chores, errands, trying to find time to run (only happened one time this week), etc. Sidekick was in his bed last night "sleeping" while I was in the laundry room. I heard a sweet voice yell:</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> "Momma, you can get a rice crispy treat because you are doing a great job doing the laundry. I am really impressed because you are doing so fantastic. Do you know what impressed means? It means you are doing a great job."</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> I seriously love this kid and appreciate the fact that he appreciates me and all the work I do. Regardless of the crappy week, he just turned it around for me. And he wouldn't give up asking me if I had a rice crispy treat until I finally did. Screw the calories that night. They were worth it! </span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> It's just one of those amazing Mom moments that mean the world to us. It's the little things that make all the difference.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On another note... we are both healthy and back on track. My little "issue" involved an ER visit (after my OBGYN sent me there) and three appointments with a urologist, primary care, and surgeon the following days. I was in severe pain (pelvis) for two entire weeks. I barely ate and had to take pain meds (morphine in the ER) to control the pain. We knew from the scan in the ER that I have several kidney stones, one of which is 7 mm- yikes! I had an elevated white blood cell count and blood in my urine. Most people I saw were pretty sure that I had an appendicitis, but tests were inconclusive. And then 14 days later, I started feeling better. So... I could have had kidney stone shards that were passing or some funky virus. Whatever it was sucked so badly, and I was so sick. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had kidney stones for the first time shortly after Sidekick was born (apparently this is common). I had to have one removed and three crushed a few weeks later. I guess I'm going to have to figure out what I'm going to do next about them. I certainly don't want to have them removed because that required a stent that caused me so much pain for five days. I'm hoping we can crush them. I can totally live with a bruised back from the electrodes/shocks (or whatever breaks them up). Unfortunately, right now, I am so swamped with work (my busy season), so I don't have time to deal with those damn kidney stones, but I know I have to. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sidekick has a follow-up appointment with the Audiologist next week. I know since his surgery, his hearing is so much better, so I'm pretty sure we'll get the "all clear" with him. He's been so much better since his surgery and can hear so much better. Thank goodness!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial;">We've had a pretty rough start to 2016, so I'm hoping we are due for some easy, happy, good times!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Arial;">During one of my sleep deprived nights of Sidekick not sleeping well after his surgery, I decided to sign us up for a race. I signed up to run a 5K while pushing him in the Bob, and I signed him up for a one mile run. What was I thinking on both counts?? I used to run half marathons, but the last one I ran was literally the day before I had my eighth IUI and got pregnant. I haven't run a race since, and hadn't run in almost five months. So... we've been training. He's doing much better than I. He's a strong little dude, and can easily hike 3 miles, so surely he can walk/run one mile with the other kids, right? There is no way in hell I can run a 5K while pushing him when I can barely run two miles not pushing him. I am so out of shape, and it's killing me. Sidekick on the other hand has great form and a pretty strong runner. I can't wait to see if he can finish it. I am so glad I have an athletic and adventurous kid! He's perfect for me.</span><br />
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SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-78424366070358888362016-04-06T15:54:00.002-05:002016-04-06T15:54:11.832-05:00Road Kill Breath<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was told that Sidekick's breath will smell during the healing process, but I had no idea what that meant. I quickly learned. It smells like road kill. I am not kidding. Sidekick liked to snuggle with me when he wasn't feeling well, and I wanted to vomit every time he came near me. Seriously... it was the worst smell ever!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He is back to school this week after a long two week hiatus. I have to say that was not a fun two weeks. For over a week, he woke up every four hours and needed his medicine. Then I fought him to take this nasty tasting medicine which resulted in screaming and crying on his part in the middle of the night. It was awful. He never, and I mean never, woke up that many times as a newborn! And then like clockwork, he'd climb into my bed between 3:00 and 3:30 AM. Again, this is something he has never done, but I knew if he was doing it, then he was definitely not feeling well. I have a king sized bed, and by morning, I'd find Sidekick on my pillow breathing on me with his road kill breath while I was hanging off the edge. This kid rarely moves in his bed, so I couldn't understand why he wanted to be so close to me when he has never slept with me before. But holy crap! I probably would have been more tolerant if he didn't have road kill breath.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the beginning of week two, we were definitely sick of each other. I was juggling work and him, but he would just lay in my bed and watch TV, while I was two floors down working. I'd check on him every 1 1/2 hours or so, and he was totally content. I hated that he was watching so much TV, but I knew that's what he needed to do to heal. His normal one-show-a-day turned into hours and hours a day. Very quickly, he began asking for things from the Easter Bunny that he saw on commercials (so that's how that happens!). </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We ended up having a knock down yelling fight one day because I wanted to meet a friend and go running with him in the jogging stroller, and he didn't want to go. I was so angry because I had been taking care of him for a week at that point with no break from him, and I felt like he was being such a little shit by not doing ONE thing for me! He was feeling better and it was a beautiful day, but he wanted to watch TV instead. I was frustrated and angry with him, and we both lost our shit. I felt like everything was spiraling out of control. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next day, Grandma came to save us! I had to get out to see customers, so she came in town and took care of him Wednesday-Friday while I worked. Sidekick was so excited to see her and ran to her with a balloon for her and beads around his neck when she was walking out of the terminal to baggage claim. And at the point, he became a new person. A person who was happier, excited, and more entertained. A person who was so grateful to have someone in his life besides me.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was out of school for two weeks total, and we (more so my mom) slowly started getting him back to real life by doing things with him and limiting TV. He was completely exhausted doing anything, but the slow transition helped him acclimate back to school. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He's done great in school this week, which I hadn't expected. He's been a little clingy when I drop him off, but overall, he's been a good listener and has behaved well at school. Phew! I was expecting a rough week. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then there is me... with a recent trip to the ER and now an appointment with a general surgeon tomorrow. Good times! Grandma is still here and will be here until when we figure out what is wrong with me. Hoping for some answers tomorrow, but that'll be another post.</span> SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-3376087828166373332016-03-29T10:00:00.003-05:002016-03-29T10:00:51.176-05:00Surgery Complete!<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Poor little Sidekick has been on the slow road to recovery. Surgery went well, and I held up great until they wheeled him away. Fortunately, he was given a medicine that made him very loopy, so he couldn't really talk well which was pretty entertaining because he was slurring his words. He was totally fine leaving me, but I'll tell you, that 50 minutes was a long time hoping he'd be okay and there wouldn't be any devastating complications like what happened to my friend's son. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He was so brave the entire time in the hospital. I'm amazed at how resilient kids are. They don't know to be afraid; therefore, they aren't. He brought Taggie, Turtle (the dog), and a lot of Tinys (his imaginary friends) with him. They all went into surgery with him to protect him. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">His tonsils and adenoids were very large, and there was a lot of thick fluid in his ears, so the tubes were definitely necessary. I was warned that some kids have a hard time coming out of anesthesia, and that they can be confused and upset. I'm glad to know that Sidekick was pretty normal when it came to this. He was a mess, and I couldn't calm him down. The nurse in recovery was yelling at him telling him to stop crying and to use his inside voice. She said when he stopped yelling, she would give him a slushie. A couple of things:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My kid just got his tonsils ripped out of his throat. If I can't help him calm down, then don't F'n yell at him because that's not helping.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My kid doesn't know what a slushie is, so guess what? That's not going to help him calm down.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just shut the F up and let me take care of my kid!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We got to his room quickly, and the goal was to get his pain under control. I was hoping he would get checked out within a few hours, but when the doctor checked him again three hours later to release him, he looked at him and asked how I thought he was doing. I told him that I didn't think he looked all that great, but that I would expect that. He said that he looked too pale, and he didn't want to send us home yet. He told Sidekick "lights out" and time to take a nap (something he wanted him to do right away, but Sidekick was just upset and having the TV on helped him calm down). I turned the lights off, found a white noise App, laid next to him, and he drifted off to sleep quickly.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When he woke up, I begged to new nurse for his pain meds because it was time. She said that he seemed okay and not in a lot of pain. I explained that the doctor told me to stay on top of giving them to him every four hours for three days to stay on top of the pain. She seemed resistant to give them to him. WTF?! I felt like I was fighting with her to give my son what he needed before the meds wore off too much. She finally gave them to him, and his eyes swelled up a little and were red. I asked her about it, and she noticed it too. They eventually went back down to normal, and after another slushie, we were released, three hours later than planned. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As soon as we got home, Sidekick was famished! He immediately wanted pancakes, so I made him two. He devoured them and wanted another one. Despite the fact that I thought he would blow up, I conceded. As soon as that third one was gone, he asked for a banana with peanut butter and a fourth pancake. I realized that if he was hungry now, I should take advantage of it because he might not be hungry again for a couple of days when his throat starts hurting him again. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When it came time to give him his meds again, his eyes turned red again and swelled up within minutes, only this time it was much worse. It was so strange. I called the doctor on call who said it was most likely not a reaction to his pain meds. This doctor has a different protocol than Sidekick's doctor. Sidekick's doctor prescribe narcotics and the doctor on call doesn't (poor kids!). He said that if the swelling doesn't go down by the next time he has to take his pain meds, then to just give him Tylenol the rest of the night until morning when I would call his doctor.</span> </div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not satisfied with his answer, I called Sidekick's pediatrician, and thankfully she was on call that night. She told me to give him Benadryl, which mine expired almost two years ago, at the same time I give him his pain meds, and to spread the pain meds out to six hours instead of four. When you are a SMC with a kid sleeping at 9:30 PM, you have to rely on your Village, which I rarely do. I called a friend who went to the store, picked up some Benadryl, and delivered it to me at 10:00 PM. I felt so blessed.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Within a couple of hours, Sidekick's eyes were back to normal. What's strange is that no one really knows what exactly happened. It looks like the surgical tape caused a reaction, but his eyes flared up two times within minutes of getting his pain meds, so something goofy was going on.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That was a really long 15 hours, in writing and reality. More updates to come as I catch up with my blog.</span> </div>
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SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-43433671587852140862016-03-14T13:12:00.003-05:002016-07-22T19:59:22.770-05:00Losing It! Confession<span style="color: #454545;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This
parenting thing is hard. It is mentally, emotionally, and physically
exhausting. In less than three months, Sidekick has been really sick two
times, both lasting one week each. He is now really sick again, and once
again, I find myself in trouble with balancing him and work since he
can't go to school. Work has been harder and more stressful than ever,
and I am so overwhelmed.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">To
add to my plate, Sidekick is having surgery on the 21st. He's been
diagnosed with mild hearing loss (hopefully due to fluid in his ears
that has been there for months) so he's getting tubes. Easy surgery,
right? Add the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and it's a whole new
level of recovery. He'll be home for two, yes two, weeks! We
don't enjoy being trapped inside laying around, so two weeks is a long
time to be stuck at home. If this doesn't push me over the edge, nothing
will. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For
the past several months, I've literally been going through the motions.
I've been doing what I can to keep it together and keep our little
family as stable as possible, trying to keep my son happy and healthy
(unfortunately not very successfully), and trying to keep myself sane
while juggling everything. I admit it... It's really
hard doing it all alone.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I
haven't worked out in months because I choose to pick up Sidekick from
school at a decent hour instead of go for a run (which is not good for
me mentally or physically). I have no idea when I've done a big grocery
store run because I have just enough time to run in and grab what I
need to get by. Three inches of my hair got cut off because I hadn't
gotten it cut in four months because I couldn't fit it into my jam
packed world. I have had TMJ so badly for several weeks that it keeps me
up at night. I need a root canal and crown, but it just doesn't fit
into my schedule. For the first time since Sidekick was born, I truly feel
stressed and that my life is spinning out of control. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And now with Sidekick being sick, surgery might be cancelled because he has to be fever free one week before. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So... Being a Momma is hard, and being single Momma is even harder.</span> </div>
SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5932552922401593624.post-58030438303966857462016-02-24T10:14:00.001-06:002016-02-24T10:14:15.405-06:00A Plan for Sidekick<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I last posted about Sidekick being sick again, and he had an appointment with the ENT a few days ago. For several months he's been failing hearing tests due to fluid in his ears. I went to the appointment assuming he'd be getting tubes and walked out learning that he needs his tonsils and adenoid removed and tubes. I was accepting of the fact that he would be under very light sedation for the tubes, but the tonsillectomy is a different story. He will have to be put completely under for 45-60 minutes. Here's where a normally chilled Momma becomes a completely paranoid Momma...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My friend's two year old son had surgery a couple of years ago. The anesthesiologist messed up and my friend's son passed away. I know it was a fluke, but it happened. It happened! All I can think about is her son. To make matters worse (if that's even possible), my friend's husband is a surgeon. I mean seriously... wtf? He operates all the time on people, and his son died. I'm heartbroken for them.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Needless to say, I'm terrified about letting someone take my son and trusting him to keep him safe. I told the doctor about what happened to my friend's son, and he look on his face was pure remorse. He reassured me the anesthesiologists are good, and that he wouldn't stop keeping an eye on Sidekick. You don't think that my friend's husband got the best surgeon and anesthesiologist for his son that is no longer with them? I can't even think about it because it brings tears to my eyes.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know this is a very routine procedure (my friend's son's wasn't), but still... bad things happen. I scheduled surgery for March 21st. I was hoping for the week before for work reasons, but there weren't any appointments available. Sidekick will be out of school (daycare) for two weeks!!! Geez! So, with working with HR to figure out how much time I can take, and my mom coming in town on the tail end, I should be able to make this work. Fortunately, I work out of my home, so I can do work, but I won't be able to get to customers until my mom is here. Needless to say, I am taking some days off to take care of my boy, snuggle with him on the sofa, etc. without worrying about my job (that I'm not to happy with right now anyway. See previous post.). Yes, I can work from home while he is laying on the sofa watching TV, but I want to be 100% present for him with no distractions.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So... for just under four weeks, I will continue to worry. I sure hope the next few weeks fly by so that my anxiety will stay at bay and not get the best of me.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For some good news... my carpet is being installed today in my basement! After two months, it's finally complete, and I can put it together and begin using the space. I'm so excited!!!</span>SMC in STLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567096902374866062noreply@blogger.com0